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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to say no kindly?

163 replies

Vanillaaddict · 29/07/2021 10:21

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

OP posts:
thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 29/07/2021 11:28

I agree with a PP, definitely do not tell her it's because you want space to allow people to stay! Just say you want to live alone

icelollycraving · 29/07/2021 11:29

I think every time she mentions all of the people she’s fallen out with, say that’s why you are determined to live alone and would never share again.
Have you just listened when she tells you of all these times of falling out with flat mates? Or, would it not be kinder to actually tell her their viewpoint? Maybe that everyone has different standards and flat shares aren’t always harmonious. As all of hers have been problematic, why does she think that is? What could she do differently to have a happier home? Aside from living with you!
Her wants don’t trump yours. It’s your home.

Lunariagal · 29/07/2021 11:30

I do think you get to an age where you outgrow the concept of a house share and need your own space. I certainly did by the time I hit mid twenties. I would use this angle to explain it.

Deloresabernathy · 29/07/2021 11:30

She sounds like the sort of person who would take offence even if you said no in the nicest way possible.

So just be blunt. No, I want to live alone.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/07/2021 11:34

I would state it in a way that makes it more personal to you and not at all personal to her. Something like "Since I've been living by myself I have realised how much of a detrimental impact being in a house share had on my mental health. I'm so much happier and more relaxed now. I will never share with anyone again, not even a good friend." Then suggest to her that she might be happier and more settled if she can find a small place to rent by herself, since it's worked out so well for you.

Jasmine11 · 29/07/2021 11:38

Just say it's one bedroom plus a study/sewing room/library.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/07/2021 11:38

Could she take over your one bedroom flat?

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 29/07/2021 11:40

I'm really sorry but no.

I'm really enjoying living alone and I just can't see myself ever going back. With working from home as well, I just couldn't see it working out.

And repeat.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/07/2021 11:40

@Deloresabernathy

She sounds like the sort of person who would take offence even if you said no in the nicest way possible.

So just be blunt. No, I want to live alone.

I agree with this, she's likely to be offended by the rejection however nicely you explain yourself. Just say you want to live alone now.

On the matter of the 2 bedrooms, lots of people live alone in 2, 3, or even 4+ bedroom homes. If they want to and can afford to, why not? It sounds like the perfect set up to me.

You have your living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom, and then you have a spare room that can be used as a home office, exercise room, for storage etc and it keeps the rest of the house nice and clutter free.

TopBlogger · 29/07/2021 11:44

Apart from the untidiness she sounds like my DD!! You have to be firm and tell her even though she wont take it well. I have learned this. Messing around with words just doesnt work. People like them hate mixed messages. Be straight that you wont be sharing with anyone again and if she takes offence and doesnt speak to you, problem solved.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 11:44

Couldn't she move into the one-bed flat you're leaving?

Angeldust2810 · 29/07/2021 11:45

I would suggest not mentioning it’s for guests/visitors. She might take that as an opportunity to stay over then never leave.

Maggiesfarm · 29/07/2021 11:47

@Datingandnoideahowto

I’m sorry but I don’t want to house share with anyone. It’s nothing personal.
That.

To be honest, she would probably be better with a place of her own, even a reasonably sized studio flat. Perhaps encourage her to look on Rightmove and see what is available.

AnyOldLion · 29/07/2021 11:49

@Datingandnoideahowto

I’m sorry but I don’t want to house share with anyone. It’s nothing personal.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/07/2021 11:50

You say that she is the nicest, kindest person. Yet this is someone who continually pushes at your boundaries, won't take no for an answer and has no issues with making people feel uncomfortable as long as she gets what she wants from the situation. She doesn't sound lovely and kind to me.

Notaroadrunner · 29/07/2021 11:50

Her living arrangements (or lack of) are not your responsibility. Do you think any of her other previous house mates are currently worried about where she's going to live after her current accommodation is up? I highly doubt it. So why are you bothering about it? Don't even tell her you are moving. Unless she turns up unannounced on your doorstep regularly then there's no immediate need for her to know you've moved. She doesn't need to visit your home when you can arrange to meet up in a bar/cafe etc.

If you do feel the need to tell her then describe the flat as a one bed. The second bedroom will be your office/home gym/hobby room/dressing room/whatever you like, so no need to describe it as a bedroom if she asks how many bedrooms. And in the event she pushes to stay for a few nights just be very firm in saying that you wont be sharing accommodation again so it's not possible. You know if you let her stay for one night you will find it very hard to get her out when she plays the poor me card.

Maybe she could rent the flat you're leaving?

Original poster
Vanillaaddict · 29/07/2021 11:51

Oooh the idea of her moving into my 1-bed is genius! I don’t know why I never thought of that!!

OP posts:
Monicuddle · 29/07/2021 11:51

Is it possible for you to say “god no you drove me insane when we lived together. I love you loads and don’t want our friendship destroyed by going back to that situation”

I think that’s what I’d say. Honest without being nasty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2021 11:51

She’s looking in temporary accommodation, as in looking to be housed by the council? The answer there is you’d be mad to let her move in and mess up her chances of a secured tenancy.

Crockof · 29/07/2021 11:51

Your friendship will be more damaged if you allow her to move in.

Please don't get involved in helping her find a place because when it falls through it will be easier for her to suggest staying at yours.

Standrewsschool · 29/07/2021 11:52

Be careful saying it’s for visitors, because she will then immediately ask if she can visit!

I would say that’s it’s for an office as you will be working from home etc,

Original poster
Vanillaaddict · 29/07/2021 11:55

(The temporary accommodation she’s in at the moment is a summer let, not council property)

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/07/2021 11:58

I don't think this person sounds 'kind' at all. It sounds like she gives, but only in the full expectation of repayment at her convenience. And she's clearly lacking in self-awareness if she can't twig that the common denominator in all the failed house-shares is her.

Even if you were minded to take in a lodger or tenant, she sounds someone you'd want to avoid anyway. As PPs have said, have a line prepared ("I'm sorry but I want to live alone" or similar) and just keep repeating it. Whatever you do, don't let her stay "temporarily" because it will absolutely end up being permanent.

Is there any option of gently pointing out that she's struggling with house-shares because she's not the easiest person to live with and she isn't willing to change?

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 11:59

Ask her if she wants you to put her in touch with your landlord, but for god's sake don't be a guarantor!

AngryWhompingWillow · 29/07/2021 11:59

I don't know if you're renting @Vanillaaddict but when we had a big 4 bed ex-council house some years ago (renting privately at the time.) We had 2 kids, and ourselves. Me and DH had a bedroom, And our DC had one each. And there was a spare.

Our older DD (17 at the time,) wanted her friend (aged 21) from down south to come live with us. She had fallen out with her whole family and DD told her she could have the 4th bedroom, without even asking! I was fuming. I didn't even know her. And I didn't want a stranger in my house. And this wasn't a child, she was 21.

I pulled out a great reason for 'Sarah' not staying though. And it was a genuine one! The contract had a strict rule that we cannot have anyone over 18 staying here, who is not on the tenancy (it came under the 'no subletting' section.)

So 'awww, that's a shame DD, but 'Sarah' can't stay.' Sad

Is that an option Vanillaaddict Can you perhaps tell your old flatmate it's against da rooolz?! If you're renting, I would TOTALLY say that! Say your landlord does not allow anyone to live there unless they are on the tenancy agreement.