For not inviting MIL?

[thatllberight]

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

@Feedingthebirds1

If she's not very interested in day to day stuff with your DD, and doesn't take you up on your invitations, is she a performance grandparent? Does she go to the shows so that she can post on SM (with or without photos) that she's seen her brilliant DGD dancing in a show and what a proud grandmother she is, when the usual reality is that she's not that bothered?

I read all the OP's posts and wondered the same thing.

And yes MIL has form for not communicating well then getting FIL to call and give me (because inevitably it's always me in the wrong) a hard time about whatever it is, then after I explain/apologise she holds a grudge.

This is really shocking. I am so sorry that you have endured this dreadful treatment.

She is emotionally inadequate and is unable to appropriately regulate her behavior in an adult way. She is always on the look out for perceived slights and everything is taken as “offence”. She then has to emotionally discharge this because she is unable to process and regulate herself - and guess where that gets projected - on to you - her scapegoat and target of blame.

She has trained up her DH and DS to do her bidding. They unconsciously do this because they are terrified of any impending kick off - so they go into instant action mode to placate her and you get thrown under the bus time and time again.

You need to know that this is not your issue - that your DH needs clearer boundaries with her and to get over his own triggered discomfort and deal with her calmly and assertively like you would a toddler, with consequences and moving on. He also needs to do this with his DF to break this chain of nonsense that they all dump down on you.

Stop with the constant invitations and accommodations which I suspect she enjoys rejecting. Also role model calm, confident, boundaried behaviour for your DD to see when you are interacting with MIL. Do not inadvertently teach your DD to be a people pleaser doormat to difficult characters. That’s a life of misery ahead. She needs to learn to sense when boundaries are pushed/people are difficult and to assertively and politely stand her ground and move on from difficult people if they are not respectful.

There's nothing more annoying than something that is intended to be kind ( including MIL) that somehow gets flipped to being expected behaviour. So the invite is no longer seen as kind but the norm, and a lack of invite becomes a reason to pick a fight.
My DM did this to any event that had a repeat. A single invite became a lifelong commitment - and gave her the right to have a go at me of she wasn't invited next time around. This was school events, days out, trips to the cinema, Xmas stuff. It got to the point where I stopped inviting her to things because it all just became ammunition for her to have a go at me.
It got so bad that one day she had a go at me for not inviting her to events that weren't actually happening. Bizarre....
And to be e moral of the story is; no kind deed ever goes unpunished.

@Sssloou

Another wondeful post but what if its too late and possible dd is already in this "everyone please queen Mil drama"

How would ops dd deal with thus if there was direct contact between the them m

It’s never too late to shift gear emotionally. If the OP becomes calmly assertive and confident around MIL (and other people) her DD will learn that taking this stance in life is comfortable and effective.

The OP can also have regular informal chats with her DD about all sorts of interactions with all sorts of people that the DD encounters to ask how she felt etc and help her navigate the social world - doesn’t have to be MIL specific. I am assuming that the DD is young - so she will likely come up across lots of learning opportunities with her friends any the same values, boundaries and behaviours apply to the adults in her life as well. No need to single the MIL out.

How did the visit from MiL work out for you @thatllberight?

And yes MIL has form for not communicating well then getting FIL to call and give me (because inevitably it's always me in the wrong) a hard time about whatever it is, then after I explain/apologise she holds a grudge.

Could have written this about my own in laws. Absolutely exhausting stuff x

@LookItsMeAgain MIL didn't come, she was "too tired from all the upset"
I explained to FIL who did come, I said I realised I should have explained the restricted numbers at the time, that DM was already coming on that day so we thought it made sense for her to come, that I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities for MIL to come to similar events in the future and I was sorry for any upset I had inadvertently caused. I am a bit of a people pleaser (thanks DM!) and prone to apologising even when I am conscious the other party is being a little unreasonable themselves. FIL said it's ok, he felt MIL had overreacted, she'd be fine in a few days. So no change really but at least I've said what I needed to I suppose.

OP, I don’t think you were rude or insensitive. It’s natural to expect that visiting GP gets priority ( unless this GP visits every week 🙂) .

@NameChange2PostThis
Do you really think the child's father should be banned from the first performance in probably at least a year because grandma has chucked a strop?
And we wonder why so many mothers are stuck with all the child admin!

