Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
bathorshower · 29/07/2021 19:36

I think her behaviour is really poor. To put it into perspective, when I was 21 my parents went overseas for 3 weeks (yes, weeks, not nights), carefully timed for my Easter holidays. They left me with two siblings, the younger was 14. I was expected to look after them during that time.

They supported me generously at university, and thought this was an entirely reasonable request (I agree). I still remember signing detention slips....

senua · 29/07/2021 19:36

Can't the younger two go on sleepovers somewhere. That's probably more fun than being stuck at home with siblings.
Or is there livestock that needs looking after. Although DD1 can still do that.

AdriannaP · 29/07/2021 19:36

YABU a 18 and 15 year old should be able to survive being alone for less than 24 hours! (Even in a rural location!) surely you can get food in before you leave.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/07/2021 19:37

She sounds like a selfish twat, to be honest. Time for a bit of tough love.

You pay your her car, I"m assuming you don't charge her rent. Could being around for a single Saturday night be that difficult?

Time for things to change. She's an adult now.

alexdgr8 · 29/07/2021 19:37

maybe you baby all of them too much.
there is no need of going to shops over a weekend.
any real emergency they can call friends' parents, or 999.
as for madam, you have financed her to be selfish and self-indulgent.
go enjoy your weekend.
and when back, reconsider.
good luck.

AlmostSummer21 · 29/07/2021 19:39

My friend lives very rurally too - 15/20 minute drive to the nearest neighbour type rural...

I get it

However, I still don't think you need someone there, with a car, for a weekend!

To be honest, the younger two probably won't notice you're not there, as long as there's plenty of food in!!

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 19:39

They supported me generously at university, and thought this was an entirely reasonable request (I agree). I still remember signing detention slips....

I had this once with my 14yo brother!

Also had a memorable one when he was on school camp and I wasn’t supposed to have to worry about him. But there was a cyclone further north and massive storms and floods on the island where they were having the camp, they had to be rescued by the army and they couldn’t get coaches to bring them home so I had to drive up and collect him and one of his mates from the army base.

My parents were at a conference on an island four hours away on the other side of the cyclone enjoying similar conditions.

He maintains it was the best school camp ever.

MrsTophamHat · 29/07/2021 19:40

YA both BU

It wouldn't have killed her to have one weekend where she helped you out and gave you the reassurance while you had a rare weekend away.

However, i think you are being OTT about the car issue. I can't think of anything that couldn't be stocked up on to last a weekend, or what emergencies might befall them where a car would be necessary.

GettingItOutThere · 29/07/2021 19:41

i think your DD is being incredibly unreasonable and quite honestly selfish! I would be fuming too.

you pay for her car, let her live (assume)? rent free, you asked for 1 weekend and she agreed then jiubbed it off

i would stop paying for the car immediately

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 19:41

(And my parents didn’t even fund me a car. I’d drop them at the airport and get their car while they were away, giving me a nice time off from public transport.)

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 19:43

I think she is being selfish as it’s literally one weekend that she has to stay in.
That being said it’s only one evening she’s going for and o doubt they’ll be any emergencies so I wouldn’t bother wasting your energy getting mad with her over it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/07/2021 19:44

Ah, can't you remember what it's like to be 22 and living the most carefree years of your life, with no responsibilities? I've got wonderful happy memories of that time. To be honest, I wouldn't have relished being asked to have responsibilities for siblings at that age if an invitation to a party came up. Especially after the shit of the last 18 months. Can't you ask a neighbour or family friend to just keep an eye/ear out for the younger ones? A party invitation is a biggie at that age. YOu don't know what she's got going on.

If she were being irresponsible towards her OWN children and shirking her duties, then, that would be a different matter altogether..
I would be writing a very different post.......

Candyfloss99 · 29/07/2021 19:45

You stay at home if it's so important they have a car. It's massively unfair to burden a child with caring for their brothers and sisters.

DGFB · 29/07/2021 19:46

Yanbu, you asked her in advance and she agreed, now she’s changed the plan. It’s not that they won’t be fine, it’s that your 22yo is at living home with free food and a car and won’t do this for you

Paddling654 · 29/07/2021 19:47

It's a tricky one.

It would be kind of her and seems selfish of her not to help. But how far are we obliged to be kind to each other?

I think I would say, 'I understand you're an adult and can do what you like. I feel it's worth saying that I'm disappointed you aren't going to stick around after committing to it. You're old enough to know what it meant to be. It just would have been kind and I guess I'm hurt. I'll get over it, but there it is.'

She'll say you're guilt tripping her but if you genuinely treat her exactly the same, she might come to see you're doing her favour keeping communication open and reflecting back to her how her choices have affected you.

Paddling654 · 29/07/2021 19:48

me

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 29/07/2021 19:50

YABU
You pushed her into agreeing and are mad when she changed her mind. She should have just said no in the first place but I bet she has changed her mind because it was such a ridiculous thing to have expected her to do. What are the chances there will be an emergency in that precise 24 hours.

Seeing that she is going to a party instead are you seriously going to be fretting about it. That seems very extreme. If you were genuinely worried then get the other ‘kids to stay at a friends or with relatives further afield.
Do you and your husband both drink alcohol at the same time at home or does one of you always say sober in case of ‘emergencies???

Slothkin · 29/07/2021 19:50

OP as someone who grew up rurally might your daughter be annoyed by your son not having his license yet? From what you’ve mentioned about lessons etc. it doesn’t sound like it’s just a case of the actual test being pushed back because of covid. I got my license very quickly and my parents paid for my first car because it wasn’t just independence for me but them too; if the push to learn to drive had gone for siblings because ‘it’s fine Slothkin can do it’ I’d have become very fed up very fast.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:50

It would make me and dh feel happier if someone was there with a car. Dd has literally been partying since the end of May - just back from a 3 day festival. Missing this one party wouldn't have been a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:51

Last year I got kicked by a horse. Knocked out, broken arm, head injury. The ambulance said they'd be an hour and 45 mins! Dh drove me to the hospital.

OP posts:
NakedAttraction · 29/07/2021 19:52

I would expect that kind of behaviour from a teenager, but she’s 22. She needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. She needs to realise that part of being an adult is sometimes doing things you don’t want to do for the benefit of someone else.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 29/07/2021 19:53

What does your 18 year old thin of this?

Breastfeedingworries · 29/07/2021 19:53

Surely a 15 and 18 year old can be left with food. After lockdown and all the shit young people have been through, why don’t you let her run to that party! I’d go as far as sending her with champagne! You begged her and she didn’t want to. I’d apologise and trust your younger two. There’s police and ambulances for emergences.

Buy lots of easy food and snacks bread and butter pizza and enjoy your weekend! Xx

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 29/07/2021 19:53

If you bought and pay for DDs car, then it should remain with you. She doesn't need a car at university, she will end being an unpaid taxi driver for her mates. I think the car should remain with you so that DS can use it for practice and once he has passed his test so that he can then be independent. The car can then be shared by the DC who live at home so they are able to get out and about under their own steam.

Everydayimhuffling · 29/07/2021 19:53

Go anyway and I'm sure they'll all be fine, but I would definitely be letting her know how disappointed I was by her selfishness. I wouldn't tell her now, but I would also rethink funding the car for her.