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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we weren't wrong and it's not her business

145 replies

ListenNoNo · 28/07/2021 16:40

I went through a really difficult time around a year or so ago. I was in and out of hospital and it was quite scary and upsetting, outwardly though I was well so unless you'd been told you wouldn't have known to look at me.

My husband shares children with his ex partner. We never told the children about this situation as there was never any need to and it didn't affect them in any way.

Recently I started doing a fundraising thing for a charity regarding this particular issue and shared this on my social media just stating it was personal to me as I'd been through X and Y, I didn't go into much detail but it was the first time I'd said anything outside of my family and close friends.

Someone showed this to my husband's ex partner (I suspect I know who).

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

I'm so angry. Am I not allowed any privacy from this woman? This is my personal medical situation. If it had affected the children I'd have understood but this was over a year ago now (I'm much better now!) and they weren't any the wiser!

I don't know why it's bothered me so much but I feel really annoyed and upset about it.

I don't know if this makes any difference but it wasn't MH related.

YABU - he should have told her.

YANBU - it is/was nothing to do with her.

OP posts:
Mydogsbetterthanyourdog · 29/07/2021 13:08

YANBU
I'd imagine if you had saw your illness was having an impact on your step children you may well have had to mention something to his ex wife but if the DC's were oblivious there is absolutely no need to involve her

TeachesOfPeaches · 29/07/2021 13:20

These replies are baffling. No the OP doesn't have to tell her husband's ex-wife that she has a blood condition!

Meraas · 29/07/2021 13:48

@Standrewsschool

Maybe mention that op was going to hospital for some routine tests? Not nessarily mention what for, more that they were happening, in the same way you may tell your boss at work that you were finishing half an hour early for a doctors/hospital/dental appointment.
I think this reveals a lot about your thinking actually. You see the ex as the boss. And she is not. Op doesn't have to tell her a damn thing.
crabbingbucket · 29/07/2021 13:57

The "boss" analogy is absolutely baffling!

MoonlightFancy · 29/07/2021 13:58

Why don’t you talk to her directly? I don’t agree that you are nothing to her and vice versa; she’s the mother of your husbands children, and whether you like it or not you are involved in each other’s lives based on the children and your husband.
My concern is how easily messages get lost when over text. Perhaps a conversation direct to try and establish what she feels wasn’t handled right might provide some context to her worries. If she’s unreasonable and demanding then, you know it’s just the way she is but I don’t think dealing with an issue like adults and talking to each other could do much harm.

MzHz · 29/07/2021 14:22

Only in MN SM-land

This woman has zero business knowing ANYTHING about medical stuff @ListenNoNo has or does t have.

Literally it’s nothing to do with her, doesn’t affect her, wouldn’t affect her because she isn’t involved in any aspect of @ListenNoNo’s life.

Her involvement stops at the ex, to do with their kids together

MzHz · 29/07/2021 14:24

she’s the mother of your husbands children, and whether you like it or not you are involved in each other’s lives based on the children and your husband.

Nope, she’s involved DH life only when the dc are concerned- nothing more.

RoseAndRose · 29/07/2021 14:26

Her involvement stops at the ex, to do with their kids together

And that's what she did - the news became public via the fund raiser, and she contacted to ask if this had/has/will have any implications for the DC

MarcusRashford · 29/07/2021 14:35

None of her business. You’re entitled to your privacy and she’s just finding sticks to beat you with.

frazzledasarock · 29/07/2021 14:40

@RoseAndRose

Her involvement stops at the ex, to do with their kids together

And that's what she did - the news became public via the fund raiser, and she contacted to ask if this had/has/will have any implications for the DC

No she kicked off that she hadn't been told.

The 'it could have affected the kids' is a moot point as it clearly didn't as they remained unaffected and unaware.

QueenofKattegat · 29/07/2021 14:54

OP, you’re being given a hard time by some because you’re a SM

I agree with this. The amount of projection on here is staggering.

You are not unreasonable at all OP. This woman, who is nothing to do with you, has no right to know a damn thing about your personal medical information. All this "could have affected the children so she has a right to know" nonsense is projection.

