to ask what is so special about blond hair

[pocpocpoc]

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

@Comedycook

I really can't understand why posters can't see why it upsets the op. It would feel to me like they're basically saying, you're the whitest/lightest hence you are the prettiest. It seems so obvious to me that that's the issue

Thank you.

It is also coupled with the fear of how well DCs will be able to adopt in the society. I have been personally subjected to bias, micro-aggression and discrimination, but I view is as 'part and parcel' of my personal choice to live in my husband's country rather than my own.

DCs did not choose to be born like that. This is their country. I am worried about how they will be perceived when they grow up. If MIL and SIL can so casually talk about their hair being less 'desirable' what other bias and micro-aggressions will they be facing?

This particular example is not the only one, as you can imagine, but others are a little more 'obvious'. In this case I honestly wanted to understand why the blonde hair. The thread was very very useful to me. I can see how it has this special place in this culture, so I am actually a lot less worried about this being a racist statement, in a sense that I can now accept that, if it is racist, it is likely to be made un-consciously rather than deliberately.

Prior to reading all the helpful responses on this thread (I've read them all, thank you everyone - for links, historic references, parallels with ginger hair and your childhood stories), I could not understand why they were talking about a hair colour so my conclusion was that it was used to highlight our racial differences. Now I know it is a lot more subtle

@5128gap

Comedycook, I never said anyone was jealous, or that there was an ideal of beauty that shouldn't be deviated from. My point was that it's a shame when perceived preference for a characteristic is challenged by bringing down the people with the characteristic. Like your need to point out that you get more male attention than your blonde friend. Why is that important?

Absolutely no need to bring anyone down for any characteristics.

I am mentoring a young colleague, who is perceived as less intelligent and hard-working on account of being a very stunningly beautiful blonde. The girl is the most talented, hard-working, determined, intelligent young colleague I've ever met. I was familiar with the bias against 'dumb blondes', therefore I was not sure why MIL was so excited about DN's blonde hair.

Yes it's subconscious I'm sure. If you suggested to them that there is a racist element to this, they'd probably be horrified. It's small things...my ds is mixed race, any minor misbehaviour at school was jumped on immediately and I was spoken to. Meanwhile in my dds class, there was a little blonde girl who was unspeakably vile to my dd yet no one could see beyond her angelic looks

Not you OP but some of these answers are depressing. If only women could stop putting other women down. Tell your MIL she’s letting the side down and to start praising her granddaughters for being strong, intelligent young women who have a lot to offer

I think white babies often born with dark hair that fall out and new baby hair are blondish then occasionally get really blond and then turn more brown later on so many people find blond cute as it's a sign that the baby is still small and innocent in their minds. So I guess the culture made blond hair special. Hair gets blonder in summer sigh of happy leisure summer life. I'm Renaissance paintings all baby angels are blond. So I guess there are lots of cultural associations that make adults find blond hair cute. Both DH and I have brown hair and DS too but family often say "oh look he's so blond, looks like he's getting blonder" (he's not). It's a bit silly and retrograde really, but I guess that's where it is comes from.

Comedycook, People on here are saying blonde is more desirable to men. And surely thats what you're saying when you refer, correctly imo, to an imposed beauty standard? If it hadn't led blonde to be perceived as more attractive, it has hardly been imposed, and there would be no issue. Personally I have no idea. I've always had the hair colour I have, so have no reliable comparator. The amount of make attention recieved by friends with different coloured hair is meaningless, as we are different in every way. (Male attention is also meaningless for a lot of other excellent reasons.) I agree with you there is a racist element to the idealisation of western beauty standards and that this should be challenged. I just don't think the right way to do this is by being derogatory about women who have these characteristics, as several posts on here have been.

Is it possible that your MIL is praising the children in the way that they or their parents want them to be praised?

So perhaps you/your daughter prefer to be praised for achievements and your niece/her mum prefer to be praised for physical appearance?

As it happens, I do sing to my daughter the ABBA lyrics ‘you are so lucky, you are the girl with the golden hair,’ and praise her blonde hair. She does stand out in groups because she is one of the few adults with naturally blonde hair.

If she didn’t have blonde hair, I would find some other physical attribute to praise about her.

idealisation of western beauty standards and that this should be challenged

I understand that the OP is in the UK, hence the west. So why should it be problematic that some people go by western beauty standards? Surely China has different beauty standards, the same happens in countries with a majority non-white population, etc.

What is there to 'challenge' here and why? Everyone may have their own preferences as to what characteristics they perceive to be beautiful depending on the context. What's the problem?

what other bias and micro-aggressions will they be facing

OP, the minute you said 'micro-aggressions' it became apparent that you are perhaps letting yourself be influenced by the toxic rhetoric so in vogue today. You will get bogged down unnecessarily and you will subconsciously transfer all this negativity to your children. Please don't do this. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, there's no point in fostering division and resentment

@mustlovegin. Actually throughout much of the world, Western beauty standards are pervasive. Hence why there is eyelid surgery in Korea and skin bleaching in African countries. It is so damaging

the minute you said 'micro-aggressions' it became apparent that you are perhaps letting yourself be influenced by the toxic rhetoric so in vogue today

Oh dear god, are you going to go one about how everyone is so woke nowadays.

