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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult child and friends

139 replies

GreenYellowRed · 30/07/2021 20:27

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over.
The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6.
My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 31/07/2021 00:06

Uh this is odd. She's an adult, why can't you talk freely in front of another adult? My parents love when I join with them and their friends, but I often take a step back too because I'm an introvert myself. It's a balance.

DameAlyson · 31/07/2021 00:26

why can't you talk freely in front of another adult? My parents love when I join with them and their friends

But do their friends love it? Do you think your parents' friends want to talk about (for example) their health issues, financial issues, family issues, in front of you?

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 31/07/2021 00:40

@DameAlyson I can never be sure, but we are a very relaxed household. I'm not there all the time, I wouldn't want to be. It's nice to enjoy the company sometimes.

I guess it depends on the young adult in question. Some do take over the conversation and like to gossip. I don't. And I'd like to think people know that about me

IdblowJonSnow · 31/07/2021 01:03

Not sure this is a right or wrong thing, but I'm with you OP! I think a few drinks is fine but then totally reasonable to sometimes socialise with friends. As you said, you wouldnt hang around with hers!

duffmcstockings · 31/07/2021 01:37

My daughter is the same, she wants to run with the fox and hunt with the hound. She wants to join me when my friends come round, but she wants privacy when her friends come over, which is fine. But she wants me to treat her like a child when it comes to food and paying for stuff. Can't wait for September.

ChunkySloth · 31/07/2021 01:47

@GreenYellowRed

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over. The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6. My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

No. Do the same back to her when she has friends over.
lifehappened · 31/07/2021 06:13

Really? People can't see what you might want to talk about when your adult DC not there?? Baffling

IonaLeg · 31/07/2021 06:16

What's the deal with the alcohol? Do either of you have a drinking problem?

Fuck’s sake. Why is mumsnet always so absolutely batshit?

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 06:45

@lifehappened

Really? People can't see what you might want to talk about when your adult DC not there?? Baffling
Well whatever it is it’s quite clear the ops husband doesn’t feel it’s private as he thinks she’s behaving oddly

I think op rest assured others feel the same. But based on how many dysfunctional relationships there are out there, that’s not a surprise. Your daughter is home from uni, she’s not even living with uou most of the time, but you’ve now told her she’s not welcome and must leave the room if you’re socialising, which will cause hurt.

I’d put money on the fact in future you’re the first to complain she doesn’t visit you often or bring any grandkids. Social exclusion causes a long lasting hurt. Well done you. Enjoy your friends.

ivfbabymomma1 · 31/07/2021 06:53

This makes me sad Sad I always was included with my parents friends. And equally I didn't hide away when my friends were around. Not ever single time but the majority!

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 31/07/2021 07:02

I totally get you OP. I think it’s healthy to compartmentalise a bit. I have a part of me that’s for all, a part for my children, then my husband, friends, work colleagues. I’m ok with all of these parts colliding for a while but I can’t be truly relaxed like that for long.

For example I don’t mind my friends meeting with my work colleagues but each side sees a side of me the others don’t so I can’t fully relax.

Similarly if I’m with my female friends, DH will hang around for a bit but will go and find something else to do. My friends like him but they will relax more with him gone. I’m the same even he’s with an all male group of friends. I eventually leave them to it.

I think it’s ok for you to tell your DD she can hang for a bit then leave. Your friends will be able to relax more. You’re allowed to keep something’s for yourself. I’m sure there is a side of your DD you don’t see when she’s with her friends and I think that’s healthy too.

I knew a DD and her mum who were completely entangled in each other’s lives that her mum was asking her questions about how to give BJs because she’d been single for a long time and wasn’t sure. Each to their own but personally I think that type of talk is for your friends not family. Maybe I’m a but strange in trying to separate the two?

Zebraaa · 31/07/2021 07:03

God some people are so dramatic on here. Are you the same type of people who have to include your husbands in your girls get together, much to the annoyance of everyone else?!

I bet your friends will be pleased your daughter won’t be joining all night too Smile

AtticusHoysAnus · 31/07/2021 07:17

Well that's a bit shit for her isn't it.

Is she supposed to hide in her room or are you expecting her to hang out with the 6 year olds?

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 07:21

@Zebraaa

God some people are so dramatic on here. Are you the same type of people who have to include your husbands in your girls get together, much to the annoyance of everyone else?!

I bet your friends will be pleased your daughter won’t be joining all night too Smile

Don’t be silly. But there is no way I’d ask my adult daughter when she was staying at home to leave the room and go sit in her room or whatever when I had mixed friends over and tell her she wasn’t welcome.
ApolloandDaphne · 31/07/2021 07:24

I would think it odd if my adult DDs didn't join us if we had guests in. They are fun and interesting people to have around. I think the same about my friends adult children. I love catching up with them if they are around when we visit.

