Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Breastfeedingworries · 29/07/2021 19:54

Also why do you live in such a remote place?!?! That must be hell for the young folk.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:54

@Breastfeedingworries

Surely a 15 and 18 year old can be left with food. After lockdown and all the shit young people have been through, why don’t you let her run to that party! I’d go as far as sending her with champagne! You begged her and she didn’t want to. I’d apologise and trust your younger two. There’s police and ambulances for emergences.

Buy lots of easy food and snacks bread and butter pizza and enjoy your weekend! Xx

She's been partying throughout the pandemic 🙄
OP posts:
TheSummerHolidaysMakeMeCrazy · 29/07/2021 19:54

There was a post a couple of days ago about a similarly aged daughter who was meant to be looking after her 13 year old sister, who left the younger sis alone to party in the parents home.

The advice to the very pissed off mum was to go silent, stop all favours & kindnesses to all children (there was a 19 year old son too).

Maybe this could be your strategy? Selfish daughter gets her fun but feels the repercussions through withdrawal of family favour that she's not prepared to pay into.

I have a sometimes selfish teenage son and the earlier post really resonated, I hope you get my point.

CheesyWeez · 29/07/2021 19:55

Can you move your break to midweek? She can run the business for you while you're away and the temptation of a student party will be less likely.
I can understand she wants to go a party but she did SAY she would stay at home.
I think your 15yo and 18yo will be fine.

2bazookas · 29/07/2021 19:56

She's being selfish and unhelpful.

You're short of money and struggling; economise by selling her car.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 19:57

I find this very unreasonable.your son is an adult. Make sure enough food is in, give them a taxi number, it’s mad to want an adult there to baby sit another adult in the rare event they may need to drive someplace.

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 19:57

Some of these posts! ‘If my adult child made a commitment and then reneged on it, I would buy her a bottle of champagne and apologise for having the temerity to ask a favour.’

I mean this explains the attitude of some of the grads we get at work. Some of them get a pretty sharp shock about exactly how much the world revolves around them and how much they’ll be nursemaided.

grapewine · 29/07/2021 19:57

She needs to realise that part of being an adult is sometimes doing things you don’t want to do for the benefit of someone else.

This - as well as paying your own way. She's selfish, but you've probably been indulging her. I'd stop that.

Bagamoyo1 · 29/07/2021 19:58

I think the details are irrelevant (need of a car, rural location, possible emergency etc). The point is your DD made an arrangement to stay at home, and has backed out because she’s had a better offer. That’s wrong. We’ve all been in the situation where we’ve agreed to do something and then something more fun has come up. But the right thing to do is stick with the original plan.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 29/07/2021 19:58

I’m really curious whether you and your husband drink alcohol at the same time at home or whether one of you stays sober at all times?

MsMarvellous · 29/07/2021 19:59

I think they would have been ok if you hadn't asked her to stay home, but, the point her is you did. She agreed, and now she's backing out.

I'd stop paying for her car and giving her money. She's 22. She wants to be an adult and independent of being part of the family, let her be independent.

MyriadeOfThings · 29/07/2021 19:59

You are mentioning the moors.
If it’s anything like the North Yorkshire moors, when you are isolated, you really are.
As laid back as I am (and I am very laid back), I’d be uncomfortable too.

I would organise and see if a nearby neighbours could be ‘on call’ iyswim.
I would also tell dd that her behaviour isn’t on. She agreed she would be there. Going back on her agreement isn’t on, regardless of whether what you asked for was necessary/acceptable etc….

RaginaPhalange · 29/07/2021 20:01

Annoying she agreed to do it and now won't tho I think at 18 and 15 they should be fine on their own.

Also I would stop giving her money and paying for the car she's 22. Let her stand on her own 2 feet

gogohm · 29/07/2021 20:02

I didn't pass my test until my kids were at secondary school, it's fine not to drive!

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 29/07/2021 20:03

@JassyRadlett

Some of these posts! ‘If my adult child made a commitment and then reneged on it, I would buy her a bottle of champagne and apologise for having the temerity to ask a favour.’

I mean this explains the attitude of some of the grads we get at work. Some of them get a pretty sharp shock about exactly how much the world revolves around them and how much they’ll be nursemaided.

