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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we weren't wrong and it's not her business

145 replies

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:40

I went through a really difficult time around a year or so ago. I was in and out of hospital and it was quite scary and upsetting, outwardly though I was well so unless you'd been told you wouldn't have known to look at me.

My husband shares children with his ex partner. We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way.

Recently I started doing a fundraising thing for a charity regarding this particular issue and shared this on my social media just stating it was personal to me as I'd been through X and Y, I didn't go into much detail but it was the first time I'd said anything outside of my family and close friends.

Someone showed this to my husband's ex partner (I suspect I know who).

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

I'm so angry. Am I not allowed any privacy from this woman? This is my personal medical situation. If it had affected the children I'd have understood but this was over a year ago now (I'm much better now!) and they weren't any the wiser!

I don't know why it's bothered me so much but I feel really annoyed and upset about it.

I don't know if this makes any difference but it wasn't MH related.

YABU - he should have told her.

YANBU - it is/was nothing to do with her.

OP posts:

MoggyP · 28/07/2021 18:15

But why would I need to give her a heads up about a personal medical situation that's been and gone before I posted something on my own personal SM about a fundraiser?

Actually, perhaps you should.

Not when it was going on. But maybe about 10 minutes before you told everyone else, with a short explanation to stop the need for her ask obvious questions about what the DC knew/know

Original poster

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 18:17

It wasn't obvious that she'd question it though. She wouldn't have even known still if a busy body hadn't sent it to her.

OP posts:

Killahangilion · 28/07/2021 18:18

Absolutely none of her business.
The OP is entitled to her privacy regardless of having step children.

No-one is automatically entitled to know another person’s medical condition/history.

Even if the OP was diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness, it’s up to the OP who she discloses the information to, including her own husband.

MoggyP · 28/07/2021 18:19

I think they are very obvious questions. And she did ask them as soon as she found out.

Once you have gone public with a fund-raiser, of course she was going to find out.

DoubleTweenQueen · 28/07/2021 18:22

Some people think the world revolves around them, unfortunately

MoggyP · 28/07/2021 18:23

it’s up to the OP who she discloses the information to

Of course, but she decided to publish it to a group, and a fund raiser is exactly the sort of thing that is normally public and to be passed on to anyone you think is good for a tenner.

There must be several mutual friends in that group. Of course the DC's mother was going to find out. Of course she's going to want to know what the DC knew.

Original poster

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 18:25

I don't agree that "of course she wa going to find out". I don't have a clue what she posts on her SM. If she was doing a fundraiser I'd not know unless she either told us or someone did the same as in this situation and screenshot it to me/DH.

And the only question she asked was why we didn't tell her first. The rest was waffle about deserving to know and it being unfair to find out like that.

Id have thought for most decent humans the first and most obvious question would be 'is everything okay now'.

OP posts:

Original poster

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 18:26

But anyway, as I've said, I'm not bothered that she now knows. I accepted that possibility by posting it.

My question was did she deserve to know at the time.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/07/2021 18:32

No she didn't. It is always going to be your decision if/when to tell anyone . Your DH could have discussed it with you if he thought it was having a negative impact on his kids. Then you might have made a different decision. But he didn't, it didn't, you didn't

It would be a bit like you or him asking her about next smear test, cos you never know the results could possibly impact on their kids at some point, maybe, perhaps.

You wouldn't. Nobody would.

Well... you might now

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 28/07/2021 18:33

It's none of her bloody business, I wouldn't expect to know anything about exp wife's medical issues and I wouldn't tell them about mine if I didn't need to

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2021 18:35

My question was did she deserve to know at the time.

No, she didn’t and you were right not to tell her considering her behaviour about it. A decent person would say how glad they are that you are ok and maybe even how nice it is that you are starting a fundraiser for it not make a fuss about why weren’t they told.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 18:36

Maybe she was upset as she was getting asked about it but didn’t have an answer and made her feel like she wasn’t in the know about her children’s care it wasn't affecting the children's care though.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 18:38

*And the only question she asked was why we didn't tell her first. The rest was waffle about deserving to know and it being unfair to find out like that.

Id have thought for most decent humans the first and most obvious question would be 'is everything okay now*

Exactly she doesn't actually care she just wanted to be in the know.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 18:39

Massive bold fail

KarmaStar · 28/07/2021 18:40

Glad you are well again Op,don't let her/this being you down.
Have you talked through the fear and other emotions that you felt during treatment?
If not perhaps that is why this has brought out the anger and upset within you?
It is none of her business,she's just annoyed she didn't find out beforehand.
Consider getting some rock Crystal ,the most powerful healer that also amplifies the power of other crystals.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 18:44

If not perhaps that is why this has brought out the anger and upset within you? I think it's the ex demanding to be first in line for personal information which has brough out the anger and upset.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/07/2021 18:45

And yes, a rock, crystal or not, well aimed, may well heal that feeling of anger

Dragon50 · 28/07/2021 18:48

Would she have told you/DH her medical issues?

Surely she should trust DH to inform her of the DC we’re going to be affected.

None of her business.

Nextchapterofmybook · 28/07/2021 18:49

Of course the kids would have picked up on it. Then you go and put it on social media? So the people will be talking about it and they are blindsided? Can’t have it both ways.

Frankola · 28/07/2021 18:50

Absolutely none of her business.

She's upset because she's realised she doesn't have total knowledge of your life in my opinion. My dh's ex has been like this before. Its a power/control thing.

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 18:55

My question was did she deserve to know at the time.

No.

of course not

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 18:57

@Nextchapterofmybook

Of course the kids would have picked up on it. Then you go and put it on social media? So the people will be talking about it and they are blindsided? Can’t have it both ways.

what both ways? You can't see the difference between being opened why you are supporting a charity, following past experience

and having to directly contact your DH's ex to tell her all about your private life at the time?

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 28/07/2021 18:59

I understand you feeling annoyed about how she reacted. But I can sort of understand a shocked reaction from her, if she doesn’t know all the details she might just be overreacting or she’s a nosey cow who feels like she needs to know all your business.

All you can do at this point is accept how she feels, if you need to respond to her say something along the lines of “If at any point my private medical issues became serious enough to have an impact on the children we would have informed you and them.”

If you suspect someone is running to her to gossip about your social media goings on I’d be blocking them / restricting content they can view too. Life is too short for this petty bullshit tbh.

I am glad you’re out of the other side with your health now though.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 28/07/2021 18:59

DP’s ex had no right to know.

You don’t say how old the children are but if they are old enough that someone might say something to them after seeing your social media post they deserve to have heard about it directly from you or their father, albeit as a fait accompli.

ChicChaos · 28/07/2021 19:01

Did the children know about the issue before you put it on social media, or was that how they found out as well?

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