Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

[Bigdisappointment]

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

@Mary46 Mum late 60’s, dad early 70’s

@wigjuice So sorry to hear that, it’s so unfair, sounds like you are doing the right thing 💐 X

@Ragwort They don’t visit so often, it’s more the length of time they visit. Due to covid etc, they’ve only really been able to come in summer, so they’ve booked to come twice and for longer.

They set in their ways I think op... shorter visits I think going forward. Families are hard going

@Mary46 Yes, it’s just how to say to them to come for shorter times without upsetting them.
Just had horrendous time as Dd very naughty at the moment, really wild and running around messing with the dog, with parents sat on sofa observing it all, it’s just so hard with people there and my dad chirping up ‘The dogs doing to bite her’ to me whilst I’m running round trying to discipline her. I ended up saying ‘Yes, I know!’ Which probably has set a bad tone now. Just can’t have others around with a toddler for this long

I think just be honest and say it too much as you trying keep eye on child too. You have put yourself first..

Can't you just say you need to work so can't host the way you usually do?

@Mary46

I think just be honest and say it too much as you trying keep eye on child too. You have put yourself first..

This with Bells on. Your dad seems to expect special treatment and to be compensated for everything he does. Whilst you are expected to wait on them and entertain them all the time. Part of the entertainment seems to be sitting watching you trying to deal with an active toddler and criticising you. You need to tell it to them straight. In writing if necessary since they don't seem to listen to you. Booking without asking first is a giant No No. Are you and DH going on holiday this year?

Why do you feel bad telling them not to come for their next visit? They clearly don't feel bad about upsetting you!
It doesn't matter that they've booked it already - they've had a holiday, which is more than a lot of people are getting this year. I'm sure they could find the equivalent of a Premier Inn and of it costs them money, they might learn to appreciate all that you've provided so far.
Sorry if I've missed it, but do you have a partner who could deal with this for you? I would do this for my DH if he had cheeky fucker relatives who were taking advantage of his good nature and he'd do it for me.

Is it time for a "this isn't working
is it?" conversation?

I really think it would be better for your relationship to tell them they can't come back again so soon than to have them again as you sound like you're at breaking point. They need to atleast get a hotel, they don't seem to appreciate their imposition at all.

OP putting this incident aside it seems like time to re-evaluate your relationship with your parents. You feel obliged to accede to their every demand and would feel enormous guilt if you said no, which is why you never do. You are sorted in all other areas of your life, but you almost revert to a child around them, wanting their love and approval and involvement in your life. But sometimes it doesn't work like that, and parental love comes with strings or conditions attached.

I recommend reading 'Out of the FOG' www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic/dp/099959351X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21. Your situation might not be as bad as some people experience, but some of it will ring bells. You'll have a better understanding of the relationship, and learn to understand your response to it and how to handle it.

Good luck.

[quote Bigdisappointment]@Zilla1 This next one is only in 3 weeks time so there’s no changing it now. Following that I will tell them for next time for sure. The main thing is not booking dates first without the go ahead and no more than two weeks stay (I have actually said this before as they once stayed for just over 3 weeks) and also only once over the summer.[/quote]
"Mum and Dad, I know you find it a bit stressful being with a toddler all the time.
And I'm worried about her tiring you out.
Please book somewhere else to stay for your visit in 3 weeks time."

Don't cave if they protest that it's all fine.

It won't get any better OP, you need to say something to them now, before they leave, and see it through.

[quote Bigdisappointment]@Zilla1 This next one is only in 3 weeks time so there’s no changing it now. Following that I will tell them for next time for sure. The main thing is not booking dates first without the go ahead and no more than two weeks stay (I have actually said this before as they once stayed for just over 3 weeks) and also only once over the summer.[/quote]
No.
The next one might be in 3 weeks time but there is still plenty of time to change the arrangement.
Tell them NOW not to expect the same type of service. They HAVE to pitch in.
This is YOUR house. This is YOUR family. They are visitors at this point. They clearly do NOT want to be the doting grandparents but do want a free place to stay.
Nope. Not happening.
They can cancel the next visit if what you say to them doesn't sit well and then you can gather yourself and be ready for their 'demands'.

Stand up for yourself woman! Jesus wept! I thought you were in your early 20's and you were a bit afraid of your parents. You are in your 40's for goodness sake.
For your sake and the sake of your own family (I cannot understand how your DH has managed to stay with you if you are such a wimp when it comes to your parents, if the roles were reversed we'd be telling the poster to leave her husband as he hasn't got a spine or any gumption to stand up to his parents) deal with this BEFORE your parents leave.

Also, you could have posted on the other thread and given an update or were you trying to present yourself as a different poster so we wouldn't join the dots and realise that you still haven't stood up to your parents yet?

I do not 'get' people who claim to be really mature and wouldn't take this type of crap from colleagues but when it's their parents, they revert to being a child and a wimpish one at that.

Normally I would apologise for coming across as harsh but Jesus woman, do yourself a favour and deal with this once and for all!

Thank you all so much for your feedback, just an awful day and just feeling weirdly emotional and a bit exhausted. We’ve been out everyday, which with dd we don’t generally do, we have some days at home normally. Tomorrow I’m being clear I’m staying in with her. She’s very overtired and excitable and difficult to control at the moment

@LookItsMeAgain Ok.

