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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not giving my friend a lift home?

406 replies

Acey68 · 26/07/2021 20:05

My friend and I were at a mutual friends house to watch the WC final. I drove as I don't live too close (30 mins drive or so). My other friend lives a 15 minute bus ride away in the opposite direction to me and caught the bus there. She doesn't drive and planned to get an Uber home back to hers at the end of the night.
When the game finished and she attempted to get a taxi she noticed that the surcharge meant the taxi fare had doubled it's usual price. She asked me if I would mind giving her a lift home due to this, as she didn't want to pay the pricey taxi fare.
I said that I didn't really feel comfortable driving her home as I had 2 small glasses of wine over the course of the evening with a dinner, so was in that grey area where I was likely fine (felt fine) but for me I didn't want to spend longer in the car then I had to, just in case. She lives very centrally in the middle of a main high street with lots of pubs, bars and drunk people inevitably falling out of them and probably a higher police presence and traffic after the game and taking her home would have added 30 mins to my journey time.
I just wanted to get on the road and head back. I told her I would give her a lift to the bus stop and wait with her (once on the bus it takes her to her door in the middle of the high street she lives on, so no long walks) or offered to go halves on the taxi with her which she refused as she said the price was ridiculous and she wouldn't take my money for it.
She's been very off with me since and it came out the other day how disappointed with me, I am a selfish friend, she doesn't buy the excuse I gave, this shows I am only interested in myself and not helping others etc etc
As far as I see a lift is a favour not to be expected, and found myself having to justify why I didn't want to take her home. (She caught the bus in the end and it was fine)
We had a big fight and I'm upset and questioning myself now. AIBU?

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 00:04

@goingtotown

My friends take it for granted that I’m driving them home, because I don’t drink. There's never a mention of petrol money or the fact that I get back home later than them. It’s an awkward situation to say no. I just want to get in my car & drive home, not be a free taxi service.
Could you leave half an hour before everyone else?
BackforGood · 27/07/2021 00:05

But Desnol it is a limit and not a target.

Any alcohol - even if under the limit because you are a heavier person - is likely to change your reaction fractionally. Trouble is, you never know when that fraction might end up taking someone's life, or giving them life changing injuries. 2 glasses poured in a home, without a pub measure is pretty likely to be more than two units. Let's not forget wine is now often about 14% alcohol.

I'm surprised how many self-righteous or ignorant posters there are on MN. Some of them are downright vicious, some are downright wrong and some are both!

Being sensible doesn't make anyone self righteous.
I don't think you'll find people saying 'don't drink and drive are the ones being ignorant on this thread.

I've not seen anyone "being vicious"

whynotwhatknot · 27/07/2021 00:14

Whats a small glass how do you know the measurements you had you were pouring youself not with a measure and anyway different wine has different strengths

all you had to do was say no sorry its out of my way not shit excuses about drink driving

Antwerpen · 27/07/2021 00:16

YABVVU to drive at all in these circumstances Hmm

Disneyblue · 27/07/2021 00:22

[quote Desnol]@Acey68
I'm surprised how many self-righteous or ignorant posters there are on MN. Some of them are downright vicious, some are downright wrong and some are both!

First, about being over the limit in England:- you are over the legal limit if you have 80mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood or 35 micrograms of alcohol per 100ml of breath. Whether you are over the limit or not depends on how much you weigh, what your metabolism is like, whether you had it with food or on an empty stomach, how stressed or tired you feel and how long ago you last had a drink.

All that business about being over the limit after two small glasses of wine, is just a rule of thumb for an average weight person. Those posters who think the limit is measured in glasses of wine or units, are plain ignorant. You can find "calculators on the internet to help you check whether you are over or under the limit, enter your weight, how much alcohol you had and when you drank the last of the wine. Some calculators will tell you the rough time when you should be OK to drive legally. If that's a couple of hours away, then leave your car keys and get a taxi home.

Unless you are really skinny and thin, two small glasses of wine taken over a period of 3 hours or so with a meal, probably with a coffee afterwards, the chances are good that you were well under the limit.

As for your friend's request. Does she often ask you for rides? Or very rarely or never? My answer would depend on that. If she doesn't usually ask you for a ride, then perhaps she felt afraid to use Uber or public transport on her own, or perhaps she wanted to have a private chat with you about something confidential. There's no black or white answer here either, you have to use your judgement.

