Adult child and friends

[GreenYellowRed]

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over.
The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6.
My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

If you want to have private conversations then go out. If you are at home then you have to accept that the other adults who live there will be around. Your dh is there so clearly it’s not that private , Also don’t get why you aren’t happy for a 20 year old to have a glass of wine in her own home. If she is hind for university it’s only for 3 months and then she will be gone again.

@Globaluser

Wow many of these responses I totally fucked up!!

OP you are not unreasonable.

I don’t think a difference of opinion or a difference in relationships means you are ‘fucked up’.

Children learn social norms from parents and that includes how to behave at dinner parties, drinks parties and with people of all ages. We always tended to have younger people’s table and older people’s table at three or four family events. Young adult children pass the canapés round and help host. Perfectly normal.

I don’t think anyone is saying you can’t meet girlfriends for a coffee without your children, but it would be very odd to exclude a resident or visiting young adult from an in-house social event.

Nah, I get it OP and think YA(probably) NBU. And my 19 and 22 year olds wouldn't either. We all have friendships formed independantly of each other and like to discuss things with those friends things that the others might not want to hear, in my case, for example, things about their dad or our finances or themselves. Or sometimes I just want to be the 'me' I was before kids, just for an hour or two. But this wouldn't need to be a formal exclusion per se. Most peoples kids are savvy enough to say hi, settle down to a meal/couple of glasses of wine etc, but then probably drift off to do their own thing anyway, aren't they? This is what generally happens here.
Don't adults who live together just have to accept that sometimes we all just need a bit of space? It's not necessarily a big deal.

OP said her DD is welcome to have dinner and stay for a couple of drinks. She just doesn’t want her there the whole evening so I don’t know why people are exaggerating and making out like she plans to lock the girl in her room as soon as the first guest arrives.

Do those who believe adult kids should hangout with their parents friendship group for the whole evening also think it would be normal for OP to be hanging out with her DDs friendship group for the whole evening? Do you not think her DDs friends would think it’s weird?

Personally it’s been a tough year and I’ve barely seen my friends, I bet OP doesn’t have these people over every weekend. It’s one night, she had the rest of the summer with DD. Women don’t need to martyr themselves for their kids (which this would be if she’s doing it when she doesn’t really want to) every day of their lives.

In addition I would have kind of expected the DD to only want to hang about for a couple of drinks anyway.

I feel like I have to be on my mom behaviour with DC, despite them being in their 20s.

This is quite sad, really. I can't imagine having to be someone else in front of my adult dc and having to hide my real self. It's a big barrier to put up between you and your children.

Some of my friends have particular stuff going on, like one going through a messy divorce or another who is concerned about her adult dd. I would generally meet these friends one to one to talk about these things, and it wouldn't be appropriate to have dc present. But tbh, I wouldn't want DH around either, because the conversation is too personal to my friend.

When we meet friends as a couple, the conversations are typically a bit different. We'll talk about personal stuff, for sure, but conversations are generally a bit lighter and more general. Do people really have sensitive private conversations between two couples in that way? That isn't something that I have really come across tbh. I prefer talking about the really personal stuff one on one, and wouldn't bare my soul to another couple!

I can't imagine feeling that I needed to moderate language in front of a 20yo! As for choice of topic, I don't really talk to my friends about sex and I can't think of anything else that I'd want to avoid discussing in front of adult dc. I guess others must have much smuttier conversations than I do.

I have often socialised with my friends' adult kids when going round to their house, and I have always enjoyed their company. I would be horrified if they got banished to their rooms on my account!

I don’t think anyone is saying you can’t meet girlfriends for a coffee without your children, but it would be very odd to exclude a resident or visiting young adult from an in-house social event.

Yes, exactly.

20 is also still very young

Women don’t need to martyr themselves for their kids (which this would be if she’s doing it when she doesn’t really want to) every day of their lives.

I agree with this, but I think it's sad that tolerating your adult dc's presence at a social occasion is martyring yourself. I would be so sad if my own mum felt like that.

Of course you are allowed your own friends and no you are not obliged to include your adult daughter who lives at home in all aspects of your life.

You also aren't obliged to have the same conversations you would with friends in front of your daughter.

Ask her politely to allow some privacy or go to a wine bar without her.

The OP would be martyring herself if she did something she didn’t want to. She’s made a good compromise. The DD can stay for a while but then her friends get to let their hair down and talk candidly. I wouldn’t be sad if my DM did this, I’d respect her right to have private time away from me. Just like I’d expect her to allow me to have private time with my own friends.

@GlencoraP

If you want to have private conversations then go out. If you are at home then you have to accept that the other adults who live there will be around. Your dh is there so clearly it’s not that private , Also don’t get why you aren’t happy for a 20 year old to have a glass of wine in her own home. If she is hind for university it’s only for 3 months and then she will be gone again.

Why? 20yo is not paying the mortgage/bills, she lives there at discretion of her parents.

pours herself a drink

Without offering to refresh anyone else's drink? That's not very foods manners, is it?

I have two 20 year old DDs and I’m more than happy for them to join us if we have friends round, they’ve known most of our friends all their lives and grown up with their kids.

I love it and none of our friends have complained. It’s certainly not every time! More often than not they’re out on a Friday night and join us, slightly pissed, when they get in. They add a lovely dimension to it all IMO. The same with friends adult children, I love to catch up with them and hear what they’re up to.

One of mine is at uni and I’d particularly welcome her company as she’s rarely at home!

I draw the line at personal sex talk though, that’s just weird!!

Surely one of the benefits of having adult kids is going out for drinks/cocktails! They’re great company and keep us young.