No I wasn’t trying to present myself as someone else, I didn’t generally want to go into the whole thing again and just wanted some perspective on the incident today.

It’s all very complex and likely goes back a long way. Ingrained habits are hard to change, but since Dd came along, I’m starting to see things more and more clearly

@Bigdisappointment - You might be seeing things more clearly but how about being more clear with your parents??

"Sorry guys, I know you were hoping to come back in 3 weeks and stay for another 3 weeks but I think we can all agree that this visit just hasn't worked. If you still plan on coming, I think you should book into a B&B or a hotel for that visit, as I will not be able to have you here".

How difficult is that to tell them both????

Really???

Just read all your comments via the see all button and YANBU. Essentially what has happened is your parents wanted to take a nice holiday to see you abroad, not even taking into consideration you have a young child and that asking would be nice but instead telling you they are coming. Then they come and you skivvy around making sure the house is clean, taking them places to show them around, making dinner every day etc and they have the bloody cheek to act like this. I would be massively pissed off with this. You aren’t palming DD off to them whilst you go off galavanting, you’re cooking for them in your own home whilst she is understandably excited to see them and is wanting to chat away and play with them... and they’re making it obvious they don’t want to even do that. And on top of all that silently judging your parenting! 3 weeks is far too long for them to be in the presence of a toddler they don’t have the energy to want to be with, and also far too long for you to try to keep your DD quiet. It’s her house, she should be as loud or playful as she wants, it’s not fair on her to try to keep her quiet just to keep the peace.

Can you not (whilst DD is napping or asleep) sit them down and explain that you don’t feel comfortable with this arrangement as 1) they didn’t ask you before making plans and 2) they are making you feel as though they don’t want your DD around them, which is unfair on her as ITS HER HOUSE and she is simply excited to see them. I would make it clear that if they would prefer not to be in the presence of a wild toddler then they are welcome to go out for walks and stuff regularly to give themselves some space

Ah posted too soon! They can go on walks or something during this visit regularly to get away and to give you some time to calm DD down. And please for your DDs sake explain that you don’t feel this arrangement is working and so it’s not suitable for them to book another visit!! They are welcome to visit you but must stay in a hotel as DD needs some space to calm down and your parents need some space away from her as they clearly struggle with it. Stand up for yourself!!! Do you want your DD to pick up on this dynamic where they are annoyed at her? She will as she gets older if you always let them stay with you. Children aren’t stupid

Funny how all the people on here just know he was joking, despite never having met the man. I'd say the OP knows him better than you do.
They sound really unpleasant people.
I tend to think visitors are like fish; after three days, they stink.

I wasn't sure if you were the same person with the 3 week and then the 2 week visit.

It is 100% clear they are coming for a holiday. They want a holiday experience for them at your expense in £ and time.

You need to put in boundaries and do not host them again.

Stop accommodating them, they amuse themselves they go eat out and leave you and DD and home etc etc.

I agree firm boundaries. My mother dictates the pace so nobody brings her away!!! You be run ragged op if this keeps on. Is your husb not backing you up.

Are you the person whose parents were coming for two separate, burdensome visits? Your parents sound like hard work. I do not think it is asking too much for them to interact pleasantly with your daughter during the day. They are guests in her home! It is not babysitting and for your father to equate the two is a bit much. Also, since this is her home, she has a right to play in it, so keeping her quiet all the time is unnecessary. If your dad finds it such a burden to have a normal toddler around, he can make his visits shorter. Sounds like a win-win to me.

His saying, or implying, that he ought to be paid for playing with her for short periods is not something I would be inclined to put up with. It's completely unacceptable to come into someone's home and act as if the presence and attention of one of the residents is an unwanted imposition. And, what kind of grandparent says that about their grandchild? Ugh.

I know it can be hard to stand up to one's own parents, but I think the very least you should force yourself to do is to say, "In future, you will need to ask me BEFORE you buy tickets to see me, whether the dates and times will work for me. Not tell me, but ask me. If I say it's not a good time, you need to understand that if you go ahead and book those tickets, you may not be able to stay in my home. Also, regarding my daughter, I understand you don't enjoy her company but I'm her mother and it is rude and insulting to me that you make it so obvious that you dislike spending time with her. If you cannot tolerate spending time with her then no one is forcing you to come here."

You can modify this to wording that works better for you but I think you need to get these two basic points across.

No advice, but in the same boat as you. It's hard to accept that this is what their relationship will be like.

@nonotmenotI Sorry it’s the same for you, just feels crappy, doesn’t it? Feel so tired tonight and just the fact don’t feel supported or helped really

When you have visitors even parents you tell them how long they are staying for not vv. You sound a bit passive. If 3 weeks is too long you say "no that's not convenient I'd prefer just 1 week. " I think your father sounds a bit insensitive but just because your toddler wants to play with him constantly it doesn't follow that he wants to play with her. Few older men really do "playing". Was he playful with you? I'm not sure why he is more of a novelty than your mum if they visit together. I don't think most visitors think of their visits as designed to give their host a break. They usually see their visit as a holiday which is why prolonged visits can be draining. It sounds as though you could do with a part time job and a nursery if you feel you never get a break from your child. I presume the father isn't interested