I don’t know… this looks like the daughter has used her critical thinking skills and has worked out she was pushed to agree to do something that much less important than going to a party. You surely wouldn’t want grads who can’t think for themselves 🙃
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/07/2021 20:03

It's massively unfair to burden a child

She's 22! She's an adult!

Ragwort · 29/07/2021 20:03

Totally agree that I would be very disappointed if this was my DD, it's not about whether the other two will be OK (they will) but it's about agreeing to a commitment and, just for once, thinking about other people instead of her social life. I have a DS of similar age and, sadly, they can be utterly selfish.

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 29/07/2021 20:04

A weekend is really not that long to be without transportation. At 18 and 15, they're more than old enough to manage a couple of days without a car.

But I'd be very unimpressed, on principle, if my daughter refused to stay home for just a couple of days, especially since you're paying for her car. It's not that much to ask, really.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 29/07/2021 20:05

YANBU.

She agreed to help then reneged. That isn’t on. Especially after a rotten year and especially when she knows how much a worry free weekend would mean to you.

It is for one weekend. Just one.

I’d have been more dithery if she hadn’t agreed in advance. But she did and has dropped the ball.

I’d be rethinking about paying for the car going forwards but I’m harsh if I feel let down.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/07/2021 20:05

@Breastfeedingworries

Surely a 15 and 18 year old can be left with food. After lockdown and all the shit young people have been through, why don’t you let her run to that party! I’d go as far as sending her with champagne! You begged her and she didn’t want to. I’d apologise and trust your younger two. There’s police and ambulances for emergences.

Buy lots of easy food and snacks bread and butter pizza and enjoy your weekend! Xx

The world doesn't revolve around 22 year olds who wish to spend every day partying. Everybody's had a shit 18 months, including OP and her husband, who also have the added concerns over their business and livelihood. Glad you'd expect your daughter to run to another party and send her off with champagne but most people expect a bit of give and take with adult children who are still funded by parents.
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:05

@OhNoNoNoNoNo

I’m really curious whether you and your husband drink alcohol at the same time at home or whether one of you stays sober at all times?
My dh has had cancer and doesn't drink.
OP posts:
cornflakelife · 29/07/2021 20:06

Why do they need a car. Surely emergency services exist for emergencies?
It's 48 hrs

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:07

@Bagamoyo1

I think the details are irrelevant (need of a car, rural location, possible emergency etc). The point is your DD made an arrangement to stay at home, and has backed out because she’s had a better offer. That’s wrong. We’ve all been in the situation where we’ve agreed to do something and then something more fun has come up. But the right thing to do is stick with the original plan.
The details are relevant because I wouldn't have asked her to stay at home for the weekend if we lived somewhere where the others could easily walk to a friends or pop to a shop.
OP posts:
RyanAirVeteran · 29/07/2021 20:08

@billy1966

I have children that age.

I think she is being TOTALLY unreasonable.

I wouldn't accept her backing out of the arrangement last minute, I would SO pissed off that she is causing upset just before the weekend and I would be telling her that there will be consequences.

She is very very selfish to spoil the one weekend her parents are having away.

I have a son the same age that can be a bit self absorbed, but lord he wouldn't dream of doing that.

I think your husband is correct to be livid.

She sounds selfish and spoiled.

I would be totally rethinking a car for someone like that.

Has she ANY idea how hard ye have been working to keep everything afloat?

Total bratty madam behaviour that I sure as shit would NOT be financing.

@billy1966

Has saved me a post.

Stop paying for the car, she brings nothing to the table and when asked to, she refuses.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:09

@JassyRadlett

Some of these posts! ‘If my adult child made a commitment and then reneged on it, I would buy her a bottle of champagne and apologise for having the temerity to ask a favour.’

I mean this explains the attitude of some of the grads we get at work. Some of them get a pretty sharp shock about exactly how much the world revolves around them and how much they’ll be nursemaided.

Yeah I actually am a bit worried about that if I'm honest. I'm hoping it's a stage if they exist for adult children as she was always a very self reliant helpful cheery younger teen.
OP posts: