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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult child and friends

139 replies

GreenYellowRed · 30/07/2021 20:27

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over.
The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6.
My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 30/07/2021 22:37

Like a previous poster said she can't talk about the 20 year old on front of the 20 year old. Maybe an evening with friends for the op is a chance to switch off from being a mum and just being herself. There was a post ages ago from someone meeting up with friends and their adult son. The adult son monopolised the whole chat and talked down to the others as if he knew better. Not saying op's dd is like that but it changes the dynamic for all involved, including op's friends.

It's different if op's dd wants to go out with her or spend time with her mum but how receptive would she be if her mum ended to hang out with her friends?

Meraas · 30/07/2021 22:44

YANBU, but because it’s not really fair in your friends, they may feel they have to watch their tongue with a younger adult present.

CarryOn1 · 30/07/2021 22:45

Take it as a massive compliment that she WANTS to join you and your company.

How nice that she feel secure and happy socialising with you all. Pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy your now adult daughter's company too.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/07/2021 22:47

@Meraas

YANBU, but because it’s not really fair in your friends, they may feel they have to watch their tongue with a younger adult present.

What is it that you think they are afraid to say?

Meraas · 30/07/2021 22:48

Who said anything about being afraid?

The dynamic changes completely with younger adults and may affect the topics discussed or language used.

CatsArePeople · 30/07/2021 22:51

What is it that you think they are afraid to say?

Gossip. Something the 20yo may pass on to her own friends.

I'd suggest tell the 20yo to invite a friend or two of her own, so she has company and doesn't need to be in yours.

Wantingtogetitright · 30/07/2021 22:54

I think there’s a balance to strike here. It’s lovely that she is old enough to join you and it’s nice quality time to spend but to the people saying they love their adult DC joining and it doesn’t change things - would you want your mother sat having drinks with you and friends for long periods? It’s the same but different.

Ragwort · 30/07/2021 22:54

Of course it changes the dynamics, I have a 20 year old DS and although he will always come and chat to friends and maybe eat with us he wouldn't want to spend the whole evening with us and nor do I want to spend the evening with my friends' 'young adult children'. Equally he's got a friend staying tomorrow and I don't expect to sit and chat with them both all night.
.

caoixr · 30/07/2021 23:00

I used to have dinner with my parents and their friends all the time from when I was a teenager. I don't think it is strange. Just I was brought up nicely to make conversation but not monopolise it and be able to partake in a number of conversation topics. Is it because you want to talk about sex and get pished?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 23:05

There are also two 6 year olds meandering about, or do you banish them to a bedroom. What can you not say around a 20 year old that you apparently can around 6 year old?

mancarose · 30/07/2021 23:07

Really feel sorry your dd shes at the age where you should be like best friends, I feel like I'm closer to my parents as an adult they're my closest friends we can talk about anything and they absolutely love having us round for an evening meal with friends

Meraas · 30/07/2021 23:08

@Aquamarine1029

There are also two 6 year olds meandering about, or do you banish them to a bedroom. What can you not say around a 20 year old that you apparently can around 6 year old?

OP says they’re in the play room.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/07/2021 23:09

@PrettyLittleFlies

CandyLeBonBon · 30/07/2021 23:09

I'm a single parent. So my kids are with me pretty much all the time, certainly now they're older. If I have friends over for dinner, I just learn to keep conversations relatively manageable if I know my kids are at home. If I want to have a good chinwag without them in earshot, I meet my friends elsewhere.

Not that hard.

twiggytwoo · 30/07/2021 23:11

YANBU. All the people on this thread saying how much they love their adult children joining them but do their friends like this just as much?

I already don't like some of my friends kids - I dread the point where every time I go for dinner their adult children are there for the whole evening.

I don't think there's a lot you can do OP without being unwelcoming

CandyLeBonBon · 30/07/2021 23:11

@CatsArePeople

What is it that you think they are afraid to say?

Gossip. Something the 20yo may pass on to her own friends.

I'd suggest tell the 20yo to invite a friend or two of her own, so she has company and doesn't need to be in yours.

Well gossiping is a pretty unattractive trait so fair enough. I can understand if op doesn't want her dc to see that side of her.

Mischance · 30/07/2021 23:11

She is 20 - a fellow adult. Were you wanting her out of the way so you could talk about her!?

Please enjoy her company - and the pride you can feel in her being an adult who is happy to chat with your friends.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/07/2021 23:12

OP your feelings seem perfectly normal to me. I probably wouldn't actually ask your DD to leave, but I would be inwardly hoping for the chance of an unrestricted chat with my friends.

I know there are things my DM in particular chats to her friends about that she wouldn't want me hearing (including me, my siblings, my DF, her friends' DC and DH, financial or gynaecological issues, etc). I wouldn't sit there cramping their style.

Some of my friends' DC are now college age, and as much as I love to see them and catch up, it absolutely limits the conversation having them there. Luckily they don't settle in for the evening, except maybe at a wedding or something.

GerardWay123 · 30/07/2021 23:13

This

Keepitonthedownlow · 30/07/2021 23:14

Your DD must feel awful if you've actually told her to keep away. Shocking.

Splendo · 30/07/2021 23:15

YANBU OP. My friends and I used to meet up around monthly, always at Friend A's house because she was a single mum with a primary aged lad and an older teen, so she didnt want to leave them both to meet us elsewhere. It was fine when the little one went to bed early and the older one was a hermit in her room, but as soon as she turned 18 she wanted to join us all the time and it was awful. Friend B and I were both doing online dating at the time and could no longer talk candidly about our experiences, and teen tended to dominate conversation to the point where our friendship with A slowly fizzled out.
So I completely understand all those saying they want to be friends with their adult children, and that's absolutely lovely, I'm very good friends with my parents too. But that doesn't mean your friends necessarily want to be friends with your kids.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/07/2021 23:18

@Splendo

YANBU OP. My friends and I used to meet up around monthly, always at Friend A's house because she was a single mum with a primary aged lad and an older teen, so she didnt want to leave them both to meet us elsewhere. It was fine when the little one went to bed early and the older one was a hermit in her room, but as soon as she turned 18 she wanted to join us all the time and it was awful. Friend B and I were both doing online dating at the time and could no longer talk candidly about our experiences, and teen tended to dominate conversation to the point where our friendship with A slowly fizzled out. So I completely understand all those saying they want to be friends with their adult children, and that's absolutely lovely, I'm very good friends with my parents too. But that doesn't mean your friends necessarily want to be friends with your kids.

You don't have kids, I'm guessing?

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 23:21

Wow, this is weird.

I would fully expect any of my dc home from University to be able to pour themselves a drink and join in a conversation over dinner.
I think the OP is quite weird.
I'm guessing the dd isn't hanging around them all day, all night, but to sit with them for a meal seems a normal thing to do, to me.

MrsPsmalls · 31/07/2021 00:02

Adult ds lives with us and has friends over right now for a gaming evening. They are fab. I love them but I won't be joining them for games as that would be weird. Yesterday I went sea swimming with my friend. DS dropped me there and exchanged the time of day with my friend. He did not try to get in the water with us as that would be weird. I think you are quite right to not want her to constantly be part if your friendship group. Quick chat fine. Glass of wine fine, but not the whole evening. I'm amazed she can't see that for herself tbh.

Meraas · 31/07/2021 00:04

Well gossiping is a pretty unattractive trait so fair enough. I can understand if op doesn't want her dc to see that side of her.

Neither is being judgemental.

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