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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 29/07/2021 22:07

An ambulance contains paramedics who can start delivering care the minute they arrive. That's better in an emergency than a Ford Fiesta driven by a panicked 22 yr old.

I think it's fair enough to be pissed off that she hasn't kept her word, but the idea that a 22 yr old with a car is essential because of emergencies is pretty ridiculous.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2021 22:08

She doesn’t have to be the default parent. You and your H are the parents.

She’s a very young woman who wants to go to a party, having been squashed by a global pandemic for really rather a long time.

I think you were unreasonable to demand this of her.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/07/2021 22:11

@AtrociousCircumstance

She doesn’t have to be the default parent. You and your H are the parents.

She’s a very young woman who wants to go to a party, having been squashed by a global pandemic for really rather a long time.

I think you were unreasonable to demand this of her.

Did you miss the post where the OP said this woman partied throughout the pandemic and has been at parties for the past 6 weekends and also has just returned from a music festival? Did you miss those posts??

Are you sure you want to stand by your opinion??? Or are you the Op's daughter??

MiddleParking · 29/07/2021 22:13

I’m a bit on the fence here because I think it was a slightly weird and unfair thing to ask her to do and it’s a bit misleading to say that she ‘said yes then went back on it’ because it wasn’t like she happily agreed in the first place, probably because she also thought it was a weird and unfair thing to ask her to do. Also, I grew up quite rurally (not even anywhere near as rural as your house sounds) and my parents absolutely saw buying and running cars for us when we were old enough as part of the cost to them of choosing to live there, and I agree with them that it was. But then the other part of me thinks, hmm, I’m thinking about when I was 17 or 18 myself - I think by 22 you should be more into ‘proper adult’ mode, which is more like: buying and paying for your own car, and doing favours for your parents (even if the favours they want are a bit batshit) because you feel a sense of reciprocal love/care and responsibility towards them. I’d certainly made that transition by that age. I don’t think being at uni is particularly conducive to that though.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2021 22:14

🤣 Invested much?

Yes I did miss them! I still think she shouldn’t be pressurised into doing this though. The parents are all: “we can’t go and enjoy ourselves unless you do this for us!” And it’s not true.

FatJan · 29/07/2021 22:15

Is it possible she realises how fussy you’re being? A 15 and an 18 year old (adult) alone in a (fully stocked) house from when she leaves (sat afternoon) until she returns (sun afternoon) i.e. a grand total of … dun dun dunnn… 24 hours.

Guessing your children have never done DofE 😂 3 night camping in the middle of nowhere by themselves… you’d be behind a hedge with a packet of rusks and a warm flannel.

ozymandiusking · 29/07/2021 22:17

I was married with a family at the age of 22. And I'm sorry to say, but I think she is a spoilt brat.
Just one week end and she has to go to a party, I'm sure she must have been to lots of parties whilst away at university, could she not have given this one a miss.
She should have been happy to help her parents, and would it not have been nice for the three to spend some time together.
It's time she grew up.

FromageRay · 29/07/2021 22:20

@Fitschkels

I think it’s really selfish to let you down when she said she’d do it, and she would not be getting another penny from me for the car.
I agree that she has been selfish but you can't just impose conditions on the car when it suits.
Moulesvinrouge1 · 29/07/2021 22:21

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

An ambulance contains paramedics who can start delivering care the minute they arrive. That's better in an emergency than a Ford Fiesta driven by a panicked 22 yr old.

I think it's fair enough to be pissed off that she hasn't kept her word, but the idea that a 22 yr old with a car is essential because of emergencies is pretty ridiculous.

I think we are all assuming a fair bit, as we are all wont to do, about the maturity levels of all the kids / adults involved. At 22 I would have been perfectly capable of driving a car under pressure, having been driving all over the country for years. But my friends 18 year old son would probably not have been very sensible if left alone in the house for the weekend. It’s more about their stage rather than their age I guess.
Gilly12345 · 29/07/2021 22:21

Shame on her for letting you down, however stock up on food and leave money in case of emergency, hopefully you are not going too far away for the weekend in case there is a problem.

Personally I would of invited the two youngest to come away as well as the break would of been nice for them as well.

Your oldest unfortunately is selfish and only thinks of herself.

WildSwimming101 · 29/07/2021 22:24

@Omronron

Yes they'll be fine. I'm just feeling a bit sad that she didn't want to help us have a nice time. She is sulking now and I'm not sure why as she's off the hook and free to party.
She's sulking because she feels guilty or she feels far too put upon.

I don't think she realises her privilege!

user1496146479 · 29/07/2021 22:26

@MiddleParking

I’m a bit on the fence here because I think it was a slightly weird and unfair thing to ask her to do and it’s a bit misleading to say that she ‘said yes then went back on it’ because it wasn’t like she happily agreed in the first place, probably because she also thought it was a weird and unfair thing to ask her to do. Also, I grew up quite rurally (not even anywhere near as rural as your house sounds) and my parents absolutely saw buying and running cars for us when we were old enough as part of the cost to them of choosing to live there, and I agree with them that it was. But then the other part of me thinks, hmm, I’m thinking about when I was 17 or 18 myself - I think by 22 you should be more into ‘proper adult’ mode, which is more like: buying and paying for your own car, and doing favours for your parents (even if the favours they want are a bit batshit) because you feel a sense of reciprocal love/care and responsibility towards them. I’d certainly made that transition by that age. I don’t think being at uni is particularly conducive to that though.
How is it a weird thing to ask? Asking family to help out?
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2021 22:28

Yes it’s weird in the sense that it’s smothering to suggest the transaction: we cannot go away and enjoy ourselves unless you act as our stand in. You have to do this otherwise we are thwarted.

