To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

[Omronron]

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

Where is she getting the money for all the partying ? If it is from you I would be stopping that. She has really let you down and I hope you still enjoy your time away, it sounds like you have had a rough time and ask very little of her. The only good news is that she should grow out of it and get nice again. All the best.

@Hugoslavia

Can you trust the 18 year old to look after the 15 year old? That would be my main issue. If not I would insist that DS stays.

Yes to be fair the boys are really easy and very self reliant Dd always used to be but she's been really difficult this year. She picks fault in absolutely everything I do.

@DearFrutti

Personally I’d say, okay. Off you go. But you’re not taking my car. Arrange your own transport. But I’m a bitch like that

Yep, this.

yeah, I'd be taking the car with me...

Ah, can't you remember what it's like to be 22 and living the most carefree years of your life, with no responsibilities?

no because at 22 i was in the army keeping the Russians behind the Inner German Border. And if I'd agreed to stay home for a weekend, i would have done it.

So, OP, are you going to get her to buy the car off you? if she goes to uni in a city she doesn't need it anyway

I don't think she is obligated to stay around, and the car purchase is irrelevant unless you made it clear it was conditional on her being around with it when needed. I also agree that it's not necessary for her to be there. However, I still think she's being very selfish. She knows you are worried and she could alleviate that. It's a one off and she should want you to be able to relax. I'm sure she has a lot more party opportunities than you do weekends way. I'd be very disappointed if my DD wouldn't do me a favour like this.

no because at 22 i was in the army keeping the Russians behind the Inner German Border. And if I'd agreed to stay home for a weekend, i would have done it

Wow! Really? That's really fascinating

Does your middle
Chips have a friend with a car that could stay over the weekend too?

Could the 15 year old stay over at a friends and you drop them first?

Your DS’s will be fine just have many provisions in and all will be okay.

However, I think your DD is being a brat and just once she should stay home so you don’t need to worry about it.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend away.

Yes they'll be fine. I'm just feeling a bit sad that she didn't want to help us have a nice time. She is sulking now and I'm not sure why as she's off the hook and free to party.

@JassyRadlett

She said but that's what students do.

Students also have to rely on public transport, generally.

Absolutely. I think this is the crux of it - she wants you to subsidise her but as long as it is at absolutely no cost to herself. She’s either independent from the family enough to not babysit her brothers, or she’s part of the family enough to get her car subsidised. I’d stop paying for the car, she can buy it from you or figure it out another way. She’s 22!

Your dd is being very selfish, she made a commitment and should stick to it. Completely understand why you would relax more easily. However the other 2 will be fine.

I think I was a bit selfish at 22 though so I shouldn't judge her too much, hope she grows out of it soon.

@cornflakelife

Why do they need a car. Surely emergency services exist for emergencies? It's 48 hrs

As the OP has explained, she is properly rural. Yes you might accidentally do something silly and need an ambulance, but that ambulance might take 2 hours to get there.

Need to have a think about the car. She's expecting to take it to uni

And you were expecting that, having provided her with transport and - as a direct result of this - having asked her to do you a favour, she wouldn’t renege on a promise…. Sounds like a reset of expectations all round is needed….

@Omronron

Yes they'll be fine. I'm just feeling a bit sad that she didn't want to help us have a nice time. She is sulking now and I'm not sure why as she's off the hook and free to party.

Love this, she goes back on her promise then punishes you further by sulking.

@Alreadyexhausted

Although I can understand why you are dissapointed in your daughter, it seems overkill to have someone around for an 18 and 15yo. Even rurally- if it's a real emergency call an ambulance/police etc.

My parents went abroad for a weekend when I was 14yo and left me in charge of the house. My 16yo brother was far less mature than me. That's with getting myself to school too.

Her attitude is a different matter. Discuss expectations with her and what you are funding separately to this incident. She's a 22yo adult.

Kindly meant, but most people would call that utter neglect and shite parenting.

Decent people do NOT abondon their children, yes children, to go on holiday.

Selfish assholes do.
A certain type of parent does.

I'm sure they'll be fine at home but I would be seriously pissed off with my oldest if she reneged on an arrangement like this. I would definitely be reconsidering the balance between her privileges and responsibilities within the family.

But not until you get back- fill up the fridge, let your friend know and have a lovely weekend away OP.

@HTH1

If your DC all go to uni or boarding school, you must have an enormous amount of alone time with DH. Why do you need to go away together without the DC when you do see them?

I might point out that time alone in your house that you’ve been stuck in for 18 months isn’t quite the same as a change of scene and also - what a rude thing to say!

Unreasonable to agree and then back out. Other concerns I think are being overdramatic, as planning enough food in advance should not be an issue.

It’s annoying that she didn’t stick to her commitment but I don’t think it’s a problem really. I mean there’s really no need to have someone who can drive in the house - plenty of families don’t drive/have access to a car, and at 15 & 18 the boys don’t need someone looking after them. It all seems a bit of a non issue, except that she’s being flaky.

@Omronron

Yes they'll be fine. I'm just feeling a bit sad that she didn't want to help us have a nice time. She is sulking now and I'm not sure why as she's off the hook and free to party.

ONE NIGHT OP, just ONE NIGHT to step up.

Not a weekend. One night.

She is a disgrace.
I would be mortified for her, at 22, to be such a thoroughly unpleasant young woman.

I mean this kindly, but 22 is an adult.

You have done her NO favours.

The sulking confirms exactly the type of character she is displaying.

Doesn't give a damn about anyone, her father having got through cancer, her mother having had a serious, unpleasant accident last year, who pay for everything.🙄

If you and your husband have a OUNCE of self respect, that car will remain at home for her brother to learn to drive.

I've only read the first 100 posts but if you say your 23 yr old will be "off her head at the party" she shouldn't be driving to it and should leave the car behind.
I don't know if that has been said up to now so I'll go back and read from posts 101 onwards.

Just thought it was a reasonable observation.

@billy1966

I think we teach people how to treat us, not least our children.

I would be appalled at her being 22 and being SO reluctant to see her parents have ONE night away.

I find it utterly extraordinary that people spout such shite as they are YOUR children and she has absolutely NO responsibility towards the family she is a part of and who funds her.

It certainly explains so much of the appalling selfishness of so many people.

In your situation I would NOT argue or discuss this further, do not wind yourself up and upset yourself more than you are.

BUT, I would take those keys from her and the FREEZING wind of change would take hold.

I would definitely be reflecting with my husband as to why she is so assured in her complete selfishness and I think I would accept that obviously as parents we have contributed massively to it.

I would be making immediate amends for clearly failing her to grow up to be an adult that has an iota of appreciation for all that has been given to her.

Not EVERY 22 year old has a car at their disposal, paid for by her parents🙄

Totally agree with this! Some of the responses on here

@cansu

It seems like a load of fuss about nothing. You are away one weekend. Surely there can be a shop done for them. Why is a car necessary? If there was a medical emergency, an ambulance would be called or I assume your teens could phone a taxi??

Do you know how long it can take for an ambulance or a taxi to come to some rural areas??

A car is not essential in case of emergency. Taxis exist, and you can leave then with emergency taxi money if needed. I live rurally too, and could cope without a car for a weekend.

You don't want her there because of the car. You must want her there to look after them. Which, at 15 and 18, isn't really necessary, is it?

If looking after her siblings is expected as payment for you funding her car, that should probably be made clear to her.

I think she is selfish and maybe she should pay for her own stuff, so that she appreciates you more.