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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what is so special about blond hair

456 replies

pocpocpoc · 29/07/2021 18:20

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

OP posts:

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 14:58

@Comedycook

a pp pointed out, some cultures want their skin to appear lighter, not because they want to look Caucasian, but because it can indicate where they are in terms of ‘class’ within their society/culture

Yes and where do you think the idea that lighter skin equals a higher rank/class/status comes from?

We’re taking about some Asian countries whereby what class you belong to could be indicative of what job you do, whether you’re educated or not.

This still happens in 2021, we’re not taking about 100 years ago.

Comedycook · 30/07/2021 15:01

Yes I know that...it's called colourism and in the Caribbean, from what I understand, had much to do with slavery.

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:04

@Comedycook

if you’re honestly saying that using sun beds isn’t a problem and that skin cancer is just mehhh

Yeah because that's exactly what I said.

You seem to be one of those tiresome people who believe if someone isn't verbally abusing someone because of their race or being violent towards them, then racism cannot possibly exist.

And you seem to be one of those people trying to make everything about racism. It’s clear as day with your comments up and down this thread.

No one says racism isn’t rife, it absolutely is. I’ve already said that MIL in this scenario is a Dickhead and yes she may be a racist. That wouldn’t surprise me if she was and I don’t like the way she keeps going on about blonde hair to the other grandchild.

That said, her aside, having a preference for blonde hair in general doesn’t make someone racist!!!

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:05

It’s as if you’re suggesting that if someone says ‘I prefer blonde hair’ then they are racist and that’s mental!!

Comedycook · 30/07/2021 15:06

It's really not about being an out and out racist. I'm sure if the mil was challenged she'd be absolutely horrified at the assumption it was about race. But sub conscious bias exists...

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:10

@Comedycook

Yes I know that...it's called colourism and in the Caribbean, from what I understand, had much to do with slavery.

Yes and I don’t disagree with that with it but we’re talking about the system in Asian counties whereby it’s still a thing today.

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:14

@Comedycook

It's really not about being an out and out racist. I'm sure if the mil was challenged she'd be absolutely horrified at the assumption it was about race. But sub conscious bias exists...

No one is saying it doesn’t exist, but my point is, being blonde haired and blue eyed certainly isn’t everyone’s preference at all.

No one would look twice at someone with blonde hair and blues where I live. Certainly wouldn’t get special treatment at all. I find that bizarre, though I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, as evidently on this thread it does.

boogiewithasuitcase · 30/07/2021 15:15

It's not just about having a preference, though, is it, it's more that the MIL and SIL talk as if being born with blonde hair is just as important as any other achievements. This isn't a good message for any children whatever their hair colour!

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:15

Now green eyes are just beautiful imo. The most beautiful of all.

TableFlowerss · 30/07/2021 15:17

@boogiewithasuitcase

I agree. No one should focus that much on specific features, as if it’s so important. Terrible behaviour

paddlingon · 30/07/2021 15:19

I have definitely noticed that it is girls with blond hair and blue eyes that are chosen to play Mary in the school nativity play, including my dd.
I don't think it a deliberate thing but it has to be a subconscious bias of some kind.

I would hope in more multi cultural areas this doesn't happen as much.

secondbellini · 30/07/2021 16:03

‘It's not just about having a preference, though, is it, it's more that the MIL and SIL talk as if being born with blonde hair is just as important as any other achievements. This isn't a good message for any children whatever their hair colour!’

Or she’s just trying to be equally nice about all grandchildren so is trying to find something complimentary to say about the niece.

boogiewithasuitcase · 30/07/2021 16:06

Well, she needs to try harder then.

Livpool · 30/07/2021 16:09

DS is blonde and people always comment - I think because it is quite unusual. In Spain when he was younger people kept rubbing his head

Serenissima21 · 30/07/2021 16:19

I think a lot is fascination with what is unusual. My dh is Italian and I have one ds who is very dark skinned, black hair - lots of remarks made in the UK about how handsome he is but in Italy he blends in. My other ds is lighter, blue eyed - lots of remarks in Italy about his blue eyes, nobody bothered about them in the UK. 😂

Icecreamsoda99 · 30/07/2021 16:36

Interesting that your SIL gushes over the blonde hair on her son, it's usually the dark hair for boys and the blonde for girls - tall dark and handsome, looking at the Disney Princes - all black/brown hair bar one, while the Disney Princesses are majority blonde. It would pee me off as well OP.

Original poster

pocpocpoc · 30/07/2021 17:24

@Icecreamsoda99

That's what makes me think there is a race element to it.

OP posts:

FuckingFabulous · 30/07/2021 18:07

I'm blonde and tall. I never got any special credit for it. I think because I'm the wrong kind of blonde. Not golden or platinum, more of a darker ashy blonde. My children are all blonde as well and they don't get any special credit either..... where do I go to get this blonde credit??

Original poster

pocpocpoc · 30/07/2021 18:09

@FuckingFabulous

Get yourself a dark foreign SIL! Get her to have dark haired children. Then you can enjoy your blonde supremacy!

OP posts:

FuckingFabulous · 30/07/2021 18:10

I did get loads of creepy comments though.

"Blonde hair and blue eyes- you could be a porn star!"

"Ooh, blondes have more fun. Wanna come and have some fun!"

"Blondes are always up for it."

And the classic "blondes are stupid" thing. Being constantly patronised and having my intelligence undervalued because of the colour of my hair has been irritating. Doesn't happen to my boys. Does happen to my girl.

FuckingFabulous · 30/07/2021 18:14

@pocpocpoc, I do have a dark haired SIL. Her dark haired kids are gorgeous, one has brown eyes and they're like milk chocolate coloured. They're so beautiful!

Original poster

pocpocpoc · 30/07/2021 18:18

[quote FuckingFabulous]@pocpocpoc, I do have a dark haired SIL. Her dark haired kids are gorgeous, one has brown eyes and they're like milk chocolate coloured. They're so beautiful! [/quote]
Then you are not playing your cards right! Go to my original post for how to use your blondness as a trump card and put it in seemingly irrelevant conversations!

OP posts:

Rinoachicken · 30/07/2021 18:21

Wonder if it’s rooted way further back for this country, so black hair = celt, red hair = soft or viking, blonde hair = european/germanic.

The Celts/Scots were (and still are?) looked down upon so that colour hair less prized perhaps as suggests Celt/Scot ancestry?

wordsareveryunnecessary · 30/07/2021 18:40

I'm blonde. My hair is fine, limp and frizzy on humidity. It really isn't anything special

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 30/07/2021 21:35

@Comedycook obviously not
My ideal .. just saying history dictates it was .

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