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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Turtletotem · 29/07/2021 23:59

I'd be having the 'disappointed in you' chat to her and hope she feels guilty and rethinks her plans. Sounds like it wouldn't hurt her to be there as planned.

LittleBearPad · 30/07/2021 00:01

What can they need from a shop that makes this an issue?

Presumably the balance of probability is that they won’t need to go to hospital.

Manycupsoftea · 30/07/2021 00:02

The younger kids will be fine but I think she is selfish. I hate being stranded without the car even if I could survive.
Anyway I would not give her the car. If she wants a car she can pay for one herself - in which case she is free to drive herself anywhere on her schedule.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2021 00:13

@MichelleScarn

*Sillysuzie

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out

*@Omronron"We can only hope"
She is soon isn't she? I hate saying this as know as it's a mn trope...
Do you like her at all? You don't talk about her nicely at any point, I've said previously you've agreed with people calling her names, your boys are praised and you've said how wonderful and resilient they are, yet she is required to be there when you are away should they want anything?Confused

‘She is required to be there when you are away’…. That’s right, this is one weekend in what, 2 years that a 22yo supported by her parents is requested to do a simple favour. Sounds extremely moderate to me. Like I said above, the free ride on the car would be over.
Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 00:27

She's been asked to do something she doesn't want to do - once in 22 years.

I love my dd but she's being a PITA. I didn't start this thread to describe all her amazing qualities

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 30/07/2021 00:35

I live rurally and in an emergency had to drive as an ambulance would have taken longer, so I understand. Also 15 is really young.
I would tell her no more car ! She doesn’t do this one thing that she promised to do, the car ends. She can buy her own. I would be really cross OP.
Do you have a friend nearby who could be on emergency call ?

SpanielRadcliffe · 30/07/2021 00:36

I'd go ahead on the trip and not worry. Maybe leave some cash for an emergency? Although I grew up rural and you couldn't even get a taxi in an emergency without booking ahead.

In your case, I'd have double checked the timing of the weekend with the oldest to make sure she was free. If you did that and chose a weekend she agreed to, then she's being awful, sorry.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/07/2021 00:52

I get that she's irritated you by staying she'd stay home then changing her mind - but two adults on their own for 24 hours? They should be able to survive without a trip to the shops FFS.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 00:53

@ThinWomansBrain

I get that she's irritated you by staying she'd stay home then changing her mind - but two adults on their own for 24 hours? They should be able to survive without a trip to the shops FFS.
15 isn't an adult, but thanks anyway.
OP posts:
Hannsmum · 30/07/2021 00:56

I would be upset that she accepted but didn't do it.

But I don't think you need a car for an emergency.just stock up the house with enough food

Ginandplatonic · 30/07/2021 01:05

Bloody hell some people on this thread have seriously low expectations of their young adult children!

I’m with your DH - you asked her for one perfectly reasonable favour (whether other posters think it was strictly necessary is completely beside the point) and now she has backed out of a commitment she made, despite presumably knowing this would cause you stress. I would be angry and disappointed too.

You can’t force her to stay home obviously, and the other kids will undoubtedly be fine, but I would definitely be reviewing how much I did for her in future, and having a serious conversation about rights and responsibilities. And taking the car you pay for back to uni with her would be off the table for starters.

Ginandplatonic · 30/07/2021 01:09

And seriously why does everyone feel they need to tell the OP to stock the house with food - I think she can figure that out for herself and it’s completely missing the point.

crabbingbucket · 30/07/2021 01:14

We live very rurally and have no car!

