Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult child and friends

139 replies

GreenYellowRed · 30/07/2021 20:27

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over.
The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6.
My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/07/2021 20:28

Yabu
Making her feel unwelcome in her home, poor girl

Henio · 30/07/2021 20:28

Shes 20!

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 20:29

My daughter happily joins us when our friends are over, what are you talking about that’s secret from your daughter?

You sound like you’re 12 and trying to exclude someone.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 20:30

My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults

What do you mean Jojns the adults, she is an adult. And why don’t you want to drink alcohol with her?

Is this a reverse? ITs really weird.

raffle · 30/07/2021 20:31

That seems fair enough to me. She gets to eat, have a couple of drinks and a chat, then she leaves to let you spend time with your friends. It’s fine. As long as it’s not every weekend evening?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/07/2021 20:31

What can't you talk about in front of a 20yo?

Where do you suggest she goes?

I think if you, or her for that matter, wish to socialise without being joined then you need to go out or to your/her friends house.

Its unfair to expect someone to keep themselves in their room all night because they aren't allowed to talk to the guests.

Stuckhere2021 · 30/07/2021 20:31

I hear you OP. When our DD (21) joins us, sad hogs the conversation, takes the Micky out of me constantly and generally makes it all about her. It takes me all my strength to just stay calm and ignore but yes, it does change the dynamic. If her friends are over, I’m not even allowed to say hello to them!!

Formaldeheidi · 30/07/2021 20:32

Your DH is right.

What’s the point of having adult children if you can’t socialise with them?

TabithaTiger · 30/07/2021 20:32

I agree, it totally changes the dynamic. Fine to have a drink and quick chat with your friends, but not for the whole evening.

TabithaTiger · 30/07/2021 20:33

@Stuckhere2021

I hear you OP. When our DD (21) joins us, sad hogs the conversation, takes the Micky out of me constantly and generally makes it all about her. It takes me all my strength to just stay calm and ignore but yes, it does change the dynamic. If her friends are over, I’m not even allowed to say hello to them!!
Exactly this!
Lollypop701 · 30/07/2021 20:34

I get it, she’s welcome to join you and is welcome. As your child. As a parent I’m not as relaxed with my kids, and my friends are the same. We don’t chat in the same way. I’d overstay my welcome when your dd friends are over then have a chat! Kids don’t think of us a ‘people’ we are just there. That said it’s lovely she likes spending time with you so tread carefully…because you don’t want her to feel excluded. perhaps say your friend likes to have some one on one time with you too?

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2021 20:36

I feel sorry for her. My parents used to love me joining them and their friends, in fact they used to wish I did it more often.

What's the deal with the alcohol? Do either of you have a drinking problem?

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 30/07/2021 20:37

YANBU. It changes the dynamic. I love hanging out with my friends adult kids. They are interesting and I love to hear about their lives but I’m not friends with them and don’t want to spend the whole evening with them

5128gap · 30/07/2021 20:37

I get this OP. Theres a side of me that friends see that my adult DC don't. I go out out with my DC sometimes, but it's a very different dynamic to when I'm with my friends. I feel like I have to be on my mom behaviour with DC, despite them being in their 20s. That said I'm not sure what you can do about it without upsetting your DD, so you may just need to accept this one.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 20:39

@Stuckhere2021

I hear you OP. When our DD (21) joins us, sad hogs the conversation, takes the Micky out of me constantly and generally makes it all about her. It takes me all my strength to just stay calm and ignore but yes, it does change the dynamic. If her friends are over, I’m not even allowed to say hello to them!!
That’s very sad. You sound like you dislike your child and compete with her.

I can honestly say my daughter is great company, she’s known all our friends since she’s young and she’s always welcome. In fact we have friends over next weekend and she’s coming home to jojn. It doesn’t change our dynamic at all. All our kids are adults and all join at varying times or together. We treat them like the adults they are.

I guess it all comes down to the relationship. Are you asking her to go sit in her room if she’s no where else to go?

It’s just so childish. You can’t play with my friends. They are my friends not yours. It’s sad, but not every parent child relationship is good. I guess.

Tryalittlemagic · 30/07/2021 20:40

I absolutely agree with you in does change the dynamics. Much the same way I don't want my partner hanging around when I have my girlfriends over.

FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 20:40

I’m friends with my parents and their friends. We all get on well and socialise together. I really hope I have the same with my kids! Assuming your daughter is polite and does t insult you, You are being very strange.

Darbs76 · 30/07/2021 20:41

She changes the dynamic. Wow. Poor kid, bet she feels really welcome in her own home now. My eldest is 27, he’s always joined in when visitors have come over, he did live there after all

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/07/2021 20:42

What can’t she be privy to at 20?

I love it when our adult kids join us and friends.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/07/2021 20:50

I like spending social time with my adult DC . I encourage them to be around.

Washimal · 30/07/2021 20:52

I think it's lovely that she wants to join you! She's an adult now, why can't you talk freely in front of her and just have a laugh? Some of my fondest memories with my parents are getting tipsy with them at social occasions as a young adult.

Chloemol · 30/07/2021 20:53

How sad for your daughter

She is an adult, and you are making her feel unwelcome, but accepting the 6 year old can stay

Be careful, you may just end up with no daughter

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 20:55

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening

So she then has to go sit in her room alone, hearing uou all downstairs but not allowed to join.

God that’s just horrible.

Tryalittlemagic · 30/07/2021 21:01

Christ some of you are dramatic
The woman just wants to spend some time having an unfiltered chat with her friends.

goldglassesandchains · 30/07/2021 21:04

Aw I really enjoyed becoming 'friends' with my parents as I got older. Sometimes they would be around my friends and yes you can't speak as freely, but you end up having great conversations.

I'd try to embrace it. It's an adjustment period. You can't banish her to the kiddies playroom she's been old enough to drink for two years!

Swipe left for the next trending thread