Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult child and friends

139 replies

GreenYellowRed · 30/07/2021 20:27

My 20 year old DD is back from uni and started joining us when we have friends over.
The dynamic is myself, DH plus another couple. Our other DD (6) is playing with friends DD, also 6.
My 20 year old DD pours herself a drink and joins the adults, while the 6 year olds play in the playroom.

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening as it changes the dynamic too much and we can't really talk freely. I pointed out to her that when she has friends over we don't join them in whatever they are doing but let them have space.
I don't particularly want to drink alcohol with her either.

My DH thinks it's odd that I have an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 30/07/2021 21:06

DS always joins us when he is home and we have friends around - and as he's just returned from Uni and has a dissertation to finish before he finds/starts a new career he is likely to be here for quite a while. This is his home and I wouldn't dream of telling him to stay in his room whilst be sit and eat/drink/socialise downstairs.

Do you expect your DD to go and join the 6 year olds or sit in her room by herself?

chunderwunder · 30/07/2021 21:10

Social exclusion is a very powerful, passive aggressive way of bullying or controlling others. Usually done when someone is seen as a threat.

Saying that parents don't hang around when children have friends over is disingenuous. It's a child's job to detach from their parents as they enter adulthood. It's not a parent's job to detach or exclude the child.

chunderwunder · 30/07/2021 21:13

The not wanting to drink with a child suggests a difficulty in accepting that child is now an adult.

Lots of stuff to unpick here. Doesn't sound like a very healthy family dynamic at all tbh.

MrsClatterbuck · 30/07/2021 21:14

I get you op. It definitely changes the dynamic and what if your friends have something to discuss with you and DH that they wouldn't want to discuss if your dd was there which is another way of looking at it. When we visited friends their kids even when older may have sat with us for a while but then went and did their own thing. It was never a problem as far as I am aware

peboh · 30/07/2021 21:14

Yabu. She's an adult. What would you rather she do, go up to her bedroom like a child and sit on her own?

EishetChayil · 30/07/2021 21:15

So mean to send her away! The idea of my adult daughter joining me for drinks with friends in future fills me with utter hopeful joy.

titchy · 30/07/2021 21:16

What can't you talk about in front of a 20yo?

The 20yo WinkGrin

Singinghollybob · 30/07/2021 21:19

Why can't the OP have an evening with her friends? I agree with you OP and I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want you be hanging out with her and her friends all night. Why is this different?
I think it's dramatic to say her daughter is being made to feel unwelcome. I don't see what's wrong with what you've said

tempester28 · 30/07/2021 21:20

Enjoy her company!

youdoyoutoday · 30/07/2021 21:22

Well she won't have any issues chucking you in to a home will she?

Most parents would be pleased (and proud) that their 20 year olds would want to hang out with them, interact with friends etc.
I get that you just want to chill out with your mates but how much chilling out can you do with 2 6yo around that you can't do with 1 20 yo?

And this was probably a 1 off too, your 20 yo is probably off out normally but after this past year, you also begrudge her catching up with people she knows.

You're odd, OP.

imjustanerd · 30/07/2021 21:24

@Tryalittlemagic

Christ some of you are dramatic The woman just wants to spend some time having an unfiltered chat with her friends.
I agree
Ideasplease322 · 30/07/2021 21:25

This happened in my parents frond group. Their daughter and her husband moved back and all off a sudden this couple came along to every event. It really irritated my mum and I didn’t really understand why.

They were adults, clearly a little lonely who enjoyed the company.

It stopped after a couple of years when they built their own connections.

Enjoy your daughters company, it won’t last long,

youdoyoutoday · 30/07/2021 21:26

How much unfiltered chat do you have in front of 2 6 year old children?? Hmm

LemonRoses · 30/07/2021 21:26

Our children and partners invariably join us if we’ve friends here or are going to friends locally. Our friends adult children usually join in too. It would seem very odd not to lay a place for them.

Standrewsschool · 30/07/2021 21:29

Visited some friends recently. The 19 and 21 were more than welcome to join us.

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 21:46

@Bluntness100

I have now asked DD (20) to join us for food and a quick catch up but not for a whole evening

So she then has to go sit in her room alone, hearing uou all downstairs but not allowed to join.

God that’s just horrible.

It really isn't. You are (as usual) missing the point.
PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 21:47

@chunderwunder

Social exclusion is a very powerful, passive aggressive way of bullying or controlling others. Usually done when someone is seen as a threat.

Saying that parents don't hang around when children have friends over is disingenuous. It's a child's job to detach from their parents as they enter adulthood. It's not a parent's job to detach or exclude the child.

😂 😂 😂

Pure batshittery

CandyLeBonBon · 30/07/2021 22:00

Are you swingers?

gogohm · 30/07/2021 22:06

Seems fine to me, we have dp's dd join us a lot, even if we are going out to dinner/pub. We have 2 20 year olds between us and it's been really tough for them, all they want is normality

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 22:11

@chunderwunder

Social exclusion is a very powerful, passive aggressive way of bullying or controlling others. Usually done when someone is seen as a threat.

Saying that parents don't hang around when children have friends over is disingenuous. It's a child's job to detach from their parents as they enter adulthood. It's not a parent's job to detach or exclude the child.

This, excellent post and sums it totally.

And there is clearly nothing being discussed as the ops husband thinks she’s behaving oddly

This isn’t she wants to go out with them, this is these people are in her home and the op doesn’t want her there. So either wishes her to go and sit with the six year olds or go to her room.

I get some people think that’s a lovely way to treat your 20 year old daughter in her own home. I personally think it’s horrible.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/07/2021 22:17

My god of course it changes the dynamics- same as having dh there if you are having a night with the girls.
Pp that are insinuating you don't enjoy her company are totally wrong imo and there is nothing wrong with wanting time with your friends

Smallkeys · 30/07/2021 22:25

I 100% agree with previous post and as the friend it does change the dynamic when my friends young adults hang out.

drinkstoomuchwine · 30/07/2021 22:31

I’d say completely normal OP - I’ve had a couple of periods of my adult life when I’ve lived back home. I’d have a drink (at most) and leave them to it. Actually I’d often make a quiet start to the clearing/ washing up to give my parents a break.
They’d all insist I join them but it would be a different dynamic for them if I did.
Would feel a bit entitled tbh.

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 22:34

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

My god of course it changes the dynamics- same as having dh there if you are having a night with the girls. Pp that are insinuating you don't enjoy her company are totally wrong imo and there is nothing wrong with wanting time with your friends
"people" insinuating are the usual, socially clueless suspects, fringing indignation that anyone could be a real person honest about feelings 😂
PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 22:34

*feigning