How to say no kindly?

[Vanillaaddict]

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

@WomanStanleyWoman

It’s harder if you are going to be moving to a two person home. Why is that?

Why does the OP need to justify having a second bedroom? She isn’t moving to a ‘two person home’ - she’s moving to a two-bedroom flat.

There was no need for the snippy response to my question to the OP, @WomanStanleyWoman

I was trying to get some context to help the OP reply to this friend.

If the OP was staying in the one-bedroom place, it would be easy for her to respond, as she could say she was really enjoying living on her own. The reply might be more complex as the OP is moving to somewhere with two bedrooms, which is presumably why she has posted asking for ideas.

As the OP has really helpfully replied saying she is moving to a 2-bed place because she wants to be able to have visitors to stay over, then that is the perfect reply and what I would say to her.

If you don’t see her really much anyway, it probably won’t be a problem but if you see her loads, then you have a clear reason to give. Good luck with it

It’s harder if you are going to be moving to a two person home. Why is that?
What the fuck is a 'two person home'?
And why on earth would you ask the OP to justify how many rooms she wants in her home?

OP, does she know you have two bedrooms? (not that it matters really; I'm just wondering why she's asking).
Anyway, tell her, 'Oh, no, I'm not doing a houseshare, I'm living on my own.' No need to explain about WFH, or make jokes about wanting to walk around naked. It's your life and your house. If she's hurt let her be hurt.

I think its best to just be honest. You said that you want a spare room for visitors only, and not to rent out long term. Also mention that you enjoy living on your own and enjoy your space - there is nothing wrong with that.

“No, I enjoy living on my own”

Frankly it might be kinder to steer her in the direction of finding somewhere to live alone. Maybe tell her you love living alone and why doesn’t she consider that as an option?

There was no need for the snippy response to my question to the OP, @WomanStanleyWoman**

Well I found your original comment quite ‘snippy’, so I guess we’re even.

In your case, you could call it a dining/dressing room or office space with a futon for the occasional visitor.

This is a good idea. It’s not a two-bed; it’s a one-bed with a small office space. (Don’t let her see inside it until it’s too late! )

Tell her no, expound the benefits of living alone, suggest she tries it as well by the sounds of things

@stormy11

I think its best to just be honest. You said that you want a spare room for visitors only, and not to rent out long term. Also mention that you enjoy living on your own and enjoy your space - there is nothing wrong with that.

This is what I would say. I've houseshared too for years and am definitely done with that.

I would just be honest and say I'm surprised you haven't considered getting your own place so then you can do as you wish. If I was to rent out the extra room, it would be to someone that follows the "house" rules and tidies up.

Or fuck no I don't want to live with you as your a slob. Might have been great for you, but it wasn't that great for the rest of us.

I wouldn't say I'm not renting it out as things might change.And if she knows your using it for visitors, she might come to stay the night and still be there 3 months later.

I suspect she'll ask to stay "for a few weeks until I find something", so you'd better be prepared for that conversation

Yes, I think this conversation will definitely happen.

She will know it’s got 2 bedrooms because when I tell her I’ve moved it’ll be one of the first questions she asks. She could also easily find out by looking it up online, which I think she would do.

That’s really good advice @MatildaTheCat thank you, maybe if I really help her focus on getting a place for herself she will start liking that idea more than sharing with me (or at least an acceptable second choice). She never really liked the idea of loving alone before, but after the string of failed houseshares maybe she’d be more open to it now.

*living alone, sorry!

You feel you're at an age where you couldn't cope living with a house share anymore.
After living alone for a period of time it would be really difficult for you to share again.

Maybe try and see it as you'll be doing right by her if you're completely clear on your boundaries I.e. no, you can't move in. This way, she has been given fair warning that your place is not an option so she needs to find alternative accommodation. If she chooses to try and persuade you rather than look elsewhere that's not your problem at all. You sound like a lovely, kind, person who's being put in a position of having to stand firm because their friend won't take no for an answer, not someone who is hurting them intentionally.

Your friend may have reasons for behaving this way, about which you sound very compassionate, but don't lose sight of the fact that whatever the cause, her approach is entitled and outside the bounds of what is polite here (that is to say, asking once whether you would be interested in sharing but accepting the answer). Friends do not have an obligation to meet each other's housing needs. I think the key is to remember all of this and disengage if she gets upset.

@Vanillaaddict

Thanks. I think you’re probably right that there might not be a non-blunt way. I haven’t moved yet, but will in September, and I want the bigger flat because I would like to be able to pit visitors up. So, that in itself is the reason I guess.

I think she will be hurt, because she will see her need as greater than mine, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that

If you let her stay at all she won’t leave. She might see her needs as greater than yours but you don’t have to

Don't tell her you want the second room for visitors for heavens sake or she'll be proposing herself as a visitor. Just tell her you no longer want to share with anyone and don't get involved any further. It's not your problem to solve and there is no need to make your life worse to make her life better.

of course she will see her needs as greater than yours @Vanillaaddict

but so what? you see your need greater than hers, and that's how it should be! you don't need to feel bad or guilty about that, nor do you have to make excuses or justify it.
do what you want.

she needs to sort herself out

Friendships have boundaries, respected by both sides. If she cant respect yours it isn't a friendship.

maybe if I really help her focus on getting a place for herself she will start liking that idea more than sharing with me
Why on earth should you spend time and energy helping her out to this extent? (yes I know she's a friend, but you don't need to get THAT involved).

And I agree it'd be a mistake to tell her you want the second room for visitors. If she asks about the two bedrooms just say 'Yes, it's a two-bed'. Move the conversation on or, if she won't, say, 'I'm not having anyone to stay.' Repeat as needed.

I think you need to be clear about your needs because it’s so hard for her to see things from someone else’s point of view so you say something like “I have come to realise that it’s much better for me to live alone. I really need my own space these days. It would make me uncomfortable to have to share again.”
Her need to live with someone is not more important than your need to live alone and, if you can get her to see that, you will have done her a good turn. It might not come naturally to her to understand others but she may be able to do it if the point if made simply and clearly.

It's a good idea guiding her towards finding her own place too but I wouldn't get too involved in this process. If shes got her mind set on your spare room, there will be something wrong with every place you suggest until it's time for her to move out. Maybe suggest this as an idea and then step back.

I think the only thing to say is an unequivocal no. I’d say I like my own space and so have decided not to take anyone in. In fact I’d be tempted to tell her she’s too untidy but maybe as you say that would upset and anger her.
Could you offer to help her look for her own place?

Agree with supporting her to find somewhere but do not let her stay at yours, even for a night

Don’t reply that it’s a two bedroom home. Tell her you have one bedroom and mentally designate the other room as a walk-in wardrobe, office, hobby room or present wrapping room.

Otherwise a straight no I don’t want to live with anyone. If you can’t be straight and can’t lie, then let her move in. Pick your poison.

When you say that your friend is in temporary accommodation do you mean “official” temporary accommodation such as council organised B&B, hostel etc? If that’s the case she would be best to hang on for help with re-housing from the council as it might to her only shot to get a place with a secure tenancy.

@MatildaTheCat

Frankly it might be kinder to steer her in the direction of finding somewhere to live alone. Maybe tell her you love living alone and why doesn’t she consider that as an option?

I agree with this. Also saying that you have reached a point where you really want and need to live alone. It would be much harder if you were getting a different flatmate, but wanting to live alone shouldn’t hurt her feelings too much.