How to say no kindly?

[Vanillaaddict]

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

Uve got used to living alone tell her u cdnt go backwards to sharing again and u moved to a 2 bed to have more space for u, working from home and all that if necessary.

Simple. End of.

Ghost her 😂

If she hints, ignore the hints and talk about something else. If she asks directly, say firmly that you aren’t planning on sharing with anyone. And change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

Your plans may change. You may want/need a flat mate in the future. All/any of your lies now would come back and bite you and your friendship would certainly be over then. It would just be kicking that awkward conversation further down the road.

I would be straight. “ No I don’t want to do that”, is enough if asked directly. She will want to ask ‘why’ as she will think she can get around any reason you give. So don’t give her a reason and keep saying no. If she whines that you won’t give her a reason, just say “I don’t need to explain myself to you”. Better to put a line in the sand now if you want to have any sort of relationship with her. You won’t want a friendship with someone you feel you need to lie to. This way is kinder and gives her more respect.

Your plans may change. You may want/need a flat mate in the future. All/any of your lies now would come back and bite you and your friendship would certainly be over then. It would just be kicking that awkward conversation further down the road.

I think even if this did happen... OP would not choose this particular person to flat share given her appalling behaviour uncleanliness and disgusting habits ... I wouldn't wish that on OP again 😂 🌸

Ha I was going to suggest she take over your 1 bed place but I was beaten to it. It really sounds like living alone is going to be the only viable solution for her, if she can afford to.
As a good friend who knows her, has been kind to her & that she feels close to, have you ever sat her down & had a very frank discussion about why others find her a difficult housemate? You certainly give the impression that criticism, even when constructive, falls on deaf ears or puts her on the defensive but has it ever been spelled out to her in black and white? Do you think she's aware that other people really don't want messy housemates? Does she see her own issues?

When you take yourself into consideration, you are more able to say no! You need to think about what is best for you.

I kinda have an idea of what you mean by your friend. But you are not her minder and its seems she depended on you for acceptance. This is possible who she is and not many people will accept her.

She needs to learn abit about herself before she will do anything.

For your own interest, say no!!

Just depersonalise it:

"No, I don't want a flatmate."

Do NOT offer reasons, do NOT get drawn into debate, & do NOT offer any ameliorative words like "sorry but ...".

You are entirely reasonable to wish to live alone, & if she cannot respect that & starts hinting, you might need to reconsider your "she's not selfish but" viewpoint.

@WomanStanleyWoman

It’s harder if you are going to be moving to a two person home. Why is that?

Why does the OP need to justify having a second bedroom? She isn’t moving to a ‘two person home’ - she’s moving to a two-bedroom flat.

Bloody hell, who called Chairman Mao?

I live in a 3 bed semi, just me & the dog.
Is there a chitty I need to fill in, to obtain permission?

There was no need for the snippy response to my question to the OP, @WomanStanleyWoman**

yeah, I think it was perfectly justified. Nobody on this thread gets to tell OP how many bedrooms she's allowed before some kind of "excuse" needs to be found.

I was trying to get some context to help the OP reply to this friend.

The context is - she doesn't want to live with this friend, or anyone else. As explained in her original post.

If the OP was staying in the one-bedroom place, it would be easy for her to respond, as she could say she was really enjoying living on her own. The reply might be more complex as the OP is moving to somewhere with two bedrooms, which is presumably why she has posted asking for ideas.

There is nothing complex about it. The response is the same for a 1 bed flat as for a 2.

As the OP has really helpfully replied saying she is moving to a 2-bed place because she wants to be able to have visitors to stay over, then that is the perfect reply and what I would say to her.

@Howshouldibehave - why do you feel that OP needs to justify living in a 2-bed flat?
Whether she lives in a coal hole or a 19-bed mansion, the answer is the same: "I don't want to house share".

Her reasons don't need policing, explaining, or justifying.

In the ideal world everyone would accept us saying “No”.
We get lots of advice on how to just say “No” but very little guidance on what is likely to happen, when we do say “No”.
We can then find ourselves dealing with other people’s disappointment, shock or anger.
Suddenly the recipient of the “No” is trying to manipulate us with their mood or project feelings of guilt and shame on to us.
Very few people will say “ You are absolutely right to say no to that, I’m really sorry to have ever put you in that awkward position.”
We are paying a price for the “No”.
I think it very helpful to be prepared this upfront.
I feel this gives us two options.
One is to go for the blunt refusal, no explanation or justification, but understand that you may be unfairly punished for this. But at least you have the perspective to know, this is someone’s else’s bad behaviour and you don’t let it get to you.
A good remark at this point is “ I am very concerned by the difficulty you appear to be having in accepting and respecting boundaries.This is a serious issue that you need to address”
The other option is a more proactive tactic and works best if you know in advance what you are likely to pressured into.
You make clear and assertive statements, directly to or in the presence of the likely pressuriser.
Along the lines of “ I absolutely cannot stand people asking me to ...., it pushy beyond belief”
“ If some idiot puts me in that position, it would be relationship ending”
Sort of lays down your ground rules.
I tell my DCs that if someone makes it difficult for them to say “No” in any circumstances where they have a right to refuse, that is a big warning sign that they are being manipulated.

Very good post MidsummerMimi

Bloody hell, who called Chairman Mao?
Made me