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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we weren't wrong and it's not her business

145 replies

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:40

I went through a really difficult time around a year or so ago. I was in and out of hospital and it was quite scary and upsetting, outwardly though I was well so unless you'd been told you wouldn't have known to look at me.

My husband shares children with his ex partner. We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way.

Recently I started doing a fundraising thing for a charity regarding this particular issue and shared this on my social media just stating it was personal to me as I'd been through X and Y, I didn't go into much detail but it was the first time I'd said anything outside of my family and close friends.

Someone showed this to my husband's ex partner (I suspect I know who).

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

I'm so angry. Am I not allowed any privacy from this woman? This is my personal medical situation. If it had affected the children I'd have understood but this was over a year ago now (I'm much better now!) and they weren't any the wiser!

I don't know why it's bothered me so much but I feel really annoyed and upset about it.

I don't know if this makes any difference but it wasn't MH related.

YABU - he should have told her.

YANBU - it is/was nothing to do with her.

OP posts:
giletrouge · 28/07/2021 16:49

I think nobody's being U. I understand you wanting your privacy but I also understand her point of view because to say it wouldn't affect the children is just wishful thinking. The children's father was going through something traumatic; on some level the children would have been affected. She's shocked to have found out that her children were going through - albeit unconsciously - something, and she wasn't told anything at all about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2021 16:52

If your medical situation had gotten serious enough, I am sure you and your husband would have informed her at the time, correct? I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms to wind her neck in.

Sirzy · 28/07/2021 16:52

I think in hindsight him saying to her that you where having some medical issues but that you didn’t want to go into details may have been better.

Children are perceptive and do pick up on things.

There may have come a point where visits needed to be adapted due to your health.

When you have children then the families will always be connected to a degree.

Wearywithteens · 28/07/2021 16:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 16:55

We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way. no reason for him to have told his ex. You are nothing to her and she is nothing to you. You both have a right to privacy.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 16:56

There may have come a point where visits needed to be adapted due to your health. then that would be the point to consider telling her.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 16:58

Also I'd unfriend whoever decided to show her.

MasterBeth · 28/07/2021 16:58

None of her business.

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2021 16:58

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable really.

Perhaps she feels a bit bad that she couldn't offer to help by suggesting different arrangements for the kids, while you were going through the worst of it.

Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:58

@Aquamarine1029

If your medical situation had gotten serious enough, I am sure you and your husband would have informed her at the time, correct? I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms to wind her neck in.
Yes absolutely. Fortunately it never did get serious enough so there was no need.
OP posts:
Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:59

@WorraLiberty

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable really.

Perhaps she feels a bit bad that she couldn't offer to help by suggesting different arrangements for the kids, while you were going through the worst of it.

Oh I am certain it's not because she's upset she didn't get to offer support.
OP posts:
Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:00

@Wearywithteens

Yep I’m sorry about your illness but her priority will be the welfare of her kids and, if they live with you part of the week, its not unreasonable for her to be concerned about the potential impact on her children. I’m also not a fan of keeping secrets in families either.
But there was no impact on her children. If there had of been, we'd have told her. There is no further potential for impact now as it's thankfully over.
OP posts:
breakfasty · 28/07/2021 17:01

@WorraLiberty

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable really.

Perhaps she feels a bit bad that she couldn't offer to help by suggesting different arrangements for the kids, while you were going through the worst of it.

If they'd wanted different arrangements that would have been the time to mention it.
crabbingbucket · 28/07/2021 17:01

I don't blame you for being pissed off. You haven't said the children's visits we're having to be changed and although kids can be perceptive, it doesn't sound like they were affected.

On the other hand I expect had you told the kids and their mum you'd have been accused of expecting them to care about your health issues when you should be dealing with them on your own.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 28/07/2021 17:02

Tbh yes I think I would have mentioned it, but massively downplayed it. Her reaction is disproportionate however, and probably shows you made the right choice in not telling her - you’d have had twice the drama.

Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:03

@crabbingbucket

I don't blame you for being pissed off. You haven't said the children's visits we're having to be changed and although kids can be perceptive, it doesn't sound like they were affected.

On the other hand I expect had you told the kids and their mum you'd have been accused of expecting them to care about your health issues when you should be dealing with them on your own.

Their visits weren't affected at all, not once. I actually went to most things alone, Covid and all, so DH was always able to be at home with them.
OP posts:
BlueSurfer · 28/07/2021 17:03

I don’t think you were BU for keeping it private. Perhaps it might have been better to have spoken to the children in an age appropriate way about it if ultimately your DP is also the parent who clearly agreed with you.

Luckingfovely · 28/07/2021 17:04

Once you share anything on social media, you have shared it with the world, and you can no longer complain about an invasion of privacy.

Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:04

@Luckingfovely

Once you share anything on social media, you have shared it with the world, and you can no longer complain about an invasion of privacy.
Of course. I'm not suggesting otherwise.

I'm saying at the time it was going on, we didn't need to tell her, she is saying we should have.

OP posts:
Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:05

@BlueSurfer

I don’t think you were BU for keeping it private. Perhaps it might have been better to have spoken to the children in an age appropriate way about it if ultimately your DP is also the parent who clearly agreed with you.
There was no need to talk to the children about it. They didn't even know anything was going on. It'd have been pointless to concern them for what thankfully turned out to be short lived.
OP posts:
Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:07

I’m also not a fan of keeping secrets in families either

She isn't my family.

She hasn't always been very nice to me either so I've no interest in sharing my personal information with her when it has no affect on her children. She's not a friend.

OP posts:
HPLikecraft · 28/07/2021 17:07

None of her business. Had the situation arisen that the children were being impacted and/or other arrangements needed to be made, then that would have been the time to have said something. She has absolutely no right whatsoever to know anything about your health issues. Cheeky mare.

Amammi · 28/07/2021 17:08

@Luckingfovely

Once you share anything on social media, you have shared it with the world, and you can no longer complain about an invasion of privacy.
This is exactly my thought also if you want to be discreet about your condition fair enough but tbh if you were telling people however vaguely it would have been better for your partner to give her a heads up before you posted on SM
breakfasty · 28/07/2021 17:08

@Luckingfovely

Once you share anything on social media, you have shared it with the world, and you can no longer complain about an invasion of privacy.
Op hasn't complained about this. She's complained about the Ex complaining they should have been told.
Wjevtvha · 28/07/2021 17:09

I wouldn’t want DSDs mum to know my personal medical information but I also think it’s naive to say they weren’t effected as in my experience kids pick up on far more than you think and even just atmospheres and their parents being worried are picked up on.

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