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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

464 replies

Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:01

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

OP posts:
Cominghome1230 · 28/07/2021 15:19

It is sad that your dad doesn't want to play with her and it is him missing out really. My dad is the same. Has never been interested in his grandchildren, never wanted to play etc and then seems puzzled as to why they no longer talk to him or approach him. They are all under 6.
It sounds like they are off home at the weekend, so I would try to grin and bear it and then not have them back for such a long period of time again.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 28/07/2021 15:21

They booked and told me.

How nice of them. 😬 Honestly OP, you’re a bloody saint for making it to 3 weeks.

MissyB1 · 28/07/2021 15:21

Op didn’t ask him to babysit, she was sat right there. Grandad didn’t have to entertain the little one, he could have moved anytime he liked, or said “Grandad’s having a rest now sweetie”. Instead he makes a martyr of himself for 45 minutes, then makes a passive aggressive remark and flounces off! Twattish behaviour and not in the slightest bit “funny”.

Is he one of these men who is rude but hides it behind a so called “joke”?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:21

@CraftyYankee That’s me, it continues. We’ve had lovely moments, but moments like these too. I’m ready for it to be me and Dd now, I don’t know, that comment was just mean I felt. I never want her to understand that or feel the rejection, you know? Perhaps I am too sensitive

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:24

@Tiddleztheelephant Fuck me. Again, we were all sat together, she’s chatting with him, mainly to him because she’s excited and loves her grandad, he’s playing as in drawing and being silly, we were all there, he has no sole responsibility, it wasn’t that hard. She jumps up and down trying to sort of hug him, he doesn’t reciprocate how I or dm or Dp do by hugging her when she’s clearly anchoring for that. I honestly don’t feel it’s too much to do that!

OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 28/07/2021 15:24

You said in your op that your daughter always wants to play with him. It does suck being the only one that a child wants to play with all the time so after a few weeks I can understand why he’s had enough. Unless your op was misleading and that’s not the case.

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2021 15:24

Perhaps I am too sensitive

I think you’re a bit unrealistic. Three week visits are too much.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/07/2021 15:25

If he makes another comment like that tell him you want a wage for running yourself ragged to look after them for three weeks.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:26

@FlyingPandas He hasn’t been her main entertainment for 3 weeks, he plays once per day perhaps and that’s forced on his part, I can feel it

OP posts:
Ooodlesofboodles · 28/07/2021 15:28

Sounds rubbish OP. Your Dad is an adult no need for snarky comments. On the plus side he recognises looking after small children is hard work!
Your DD sounds very sweet.

seashells11 · 28/07/2021 15:28

I don't understand all the "he was joking" comments. They're all missing the point. Obviously the Op knows he wasn't serious about wanting a wage, but he was letting it be known he thought it was tiresome, a chore to play with his grandchild. What a misery.

Sally872 · 28/07/2021 15:29

Have you ever got fed up playing with her? Sounds like a good grandad who has played a lot and perhaps a bit over it.

Love my children and neices and nephews. Love engaging in play for 5-10 mins then I am over it. If my nephew chose me as the favourite play mate after 45 mins I would tell my sister to take a turn (probably a lot less than that!) Not a reflection on my love for them, just my capacity to play with a small child.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:29

@SheABitSpicyToday She’s very excited because her grandparents are here, she does love to play with him as I said, doesn’t mean he plays with her all the time though. It’s probably once a day and I can tell that’s because he feels obligated. It’s a joke to them that when dp comes home after working hard all day that ‘Here’s daddy to play with you’ the minute he walks in

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 28/07/2021 15:30

From this and your previous thread it's clear you and your parents have very different outlooks and expectations. I'm afraid you're expecting them to behave like 'normal' loving grandparents. They won't, can't and never will.

SO you have a choice - put up with them as they are and continue to let them behave like this or not.

If you choose to put up with it then lower your expectations, remember they don't really like spending time with you and your dd - they're just using you as a free hotel - and develop a tough skin.

If you want things to change then only you can make the changes. I'd start with a very frank conversation at the end of their stay. Mum and Dad, your stay hasn't really worked for me. I get the impression you haven't really enjoyed yourselves either. It's been stressful and unpleasant for us all so in future I think we'd all find it much easier if you don't stay with me and dd (or only stay for a weekend or other alternative). If you want to come next year then let's talk nearer the time about a nice hotel.

The shit will hit but calling them out on their behaviour and asserting your own adult boundaries will help you deal with the feelings of hurt and rejection.

seashells11 · 28/07/2021 15:31

@JudgeJ

Are senses of humour removed at birth these days? I gave my 10 year old granddaughter her breakfast today and said That's £5.75 Madam, should I NC myself?
Not the same thing at all
Blossomtoes · 28/07/2021 15:32

The shit will hit

It may not. They might prefer a hotel. I know I would.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:32

@seashells11 That’s it, it hurts! More on her behalf, even though she doesn’t understand..yet. I totally get toddlers can be a pita and boring, I think the same but I’m with her 25/7, he barely really connects with her at all, there was no need for that comment. He could’ve even said it was tiring and a bit boring to me, I get it! But to say about a wage also implies to me that he thinks I’m palming her off on him? Am I wrong?

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 28/07/2021 15:33

I think the 'atmosphere' the OP talks about that happened afterwards is very telling.

Did you grow with that kind of strained silence / atmosphere stuff, @Bigdisappointment?

Sympathies, btw Flowers Must be a stressful visit.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:33

@Blossomtoes It they prefer it, then they should book then

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 28/07/2021 15:34

[quote Bigdisappointment]@Blossomtoes It they prefer it, then they should book then[/quote]
Perhaps they think OP would be hurt?

Wingedharpy · 28/07/2021 15:35

What was your Dad like when you were little OP?

SATSmadness · 28/07/2021 15:35

I'd be saying

"Yes, Women's work is much harder in reality than most men think it would be, isn't it ?"

   with a cheeky wink or head tilt thrown in !
Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 15:38

@SpindleWhorl I did and it still happens now when they come sometimes, often if they’ve argued or god knows what. I hate it and would much prefer everyone was open and just said what they felt. I’ve always been like this, I’m different in my family I guess, it’s complex.
But was the awkwardness from them being angry with me or what? I just don’t get it

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/07/2021 15:40

@Feedingthebirds1

You live near enough to a beach to have a day out there. You take them out to all sorts of places in a way you wouldn't do if it was just you and DD (ie every day). You do their washing and cooking. It sounds to me like your dad (maybe your mum, I don't know) expect this to be a three week holiday for them where they don't have to lift a finger. And even some time interacting with his granddaughter interferes with his right to be waited on hand and foot. Like other PPs I'd also ask if you invited them or if they invited themselves.

Time to put a stop to it. Don't invite them, or if they invite themselves tell them no. You're not a hotel, chef, chambermaid, waitress or coach tour driver. (Personally I'd be asking him what his problem is, but that's just me.)

I absolutely agree.

They would not be coming to stay again

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 28/07/2021 15:40

Bit late to the party but can see how that’s a mean comment :( it’s more the fact they don’t want to spend time with the kids - they don’t have to, but should say it kindly and clearly rather than making weird comments like this while you build up an image of what they are/aren’t willing to do. Friend’s in laws said they’d help babysit her baby DC in town while she shopped - turned up, said hi and literally walked off (smiling!)… later text saying they don’t really enjoy the time with the DC, didn’t even say strategically “but we might as she gets older!”. Some people are just a bit off tbh