To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would have expected my husband to have a one off sick day to help, especially if it's a big contract and will get us more money. More money means you can afford reliable childcare for the future. And your mil is also unreasonable, yous had an agreement and she let you down 2 weeks in a row it's not on. I hope you can get the contract back OP, all the best

If you have lost a valuable contract due to lack of child care, can you really afford not to have it?

Paid childcare is the obvious first port of call. You can’t rely on MIL and you can’t rely on expecting your H to lie. I do think he’s generally quite unreasonable in terms of the amount he expects you to manage, but lying about being sick is no good.

The idea of your H going part time is good- as long as he does the SAHP part of his time properly.

OP you are amazing. 3 kids. Breastfeeding. Working. A medical condition. No family nearby and IL’s who promise childcare and cancel at short notice.
I’ve no idea how you manage that.

Agree with those saying push for the move.
Personally I’d avoid having to rely on his parents as much as possible going forward.
I also wholeheartedly agree that treating the GC differently is hurtful and unfair. Having been on the receiving end of this myself it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Oh dear. I feel for you. Its all on you. Let go of the resentment of MIL. DH has been an utter arse blaming you for not getting up at 5am. He can get up at 5am. Do his work then look after dc!!!!

Separately start to look for homes near your family. It will make you feel better to dream. Your dh has been selfish and has overburdened you. If you have outgoings for his old job and can't afford your home any more now may well be time to move. If you can get a cheaper living situation and help with childcare you should make it hard for dh to turn down such a proposal. He doesn't get to decide everything.

To deal with the main problem in hand: you need a regular nursery place for the 1yo and need to sort childcare for the holidays for the 10yo and 6yo. Mine are similar age and summer holiday clubs were booked by Easter. Easter was booked as soon as it opened but usually January. You need to research options and know what to do well in advance. Costs here range from £15 to £30. Sounds like you could cope with a cheap sports club 9 or 10 til 3. I do 8am to 5 in wood school usually. I don't bother mixing it up now because I take leave and family care but used to do a whole patchwork of clubs.

Would your dc enjoy a week long drama club? I bet the 10yo would like the spend an adventure day kayaking or raft building. Both mine have enjoyed climbing days. Don't just think of it as a cost. Think how much fun they will have. And you can work. Win win. It's not as expensive as nursery anyway.

Costs paid jointly between you and dh. It's not optional. He doesn't get to put all of the childcare on you, force you to neglect your business and then refuse to pay for childcare alongside you.

Cut MIL out of the equation. 8 hours a week is a lot to expect all summer long and would easily have been solved with a football club day or time at leisure centre sports club.

How far away do your parents live? Is it possible for them to come and stay over for a night or two so you could do your 2 days work? Or could the kids go to theirs for 2 days? Even if it's just a few weeks until you sort proper childcare

@MrsMiddleMother

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would have expected my husband to have a one off sick day to help, especially if it's a big contract and will get us more money. More money means you can afford reliable childcare for the future. And your mil is also unreasonable, yous had an agreement and she let you down 2 weeks in a row it's not on. I hope you can get the contract back OP, all the best

Thanks so much. I'm going to try my absolute best. I feel like I have a plan now and despite the usual selection trying to purposefully crush my self-esteem for sport, there's been some genuinely helpful advice and perspectives to take on board.

@oopsyydaisyy

So granny gets to care for six children. I don't think so

Why does granny get to choose her pick?

Because granny is doing the looking after so of course she can absolutely choose her pick

I actually get where you're coming from. If MIL does care for similar age kids for SIL I think she should for you, don't like the whole favourites game (unless they have very different needs).

Also, if it was a definitel one off for the year then yes I'd have expected DH to pull a sicky to have the kids to secure the contract. HOWEVER, you do need a consistent childcare plan and if DH can't help you source it then you need to move to where you have support from your parents

Hubby could have pulled a sickie, but some people are by the book. It's neither person's fault, I think just discuss it and explain what you both would have liked to happen and what to do next time. And let him know you aren't a god and cannot do everything on your own.