TreeSmuggler · 30/07/2021 01:28

It's annoying that the ambulance was 1.5 hours away that one time you called, but I don't think we can live our lives around being 20 mins away from hospital at all times. That would mean we would never go hiking, travel to many places (as pp said even some countries), go on a boat or fly on a plane. Your dcs will be alone for less than 24 hours and as presumably they sleep in late like all teens, they will be awake and alone for under 12 hours, probably sitting in their rooms on devices.

butterry · 30/07/2021 01:35

I don’t think a car is necessary for the weekend but you have raised a selfish and entitled eldest child. If she’s living rent free and has the car paid for, she should at least honour the agreement she made with you. It’s a complete lack of respect for others with her party taking priority over other people. I would tell her how unimpressed I am with her attitude and she can pay towards the car if she continues to be so inconsiderate. She’s old enough to know better

DeflatedGinDrinker · 30/07/2021 01:36

OP YABU. If theres an emergency they can call the police/ambulance/plumber or whatever is needed, the oldest being there will not make a difference. Make sure they have food before you go. Running out of bread for 1 day and needing to go shop is not an emergency.

Namechangeforthisquestion7 · 30/07/2021 01:37

Haven't read all of the comments so apologies if repeating, do the younger two have any friends they could stay with to put your mind at rest? Or another responsible adult within driving distance who could be "on call" for the two of them?
I agree your eldest is being selfish to go back on her agreement, knowing your stressful circumstances and your need for a break! It's not the going out, it's the going out after agreeing to be there.
Course, you could teach her a lesson by taking the two boys away on a nice weekend break with you - she is busy that weekend and can't come!

Derbee · 30/07/2021 02:25

Life’s about five and take. The fact that she won’t do something for you (even if it’s unnecessary, it’s important to you and DH) would mean a new line drawn going forward.

There would be a discussion about her having unlimited access to a car that you pay for/maintain/insure. I would revoke the car privileges and tell her to make her own plans. I know my DP is softer though, which is where a compromise would be found.

But I’d be angry if I were you guys. It’s disappointing for adult DC’s to be so unwilling to do something for their parents who are still doing so much for them

Derbee · 30/07/2021 02:25

*give and take

avamiah · 30/07/2021 02:47

It’s not the end of the world is it?
Just get lots of food in and leave them with some emergency money .
It’s not like you live in Alaska is it.
Just relax and I’m sure everything will be fine.

MiddleParking · 30/07/2021 06:09

Yes the foresight was to ask dd to be there

To be the designated driver.

Bumblecattabbybee · 30/07/2021 06:15

You are being unreasonable. An 18 and 15 year old who can't react in an emergency without a car/make it to the shop for food on foot, or by public transport, shouldn't be left alone. A car not necessary and many people cope just fine without one! If my parents when away when I was a teen we simply did a big food shop beforehand, didn't even need to go out for food. Surely that would be the logical solution rather than making your daughter wait around in case she is needed as taxi service?

BritWifeInUSA · 30/07/2021 06:21

Why the obsession with them not being able to “pop to a shop”? If you’ve always lived “very rural” then you are accustomed to not being able to “just pop out” for something and you plan and manage accordingly.

We probably live even more rurally - nearest place to buy groceries of any sort is a small shop almost 25 miles away, rural GP is 45 miles away and nearest town (cinema, restaurants, hospital, full-service medical center, etc) is over 70 miles away. If I run out of milk I make do. But it’s rare that I do. We have 4 freezers. We have a large pantry and have dry goods delivered in bulk. I shop for fresh things every other week and freeze stuff, can, vacuum pack, etc. I make our bread etc from scratch. I’ve never thought “oh I need to pop to a shop to get xyz”. Why would they suddenly need to buy something in the less-than-24-hour period that the one who can drive is away?

SusieQ5604 · 30/07/2021 06:30

Having the car is not really the point. She agreed to do it then reneged. THAT's the point. Why let her agree to things, have someone rely on her and then have her think it's ok to back out? ESPECIALLY if parents are providing the car. I'd take the car keys and she'd have to find other transportation to the party for that particular weekend.

Namechanger0800 · 30/07/2021 06:43

I get why you're pissed off - you ask for one favour from an adult child and they can't do one thing despite everything you've done. The selfishness would really piss me off and I would stop paying for the car. If she can't use the car to help you out once in a blue moon then she can fund the thing herself
From this point.

Sadly this sounds just like the sort of thing my eldest would do- the sulking is because she knows she's wrong