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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 29/07/2021 20:10

I’m on the fence, she’s unreasonable to plan it after you have asked her and told her about the weekend but I also think your unreasonable to think they need a car. Just make sure they have shopping in. It’s one night.

BaseDrops · 29/07/2021 20:10

“She said but that's what students do”

Mm. They do. I wouldn’t say another word about it. Then I would come back and ask her to choose between paying for her own tax/insurance petrol repairs or not having access to the car. Students who want to only do stuff to suit themselves - can self fund it.

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 20:11

I don’t know… this looks like the daughter has used her critical thinking skills and has worked out she was pushed to agree to do something that much less important than going to a party. You surely wouldn’t want grads who can’t think for themselves

I want grads who have sufficient critical thinking skills to recognise that what is the most important thing to them isn’t necessarily the most important thing to other people. And that their priorities don’t invariably come front of the queue.

nanbread · 29/07/2021 20:11

Do you have a relative or neighbour friend with a car you could ask to be on call or stay for the weekend?

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:12

Sorry, too many posts to reply to. Someone asked what ds18 thought,, he's fine with it. Ds15 is a bit worried about not having a car! Hopefully they'll be absolutely fine and Ds15 will feel more confident when we get back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:12

You'd think at this age you could go away for a trip without kids without it being a huge bloody deal.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 29/07/2021 20:15

Bob on jassy

Bagamoyo1 · 29/07/2021 20:15

The point I was making by saying the details were irrelevant, is that it doesn’t matter whether people think it’s reasonable to want a car available or not. That’s not the main point. The point is that she shouldn’t agree to something then back out. Regardless of whether or not it’s a reasonable request. You asked, she (albeit reluctantly) agreed, and now she’s backing out. And that is wrong. So I can see why your DH is angry.

DearFrutti · 29/07/2021 20:16

Personally I’d say, okay. Off you go.
But you’re not taking my car. Arrange your own transport.
But I’m a bitch like that Grin

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:16

@Breastfeedingworries

Also why do you live in such a remote place?!?! That must be hell for the young folk.
It's where our job is.

They loved it and if you have a car it's fine. Dd went to uni in a city though!

OP posts:
Ineedmoreguineapigs · 29/07/2021 20:16

You asked in advance and she agreed. She's now backing out because she's had a party invite. Use as life lesson about responsibilities and keeping commitments that are important to others. Time to stop bankrolling car, esp if your financial position is no longer as secure.

Killahangilion · 29/07/2021 20:17

@gogohm

I didn't pass my test until my kids were at secondary school, it's fine not to drive!
Hmm In a city, yes.

It’s really not fine not to have access to a car when you live in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by fields and woods and single track roads to walk on.

I live a 90 min car drive away from the nearest hospital/A&E. The nearest bus stop is 7 miles and you won’t get a taxi prepared to come out to collect you. Emergency situations are usually resolved by relying on extremely good friends!!

OP, I think your oldest is taking the piss. Take the car away and let her manage without it for a year. She might find her priorities change somewhat.

expat101 · 29/07/2021 20:17

@Omronron

Last year I got kicked by a horse. Knocked out, broken arm, head injury. The ambulance said they'd be an hour and 45 mins! Dh drove me to the hospital.
Totally understand esp knowing you own stock too. We are also very rural, local ambulance is run by volunteers. If anyone has a head or spinal injury we are supposed to ask for helicopter uplift…

Hard to explain all that to people who live in town on top of each other or on garden blocks.

However what sort of neighbourhood support have you in place already? Is there someone next door you feel comfortable in asking if they would be able to offer assistance in case of emergency?

I wouldn’t be too happy with DD either. Is she being pressured to be at this party for another reason? If not, then I would expect her to honour the arrangement made as you do for her needs.

NoSquirrels · 29/07/2021 20:18

Do you have neighbours (even if not strictly adjacent Grin) or anyone else who works in the business etc you can just ask to be on standby in the (extremely) unlikely event of a problem?

And yeah, I think it’s a bit shit of her. A commitment is a commitment.

I also think she should buy the car off you so you can give DS18 the same opportunity she’s benefited from.

StCharlotte · 29/07/2021 20:18

@CupoTeap

I would be unhappy that she agreed and now is sacking it off for a party. I just think if you agree to do something you should do it.
Yes. Which is why I voted YANBU but you fidn't really need to ask her in the first place with an 18 year old in the house. Even a non-driving one - they won't starve (are you miles from shops?).
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:19

My friend lives a few miles away and I'll give her the heads up. My nearest neighbour is lovely but in her 80s!

OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:20

Even a non-driving one - they won't starve (are you miles from shops?)

About 10 miles from the nearest supermarket Grin

OP posts:
RadandMad · 29/07/2021 20:21

If one of mine agreed to do something then u-turned cos they wanted to do something else, they'd be in serious shit. Not just because it'd be a slap in the face of someone who does far more for them than the other way around, but because decent people don't let others down for purely selfish reasons.

RobinPenguins · 29/07/2021 20:21

Since you pay for her car I think she’s being a bit selfish. But the other DC will be fine, it’s not the end of the world.

PopAyetheSailorMam · 29/07/2021 20:23

Are crooklocks on offer on Amazon ? Asking for a friend

RadandMad · 29/07/2021 20:23

@JassyRadlett Just saw your comment and could not agree more.

Therealjudgejudy · 29/07/2021 20:23

OP, dont worry about your sons they will be fine, try and enjoy your night away

Your daughter on the other hand sounds like an entitled madam. Who is paying the petrol for her to go partying in your car?

silkience · 29/07/2021 20:25

As a parent to similar ages DC I think you are being incredibly unreasonable. DD shouldn't be responsible for her siblings and an 18 and 15 year old shouldn't need anyone to be responsible for them!

@GenderAKAStereotypes OP pays for the car.... family life is about a bit of give and take. One could equally say to the dd "As a daughter of a similar age. I think you are being incredibly unreasonable. Your DM shouldn't be responsible for providing you with a car at 22!"

But in the real world life is a bit more reciprocal, families help each other out. But sounds like it's only working one way with OP's DD.

Saoirse82 · 29/07/2021 20:30

She's being incredibly selfish. If she knows how much you need this trip and is quite happy to spoil it for you why are you still willing to pay for the car? She sounds very entitled, stop paying for her!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/07/2021 20:32

Ah well, she pays for the car from now on.