How to say no kindly?

[Vanillaaddict]

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

How can I let her down gently?

You can't. Just let her down soon so that she knows to make other plans.

It's quite easy to just say no to someone, who is not the right fit for you. You have to be honest, and be prepared for any upset from the other person. There is no point in pussy footing around people, when you feel like escaping from them and their annoying ways. If they want reasons for your choices, it's best to be upfront about everything.

When you speak to her next, suggest the idea of her renting your one-bed.

Don't have her round to the new flat before she's settled somewhere because if she sees a second bedroom going begging you're going to have a lot of difficulty in stopping her and her "greater needs" from claiming it.

The sooner you put the idea out of her mind the better. That's the kindest way of saying no.

Could you be working from home a lot, @Vanillaaddict ?

Or your family circumstances means you need a spare room for a family member who will need to be using it at short notice - or something like that?

No, I don't want to share with anyone, no not even you, no not even for a short time, no. It won't work for me, I don't want to go back to sharing with anyone, no.

This with a few more nos thrown in. Don't give any other reason or excuse as she'll argue round them. Don't say sorry (sounds as though you regret having to say no), don't lie about the 2nd bedroom. Just keep saying no.

No, I am well past the days of house sharing and need my own space now.

No compromise.

I had this, someone hinting and hinting that they wanted to move into my house. Was more awkward as we had in fact taken in lodgers in the past.

"We're not looking for a lodger at the moment" was my reply.

It did work out better for the person in the end as they ended up getting a tenancy (I think housing association or council).

Do you really need to tell her you are moving? Maybe the best way to settle this is to go NC.

I'd want to distance myself from her, personally, but I can't bear people who drop heavy hints and refuse to recognise that I'm just not interested in doing whatever it is they're hinting about.

I'd tell her I've discovered that I really enjoy having my own space, that I need a place of my own for my mental health, or something else in that vein. Nothing personal (white lie!), but no longer interested in house-sharing.

I'd have some reasons that they spare room is unavailable, as well, whether that would be that you're using it (office, hobby room, etc.) or that someone in your family has something going on and may need the room on short notice, so you have to keep it open for them.

She may be lovely in other ways, but her annoying quirks sound very annoying. She probably does need to live on her own, since most people seem to find her an unpleasant housemate.

@Vanillaaddict

Oooh the idea of her moving into my 1-bed is genius! I don’t know why I never thought of that!!!

@PicsInRed

You cannot be serious.

Do not get directly involved in solving her problems, you'll never get out of it again.

Tbh, she isn't a friend. Real friends don't cause you to fear them knowing where you live, lest they look up the details and move in by coercion or stealth. Not a friend.

I agree. As I said earlier, she won't want the OP's old flat anyway. She wants to live with her.

The OP needs to say that it's against the terms of the tenancy to let anyone stay permanently. (IF she in renting of course.) A few people have said to say the spare room is for family and friends to stay. But as a couple of others have said, that leaves the door open for her to ask if she can stay just for a little while ... And then the OP will never get rid of her.

If the OP owns the flat, then the 'against the terms of the tenancy' suggestion is no good. Although, she could tell a wee porkie, and say she is renting it, and it IS against the terms of the tenancy for her to let anyone stay long-term...

Let us know what happens Vanillaaddict

Her situation isn't your problem to solve. You could suggest your 1 bed, but if she says no, that's got to be the end of your help. No, she can't come live with you because you love living alone. Nothing to argue with there!!

Unfortunately, even if you do the "I enjoy living alone", you'll probably get "Ooooo you'll barely see me so it'll be just like that really"

If she's SO impervious to other's feelings you'll have no choice but to be blunt in tend, so best be prepared for it

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again is a pretty big hint that she will ask to live in your spare room,

Start now, before she asks, by letting her know how much you are enjoying your solitude, and that "never again" will you consider sharing accommodation.

Make sure she knows that for you it was Hell on earth. Even if it wasn't.

Her need might be greater than yours, but that is HER responsibility and NOT yours!

You can't do it to yourself, you really can't. House sharing with someone you don't get on with pretty well is an utter nightmare. One of the first lodgers I had started off ok but got very weird and it reached a point that I dreaded coming home to my own house in case he was in. I had to ask him to leave eventually - said I needed to reclaim the house and the room. I felt bad but I couldn't take it any more!