@mustlovegin

what other bias and micro-aggressions will they be facing

OP, the minute you said 'micro-aggressions' it became apparent that you are perhaps letting yourself be influenced by the toxic rhetoric so in vogue today. You will get bogged down unnecessarily and you will subconsciously transfer all this negativity to your children. Please don't do this. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, there's no point in fostering division and resentment

I don't even know how to respond.

Your post is the very definition of the racist micro-aggression.

Why do you think that 'toxic rhetoric' is the problem rather than racism, discrimination and bias?

Red hair is in the same spectrum as brown

This is incorrect, red hair mostly found in Europe is due to a gene mutation in the melanocortin 1 receptor (MC1R). This gene results in red hair pigmentation and white very pale skin. Pheomelanin gives red hair its colour. It's not the same as brown hair but with a different 'shade' IYSWIM

What is there to 'challenge' here and why?

The UK is a multi cultural society it would be very damaging for the dc growing up to only have one beauty ideal, the blond haired blue eyed one.
Because many dc will have very different looks and also be very beautiful.

@pocpocpoc

I think the PP just means that in the western majority white world, it seems obvious that a particularly white feature would be held up as a beauty ideal. Sure, the west isnt as white as it once was, but it still is very much predominantly white, and although perspectives are widening, it's only natural that there would be leftover subconscious mainstream preferences.

@Mammyloveswine

Oh my youngest has beautiful light blonde hair and it is always commented on! It's constant whenever we go anywhere, probs cos my husband is dark, I'm ginger and eldest is dark haired too!

Always get asked "where does he get it from?" as if we couldn't have possibly created a blonde child!

Our milkman was blonde 😂😂

Redheads are not typically Jewish

They are Scottish/north east/Irish.

Actually throughout much of the world, Western beauty standards are pervasive

The OP said herself that where she was born, the beauty standards were different from the Western ideal and that blondes were not considered special. So no, beauty standards are not the same worldwide, and that's fine

@Maria53

I get this as a redhead and have watched my aunt being treated as you describe as a natural blonde. As others have said, I think it's the rarity.

Yes, whenever I go on holiday with my friend who is a natural redhead (stunning deep red, alabaster skin, green/blue eyes), she is fawned over - and I can see why. It can get a bit scary for her with men, but she is used to it. I think it's because it is just so rare, and I have to say it is a gorgeous colour!

@Comedycook

Sorry but it really irritates me when people just dismiss this as simply a preference. It really isn't that simple. It's hugely tied up with sub conscious racism, religious imagery, colourism, western beauty standards that we are exposed to all our lives

This. Jesus and Mary are nearly always portrayed in art as fair and blue eyed when as Middle Easteners they would have been dark.

You are completely right. The way many people idolise blonde hair is ridiculous and part of the racist undertones we don't acknowledge. I was a dark blonde as a child and have spent 20 years highlighting my hair only recently deciding to stop. My children are both very blonde. I do think they are beautiful but I would think that regardless of hair colour and skin tone and I do not prize the blonde hair more than if they had been brown haired

Reading pp re countries I’m now intrigued which country op is from

There have been some comments on Western beauty styles being globally pervasive, but one common fallacy that I've seen printed in Western media is about Asians wanting lighter skin, and this is therefore somehow evidence that Asians really want to be white and therefore skin-bleaching products are racist. It often isn't this - where I am, white women are viewed as quite manly and unattractive, and light skin is desired because it shows you work in an office (and are middle-class and have money and status) as opposed to working in the fields (and being working-class/poor)and darker due to sun exposure.

@mustlovegin

idealisation of western beauty standards and that this should be challenged

I understand that the OP is in the UK, hence the west. So why should it be problematic that some people go by western beauty standards? Surely China has different beauty standards, the same happens in countries with a majority non-white population, etc.

What is there to 'challenge' here and why? Everyone may have their own preferences as to what characteristics they perceive to be beautiful depending on the context. What's the problem?

That’s what I was thinking. You can’t challenge someone’s preference for physical attributes in general terms, that’s absolute bonkers.

Regarding this thread and the OP’s concerns, the MIL sounds like an idiot and I totally understand in this context, why it’s problematic, as she’s sharing her views that could make the other child feel inadequate and that’s wrong.

But in general terms everyone has a preference and that is totally ok 👌

[quote Kalvinette]@pocpocpoc

I think the PP just means that in the western majority white world, it seems obvious that a particularly white feature would be held up as a beauty ideal. Sure, the west isnt as white as it once was, but it still is very much predominantly white, and although perspectives are widening, it's only natural that there would be leftover subconscious mainstream preferences.[/quote]
Yes, I get it now.

Just a bit disappointed that they can't seem to be able to look past their bias for the sake of their grandchildren.

After all, DH and I somehow found each other attractive, although neither of us conform to each other's cultural beauty standards.

I do have aunts on my side of the family that I know for a fact find DH strange-looking (with his pale skin and freckles), but they will never admit to it to me, let alone DCs. They go out of the way to make DCs feel accepted and not different.