She's coming over later?

Here's what I'd do. Go out, and let DH deal with her.

MIL didn't come, she was "too tired from all the upset"

Of course she was - what a ridiculous woman.

And so she drags it out further …. what a crock of shit! She is now holding this over you all for a another few days whilst you all scurry around, hand wringing and trying to placate her whilst walking on eggshells.

Don’t let this character continue to suck the joy and ease from your lives and throw her shadow and tantrums on your family events.

How much of your headspace, emotional energy and time does this character drain?

Don’t let her have it.

See it as ridiculous pantomime with her as Widow Twanky - and everyone else triggered into activity and angst by her moods. This is v controlling behaviour.

Step well out of it - shift the dynamic and don’t engage, indulge or tolerate her nonsense or the associated nonsense of your FIL and DH.

They are all disrespecting you.

Why on earth are you tangled up in some grovelling complex apology to this idiot.

So FIL thinks she is being daft. DH thinks she is being daft.

Tell DH that from now on he can manage her 'daft' as you don't need to be double thinking yourself to avoid such ridiculous upset again!

And then never go there or have her round without DH being there. Always be pleasant but don't share information unless you actually are inviting MIL to join in.

You say MIL isn't interested in the hobby but she obviously is interested in her granddaughter. I watched lots of gymnastics events and soccer games - not interested in either but I went because my grandchildren were playing.

You told MIL she couldn't go because your DM was going. MIL told FIL and FIL told DH and DH told you and you told DH to explain to FIL who then explained to MIL who is still upset (according to what FIL says to DH. Maybe if YOU called MIL yourself instead of playing telegraph...?

Hear hear at ssss

Op your going to have to change your stragety with this woman!

[quote LittleOwl153]@NameChange2PostThis
Do you really think the child's father should be banned from the first performance in probably at least a year because grandma has chucked a strop?
And we wonder why so many mothers are stuck with all the child admin![/quote]
@LittleOwl153 Whilst I do think op dropped herself in it by failing to communicate clearly and sensitively in the first place, I entirely agree that too many mum’s are left to manage all the child admin. This is why I suggest this course of action. I never suggested the child’s father should be banned. But the MiL’s distress was communicated by him to op as if it’s her problem to fix. But the problem is his mother so he needs to fix it. Either by re-explaining or by stepping aside and giving his ticket to his mother. His circus, his monkeys. If he won’t forgo his ticket, he needs to deal with any histrionics- not leave op to manage the fall-out.

FIL said it's ok, he felt MIL had overreacted, she'd be fine in a few days.
Good. If she mentions it again, she can check with her DH and DS instead of giving you a hard time.

I hope your DD and DM have a good time (even if it's only 20mins) and enjoy their shared hobby and you and DH obvs

Leave MIL to sulk.

I used to look after GS for 2 days a week when DIL was working. When he started school I picked him up every day, had him at weekends when DS and DDIL wanted a break. First Christmas at school arrived, limited tickets so DS DDIL and her mother went. Her mother had never picked him up from school, never had him for weekends. I was hurt. 12 years later it still annoys me.

I look forward to my DD having children (fingers crossed) and not being in the 2nd division.

Ancientgran- can I just check please, what was your son doing while you were doing childcare so that your DIL could work? I'm assuming he wasn't working too, otherwise I assume you'd have written that you were doing childcare for them both.

@longdistanceclaraaa

Ancientgran- can I just check please, what was your son doing while you were doing childcare so that your DIL could work? I'm assuming he wasn't working too, otherwise I assume you'd have written that you were doing childcare for them both.

There's no need for that. You know very well what the pp is getting at.

I know precisely what she was getting at. And in my view there is a clear need to tackle this type of sexism

Just explain the situation and tell her that she will be top of the list for his next one.

Ancient gran you saw the nursery invite as special and perhaps a read for them constant work with your gc.

I don't know why the other parent didn't do more every day help but... Perhaps your dil wanted to get her mum involved because your so involved and perhaps have a better bond??

If my mum couidnt look after dc in the week and my dm felt sad or pushed out I may invite her to the nursery show to balance it out?

Read /reward

Long distance, absolutely... Too many women can't seem to to talk to me their adult sons then blame the dil.