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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to say no kindly?

163 replies

Vanillaaddict · 29/07/2021 10:21

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

OP posts:
HarebrightCedarmoon · 29/07/2021 11:59

I'd make a joke of it, "I'd like to keep our friendship, so maybe let's not live together again!"

Viviennemary · 29/07/2021 12:00

I'd make an excuse like your sister or cousin might move in then when they don't say you need the second room as a guest room. I wouldn't say no sorry you're too untidy and hard work. Even if it's true.

AngryWhompingWillow · 29/07/2021 12:00

@Vanillaaddict

Oooh the idea of her moving into my 1-bed is genius! I don’t know why I never thought of that!!
Hmm, it's a good idea. However, I am 100% certain she will find a reason/excuse to not move into your (old) 1 bed flat. She 100% wants to live with you.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/07/2021 12:02

House sharing is a huge commitment, even if you're not in a relationship with that person. I have a few female friends I'm very close to but living with them is another matter entirely. It's not a thing I'd be prepared to risk those friendships for, unless it was a temporary measure in a time of real hardship. Any expectation to the contrary is a huge imposition, IMO, and it's not one I'd ever want to place on any friend.

You like your privacy and your space. You've been there, done that, and that phase of your life is over.

Anyone can't accept something so reasonable is not a friend.

moofolk · 29/07/2021 12:10

Just no is fine.

I have just left a house share (me, my kids, another single mum family)

It was great to start with but deteriorated for various reasons.

My friend and I have out own places now, and each live as the only adult in a single parent family, and are both really happy.

One thing we both say is that it's great that we moved out while we are still friends as sharing for a bit longer may have put paid to that.

If she is autistic and literal, she should get that.

I want to live on my own.

I love living on my own.

I love you.

I want to remain friends because I think you're brilliant.

If we live together again that may not happen.

Good luck

moofolk · 29/07/2021 12:12

Also trying to help her find somewhere, or chat and get excited with her about other possibilities might help to show that you support her and want to help her fund what's best for her (which is not living in your house).

crystaltips98 · 29/07/2021 12:12

Is there scope for her to rent the one-bed that you are moving out of?

pootleforPM · 29/07/2021 12:17

I've been here, tried to deal with it gently and it did unfortunately end up in a fall out anyway as my friend couldn't see past the 'Pootle has 2 bedrooms, I need somewhere to live and this is the perfect solution, how MEAN of her not to let me move in'. We didn't speak for 6 months.

She was in a houseshare where the landlord had given notice a few months notice as he was selling, all her housemates had found somewhere else, but she left it until the last minute and then claimed she couldn't find anywhere at all to live and would be homeless, lots of hysterics and tears. I said she could stay with me for 4 weeks to give her enough time to sort something, but when she then started planning where her furniture would go, and which furniture of mine I would have to move out of 'her' room to accomodate all her stuff, and came up with a rota of when our boyfriends would stay over I realised she had no intention of it being temporary.

I worded it that the 4 week offer was still open, but her furniture would need to go in storage and she would need to be out at the 4 week mark, and used exactly the wording others have given about preferring and being used to living on my own, not wanting to ruin our friendship etc, but she threw her toys out of the pram and called me all sorts of names to mutual friends.

As you say, she couldn't see past her need of moving in being 'greater' than my need for her not to move in. I wish you luck!

Branleuse · 29/07/2021 12:19

Tell her that sorry but no, as you find houseshares hard and promised yourself never to do another one

BorderlineHappy · 29/07/2021 12:28

At least you have knowledge of what shes like.If you feel yourself weakening remember the houseshare and what she was like.

Shes notgoing to take kindly being told no,so you might as well be as blunt as you like.

Branleuse · 29/07/2021 12:29

id also tell her that i value her friendship too much to risk it

lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2021 12:34

'Houseshares? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt! I'm loving having my own space, wouldn't go back for the world.'

Keeping it general but emphatic. Keep it about you. No room for compromise for even the loveliest ever flatmate.