When I was about 21 I went to visit an uncle and aunt with my parents. I was engaged, had left home about 4 years previously, and was about to graduate as a teacher, but I hadn't seen that side of my family for ages and it was a couple of hours drive away so I tagged along.
My aunt gave me the children's version of the meal (it was a curry, the kids had a milder version) and asked my mum at dinner if it was ok to pour me a glass of wine.
I was very offended.

One day maybe OP's daughter won't want to spend time with her.

I would be over the moon if my son (only 3.5) actively wanted to hang out with me!

I'm with the OP.

There's a time and place for mixed generation gatherings and my kids are welcome at those.

But for an evening with my and DH's friends? My (teenage) kids are told to bugger off to their rooms or go out. They can come and say hi, have a bit of food and exchange pleasantries for 10 mins but no more. I don't invite myself out with them and their friends or butt in on their conversations so I don't expect them to either when my friends are here.

I get on great with my kids before anyone accuses me otherwise.

I'm with you op.

I wouldn't want my adult kids encroaching on my evening, nor would I appreciate it if it was someone elses kid doing the same.

The dynamic is completely changed.

I wouldnt like this either. I wouldnt mind occasionally I guess, but if my 20 year old was there it would affect what we talked about as id still feel in parent mode.

I think that there is a balance to be had. I was included in a lot of dinners with my parents when I was growing up, but always left them to it after the meal, and that was brilliant for all of us as they got to let their hair down and I had full control of the remote.

I am very fond of my friend’s children and love spending time with them, but my friends have been very supportive of a difficult issue that I have been dealing with for the 25 years that I have known them. We don’t talk about it all the time, by any means, but We do talk about it over dinners and I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about it in front of my friend’s lovely children. And I suspect that the 19 year old bloke would feel very awkward as well.

Also one of my friends has a very toxic relationship with her parents. She has tried to shield her kids from the shit her mother had pulled over the years and my friend values having a glass of wine and unloading to us.
She does not want her kids to hear the dreadful things their grandmother has said about them or their mother. And we all would not any of the other kids in the group to hear either.

And with the best will in the world, some people will find others’ children irritating. It was true when they were 2 and it’s true when they are 20. And the parents who did not recognise this when their kids were annoying toddlers are not going to notice it when their kids are young adults.

@AlexaShutUp

I feel like I have to be on my mom behaviour with DC, despite them being in their 20s.

This is quite sad, really. I can't imagine having to be someone else in front of my adult dc and having to hide my real self. It's a big barrier to put up between you and your children.

Some of my friends have particular stuff going on, like one going through a messy divorce or another who is concerned about her adult dd. I would generally meet these friends one to one to talk about these things, and it wouldn't be appropriate to have dc present. But tbh, I wouldn't want DH around either, because the conversation is too personal to my friend.

When we meet friends as a couple, the conversations are typically a bit different. We'll talk about personal stuff, for sure, but conversations are generally a bit lighter and more general. Do people really have sensitive private conversations between two couples in that way? That isn't something that I have really come across tbh. I prefer talking about the really personal stuff one on one, and wouldn't bare my soul to another couple!

I can't imagine feeling that I needed to moderate language in front of a 20yo! As for choice of topic, I don't really talk to my friends about sex and I can't think of anything else that I'd want to avoid discussing in front of adult dc. I guess others must have much smuttier conversations than I do.

I have often socialised with my friends' adult kids when going round to their house, and I have always enjoyed their company. I would be horrified if they got banished to their rooms on my account!

I can assure you it's not remotely sad, either for me or for them. We have an excellent relationship. But I'm their mother, not their mate, and 'barriers', which I would refer to as boundaries, are appropriate. It's not a question of hiding my real self, it's about recognizing that some aspects of self are more appropriately shared with some people than others. If this was about a parent joining their DCs friends, of a DP joining a women's night out, people wouldn't think it was sad if this was unwelcome, or assume there was something to hide, and I see no difference.

I can assure you it's not remotely sad, either for me or for them. We have an excellent relationship. But I'm their mother, not their mate, and 'barriers', which I would refer to as boundaries, are appropriate. It's not a question of hiding my real self, it's about recognizing that some aspects of self are more appropriately shared with some people than others. If this was about a parent joining their DCs friends, of a DP joining a women's night out, people wouldn't think it was sad if this was unwelcome, or assume there was something to hide, and I see no difference.

Fair enough, each to their own. I would hate to have that kind of relationship with my mum or my adult daughter, but we're all different I suppose.

Surely your friends don't count your children as their friends?
It's nice to have a chat with them, but for anything deeper it's just odd.

Looks like it’s fairly evenly split, those who would happily welcome and encourage their adult child to jojn them if they were hosting friends in their home and the child was staying there, and those who would tell them to fuck off and go sit in their room alone.

Seems the ops marriage is the same. Her husband is happy to inc the daughter, the op is not.

@MrsPsmalls

Adult ds lives with us and has friends over right now for a gaming evening. They are fab. I love them but I won't be joining them for games as that would be weird. Yesterday I went sea swimming with my friend. DS dropped me there and exchanged the time of day with my friend. He did not try to get in the water with us as that would be weird. I think you are quite right to not want her to constantly be part if your friendship group. Quick chat fine. Glass of wine fine, but not the whole evening. I'm amazed she can't see that for herself tbh.

But these are completely different. They are activities that you, or they, do with friends.

The OP is talking about a meal in their house.
In our family, we eat meals together if in the house - obviously people meals sometimes when they aren't there, but people don't get banished from the living space and left without food because there are additional people in the house.
Of course it would be odd well completely bonkers for one of my dc to join me on a meal out with my mates or colleagues or for me to go to their end of season spots dinner or whatever, but when anyone is cooking in the house, everyone would expect that that meal is available to all.

Those worried about things they can't say in front of a 20 yr old - have you missed there are 2 x 6 yr olds playing nearby ??