Make him book a day annual leave off (or wfh) and do the all the child caring, whilst you go off for a client meeting all day. I am sure he will get a bit of respect for you juggling as you have been. He just needs to experience how it is for you and hopefully he will gain a lot more understanding. If not, when he gets home from work, get him to do your job as well.

@EarringsandLipstick

You lost £1600 per month. How much would paid childcare have cost? A lot less, I’m sure.

The point is, OP wasn't in a position to magic up this paid childcare.

She a) thought she had MIL one day a week, until MIL cancelled twice b) in place of that asked if DH could take leave (which he understandably couldn't but OP has said his employer is extremely inflexible in this way).

OP is sorting childcare, she said this.

She's saying how she feels right now.

OP's mistake was to try to do too much. She's juggling a lot, thought she could meet this deadline & thereafter would have arrangements in place.

Thanks so much for explaining it so clearly. I absolutely do plan to have childcare going forward. All summer hols childcare for older kids is booked up as I'm sure people must understand. I was talking about ONE day to get me out of a situation where I had been let down two weeks in a row.

Also this:

Also unlikely he would lose his job for one day of sickness, not sure what people think their employers do when they call in sick confused

Yes! He has never had a day off sick or for a sick or for dependent leave or anything in over a year of employment - why would he get sacked for having one sick day? He wouldn't be going out on a jolly he would be at home looking after our kids, do people think his employer has CCTV in our bog to see how many times he really has had explosive diarrhoea today?

Even if you are working from home, you need child care. I used to get up in the morning, drive dd to nursery, and come home to work. My husband did sometimes take days off to cover child care emergencies, he does need to cover his fair share. The catch here as people have pointed out is that your MIL not agreeing to babysit that day isn’t really the same as the child minder canceling or a kid being sick.

Now she is a teenager so I can just pop into my home office and tell her not to spend too much time on her phone, but that is a completely different era in life.

I know you said you can't find childcare for all 3 of the children but if you can get a place for the baby you might still be able to manage short term. A 10 year old can occupy themself for a lot of the time abd even the 6 year old should becable to give you space to work in the day. If possible get your dh to drop off and pick up from nursery. You may find your mil is less likely to cancel on you if she only has the older ones as well but it will make you less dependent on her for getting your work done.

Having said that it is not just your job to make sure the children are cared for and your dh has to start acting like a proper parent and understand he needs to take equal responsibility for them. That includes telling his employer that he cannot and will not accept that any parent can demand that their partner should be the only one to deal with any childcare issues as it is not only unreasonable but breaches the equality laws.

@Micemakingclothes

Even if you are working from home, you need child care. I used to get up in the morning, drive dd to nursery, and come home to work. My husband did sometimes take days off to cover child care emergencies, he does need to cover his fair share. The catch here as people have pointed out is that your MIL not agreeing to babysit that day isn’t really the same as the child minder canceling or a kid being sick.

Now she is a teenager so I can just pop into my home office and tell her not to spend too much time on her phone, but that is a completely different era in life.

Oh, well I won't say I can't wait because I don't want to wish it away, but at least it gives me hope of a simpler time?!

I realise I can't complain about her being unreliable with her free childcare! And I haven't. But it was an agreement and therefore it's reasonable to plan diaries around it etc and in terms of the impact on work, it's exactly the same.

@SMabbutt

I know you said you can't find childcare for all 3 of the children but if you can get a place for the baby you might still be able to manage short term. A 10 year old can occupy themself for a lot of the time abd even the 6 year old should becable to give you space to work in the day. If possible get your dh to drop off and pick up from nursery. You may find your mil is less likely to cancel on you if she only has the older ones as well but it will make you less dependent on her for getting your work done.

Having said that it is not just your job to make sure the children are cared for and your dh has to start acting like a proper parent and understand he needs to take equal responsibility for them. That includes telling his employer that he cannot and will not accept that any parent can demand that their partner should be the only one to deal with any childcare issues as it is not only unreasonable but breaches the equality laws.

