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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:

ladyvimes · 29/07/2021 20:34

I think she is being extremely selfish. It sounds like you’ve given her an awful lot and it’s not exactly a massive ask. I definitely would have done it at 22 (in fact I did when I was 18 and my brother was 16)! I would be rethinking what favours you do for her in the future. She sounds like a spoiled brat!

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 29/07/2021 20:38

@Omronron

My friend lives a few miles away and I'll give her the heads up. My nearest neighbour is lovely but in her 80s!

So what’s all the fuss about 😅

Original poster

Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:41

The fuss is because I asked dd to stay at home for a night so that dh could really enjoy our weekend away without the nagging worry that noone is in our house, surrounded by moors and miles from anywhere without being able to drive somewhere of they needed to. She said she would and has now changed her mind.

OP posts:

Alreadyexhausted · 29/07/2021 20:43

Although I can understand why you are dissapointed in your daughter, it seems overkill to have someone around for an 18 and 15yo. Even rurally- if it's a real emergency call an ambulance/police etc.

My parents went abroad for a weekend when I was 14yo and left me in charge of the house. My 16yo brother was far less mature than me. That's with getting myself to school too.

Her attitude is a different matter. Discuss expectations with her and what you are funding separately to this incident. She's a 22yo adult.

Original poster

Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:44

My parents went abroad for a weekend when I was 14yo and left me in charge of the house. My 16yo brother was far less mature than me. That's with getting myself to school too

Presumably you could get public transport or walk to school in which case you weren't hugely isolated.

OP posts:

SealHouse · 29/07/2021 20:47

Quite staggered at her selfishness. She's 22, she's an actual adult! I understand that she's still in education, but my goodness doesn't she feel very entitled to her privileges. Still living at home at 22 (presumably rent-free), free car provided, money to do a lot of socialising (does she have a part-time job?). At 22 I was living independently in another country earning my own living. No wonder there are so many selfish, entitled adults around today - perhaps they are being spoiled rotten at home.
OP go and enjoy your weekend away - the 15 and 18 year olds will be fine. But I understand why you are upset, especially given the year you've had which she is aware of. I'd be so disappointed in her and asking myself where I went wrong.

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 20:49

Also why do you live in such a remote place?!?! That must be hell for the young folk.

Ha, and here’s me feeling guilty that my kids won’t know the many brilliant aspects of living in a very rural place! We were about an hour from our nearest neighbours and a couple of hours from the nearest town.

But then there was work to be done. It’s really rare that living that rurally doesn’t involve higher levels of upkeep or work, and we all pitched it pretty much from toddlerhood.

It wasn’t hell at all. Different from an urban life, sure, and I live a suburban life now which is probably the best compromise for me and my family. And it was certainly harder work and a greater contribution to the family than my kids will probably ever need to do.

But I miss it, and I find it so strange and sad that my kids won’t know that life.

sausagepastapot · 29/07/2021 20:50

YANBU. I see this as, you have asked her to do something very minor to help keep your mind at rest, not take sole responsibility of her siblings.

To me, its the fact that she doesn't give a shit that is problematic- I think she should do whatever she can to help you have a relaxing weekend without worrying. THAT'S what's unreasonable, in my opinion.

It just shows that she doesn't give a fuck if you're able to relax and enjoy your break or not. And I think thats just a shitty, selfish attitude to have. Especially as she originally did agree to it.

RiverSkater · 29/07/2021 20:50

She agreed to do something that would give you peace of mind and has let you down. YANBU.

Rethink paying for her car, she takes you for granted.

Billybagpuss · 29/07/2021 20:51

I don’t think she ever had any intention of helping out.

Very selfish, they do grow out of it.

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 20:51

I feel like half this thread haven’t read a newspaper recently or read any threads about ambulance waiting times - or the fact they won’t come out for some issues at all because they’ve been cut to the bone.

GoWalkabout · 29/07/2021 20:53

Dh should tell her how pissed off he is and you should tell her that you are reevaluating the things you do for her, not because she refused, but because of the disrespectful way she approached it and because she said yes and then prioritised the later invite. Thrash it out. But I don't think she needs to be there.

cabingirl · 29/07/2021 20:55

I don't understand the hard time you are getting on here - people seem so caught up in the details of where you live etc.

The issue is your daughter was asked to contribute her time to a family need - to help her parents and her siblings - on a one-off situation according to the OP - this isn't a big sister who is stuck with unpaid childcare and being a taxi service to her brothers on a regular basis.

