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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
FunTimes2020 · 29/07/2021 22:48

@GravityFalls

You can’t really expect her to plan her life around you and her brothers. I would imagine if you live rurally, surely the 18yo has friends with cars in an emergency and they will both have friends with parents they could contact if need be. Country kids usually do find ways of getting around and are usually prepared to walk/cycle long distances if they have to!
Hmm
Sillysuzie · 29/07/2021 22:48

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out

peboh · 29/07/2021 22:49

Yabu. I think at the ages of your other dc, they're perfectly capable. Just ensure they have emergency cash if they need to get out anywhere. If you're worried about an emergency then that's on you and dad to sort out, not your dd.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/07/2021 22:51

@Sillysuzie

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out
And how would you be paying for that?
SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2021 22:52

@Sillysuzie

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out
Yes im sure she's going to suddenly start funding her own part-time accomodation, buy her own food etc because her Mom asked her to stop in ONE NIGHT 🤣
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/07/2021 22:52

Need to have a think about the car. She's expecting to take it to uni. Ds is working away for his gap year working in a school but could do with the car for lessons in the holidays

Please can I come at live at your house?

You really are raising some snowflakes. Sorry.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2021 22:53

@peboh

Yabu. I think at the ages of your other dc, they're perfectly capable. Just ensure they have emergency cash if they need to get out anywhere. If you're worried about an emergency then that's on you and dad to sort out, not your dd.
Money for a taxi is only useful if you can reasonably get one. If you can't, you're still stuck
WimpoleHat · 29/07/2021 22:54

I think at the ages of your other dc, they're perfectly capable.

It’s not about their capability, though - it’s about the fact that they are somewhere remote and don’t have access to transport. OP has asked her DD, who has access to the other car paid for by the family, to make herself and that car available so that everyone in the family does have access to transport. It’s not really about her babysitting, it’s about the car. And If she is happy to renege on her promise to make the car available for the family, I don’t think I’d happily fork out for the car to be available to her on an ongoing basis. Sure - everyone can fend for themselves. Including the DD….

ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 22:56

“Babyroobs
YABU. Many people live rurally and don't have access to a car at all. In the very rare case of a real emergency they would need to call a taxi or ambulance.“

OP said,
“ We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away. ”

k1233 · 29/07/2021 22:58

Growing up relatively remotely myself, I get you're coming from. Things happen and it's quicker to drive the 1.5 hrs to the hospital then wait over an hour for the ambulance.

As your circumstances have changed and you can't get all kids their own car, I'd be giving the car to the 18yo. DD has had it for a couple of years (assuming she got it once licensed), so DS 18 can have it for a couple of years before it goes to the last DS. Your DD is old enough to buy her own car if she wants one.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 22:58

@MiddleParking

How is it a weird thing to ask? Asking family to help out?

I think it’s really weird to ask someone to miss a party so that your teenage kids don’t have to be in a house without a driver for one night. Even a rural house. Particularly because, as have others have said, she’s unlikely to be able to help much in an emergency situation (and she’s as likely as either of the other two to be the source of whatever the emergency might be), and in a non-emergency situation with a bit of foresight applied a 15 year old and an 18 year old shouldn’t even notice one night without a designated driver.

Yes the foresight was to ask dd to be there
OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 22:59

@Sillysuzie

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out
We can only hope
OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 23:05

OP, looking back at myself at her age, she may be feeling at a bit of a loss and things may not be all ok with her. The thoughtless selfishness might be a symptom.

Not that that changes your dilemma, or the need for her to grow up and be more responsible but who knows what is happening with her.

Smallkeys · 29/07/2021 23:10

To add my two pence . I think you have every right to be angry/disappointed that a promise was made and now renegaded on due to a party. Unfortunately young folk are by definition often selfish as am sure we all were at that age.

As others have said though I think the older siblings will be fine so I would enjoy your night away. Shopping is a mute point there is nothing they can’t do without for 24 hrs . Emergency I do get are there any neighbours with a car that can be on stand by ?

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2021 23:13

*Sillysuzie

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out

@Omronron"We can only hope"*
She is soon isn't she? I hate saying this as know as it's a mn trope...
Do you like her at all? You don't talk about her nicely at any point, I've said previously you've agreed with people calling her names, your boys are praised and you've said how wonderful and resilient they are, yet she is required to be there when you are away should they want anything?Confused

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 29/07/2021 23:18

@WimpoleHat

I think at the ages of your other dc, they're perfectly capable.

It’s not about their capability, though - it’s about the fact that they are somewhere remote and don’t have access to transport. OP has asked her DD, who has access to the other car paid for by the family, to make herself and that car available so that everyone in the family does have access to transport. It’s not really about her babysitting, it’s about the car. And If she is happy to renege on her promise to make the car available for the family, I don’t think I’d happily fork out for the car to be available to her on an ongoing basis. Sure - everyone can fend for themselves. Including the DD….

