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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to say no kindly?

163 replies

Vanillaaddict · 29/07/2021 10:21

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

OP posts:
PerciphonePuma · 29/07/2021 18:41

@ToffeeNotCoffee

*Do not get directly involved in solving her problems, you'll never get out of it again.

Tbh, she isn't a friend. Real friends don't cause you to fear them knowing where you live, lest they look up the details and move in by coercion or stealth. Not a friend.*

This^

IMO your friendship has already ended. She's interested in you to sort her accommodation needs only. She's in this mess of her own making and thinks you're a convenient lifeline. Once she understands that you want to live alone, the tears, tantrums and hysterics will start.

Be brief and to the point from the start with telling her no. Otherwise she will whine and wheedle and use any method to chip away at your answer. Please do not say the spare room is for friends and family should I invite them as guests. She'll say, 'great, i'm your friend, I'll move in tomorrow.'

She remembers the house share with you last time. Do I assume correctly you did a number of favours for her such as giving lifts to places, getting groceries, loaning her a bit of cash until Friday etc etc ?

You are not her housing needs/welfare officer etc.

Wow you've made an awful lot of assumptions there Hmm
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/07/2021 18:44

When it comes to 'No' the less said the better. The more reasons you give, the more arguments against those reasons they'll find

Absolutely - which is why, without being rude or unkind, it can be better to deliver a very clear no in the first place, rather than leaving room for discussion

Original poster
Vanillaaddict · 30/07/2021 00:45

Toffee did... but she was also right!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 30/07/2021 03:32

Could @PerciphonePuma be the nightmare flatmate I wonder?

avamiah · 30/07/2021 03:56

You have to just say NO and I know sometimes it’s very difficult to do but you have to look after yourself first and if you do not want to share with her again then Don’t.
Sometimes you have to be Cruel to be Kind.
It’s your decision.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 30/07/2021 08:43

@Vanillaaddict

Thank you.

Also thanks to @BarbaraofSeville.

Mummabear89 · 30/07/2021 17:35

Tell a tiny white lie and say that it stipulates in your tenancy agreement that only you and your immediate family can inhabit the property. I actually had a tenancy agreement that stipulated that the property was not to be used by anyone other than the person named on the agreement and I used to get regular visits from the landlord

Yespresh · 30/07/2021 17:46

Just say no quickly and change the subject

Elvisismycat · 30/07/2021 17:49

As the mother of an Autistic adult, my advice would be to be blunt and straight to the point. Do not be elusive as its confusing. Say what you feel and that way your friend will know where she stands and will respect that.

SynchroSwimmer · 30/07/2021 18:10

I think you need to have a barrier, a name/purpose for the room from the outset (dressing room/home office/or relatives room)....otherwise she is likely to hit a “crisis point” and ask if she can just stay for the weekend while she finds something”....knowing where that will lead.

It has to be a total non-starter for you and her. Don’t leave the door even slightly ajar...

Bard6817 · 30/07/2021 18:23

As an autistic individual - we usually prefer straight talking.

“I enjoyed our flat share time - but i want to live on my own for a bit”

if pressured for details
“living with other people requires you accept compromises and i feel like i need space to be me for a while - and it’s so much more peacefull when you live alone - i think i’m addicted.”

Ddot · 30/07/2021 18:46

Sorry but I got the flat so family can visit, plus I need the room for office stuff.

pam290358 · 30/07/2021 19:17

It’s not a spare room, it’s an office/sewing room/hobby room, so not available. In all honesty I don’t think there is a kind way to say no to someone like this - she sounds like hard work, so you’re just going to have to be firm and stick to your guns. If she takes offence, that’s her problem, not yours.