It’s too loaded. It’s cloying and it puts the DD in a role she doesn’t want.

ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 22:31

“No - She's being selfish and unhelpful.”

Especially as this is not apparently, say, an engagement party/ something very important etc planned long in advance.

user1471505494 · 29/07/2021 22:36

Hope your selfish daughter is going to be happy paying for her car from now on

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2021 22:37

Wow.

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2021 22:38

Yes to be fair the boys are really easy and very self reliant
Dd always used to be but she's been really difficult this year. She picks fault in absolutely everything I do

They're not really self reliant if they can't manage without her for an overnight. Are you making it clear to her that you find them easy and her not, yet still want her to be the responsible one over this weekend in case the boys need anything?

thegcatsmother · 29/07/2021 22:38

It's massively unfair to burden a child with caring for their brothers and sisters. As someone said up thread, 22 is NOT a child fgs. I was married at that age; others have kids of their own by then.

I would be having a radical re-evaluation of everything I did/paid for in this instance.

Asking for one night of her time isn't an imposition. If it were me, the car keys just might go away for the weekend too.

ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 22:38

“FatJan
Guessing your children have never done DofE 😂 3 night camping in the middle of nowhere by themselves… you’d be behind a hedge with a packet of rusks and a warm flannel.“

………..and wouldn’t there also be a teacher or some sort of leader on hand or contactable not far away for emergencies?

OP, if they needed a taxi or ambulance could it get there soon enough in the unlikely event of an emergency?

Are there any neighbours reasonably close by they could call?

Could they walk to a bus stop to go to a town for extra food? This shouldn’t be needed though as you will have stocked up.

missnofilternofuxgiven · 29/07/2021 22:39

Look I understand we worry about our children no matter what their age, but sorry no I don't think your daughter should be staying...just in case! Like so many have said, if there was an emergency, there's emergency services, police, fire ambos etc, or leave money for taxi services, as for shops? Stock up before you leave, they are old enough to survive, if the other 2 were much younger I'd feel a little different! Enjoy your holiday, don't ruin it by stressing out

OldMamaOf3 · 29/07/2021 22:39

She's gone back on her word, she was reluctant to do it so probably really didn't want to commit to it in the first place.
Don't mention it to her anymore, go off and do your thing and leave the other 2 with 'emergency money'. A little bit of responsibility will do them good. I used to leave my 3 when they were 18 14 and 12, they managed to let our 4 chickens escape out of the back into a side road and all the neighbours were chasing chooks for about 2 hours until they caught them, no one died...... 😁

Alreadyexhausted · 29/07/2021 22:43

*Alreadyexhausted

Although I can understand why you are dissapointed in your daughter, it seems overkill to have someone around for an 18 and 15yo. Even rurally- if it's a real emergency call an ambulance/police etc.

My parents went abroad for a weekend when I was 14yo and left me in charge of the house. My 16yo brother was far less mature than me. That's with getting myself to school too.

Her attitude is a different matter. Discuss expectations with her and what you are funding separately to this incident. She's a 22yo adult.

"Kindly meant, but most people would call that utter neglect and shite parenting.

Decent people do NOT abondon their children, yes children, to go on holiday.

Selfish assholes do.
A certain type of parent does."*

@billy1966

No offence taken, i was pleased my parents trusted me with the responsibility. I was perfectly capable of looking after myself. In fact i would have been miffed to have an older sibling asked to help ( even for transport) at 18yo. I was a very sensible indepedent teen though, so perhaps this is clouding ny view.

I'm nearing 40yo but I feel there is a huge change in parenting since my day. We treat teenagers and young adults like they are children or young teens.

I've also lived abroad in a country with very limited medical facilities and remote locations- so in a medical emergency you might not have any medical help to access. The risk of that emergency happening though is low. It's a risk you take. I work in healthcare so I'm well aware you could drop dead of a brain haemorrhage/ get hit by a bus and even in a hospital not be saved. Life is one big risk, this is perhaps why to me this scenario seems over the top?

ScrollingLeaves · 29/07/2021 22:43

Is it too late to extend and upgrade your trip to a fun and very luxurious place and take the boys with you?🙃

timeisnotaline · 29/07/2021 22:43

I too wouldn’t be paying for the car anymore. It would be staying home in the holidays for ds to learn on. Dd will have to buy one, she lost sight of the fact that being an adult child supported by your parents is a privilege not a right.

MiddleParking · 29/07/2021 22:46

How is it a weird thing to ask? Asking family to help out?

I think it’s really weird to ask someone to miss a party so that your teenage kids don’t have to be in a house without a driver for one night. Even a rural house. Particularly because, as have others have said, she’s unlikely to be able to help much in an emergency situation (and she’s as likely as either of the other two to be the source of whatever the emergency might be), and in a non-emergency situation with a bit of foresight applied a 15 year old and an 18 year old shouldn’t even notice one night without a designated driver.