She can think you're selfish all she likes but the clearer you make it that there is no spare room, never will be the quicker she'll need to move her thoughts on to looking for something else.

Meraas · 29/07/2021 12:37

YANBU at all. Is she even a friend? You don't have to tell her it's a 2 bed.

Be strong.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/07/2021 12:38

Just tell her no.
Most people prefer to live on their own eventually, if they are not coupled up.
Most people go past the point of wanting to live in a house share, as they get older.
Very few want to go backwards into sharing a place, once they have lived alone.
I don't think this is a hard one.
Tell her no.
She sounds like a nightmare.

SnoopyLights · 29/07/2021 12:41

If she does ask you to let her move in, I think you might be best to just stick to saying no, don't get into too much explaining about why.

No, I don't want to share with anyone, no not even you, no not even for a short time, no. It won't work for me, I don't want to go back to sharing with anyone, no.

Don't give her the chance to come up with 'solutions' to turn the no into a yes, and definitely don't let her come to stay, even for one night. It will be harder to say no to her if she's already in the room.

SorrentoLemons · 29/07/2021 12:45

'Sorry lovely, The other room isn't a spare room as that will also be occupied by my family who come to stay regularly, also, I really enjoy having my own space. I'll keep my ears and eyes open for you though if anything was to become available in the same area?'

Not lying and nothing she can come back with.

SeaShoreGalore · 29/07/2021 12:53

If you help her find somewhere else, it will start to become your responsibility to find her somewhere. Is it realistic that she rents your one bedroom?

HaveringWavering · 29/07/2021 12:56

Also, sounds like the two of you lived in a bigger house when you did share? So would not be the same experience anyway.

Can you tell her you are focusing on finding a partner and need the freedom of your own place to “audition” a string of Tinder dates?

HaveringWavering · 29/07/2021 12:56

Why has she not looked at living alone before- lack of income?

Twizique · 29/07/2021 13:16

could she have your old flat?

Franklyfrost · 29/07/2021 13:23

If she has difficulties understanding other people’s points of view then the kindest thing is to be very very blunt:
I really like you as a friend: these traits are great. These specific traits I struggle with: untidiness etc and so I don’t want to live with you. Be as specific as possible about the good and the bad. Explain you don’t want her to be hurt by this. Just be super clear so there is no space for misunderstanding. If you do that and she still takes offence then you’ve tried your best.

PicsInRed · 29/07/2021 13:26

@Vanillaaddict

Oooh the idea of her moving into my 1-bed is genius! I don’t know why I never thought of that!!
You cannot be serious.

Do not get directly involved in solving her problems, you'll never get out of it again.

Tbh, she isn't a friend. Real friends don't cause you to fear them knowing where you live, lest they look up the details and move in by coercion or stealth. Not a friend.

Dontwatchfootball · 29/07/2021 13:27

If she takes offence that easily she will be upset no matter what. Keep it to 'I dont want to get back into a sharing situation right now, I am enjoying my own space' and leave it at that. If she really pushes you may be to be more direct - that the way she does things is different from how you do them and living by yourself you have realized how much you value doing things your way and not having to consider others. Good luck with it.

GalaPie · 29/07/2021 13:28

I think I would try to head her off at the pass and avoid her actually asking.
Every time she mentions her accommodation problems, just say something along the lines of 'yes, that's why I'll never share again' or 'oh dear, yes, I'm very used to being on my own now and wouldn't do it again' or 'I felt like that towards the end of my sharing days, that's why I wouldn't get into it in the future'.

At least that way if she persists to the actual question you can say 'sorry, I have always made it clear haven't I, I won't be sharing again'.

Lostinthemail · 29/07/2021 13:31

@Vanillaaddict

Oooh the idea of her moving into my 1-bed is genius! I don’t know why I never thought of that!!
You know why? Because she’s an adult and her problems are not yours to fix. If she keeps hinting, ignore it, if she asks tell her you’re at a point in life where you don’t feel like house sharing.