LoisLane66 · 30/07/2021 19:21

Simple. Don't tell her it's a 2 bed flat. She'll never know unless you tell her.
You could say that your reason for moving is that you prefer the area, it's nearer shops or that you prefer the layout, or there is mould or mice in your present place.
Could she afford to live where you are now?
It gets easier to say no in a kind way if you practice it.
If you give in then you will regret it and hate her untidiness and dirty ways after having your own clean bathroom and kitchen etc.
If you have been silly enough to tell her it's a 2 bed (why do that knowing she might ask?) then a kind 'I'm sorry X but I've got used to living on my own and prefer not to share any more and maybe it's time you got your own place. Tell her it's so your relatives can stay...only say that if she knows it's a 2 bed. Otherwise keep schtum.

Waveafterwaveslowlydrifting · 30/07/2021 19:22

That doesn't work for me unfortunately

FrozenWillow · 30/07/2021 19:29

Hi OP

I am a mother of 4 children, 2 who are Autistic Spectrum Different. I have 3 girls and a boy. My boy and my youngest are both ASD. The word "NO" often sends them into meltdown and boy do they meltdown Shock

So I often use deflection tactics, not flat out saying no, but saying no in a different way. The other ideas from other users here are brilliant. Just say you want to live on your own and don't want to houseshare again. As fun as it was, it's always good to move on to other opportunities.

Encourage her if she's in temp accommodation to be persistent with the local authority to house her in a more permanent location.

Balldog · 30/07/2021 19:34

Why not ask her what she’s doing about getting permanent accommodation of her own?

Robin233 · 30/07/2021 20:02

But you says she's so kind.
Being messing etc in a house share is NOT kind. It's disrespectful and maybe a bit lazy.
Stop feeling guilty.
Enjoy your space. You deserve it.

bemusedmoose · 30/07/2021 21:01

Im just not able to share right now.

Or

The other room is for family so i can't have a flatmate.

Or simply 'no thanks'.

Yes people on the spectrum do have issues understanding others perspectives but also some people just don't get they aren't perfect to be around without any spectrum issues.

My ex was a pain in the arse with his routines and ways - his were right and yours werent. Only his would flip daily and never make sense but everyone had to work around it. He was always falling out with people and he always saw it as their fault not his.

Whatever you do - do not left her in or you won't get her out!

Bertiebiscuit · 30/07/2021 21:04

Just tell her a lie - any lie ffs - you owe her nothing - tell her you've got a boyf /girlf moving in, tell her you need the room, anything you like it doesn't matter - when I can't manage just to say no, I usually just lie

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 21:18

I loathe people like this ...

they suck the joy of of everything in life.. expect everyone else to solve their problems .. to consider only their needs.. and never take responsibility for the shit they leave in their path..

Yes the flat you are leaving sounds ideal for her.. but that involves her taking responsibility for the bills cleanliness etc.. You know she will say No because living with you is so much easier ...

Stand Up for YOU OP... tell her No, that doesn't work for me.. No explanations ...

I wish you luck 🌸

SherbrookeFosterer · 30/07/2021 21:41

The person who writes that book will be very wealthy and the book will never go out of print!

In the meantime, PLEASE don't let her move into your new home, you will feel very nestbuildy and you will need your space and she will spoil the experience of moving up onto the second rung of the property ladder that you have worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes it's ok to be selfish.

KateRose · 30/07/2021 21:59

My friend had to firmly decline a very close friend of theirs, and it turned out to be the best thing ever as the (declined) friend moved back to parents and then met the love of his life.

MidsummerMimi · 30/07/2021 22:07

I would be proactive and raise it with her, before she is likely to ask you if she can move in with you.
I would say something along these lines
“Gosh Esmerelda ( or whatever her name is) I can not wait to move into my own place.
I am so over bloody flat sharing.
People are be lovely, but living with them 24/7 can be a nightmare.
I don’t what to ever again have to put up with other people’s issues in my own home.I realise that you have had your difficulties in this flat sharing act as well. As a friend my best advice to you, is get your own place”.

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 22:09

definitely what @MidsummerMimi says..

do not even agree to a few nights she will never leave 🌺