When I passed my driving test and bought my very first car, I used to drive it everywhere, including to parties. But the downside was that I wouldn't be able to drink, parties are no fun when you've been on orange juice all evening and everyone else is very merry, and - to top it all - at the end of the party, everyone would be expecting me to give them a lift home. People who've had a few too many are very quick to ask for a ride. Rather inconsiderate of them. I soon got fed up with that, and simply stopped using my car to go anywhere where wine was going to be on the menu - you just end up not enjoying yourself and providing a free taxi service at the end. I completely understand that you said no.

As for your reason for not driving your friend home, that was a poor, lame sounding excuse. You should have explained that you were really tired and just couldn't drive her home tonight. Rather than offering to pay half her fare, you could have asked her, will she have enough money for the Uber, you'll gladly lend her the money if she was short.

I'm assuming that you hadn't offered to drive your friend home beforehand, and that the her request to drive her home was out of the blue.[/quote]
I echo all of this.

Erwhatno · 27/07/2021 00:29

Yes. Yabvu.

Ponoka7 · 27/07/2021 00:48

@entropynow

"You are being unreasonable for drinking 2 glasses of wine and driving."
"With a meal and over the course of an evening one would be well under the limit."

It's a myth that in terms of legal limits, food helps. It takes longer to process the alcohol if you eat. If you aren't driving, it's better to eat, but you will be over the limit longer with food. Glass sizes vary and it takes at least an hour per unit. So the OP would have to wait over an hour after her last drink.

OP, the mood was volatile out, I got the bus home from a very safe area. It was crowded, people were drunk and some were looking to argue. As we went through busier areas things were kicking off. It would have been 10.45 pm, or gone 11pm? I wouldn't have let a friend go home on her own, through a city centre after a big match.

Mwnci123 · 27/07/2021 01:01

YANBU. I think your friend is being entitled and unreasonable.

HollaHolla · 27/07/2021 01:25

YABU as you shouldn’t have driven anywhere.
It’s not that you would be under the limit because you only drive home - and over if you’d taken her.
Do not drink and drive. It’s easy.

Beline4u · 27/07/2021 01:42

You were being unreasonable for drinking and driving!! Then used it as a shitty excuse to not leave your friend home. Regardless if it was out of my way, I would always leave a friend home, BUT I would also never drink and drive.

Beline4u · 27/07/2021 01:47

@BackforGood Yes!! Agreed!

BadLad · 27/07/2021 02:55

@Famousinlove

wc final as in world cup? I voted YABU but if she's held a grudge since 2018 she's BU
Could have been 2019, which had the Women's Football World Cup, the Men's Cricket World Cup and the Men's Rugby World Cup.

Or WC could stand for Wimbledon Championships, so it has only been a few weeks.

RogerBannister · 27/07/2021 05:45

In your second post you said you didn’t drink four hours before driving. Match finished what, 1045, 11-ish? So you didn’t drink after about 7? In your first post you said you drank two glasses ‘over the course of the evening’. Both can’t be true. So either you didn’t drink in the evening and you just couldn’t be arsed to give your mate a lift (which is fair enough) or you did drink within your ‘4 hour window’.

IonaLeg · 27/07/2021 06:01

@Acey68

I mean grey area in the sense that how can anyone really know unless you drink nothing? Which I appreciate is preferable, but I planned what amount I could drink to be safe and under the limit and then had dinner on top of that and didn't drink 4 hours before driving. Not in the sense that 'oh gosh I feel half cut, but I should be fine'. Surely I can't be the only one who has had a drink earlier in the evening with dinner and then driven much later??
As I said - you’re either sober enough to driver anywhere, or not sober enough to drive at all. If you were able to drive home, you were able to drive your friend home.

That doesn’t mean you were obligated to give her a lift. You could still have said no. But if it’s true that you felt it was dangerous to drive her home, you were unforgivably reckless to drive yourself home. And if you were fine to drive yourself home, alcohol wasn’t the reason you couldn’t drive her home, and she will obviously know that. That’s why she’s annoyed.

Gooseberrypies · 27/07/2021 06:04

@Wheretobuy

Last night, two drivers swerved into my lane right in front of my car on the motor way. YABVVVU
So?
LowlandLucky · 27/07/2021 06:12

1, you are not her friend
2, you have no regard for other peoples lives, drink drivers like you are despicable.

onelittlefrog · 27/07/2021 06:33

Not unreasonable to not want to give her a lift.