Wjevtvha · 31/07/2021 07:26

I get that it’s not the same but I think you’ll have made her feel like rubbish by saying that and considering she’s only home for the summer you should have just accepted it and go to your friends houses if you don’t want her to be part of the evening.
I really liked as a young adult having a drink with my parents and getting to know them as adults; my dad died unexpectedly when I was 21 and I quite treasure those times of being treated like an adult and getting to know him

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 31/07/2021 07:28

I’ve known some of my friends for over 30 years, way before any DCs. After a few glasses the reminiscing about the old raving days may come out. DC see me as a sensible, educated adult (who occasionally lets her hair down) with a good job who looks after herself.

I don’t want them to hear about me doing drugs, or that time I was pushed around pissed in a shopping trolley in Brixton, was kicked out of a restaurant after a food fight in Brighton, that time I burst into a bathroom to see my BFF receiving oral from some Brazilian bloke. Some of you may think it’s sad that my friends and I still sometimes talk about the ‘old days’ but that’s ok with me - we look back and laugh at a time when we had money to waste and no responsibilities. This is a part of me for my friends, not my kids!!

Whatinthelord · 31/07/2021 07:57

How lovely that your daughter actually wants to spend time with you and your friends. It’s shows that you must have a decent relationship that she feels comfortable with you.

However I do understand that occasionally you want to have time alone with your own friends. Regardless of age, having our children present in a gathering obviously changes the dynamics of of. In fact even if she weren’t your daughter I imagine having any 20 year old present might change the dynamics as you’re all at different stages in life.

Not sure why you’re getting a hard time from some people. I think there’s a cable to be had where you are close to and include your daughter, but she doesn’t have to be involved in all your adult activities.

As an aside couldn’t you pay your daughter ( if she wanted to) to watch the 6 years old and meet your friends out somewhere.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 07:58

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I’ve known some of my friends for over 30 years, way before any DCs. After a few glasses the reminiscing about the old raving days may come out. DC see me as a sensible, educated adult (who occasionally lets her hair down) with a good job who looks after herself.

I don’t want them to hear about me doing drugs, or that time I was pushed around pissed in a shopping trolley in Brixton, was kicked out of a restaurant after a food fight in Brighton, that time I burst into a bathroom to see my BFF receiving oral from some Brazilian bloke. Some of you may think it’s sad that my friends and I still sometimes talk about the ‘old days’ but that’s ok with me - we look back and laugh at a time when we had money to waste and no responsibilities. This is a part of me for my friends, not my kids!!

But do you do that every single time you see them? You rehash the same old stories? That even though your adult child is away most of the year and only home for the holidays you can’t habe them join for any length of time in their own home because you need to tell the same stories again?
Bagelsandbrie · 31/07/2021 08:00

I can see where you’re coming from with this but I think you’ll just have to accept it if you host at your house. If you want to have a more private chat you’ll have to go out somewhere.

Peoniesandpeaches · 31/07/2021 08:05

@twiggytwoo

YANBU. All the people on this thread saying how much they love their adult children joining them but do their friends like this just as much?

I already don't like some of my friends kids - I dread the point where every time I go for dinner their adult children are there for the whole evening.

I don't think there's a lot you can do OP without being unwelcoming

Its not even necessarily about not really liking them but I don’t want my friends children to be privy to my struggles with infertility which is something that often comes up in my small circle of good friends. Even on less personal topics that come up it absolutely does change the dynamic as I find we frequently have to stop and explain things to them as they don’t yet have the knowledge on it - like politics, history or medical stuff. It’s fine now and again but I meet with my friends to see them not their child.
Globaluser · 31/07/2021 08:18

Wow many of these responses I totally fucked up!!

OP you are not unreasonable.

YesDisney · 31/07/2021 08:31

These responses are so weird. I don’t wanna hang out with any of my friends adult kids when I want to talk freely to my friends. If I want to share anything with them that I don’t want their kids to know etc.

So when the DD has friends over it’s all good if the OP hangs out with them all night?

DazzlingHaze · 31/07/2021 08:32

Hmm I'm torn on this. When I still lived at home if my parents' two oldest friends were over I would sit with them. They are like family and I call them my aunt and uncle. Generally not all night but for a few hours I would sit and have a couple of drinks with them. But that couple have known me my whole life and adore me and enjoy my company and it's very clear that my aunt especially loves chatting to me now that I'm an adult. It would have hurt my feelings if my mum or dad had asked me to stay out the way in that scenario. I love hearing all the stories about when the 4 of them were young and partied all the time - they were all much wilder than me!!

On the other hand, my mum has a group of friends from her old job and sometimes they come over with their husbands for drinks and I wouldn't join in on those occasions. Just because I don't know them well so wasn't interested but I guess they probably wouldn't have wanted to discuss anything private in front of me.

The fact that your DH thinks it's weird makes me think it's strange. He obviously doesn't see any privacy issues. It sounds to me that you don't see your DD as the adult she now is so it makes you uncomfortable to see her join in on 'grown up activities'.

Nobloat21 · 31/07/2021 08:38

You're completely right, op. A daughter is now hanging round my mum's friendship group and nobody wants to meet anymore. It completely changes the dynamic. It's unfair on the friend. What if she wants to discuss private stuff going on in her life etc.