Having a two bedroom because you want to have visitors is perfectly legitimate. I live in a house on a street full of houses and nobody asks me why I don't have more people living in my house than I do. Why do people think they have a right to question people who live in flats, but not people who live in houses?

Could you suggest she has your current flat, stress how much you have enjoyed living there, and say that in an ideal world you would have liked to stay, but unfortunately you need the extra room. If you say you are moving because you need the extra room she can't really then suggest moving into it.

AngryWhompingWillow makes a good point about not being allowed to sublet; in fact, you could make that claim even if you are buying. A friend of mine lives in a block of one-bedroom flats with a Resident's Association, and it is one of the terms of the Association that owners do not sublet; he looked into the possibility of letting a younger cousin stay with him for a few months for a study course; not allowed.
But that isn't the point. You don't want to house share. You don't have to justify yourself to her. It clearly hasn't dawned on her that so many of her house shares have come to grief, and you are the "last man standing", because she is not an easy housemate.
I don't think you can tell her this too kindly, as she won't take the hint. The short answer is "No", so is the longer answer!

@GalaPie

I think I would try to head her off at the pass and avoid her actually asking. Every time she mentions her accommodation problems, just say something along the lines of 'yes, that's why I'll never share again' or 'oh dear, yes, I'm very used to being on my own now and wouldn't do it again' or 'I felt like that towards the end of my sharing days, that's why I wouldn't get into it in the future'. At least that way if she persists to the actual question you can say 'sorry, I have always made it clear haven't I, I won't be sharing again'.

Agreed. And I also agree about not getting involved in solving her problems re accommodation. Your second bedroom is going to be a study or a gym or basically whatever use you want to put it to, really. And I'm not suggesting lying, I'm saying it's yours to decide what use you want to put it to. I worked with someone who was honestly, the best in the world in a million different ways. But she moved house more often than she had hot dinners. And it always, always, always started out well, and everything was wonderful, and within days/ weeks it would all have fallen apart. Again. So basically, steer clear of getting involved and enjoy your new home.

*Do not get directly involved in solving her problems, you'll never get out of it again.

Tbh, she isn't a friend. Real friends don't cause you to fear them knowing where you live, lest they look up the details and move in by coercion or stealth. Not a friend.*

This^

IMO your friendship has already ended. She's interested in you to sort her accommodation needs only. She's in this mess of her own making and thinks you're a convenient lifeline. Once she understands that you want to live alone, the tears, tantrums and hysterics will start.

Be brief and to the point from the start with telling her no. Otherwise she will whine and wheedle and use any method to chip away at your answer. Please do not say the spare room is for friends and family should I invite them as guests. She'll say, 'great, i'm your friend, I'll move in tomorrow.'

She remembers the house share with you last time. Do I assume correctly you did a number of favours for her such as giving lifts to places, getting groceries, loaning her a bit of cash until Friday etc etc ?

You are not her housing needs/welfare officer etc.

She's seeing you as the easy way out, solving her problems. Just say no and repeat. There's no 'gently', I'm afraid...

You have lived with her in the past and you know fully what she is like to live with. Along with this her current accommodation is temporary so you know she will ask to move in with you when this end's.
I can understand why you don't want this. If you're renting your new current place I would tell her that your landlord won't allow another person to move in.

Or better still why not say to her that you enjoy living on your own after years of sharing places and you won't share again. Why not suggest to her to look for her own 1 bed or studio apartment? I had a friend who shared for a while but the she moved into a studio apartment. She told me yes it's costs more but I have my own space.
The reality for her is that she would be better living on her own rather than shareing.

Thanks for all these replies, some really good points, I’m reading and digesting them all. It’s creepy how some of you seem to know her and me already( @ToffeeNotCoffee!)

When it comes to 'No' the less said the better. The more reasons you give, the more arguments against those reasons they'll find.

I agree with "No, I like living alone and will never share again". Rinse and repeat. It's kind of hard for someone to argue against that reason by saying "No, you don't like living alone" .

Other than putting her in touch with your landlord, I wouldn't get involved in finding her a place. Encourage her to look, but that's it. If you help her find a place and it doesn't work out for her she'll be right on your doorstep with "You told me to take it so you 'owe me'".

Keep it simple.

I prefer living alone and won't be looking for anyone to share.