to ask what is so special about blond hair

[pocpocpoc]

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

You've made me think very hard about this. I was very blonde and curly (very messy it usually was, too) as a child and it was commented on in an affectionate way sometimes by family or people I knew, but I don't remember it being a huge deal and I certainly remember being envious of girls with straight hair that would brush neatly!

I have a blonde, curly-haired child and comment on it sometimes in the same terms and sometimes other children's "cherubic" blonde curls too. I do think it looks very sweet, probably because of associations I have with it, but largely I think I do this out of deep set memory of people doing the same to me when I was small which I associate on a very deep level with kindness and affection. (I actually commented on a child's curly blonde hair the other day and am now wondering if anyone took it the way you have ).

It's coming from the same sort of place in me as suddenly hearing my mother's voice and phrases come out of my mouth when parenting my child! It just creeps in based on my template of affection and parenting rather than 'meaning' anything as such.

You've made me think, though, as I certainly don't want anyone to think I'm implying that blonde curls are "better" than any other type of hair or think that I just can't find anything nice to say about them!

It is because its unusual. I'm blonde and I get quite a lot of attention here because of it but in the rest of Europe I get alot more. As a child strangers would rush at me!

@5128gap

Comedycook, I never said anyone was jealous, or that there was an ideal of beauty that shouldn't be deviated from. My point was that it's a shame when perceived preference for a characteristic is challenged by bringing down the people with the characteristic. Like your need to point out that you get more male attention than your blonde friend. Why is that important?

Exactly, comedycook came over as very chippy in her post

@paddlingon

I have definitely noticed that it is girls with blond hair and blue eyes that are chosen to play Mary in the school nativity play, including my dd. I don't think it a deliberate thing but it has to be a subconscious bias of some kind.

I would hope in more multi cultural areas this doesn't happen as much.

Really?? Every nativity I was in and have seen Mary was brunette with brown eyes. It’s an unwritten law that Mary must be brunette!

Interesting that people say the Disney princesses are majority blonde, there’s actually more brunettes

I actually commented on a child's curly blonde hair the other day and am now wondering if anyone took it the way you have

PepperPrig you are running the risk of overthinking this

Would you also refrain from commenting on a child's dark hair if you found it beautiful?

When I was small I cut a huge chunk of my hair off stating ' I didn't like yellow hair!'. I went on to have 4 children all with blonde hair but hadn't really thought much of it no special comments etc. I always wanted red hair but if I dye it...it washes out in days, back to boring yellow.

I am blond and I can 100% relate to OP's comments. I had people gush at me as a child because of it, speak to my mum about it and generally admire my hair. I also think that facially I'm not that attractive but that o always, always had more attention from men than a similar looking person with different coloured hair. I don't know why, but it just is. Even now as an adult I still have naturally blond hair and if it ever comes up that I don't dye it people rave about it. It's bizarre.

My children are very blonde, my ten year old in particular. They get really annoyed because people ruffle their hair a lot and they don't like it. I have no idea why people do this to them because I know this never happened to me when I was younger.

That's so true, PepperPrig, I have to stop myself always calling my friend's child a 'little princess' because I don't want to always talk about a little girl's looks, but it's just what we've learned as children is affectionate and when done in this way perhaps pretty harmless.

The fact is, you can raise your kids not to be hung up in looks but in society looks do matter. Blonde hair is attractive. Maybe because it's unusual but also I think because it is an attractive colour. Mousy hair is also light and restricted to white people but not considered attractive. Put two girls side by side one blonde one dark and the blonde will get more attention. I am not blonde. It doesn't bother me and I can admire a nice blonde head of hair without any resentment. And yes it may be a western ideal of beauty but err ... that's where we live. The OP has said where she comes from blondes are not considered attractive. Here they are. I don't get the issue and to me it does seem that there's some underlying jealousy here that the other grandchildren are more attractive- hers are clearly more intelligent. Both will have advantages in life for different reasons. It would be nice to be both but not many of us have it all. We just have to make the most of what we have.

@whatthejiggeries read your post back. Very offensive to say 'blondes are attractive, because of Western beauty standards and that's just the way it is.' What about challenging these standards?
Beauty is based on so many factors. Think of all the models who if you described on paper wouldn't sound beautiful but in real life are stunning. Just off the top of my head women I think of as beautiful are Lupita, Naomi Osaka, Penelope Cruz, Gemma Chan, Kate Winslet, Nadiya Hussein, Shakira, Jenelle Monae. As far as I know, beautiful people aren't based on just hair colour and skin colour alone, it's the whole package. Therefore any idea of a beauty 'standard' is complete tosh.

