To think we weren't wrong and it's not her business

[ListenNoNo]

I went through a really difficult time around a year or so ago. I was in and out of hospital and it was quite scary and upsetting, outwardly though I was well so unless you'd been told you wouldn't have known to look at me.

My husband shares children with his ex partner. We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way.

Recently I started doing a fundraising thing for a charity regarding this particular issue and shared this on my social media just stating it was personal to me as I'd been through X and Y, I didn't go into much detail but it was the first time I'd said anything outside of my family and close friends.

Someone showed this to my husband's ex partner (I suspect I know who).

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

I'm so angry. Am I not allowed any privacy from this woman? This is my personal medical situation. If it had affected the children I'd have understood but this was over a year ago now (I'm much better now!) and they weren't any the wiser!

I don't know why it's bothered me so much but I feel really annoyed and upset about it.

I don't know if this makes any difference but it wasn't MH related.

YABU - he should have told her.

YANBU - it is/was nothing to do with her.

I have been through an illness recently and not once did I consider telling my DSS's mother until it directly affected him (ie do you mind having him for the weekend after my surgery!). She said yes absolutely fine. We didn't have to go into details, we didn't have to tell her before anyone else. She understood I needed the surgery and DP couldn't leave me alone long enough to travel to do pick ups and drop offs for that weekend. That was it. It did affect DSS in the fact that I was more fatigued, sometimes in pain but it didn't stop him doing things with his dad and sister if I couldn't take part. At no point before confirmation of my surgery date would I have been obliged to disclose my private medical information and I wouldn't expect her to either! Yes, if she needed us to have DSS a bit more to take the weight off her we absolutely would, and have done on a couple of occasions. It is not normal to have to tell someone anything unless it had the potential to detrimentally impact their child. I'm baffled by the audacity if I'm honest!

I'm not suggesting you tell mumsnet what the issue was, but some things I think you maybe should have shared (eg something that put the children in a situation where they may have witnessed something distressing like collapsing or having a fit or they may have had to call an ambulance) and other things (most conditions causing things like pain and discomfort) are none of their business if you felt you were managing it ok. So I think it depends what the issue was and the potential impact on the children as to whether you should have disclosed it

YANBU. I had a cancer scare and a minor surgery last year and told about two people. I didn’t tell my own children. There was no point until I knew what I was dealing with and I needed to just get through it, not have the stress of other people worrying. I am sure there were times when it affected my behaviour around my children and around DSCs but that doesn’t mean they should be told about it - there are lots of times adults are dealing with things and don’t need to burden children with them.

Absolutely none of her business. She's just using it to shit stir by the sounds of it. Sorry you went through a difficult time.

@ChicChaos

Did the children know about the issue before you put it on social media, or was that how they found out as well?

No of course not. The children are young primary school aged, they aren't on social media.

I didn't put the whole saga on SM. I shared a charity fundraiser and said it was an important issue for me as I went through something similar. That was the entire jist of it really. I didn't go into lots of detail or anything.

OP YADNBU & some responses here are baffling.

You, yourself, have no direct connection with this woman. You don't need to tell her anything. As you say, if there was an impact on DC you'd have addressed it but there wasn't.

I'm glad you're better now. 💐

Nothing to do with her and she had no right to know.

Ditch the snitch, was it someone in DH’s family?

Glad you’re feeling better.

I don't think the DCs picked up much if anything, as they clearly weren't showing that anything was wrong or different when they went back to their mum.

if you want privacy why share it on social media

@simonisnotme

if you want privacy why share it on social media

As I've said repeatedly, this is about at the time not now. I am aware that by posting about it I was opening it up for her to find out but at the time were we obliged to inform her, was my question.

Definitely none of her business and you are absolutely entitled to privacy about things that don't impact on the children.

It’s incredibly naive to claim the DC weren’t affected when you were repeatedly absent from home due to hospital stays and were distressed.

On that basis alone I think the children’s mother should have been informed of an issue, albeit not what that issue was.

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

*they’re

@Lurcherloves

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

What was secret about it? I just didn't tell a woman about my health who has nothing to do with my personal medical information.

It was nothing to do with "feeling special", I actually think that's a really shitty thing to say when it was a period where I was really concerned about my health.

There were lots of people I didn't tell at the time. Not because I wanted to keep special secrets from them, but because it's private. Do you tell absolutely everyone when you're ill?

@Lurcherloves

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

Thankfully you don’t get to decide. It’s an entirely personal decision who anyone shares medical information with.

Neither you nor this ex has a right to know anything about anyone else’s health and tough shit if that makes you feel left out.

I’m sure OP would rather have avoided multiple hospital visits even you think it does make her “special”

I actually think that's a really shitty thing to say when it was a period where I was really concerned about my health.

I agree OP.

You had no obligation to tell anyone really, even your direct family not to mind an unconnected woman, about your health or any issues.

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

🙄

Good grief. It’s someone’s private medical information. They’re allowed to share nothing, a little or as much as possible if they choose to. Doubt being worried about one’s health makes most people feel special usually quite the opposite.

@Lurcherloves

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

Should we all just announce everything that is wrong with us to everyone then?! Strange idea.

@Lurcherloves

I find secrecy so annoying. The person keeping the secret feels like their so special and important and only certain people can be privy. Much better to be open. Life happens to all of us.

if you are one of these people who put all the little details of your life on social media for the world to know, it's up to you. Some of us like our privacy. Are you that miffed that you can't know all the gory details of your friends' lives?

None of her business. As you say, it would only have been had it been something that could impact the kids. It did not.

And well done on the fundraising. Good luck with that!