QueenofKattegat · 29/07/2021 14:55

she’s the mother of your husbands children, and whether you like it or not you are involved in each other’s lives based on the children and your husband

and this is rubbish. There is a very strange cult of "first wife" favour on MN. Never understood it.

Meraas · 29/07/2021 14:57

@RoseAndRose

Her involvement stops at the ex, to do with their kids together

And that's what she did - the news became public via the fund raiser, and she contacted to ask if this had/has/will have any implications for the DC

That's not what happened, see below:

The first thing she said, rather than I hope X is okay, was to go on and on about how he should have told her, how bad it was she had to find out like that, she deserves to know things like this in case it had affected the children.

vivainsomnia · 29/07/2021 15:04

The children's father was going through something traumatic; on some level the children would have been affected
And? it doesn't mean she needed to be told. This is what joint parenting is all about. You have to trust that the person is ensuring the children are well cared for and that therefore he was managing the impact any of it, if any, had on the kids.

The mum had no reasons to be told, unless there was indeed evidence that the kids were affected and this was not managed appropriately by their dad.

breakfasty · 29/07/2021 15:18

she’s the mother of your husbands children, and whether you like it or not you are involved in each other’s lives based on the children and your husband.
She shouldn't even be getting her ex-husbands health information unless it affects the children. He is nothing to her but a coparent.

breakfasty · 29/07/2021 15:19

I am not involved at all in DSC's mum's life. She can butt out of mine.

MzHz · 29/07/2021 15:47

@RoseAndRose

Her involvement stops at the ex, to do with their kids together

And that's what she did - the news became public via the fund raiser, and she contacted to ask if this had/has/will have any implications for the DC

My oh blocked his ex on text and phone because of all the bullshit she tried

His office too refused to put her through to him.

She manipulated her dd (their dd) to bleat about “what would happen if I had an issue…”

“Well DD, you have a phone and can call/text/mail me yourself.”

The ex wife club is way overstating it’s importance in, like everything.

nobody has any automatic right to any personal information about another human being.

What’s it going to take to stop the “you’re a step mum, you eat shit forever and be grateful” bollocks?

No, we’re not grateful for the obsession you have to destroy every second of the dc time with their dad.

To jeopardise every holiday? Every weekend or every plan with their siblings or grandmother?

No we don’t want you interfering in any aspect of our lives with your need to feel that the sun revolves around you. It doesn’t.

We just want to do the best job WE can and wish you could be the same for the sake of your dc.

MzHz · 29/07/2021 15:49

All this "could have affected the children so she has a right to know" nonsense is projection.

Exactly

Global warming will affect the children… should we make sure the ex knows if we didn’t recycle our tin can?

Ffs!

CoriCelesti · 29/07/2021 15:57

@Pallisers

I think nobody's being U. I understand you wanting your privacy but I also understand her point of view because to say it wouldn't affect the children is just wishful thinking. The children's father was going through something traumatic; on some level the children would have been affected. She's shocked to have found out that her children were going through - albeit unconsciously - something, and she wasn't told anything at all about it.

That makes no sense to me. So everything traumatic the dad is going through must be shared with his ex? Serious issue at work? Sex life suddenly difficult? Argument with his brother? And since he might find his wife' problems traumatic too - her fight with her sister? Her having to go to a therapist to deal with some issues with her parents?

Where on earth would that end?

As for the "whatever the fuck this mysterious condition is" post from pommepomme. Do you go around with your friends berating them if they don't call you from the doctor's office when they get a diagnosis. Pissed when it might take a few weeks or months before they tell YOU. People are so bloody nosy and intrusive about other people's lives.

Pallisers, I think I love youGrin
phoenixrosehere · 29/07/2021 16:28

And that's what she did - the news became public via the fund raiser, and she contacted to ask if this had/has/will have any implications for the DC

No. She moaned about why she wasn’t told. Didn’t ask if OP was ok, just went straight to making it all about her not knowing something that wasn’t her business.

Obviously, if it had effected the children, she wouldn’t have had to ask such questions in the first place.

If OP’s condition had had any effect on the children before this surely the children would have noticed something and mentioned it to their mother depending on their age. Either it likely didn’t effect the children or it did and the children didn’t tell their mother for some reason. Either way, it doesn’t change the ex’s ridiculous reaction.

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