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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we weren't wrong and it's not her business

145 replies

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:40

I went through a really difficult time around a year or so ago. I was in and out of hospital and it was quite scary and upsetting, outwardly though I was well so unless you'd been told you wouldn't have known to look at me.

My husband shares children with his ex partner. We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way.

Recently I started doing a fundraising thing for a charity regarding this particular issue and shared this on my social media just stating it was personal to me as I'd been through X and Y, I didn't go into much detail but it was the first time I'd said anything outside of my family and close friends.

Someone showed this to my husband's ex partner (I suspect I know who).

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

I'm so angry. Am I not allowed any privacy from this woman? This is my personal medical situation. If it had affected the children I'd have understood but this was over a year ago now (I'm much better now!) and they weren't any the wiser!

I don't know why it's bothered me so much but I feel really annoyed and upset about it.

I don't know if this makes any difference but it wasn't MH related.

YABU - he should have told her.

YANBU - it is/was nothing to do with her.

OP posts:
breakfasty · 28/07/2021 17:09

it would have been better for your partner to give her a heads up before you posted on SM why? She is nothing to OP. She can find out like anyone else. She's not special.

Drivingmeupthewall · 28/07/2021 17:12

@Aquamarine1029

If your medical situation had gotten serious enough, I am sure you and your husband would have informed her at the time, correct? I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms to wind her neck in.
I came to say this.

It’s absolutely fuck all to do with her. She’s trying to make it about her, too 🙄

Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:13

Id understand if it were my husband, their Dad. But why would I need to give her a heads up about a personal medical situation that's been and gone before I posted something on my own personal SM about a fundraiser?

I'm not complaining that she found out. I chose to share it on SM that's fine. I just don't get why she thinks she should have known already. Providing it doesn't affect the children, we aren't anything to each other.

OP posts:
pommepommefrites · 28/07/2021 17:17

You're secretly enjoying that she's annoyed that you kept her in the dark about whatever the fuck this mysterious health condition is that you have now blasted all over social media, aren't you?

FreeBritnee · 28/07/2021 17:19

She feels she has an elevated position within your family and you’ve informed her of something alongside all the other plebs. That's pissed her off.

Hannayeah · 28/07/2021 17:19

Glad you are ok!!

No, I think you made the choice that made sense for you, given your relationship with her. She can feel like she does, but that does not mean you did anything wrong.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 17:21

@pommepommefrites

You're secretly enjoying that she's annoyed that you kept her in the dark about whatever the fuck this mysterious health condition is that you have now blasted all over social media, aren't you?
That's unfair. Ifs not mysterious to everyone on social media OP just isn't telling us which is fair enough.
Original poster
ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 17:21

@pommepommefrites

You're secretly enjoying that she's annoyed that you kept her in the dark about whatever the fuck this mysterious health condition is that you have now blasted all over social media, aren't you?
Why would I be glad about that? It's actually put a massive downer on something that took a lot for me to share and I was looking forward to doing actually.

And I haven't blasted anything all over social media. I shared one post, with minimal details about my situation, about a charity fundraiser. I've not written paragraphs after paragraph.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2021 17:26

YANBU.

None of her business nor is she entitled to know something that doesn’t concern her or the children. You two aren’t friends and whatever happened obviously didn’t disrupt anything since she didn’t notice anything was amiss to begin with until your post. Plus, it’s your personal health so why should your husband have told her? Obviously, if you wanted her to know, you would have told her.

FreeBritnee · 28/07/2021 17:28

That's unfair. Ifs not mysterious to everyone on social media OP just isn't telling us which is fair enough.

The rules of MN is everything has to be divulged at the beginning. If not the OP is harangued until the grand revelation and then immediately accused of drip feeding.

Pallisers · 28/07/2021 17:31

I think nobody's being U. I understand you wanting your privacy but I also understand her point of view because to say it wouldn't affect the children is just wishful thinking. The children's father was going through something traumatic; on some level the children would have been affected. She's shocked to have found out that her children were going through - albeit unconsciously - something, and she wasn't told anything at all about it.

That makes no sense to me. So everything traumatic the dad is going through must be shared with his ex? Serious issue at work? Sex life suddenly difficult? Argument with his brother? And since he might find his wife' problems traumatic too - her fight with her sister? Her having to go to a therapist to deal with some issues with her parents?

Where on earth would that end?

As for the "whatever the fuck this mysterious condition is" post from pommepomme. Do you go around with your friends berating them if they don't call you from the doctor's office when they get a diagnosis. Pissed when it might take a few weeks or months before they tell YOU. People are so bloody nosy and intrusive about other people's lives.

pommepommefrites · 28/07/2021 17:35

I don't have any friends 🥲

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 17:35

Absolutely nothing to do with her!

She is ridiculous, and need to get a life if she is still getting so involved in yours.

One of these attention seekers who wants to be at the centre of everything, and is miffed that you don't waste your time about her.

you have done nothing wrong.

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 17:37

@pommepommefrites

You're secretly enjoying that she's annoyed that you kept her in the dark about whatever the fuck this mysterious health condition is that you have now blasted all over social media, aren't you?
projecting much?

If I have a miscarriage, it would have fuck all to do with my DH's ex and it would't affect his kids! If I then want to raise money to support a charity, it's my right, and if my DH's ex is miffed, too bad, she would be ridiculous.

Get it now?