But as others have said, alcohol is a poor excuse. You can either drive or you can't.

You can't be sober enough to drive safely for half an hour but not an hour. That's crazy.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 07:29

Jeez, the friend expected a lift and took for granted she'd get one, even after the offer of money and a person waiting at a bus stop with her, she still laid into you. She's not a friend.

Also I don't know how much OP drank but if I had even one small glass that put me UNDER the limit I'd still avoid any unnecessary driving as I know even a small 'allowed' level affects me. I'm just a careful driver that way to the point I generally never have any alcohol whatsoever on a day I'm driving. That's my right and a friend should respect that.

Obviously it'd be VU to drive if over the limit. But doesn't excuse your friend being a real piece of work either.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 07:32

[quote Ponoka7]@entropynow

"You are being unreasonable for drinking 2 glasses of wine and driving."
"With a meal and over the course of an evening one would be well under the limit."

It's a myth that in terms of legal limits, food helps. It takes longer to process the alcohol if you eat. If you aren't driving, it's better to eat, but you will be over the limit longer with food. Glass sizes vary and it takes at least an hour per unit. So the OP would have to wait over an hour after her last drink.

OP, the mood was volatile out, I got the bus home from a very safe area. It was crowded, people were drunk and some were looking to argue. As we went through busier areas things were kicking off. It would have been 10.45 pm, or gone 11pm? I wouldn't have let a friend go home on her own, through a city centre after a big match.[/quote]
But she offered to go halves on the über, so the friend would have been able to be in a taxi.

So she didn't 'let' her friend go home on a bus, she literally was going to put her hand in her own pocket to enable the friend to go home in a taxi.

Strictly1 · 27/07/2021 07:47

You'd not be a friend of mine for the drink driving - end of.

Terhou · 27/07/2021 07:53

Maybe you are, not a single drop of alcohol passes my lips if I'm driving. I'd rather keep my licence and not be responsible for any accidents I might have

Good for you, but that's not what the law says. Nor does failing to drink automatically exempt you from responsibility for accidents.

tommmanndjjerrry · 27/07/2021 07:58

Yabu

You were clearly feeling fine to drive, you just didn't want to help her.

Herecomesthesun70 · 27/07/2021 08:02

I would never have met my friend go on a bus if I had a car. 30 minutes isn't long.
Ignoring your reason behind it which is poor

SmokeyDevil · 27/07/2021 08:03

@Acey68

I mean grey area in the sense that how can anyone really know unless you drink nothing? Which I appreciate is preferable, but I planned what amount I could drink to be safe and under the limit and then had dinner on top of that and didn't drink 4 hours before driving. Not in the sense that 'oh gosh I feel half cut, but I should be fine'. Surely I can't be the only one who has had a drink earlier in the evening with dinner and then driven much later??
Funny how it changes now because everyone is telling you how stupid you are. You are unreasonable and a bad friend, and really just a bad person. You probably knew you would be over the limit if the police stopped you, but as long as you get home it's fine right? Hmm I mean if you really weren't over the limit, why couldn't you take her home? Just prefer to let her take a bus and potentially get mugged or anything rather than inconvenience you?

Just hope you never kill anyone because of your selfishness. Try and think about that in future. Don't drink and drive.

Aprilx · 27/07/2021 08:03

@Polkadots2021

Jeez, the friend expected a lift and took for granted she'd get one, even after the offer of money and a person waiting at a bus stop with her, she still laid into you. She's not a friend.

Also I don't know how much OP drank but if I had even one small glass that put me UNDER the limit I'd still avoid any unnecessary driving as I know even a small 'allowed' level affects me. I'm just a careful driver that way to the point I generally never have any alcohol whatsoever on a day I'm driving. That's my right and a friend should respect that.

Obviously it'd be VU to drive if over the limit. But doesn't excuse your friend being a real piece of work either.

The friend didn’t expect a lift or take it from granted, not even the OP said that. The friend asked for a lift only when she had problems with organising her own ride home. It was a short drive, 15 minute on a bus is a fraction of that in a car. Most people would provide a lift to a friend, OP is obviously no friend.