All of this. Thank you - you're right.

Not everyone is ok with lying and pulling a sickie, however he could have quite legitimately taken an unpaid day of carers leave due to childcare arrangements breaking down. If he expects you to get up at 5 to work surely he should be getting up at the same time to deal with the children. The only long term solution is childcare though. It’s not fair on the children either for you to be working whilst trying to care for them. Possibly 10 year old could be at home with you. Look into tax breaks for childcare. Also summer clubs attached to schools or community centres can be quite cheap.

@HerrenaHarridan

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

Your work is just as important as his.

It was reasonable to ask him to pull as sickie this once bit that needed to be followed with a better plan than you just carry everything

You are being treat very unfairly here

Never mind his mum that’s just more sexist bullshit

Make your husband step the fuck up!

If you’re earning that well and caring for three kids single handedly and he won’t even step in for a day when you really need him... what exactly is the point of him anyway?

I agree. Some of these replies are unbelievable. People so smug because they've got through it without help, kicking the boot in. Shouldn't we expect better? Why is it all OP's responsibility? Why isn't it the DH's job equally to find solutions.

He doesn't do that, doesn't want to help with the baby in early mornings to let her work, doesn't want to move to where they'd have better support. And it's the OP that gets the shit stick from all these lovely supportive women. FFS.

YABU, sorry. Your situation is untenable and needs looked at.

Having been self-employed and raised two children while doing it, I can only say that I would absolutely have got up at 5am to finish the work that would earn me 1600 per month. Tired or not.

Here is the Time off for dependents guidance from the government. It does say that it's intended for unexpected emergencies (eg a child's sudden illness but not a hospital appointment). Childcare falling through definitely counts (if it falls through last-minute) and of course pre-arranged grandparent care is exactly the same as paid care in this regard! It's usually expected to be a maximum of 1 day - ie long enough to sort out childcare, rather than actually doing the childcare (unless it's very short-term, as in your situation)

It's an employment right. If your family has a similar emergency in the future, then your DH can take it - his work can't refuse. And there's no limit to how many times you can take it - although there's an expectation that it will be 'reasonable'. If they make ridiculous, sexist comments that his wife should cover it, he can tell them that you work too and that you already cover more than your share. He should be proud of you working!

I find it so frustrating on your behalf that your DH is refusing to take on even the smallest amount of responsibility. And also that his work are so outrageously sexist. This is a perfect example of the shitty socially-caused barriers women face, and why we have such bad income inequality between men and women and it's so unfair!!

Well, when you put it like that... Yeah. Its just not ok is it? He wants everything that he had when I was a SAHM along with my financial contribution and to live where he prefers and he's being a total twat. And I'm being a mug. Thank you. It won't be continuing.

So your husband can’t/won’t do any childcare and expect you to juggle kids and work on broken sleep.

He does a lot for his parents and they don’t want to help you out for 8hours a week? Any chance he could go to them next time when they need and take all the kids with him?Does SIL who has childcare on the tap help her parents?

You’re getting a bashing on this thread for lack of childcare that you can’t magic out due to being dropped in the shit by MIL.

Your “D”H and his family of origin are extremely selfish. Are there any positives from this family relations?

I’d sit down “D”H and ask him what plan he has to accommodate BOTH of you working.You need a reliable childcare and MIL cut out of the equation.
Childcare costs suck but this is what you have to face when you decided to have children and to keep you in the job.

If your “D” H is not willing to step up with the childcare (on practical and financial level) I’d be looking into moving (with or without him)beside your family where you’ll get some support.

I earn significantly less than my DH but he knows if he doesn’t pull his weight looking after the children or helping organise childcare, I won’t be able to progress my career and have better earning potential. It’s really short sighted of your DH to not do everything in his power to encourage your career as well as his. Ultimately you need to explain that if he doesn’t support you, you’ll be unsatisfied and you’ll leave him.

Why have a third child if you cannot afford one? Why bid for new contracts if you don't have the time to do the work!