SpidersAreShitheads · 28/07/2021 17:41

My gut reaction is that you don’t have to tell her anything, although with the benefit of hindsight it might have better to let her know you were having a bit of hospital treatment, just in case.

The only thing I would say is I wonder whether you’re being a little bit naive about whether the DC were affected. If you were in and out of hospital, presumably you were there during visits a lot less. You also say that it was pretty scary, so I can’t imagine you and your DP were on top form. Kids are pretty perceptive, they might not have known what was going on and it might not have affected them in practical terms, but with all of that they could very well have picked up that something was up.

Glad you’re ok now though. Just ignore the daft bint.

user16395699 · 28/07/2021 17:42

@Wjevtvha

I wouldn’t want DSDs mum to know my personal medical information but I also think it’s naive to say they weren’t effected as in my experience kids pick up on far more than you think and even just atmospheres and their parents being worried are picked up on.
I agree with this, and I might be frustrated to learn I'd been kept in the dark about something that would have inevitably been affecting my children - not in terms of needing to know the personal details but just so that I could make sure they understood that the tension, fatigue and other minor but perceptible changes in behaviour weren't their fault.

All you needed to have shared was that there was an on going stressful situation. It is impossible to go through something as arduous and worrying as this sounds without it having any effect on anything else. Denying that it had an effect is an understandable form of self-protection from the gravity of the situation, but it's not true.

Children are young and not fully able to understand things the way adults do, but they are very perceptive about changes around them. When no explanation is provided they take the worry into their own shoulders and blame themselves, because they're not able cognitively to see the bigger picture - it's just 'something bad is happening so I must have caused it '.

Is this something that was potentially life threatening / life changing, and that's why you are starting to feel comfortable talking about it now that the 'threat' has passed rather than when the 'threat' was still hanging over you?

If so, that may also be contributing to the reaction from people. It can be a shock to learn someone was in that position and the reaction is therefore not always ideal!

I think your reaction seems more to be about whatever has gone on in the past with this woman, rather than the reasonableness of her comments now.

I'm glad your health has recovered. Don't get worked up over this now. It won't achieve anything.

Zhampagne · 28/07/2021 17:43

How old are the children?

I think you were well within your rights to keep the matter private at the time but if you are now at the point where you feel able to discuss it (however obliquely) on social media then you should also be at the point where you tell your step-children in an age-appropriate way that you went through something but that it is now resolved and nothing to worry about, simply because they should hear it directly from you and DH and not from anyone else. It's none of your DH's ex's business, however.

Timeforanewnamemethinks · 28/07/2021 17:45

It sort of depends on how old your step children were at the time, and if they could have picked up something wasn’t right at their dad’s home.
Children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for, and of course you have no way you f knowing how their dad was acting with them whilst you were out if the home receiving treatment.
But no, strictly speaking neither of you had an obligation to tell her.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 17:54

So everytime something isn't going well in dad's life he is meant to inform the ex just in case it effects the kids? That's silly.

ClemDanFango · 28/07/2021 17:57

YANBU it not her business.

SnoopyLights · 28/07/2021 17:58

YANBU.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she would have been supportive of the situation.

It's possible the children noticed something was going on, but if it all happened during lockdowns and COVID, everybody's routines were changing and perhaps they put it all down to that. It doesn't sound like they mentioned anything unusual to her at the time, or asked their father or you.

You don't have to share your medical information with her. I'm sure, as a PP said, that if it reached a point where the children needed to be told, you and your husband would have agreed on when and how to do this and updated her at that time. I'm glad it didn't reach that point and I'm glad you are feeling better now.

Also, delete the person stirring the pot with her from your social media, or change your settings so they can't see anything you would prefer not to get back to her.

mam0918 · 28/07/2021 18:03

Was the condition contagious? (thus could be passed to the children)

If not then I dont see why its her business, also who you choose to tell is your business.

I had cancer surgery years ago and never told my family (except DH) because to me it wasnt that serious (I wasnt terminal, very early stage and easily fixed) and it would worry them unnessacerily + they would make it harder with their 'woe is me' obsessive attitude (I know exactly how they act because other family members have been through).

However my friends knew (where chilled and never made a big deal out of it) and my co-workers knew (I had to take time off work regularly so it would be odd them not knowing/noticing).

I have a facebook that is closed and only friends and ex co-workers so if I posted something to that one and someone went out of the way to show someone outside of that group I would be pissed off.

Social Media doesnt mean public news, nearly everyone I know has their SM set to private.

Just tell her to mind her own business and remove the person who told her. Ironically its self involved overdramatic reactions like hers that make people not tell them anything in future.

sonjadog · 28/07/2021 18:08

Just nod and make vague noises and move on. There is nothing she can do about it now and in the future, you do as you think fit. She won't know your personal business unless you tell her about it, so she will be blissfully unaware of what she is missing out on.

LH1987 · 28/07/2021 18:10

Firstly, I agree she is being unreasonable and it is none of her business. Also,I’m sorry you were poorly.

However, when you share personal details on social media, it’s stops being private or personal, even if just among friends. Maybe she was upset as she was getting asked about it but didn’t have an answer and made her feel like she wasn’t in the know about her children’s care.

Mamanyt · 28/07/2021 18:10

My response would have been (probably via DP), "Had this had any chance of affecting the children, it would have been discussed with you at the time. As it did not, it was not."