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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not inviting MIL?

143 replies

thatllberight · 26/07/2021 09:25

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

OP posts:

QueenAdreena · 26/07/2021 09:27

She’s being ridiculous. Just reiterate to her what you’ve said here. There are only three spaces, you can’t help that.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 09:27

Just tell her what you’ve said, that it’s only three folks and as your mother is here and likes the hobby you’d agreed that, and that otherwise you’d love to habe her there.

Newnames123 · 26/07/2021 09:29

YANBU.... just say sorry this time you cannot come and offer to come to next show.

JudgeJ · 26/07/2021 09:29

Is your mother always allowed to be involved for more than your mother in law? That's the usual way things are done, my mother was never involved in things for my brother's children, unless money was wanted, and she was very hurt on occasions, it was the reason that we always made sure that we involved both grandmothers whenever possible.

pleasedonttextmyman · 26/07/2021 09:31

You cannot magic more tickets

and it would be extremely rude to dump your own visiting DM to take MIL.

MIL will have to get over it, even if she is miffed the world doesn't revolve around her. You did nothing wrong and you explained very well.

vivainsomnia · 26/07/2021 09:32

I think you went about it in a way that would indeed be seen as rude and unkind. How involved is she normally in DD's life? Likely more than your DM if she lives further away.

You say she isn't interested in her hobby yet she asked to go as soon as your DD mentioned it, so she is interested.

In your shoes, the first thing I would have done is contact the organiser and ask if in exceptional circumstances, they would agree to one more person. If not, I would taken the initiative to explain to her the situation and why it meant so much for your mum to go, and that she would otherwise be home alone.

It was obvious your DD would mentioned in at some point. It really wasn't nice to be told about it and then when saying you'd love to go, to be told, no sorry, my mum is more important.

PamTheSpam · 26/07/2021 09:32

She's probably feeling a bit embarrassed by assuming she was invited. Id approach it with kindness. You can't change anything

frazzledasarock · 26/07/2021 09:34

@JudgeJ have you read the OP at all?

OP specifically says

‘there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple .’

So OP’s mother has not been to any shows and plays whereas MIL has been to lots.

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 09:34

Did you explain there were only three tickets?

It’s not like you can magic up any more!!

You’ve seen your PIL yesterday, your FIL rang last night and MIL is coming round today-it sounds like you already see them loads!

Noshowwithoutpunch · 26/07/2021 09:34

If it's mentioned I'd just say that my Mum is coming as she's not been to a show/school play before and stress there are only 3 tickets.
Your DH should have stopped this in it's tracks and said this rather than pass on their comments to you.

Babdoc · 26/07/2021 09:35

You could contact the event organiser to ask if there are any spare tickets, eg another child’s working parent unable to attend, and obtain that for MIL.

Even if there are none available, you will be able to tell MIL that you tried to get an extra ticket, which may mollify her.
Ultimately she will just have to get over it, but perhaps you could invite her to the next one, or have some other outing with her.

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 09:36

Sounds like you live close by your MIL, presumably that's what your DH wanted while your mother has to actually come up for visits. Is that not enough for your MIL?

Original poster

thatllberight · 26/07/2021 09:36

For those asking, DM is more involved with DC than MIL, despite living further away. PILs have more than enough opportunity to be more involved but choose not to- that's another story. MIL definitely not got the same interest as DM. No option to ask for more tickets, numbers are limited due to covid restrictions. I didn't think of explaining the situation further to MIL at the time as she just nodded when I said DM was coming, but DH explained to FIL when he called later.

OP posts:

Soberanne · 26/07/2021 09:39

I understand where your MIL is coming from, you say on one hand that shes not interested but has been previously and offered to go immediately. Shes maybe feeling pushed out because your own mum just happens to be coming that day. Would your MIL have attended if you mum wasn't here and would your mum have travelled just to see your daughter do her hobby.

I know there is very little you can do, so i would just explain to MIL that your mum has this opportunity and promise her that she can go next time. Maybe ask her if she would like to do something else with your daughter instead.

NameChange2PostThis · 26/07/2021 09:39

@thatllberight I think you have been unkind in your communication. But presumably your DH passed on the message to you. He needs to deal with it instead. He should either give up his ticket to his DM (MiL) or explain why she can’t have it. In future, you might want to think about how to land news so that you don’t upset your in-laws. Surely you could have foreseen she would feel excluded?

Soberanne · 26/07/2021 09:40

Has your daughter any friends participating in the same event who may have a spare ticket and maybe you or your husband go could go in allocation.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 26/07/2021 09:41

She’s being ridiculous. Don’t worry and if she mentions it just set it out as you did here.

If she escalates and refuses to accept it, ask her if she is saying everything should be equal between both grandparents, that might give her pause, and if it doesn’t and she agrees, say that to your way of thinking it’s petty and ridiculous, but in that case your mum has a bit of catching up to do so MIL will have to duck out if the next couple of things too until your mum “catches up”.

Obviously don’t carry that out, but it might make her see how unreasonable she is being.

Sssloou · 26/07/2021 09:43

Urgh…..getting the FIL to call to complain on her behalf……I suspect that she is emotionally inadequate and has form for entitled tantrums, sulks and manipulating others into drama she manufactures.

Is she not capable of communicating like an adult there and then to say something like - I would have loved to go - hopefully there will be another opportunity. etc

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 09:44

@Soberanne
Sorry why do you think the OP should be wracking her brains trying to come up with a solution to placate this woman? Her MIL lives local and has loads of opportunity to see her grandkids. Her mum lives further away and has an interest in this hobby therefore she gets the extra ticket, end of. The MIL needs to grow up.

Original poster

thatllberight · 26/07/2021 09:44

I think in hindsight I feel bad about saying "oh sorry DM is up that day, so she's going" rather than properly explaining the limit on numbers etc. DH explained this all to FIL but MIL is still upset with me.

OP posts:

pleasedonttextmyman · 26/07/2021 09:44

@vivainsomnia

I think you went about it in a way that would indeed be seen as rude and unkind. How involved is she normally in DD's life? Likely more than your DM if she lives further away.

You say she isn't interested in her hobby yet she asked to go as soon as your DD mentioned it, so she is interested.

It was obvious your DD would mentioned in at some point. It really wasn't nice to be told about it and then when saying you'd love to go, to be told, no sorry, my mum is more important.

you know we are talking about. grown-up woman, don't you? No need to go into ridiculous lengths like that.

The OP was nowhere rude or unkind!

And it's puzzling that you think being closer means she is more involved
If nothing else, it explains why the grand-parent living further has priority on the one time they are around.

TwoLeftElbows · 26/07/2021 09:45

YANBU and although it's a pain this time, it is so lovely for your daughter that they both want to see the performance. We gave up inviting GPs years back.

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 09:45

@thatllberight
Well she needs to get over herself. Dont lose any more thought over it

pleasedonttextmyman · 26/07/2021 09:46

she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before

sounds like she wants to score points and be the "first" and more important grand-parent, and it's all about her, not about the child.

People like her are exhausting.

Maray1967 · 26/07/2021 09:46

Just tell her that she’s been to X number of shows/plays but your mum hasn’t been to any yet so she’s going this time.
If she still thinks it’s not fair then you have a problem as any normal person would see that you are being fair.

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