When you live at home as part of a family you are part of a team - in teams there is give and take. I would want my Mum to have a lovely stress free break in this situation and would be doing everything I could to help make it happen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2021 20:56

@Alreadyexhausted

Although I can understand why you are dissapointed in your daughter, it seems overkill to have someone around for an 18 and 15yo. Even rurally- if it's a real emergency call an ambulance/police etc.

My parents went abroad for a weekend when I was 14yo and left me in charge of the house. My 16yo brother was far less mature than me. That's with getting myself to school too.

Her attitude is a different matter. Discuss expectations with her and what you are funding separately to this incident. She's a 22yo adult.

Alreadyexhausted Children of those sort of ages were left more frequently in the past. My parents went abroad for a lot longer than a couple of days when brother and I were the same ages as you. Had to sort myself out as well. Brother in charge though as the male despite being very immature. Semi rural location. Things didn’t go well. Didn’t occur to me to go to get help from nearest neighbour when the house was being trashed by his out of control party or after I talked one of the boys out of raping me.

Just because you were fine, doesn’t mean all will deffo be ok.

Brefugee · 29/07/2021 20:57

we live really rurally too and while i think a full fridge is ok for 24 hours for a 15 and 18 year old, and assuming you/they have phones, they will be fine.

However. The deal with us is a bit of quid pro quo with the car. If you get your car paid for, there will be times when you have to be there to do family stuff and it would have to be something extremely spectacular to get you out of your side of the deal.

So in this case i would be reminding the older DD of this, and saying that when DSs licence comes through they'll be sharing and it will be staying where you are. Obvs if you haven't had this kind of deal you're going to have to find a better solution. I'd be seriously rethinking her contribution to a) the costs of the car and b) family life

Alreadyexhausted · 29/07/2021 20:57

@omronron yes, but do they need to leave the house unless it's an emergency? I get the transport issue. You are going to keep coming up against this issue if she's off to university.

I say this as someone who spent my twenties supporting an unwell and terminally ill parent. Treat her like an adult if you want her to act like one - e.g. she sorts her own car out- again I wouldn't link it to this incident as it seems like you are punishing her - treating her like a child. Take the high road. She might surprise you. If not, you know where you are with her!

armanted · 29/07/2021 20:58

What a selfish, uncaring, unloving way to treat her parents. Whether or not her siblings will be ok is beside the point, she's buggered up your weekend and couldn't care less. I feel sad for you OP.

Original poster

Omronron · 29/07/2021 20:59

Well, they might have wanted to leave the house to be fair. I know Ds15 was hoping to see a friend for a couple of hours.

When dd goes back to uni ds18 has a gap year job in a boarding school and Ds15 goes to boarding school weekly.

OP posts:

Alreadyexhausted · 29/07/2021 21:02

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm sorry that happened to you it sounds awful.

8monthsinandcranky · 29/07/2021 21:02

RE the car situation please ignore people suggesting you’re ‘retaliating’ by taking it off DD or asking her to buy it from you.

You have 3 children! You had finances in place to purchase a car for your DD when she passed her test but no longer do for your DS’s. You cannot buy one child a car and not the other two that would be massive favouritism. As soon as DS’s pass their tests DD shouldn’t have a car they don’t

You need to make it clear the car isn’t hers to take to uni unless she buys it. If you’re feeling generous you could let her buy it for 2/3 of the current retail price then give your DS’s their 1/3 share each towards a car for themselves. That way it’s all equal!

Hankunamatata · 29/07/2021 21:04

Could ds15 board for the weekend?

HTH1 · 29/07/2021 21:04

If your DC all go to uni or boarding school, you must have an enormous amount of alone time with DH. Why do you need to go away together without the DC when you do see them?

Hugoslavia · 29/07/2021 21:04

Can you trust the 18 year old to look after the 15 year old? That would be my main issue. If not I would insist that DS stays.

Hankunamatata · 29/07/2021 21:04

I wonder how much car insurance will go up if she is keeping it in the city?

Original poster

Omronron · 29/07/2021 21:06

@HTH1

If your DC all go to uni or boarding school, you must have an enormous amount of alone time with DH. Why do you need to go away together without the DC when you do see them?

This is the first year of boarding school for ds15. He was at state school with ds18 previously.

We have a very seasonal business so can't go away except for the summer, fwiw.

OP posts:

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