I’ve changed my vote, as I initially saw ‘older sibling expected to take care of younger siblings’

It’s not that situation. It’s asking consideration for one weekend. Yes, your DC will be fine for your break as long as there is plenty of food, they are old enough to be ok.

But if you’re paying for her car, it should be available for family use. Dd agreed for ONE weekend then changed her mind. I’d be looking very closely at how much you’re funding her ‘student’ lifestyle, and if, with your business worries, you can afford to fund the others in the same way. If not, DD needs to start paying her own way.

I completely understand the rural aspect btw! We are rural, but ironically fairly close to a tiny but massively popular tourist town. Buses are twice a week, and the 3 taxi companies are booked solid this time of year! My nearest A&E is now 1 hour away on a good day. Luckily I do have neighbours within a reasonable distance (2 miles)

AliMonkey · 29/07/2021 23:19

I would also be cross with her (less so if this was her first party for months). Yes, the 15 and 18 year old should be fine (though I can't see my 14 year old being so in a year's time in same situation) but I too would feel more comfortable if 22 year old was there too and so I can see how it could make your weekend not as enjoyable.

However when I get concerned about my kids, I remind myself that at age of 15 I used to go on my own on three trains and a bus to visit my sister at uni 200 miles away and we didn't have mobiles. Now it is so easy to be in contact with each other by mobile, I know I really shoudn't worry. But it's hard not to.

But definitely don't let her take the car to uni, sounds like it's needed more at home and it's not hers.

thegcatsmother · 29/07/2021 23:20

Do you like her at all As I told my ds often when he was being bratty, I always loved him, but I didn't like him very much at that particular moment.

There are times when you dislike your kids; it's natural. I'm 55, and my Mum doesn't like me very much at times and tells me so.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 29/07/2021 23:28

Actually, given that you pay for the oldest DD's car and this is one weekend, I would be really annoyed with her selfish attitude too. I'd rethink any financial support and certainly would not let her take the car. Fair enough, you cannot force her to stay that weekend but then, she has to accept consequences for being a bit of a selfish brat.

LovePoppy · 29/07/2021 23:39

So…you want her to sit around wasting a weekend invade her younger siblings have a craving??

Shows how important her wants are.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 29/07/2021 23:39

How remote are you? Sorry if I missed that bit.

I really wouldn't panic - do you have a friend nearby in case of dire emergency? At least your dd told you now. Could have said yes then buggered off. I think it's a little unfair of you - you're off on a jolly and she's not the parent.

Plus I left mine remotely much earlier - apparently ds did the 6 mile trip on a push bike to Tesco for pizza because he didn' t want the food we left. No-one delivers out here.

What emergency do you think will come up in a 24 hour slot?? I overthink and am the stressiest mum ever but can't worry about this.

FortniteBoysMum · 29/07/2021 23:42

So long as the house is stocked up should be fine. Point out to your husband if dd was at home and in the unlikely event there was an emergency who's to say it would not be her who was injured. In which case they would need to call 999 anyway. So long as they have a working phone it's fine. Many people do not drive they still survive in an emergency.

StormzyinaTCup · 29/07/2021 23:49

YANBU - you have generously paid for a car for your DD which has meant she can get out and about and see her friends at the weekends, get to and from uni etc.

You have had a difficult couple of years trying to keep your business going, the same business that enables your DD to have said car. You have planned a rare weekend away, so I think DD needs to put her social life on hold for just one weekend to be available for younger siblings should an emergency come up so that her mum and dad can take a well needed break and unwind.

For me this isn't about the younger siblings being on their own as they are old enough and I'm sure everything will be fine anyway, but it's about going back on what was agreed because something much better has come along.

I have two DC 18 & 21 and if I was you OP I would be rethinking the car situation or at the very least pointing out how fortunate she is to have a car bought for her and how different her social life would be without it. I don't think it's a big ask for her to make herself available for just one weekend.

UrAWizHarry · 29/07/2021 23:49

An 18 and a 15 year old can cope perfectly fine for 1 night. Get a grip.

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 29/07/2021 23:54

We live rurally and I don't drive. I've been learning but we currently can't afford to run two cars anyway and both travel into the same city for uni/work. It's currently the summer hols and I'm home five days a week without a car and with 2 DC. I cope fine. If we needed to get somewhere I'd call a taxi or arrange for DH to drop us at the station on his way to work. We get food shopping delivered anyway as it's such a trek (an hour) to the supermarket.

I'm sure your children will be fine. I think you are really overthinking this!