I personally find bias in people who describe being gushed over/ their children being gushed over for having blond hair. How do you know this attention you have received wouldn't have come anyway had you had different hair colour? Why assume it's because of your superior blond status? I have blond and dark-haired dc blue eyed and brown eyed. They've all had their share of comments and are often called 'the children with the eyes' for their beautiful eyes. I personally find blond hair a bit boring and washed out looking and prefer the defined eyebrows and eyelashes that come with brown hair. But I appreciate true beauty whatever the shade. Humans come in all shapes and colours and I think part of embracing this diversity is appreciating beauty in all its forms.

It's one thing to admire someone's blonde hair while also assessing their ability to be a good friend, do a good job, work hard at school, etc.

But it's clear that some people only see blonde hair as a magical spell that automatically gives the blonde person exceptional qualities in all walks of life!

This thread has been quite enlightening (and a bit depressing, tbh).

Put two girls side by side one blonde one dark and the blonde will get more attention

This is absolute nonsense. Attractiveness is based on far more than just hair colour. Years ago when I was single and going out clubbing with my blonde friend I'd get far more male attention

@Anyother

I personally find bias in people who describe being gushed over/ their children being gushed over for having blond hair. How do you know this attention you have received wouldn't have come anyway had you had different hair colour? Why assume it's because of your superior blond status? I have blond and dark-haired dc blue eyed and brown eyed. They've all had their share of comments and are often called 'the children with the eyes' for their beautiful eyes. I personally find blond hair a bit boring and washed out looking and prefer the defined eyebrows and eyelashes that come with brown hair. But I appreciate true beauty whatever the shade. Humans come in all shapes and colours and I think part of embracing this diversity is appreciating beauty in all its forms.

I also wondered about this. My dark haired, dark eyed mixed race dd has also had tons of comments over the years and plenty of gushing - about her hair, about her eyes, even about her eyelashes ffs!

I have never assumed that any gushing was related to the colour of her hair/eyes/skin etc, but rather just because people like cute little kids/bubbly smiley teenagers and tend to comment on them!

@Comedycook it's ludicrous. Think of Lady Gaga and Beyoncé, who would most people say is more conventionally attractive?

@Comedycook you were probably more attractive than your friend. No one would say an ugly blonde woman is more attractive than a beautiful brunette and lady gags is a case in point however two equally attractive people the blonde will get more attention. It's a fact

@AiyaNapawithmorenaps not really a good comparison. Lady GAga is not renowned for her beauty and Beyoncé whilst very beautiful arguably does fit western standards of beauty. We can debate whether this is right or wrong forever but Someone like Denise Van Outen in her heyday will always turn more heads than her brunette equivalent

[quote whatthejiggeries]@Comedycook you were probably more attractive than your friend. No one would say an ugly blonde woman is more attractive than a beautiful brunette and lady gags is a case in point however two equally attractive people the blonde will get more attention. It's a fact [/quote]
I think blonde might be seen from further away so might get more heads being turned from eg men in cars. Also, a rarer hair colour as people have noted and the rarity factor might also work for very dark hair, but not for the average kind of mousy brown.
I had a colleague with long blonde hair who didn't get much flirting from the men at work who knew her, but was constantly pestered if she went to a nightclub.

"It’s an unwritten law that Mary must be brunette!"

It wasn't when I was growing up. A primary school Mary doesn't have to look Israeli.

I agree children with blonde curly hair are usually showered with compliments also..I don’t understand it either.

Well, I love black hair. It is so beautiful.

@Icecreamsoda99

Interesting that your SIL gushes over the blonde hair on her son, it's usually the dark hair for boys and the blonde for girls - tall dark and handsome, looking at the Disney Princes - all black/brown hair bar one, while the Disney Princesses are majority blonde. It would pee me off as well OP.

I think blond is still sees as attractive in small boys, even if dark is seen as the ideal for grown men. (Probably because we don't value youth in men as much as we do in women in evolutionary terms).

@Rinoachicken

Wonder if it’s rooted way further back for this country, so black hair = celt, red hair = soft or viking, blonde hair = european/germanic.

The Celts/Scots were (and still are?) looked down upon so that colour hair less prized perhaps as suggests Celt/Scot ancestry?

You're right, but I'd argue that red hair has now come to be seen as Celtic.

"Yet skin that’s too pale isn’t seen as desirable either to some, hence the zillion different fake tabs available and places offering sun-bed sessions. That’s so dangerous and can cause cancer. All because they want to be brown."

Yep and now lip fillers to make our lips look more like African than European lips.
Beauty standards are not as clear cut as white being favoured.