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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not inviting MIL?

143 replies

thatllberight · 26/07/2021 09:25

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

OP posts:
longdistanceclaraaa · 26/07/2021 12:42

Can I ask why it is the DIL's job to deal with any inferiority complex of the paternal grandmother? Honestly, you would think we worked, had our own relationships with family and friends to maintain, and had children to look after. I cannot fathom why, in this day and age, some in the older generation of woman think that the younger generation are responsible for things because they have ovaries that the younger generation of man is also perfectly capable of doing .

Relationships with both sides of grandparent can be perfectly kind without the younger generation of mother taking on responsibility for all when her husband is perfectly capable of maintaining a relationship with his own parents, just like she does with her own.

gingerscot · 26/07/2021 12:42

With people like MIL I tend to find that the harder you try, the harder they become. Back off. Be kind but aloof. Don’t fall over yourself to please her. She’ll notice the dynamic shift and will probably respect you more.

There may well be tantrums first but just appear confused and ask for specifics in what you’ve done to cause harm. I did this with a toxic great aunt, watching her tie herself in knots trying to explain that I’d upset her by not grovelling anymore was mildly amusing. She became wary of upsetting me then downright tried to get approval from me. All was met by a kind but distant response. She definitely respected me more than others.

tallduckandhandsome · 26/07/2021 12:49

@thatllberight

For those asking, DM is more involved with DC than MIL, despite living further away. PILs have more than enough opportunity to be more involved but choose not to- that's another story. MIL definitely not got the same interest as DM. No option to ask for more tickets, numbers are limited due to covid restrictions. I didn't think of explaining the situation further to MIL at the time as she just nodded when I said DM was coming, but DH explained to FIL when he called later.
Sounds like PIL have pounced on this - they can now blame their lack of engagement with DGC on you not facilitating it.

YANBU, they're being ridiculous.

Stillfunny · 26/07/2021 12:54

So happy I no longer have to deal with this kind of entitled shit. Let your DH deal with his family. Why does MIL think this is your problem to solve.? Let her go strop to your DH . And tell your DH not to involve you with his parents' complaining phone calls unless he wants advice. He should have shut it down while talking to his father .

And even if a ticket became available , I wouldn't want her there now . She will cause an atmosphere and ruin the event for everyone.

Sssloou · 26/07/2021 12:58

@thatllberight

It isn't a formal thing this performance, the instructor mentioned at the last meet very offhand that each DC could bring 3 people along next weekend to watch them do a new routine they've been working on, it won't last more than 20 mins. I just said performance for ease, it's not like an end of year dance show or play or whatever, more like a work in progress type thing. And yes MIL has form for not communicating well then getting FIL to call and give me (because inevitably it's always me in the wrong) a hard time about whatever it is, then after I explain/apologise she holds a grudge. I know she's still upset today because FIL has told DH this. It's tiring. I try very hard to include her, find opportunities for it, invite her over for a cuppa with me etc but she rarely takes me up on it. I would really like it is she were more involved with DC, partly as we're far away from my own DM, but mainly because I want DC to have lots of loving people in their lives.
It’s not about this incidence. So don’t get drawn into it.

This is the life long, long term pattern of a difficult person - who strops, sulks and manipulates those around her.

Her DH and DS are well used to being drawn in to placating her shocking behavior.

Step back and step up - know what you are dealing with.

It’s not you, it’s not this incident.

As others have said tedious and exhausting and the more you try to adapt and accommodate these characters the worse they get.

Be strong and dignified and detach yourself from her nonsense. She will never change - much easier for you to just drop the rope and not indulge her.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 26/07/2021 12:58

She wasn't bothered about when your DM missed out on stuff that she got to attend I imagine OP? Sounds like being offended only applies to her. You've offered numerous invites to be included in the day to day stuff and she's not arsed but kicks off and blames you over not going to a 20 minute rehearsal, not even a proper performance ffs.

Don't you or DH dare give up your spots to a tantrum from a grown woman!

Your DH has already explained there's limited tickets and that should be the end of it. This isn't for you to deal with or pander to, he needs to tell her to grow up and also stop laying every little imagined slight at your door.

Longdistance · 26/07/2021 12:59

Get your dh to give up his seat for mil if she’s that desperate to see it. It’s his problem now to solve.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 26/07/2021 13:04

That's only going to teach her if she whinges loud and long enough she gets her own way! OPs DH will take that as an easy way out for a quiet life no doubt and she'll then feel her complaint against the OP was justified.

ScienceSensibility · 26/07/2021 13:22

@longdistanceclaraaa

Oh dear how tedious and tiring. What a waste of life and energy.

Just stand back and leave your H to deal with her and FIL who pulls the strings from the sidelines. You don't need to be rude about it, you can have a kind but personally distant relationship with them. I would simply not tolerate my MIL being unhappy with me about something like this. I would demonstrate that by simply not seeing this all as my problem to solve. Who do they think they are to be upset with you like this? Don't bend over backwards to include them. Don't bend over backwards to exclude them either. Just plough a pleasant but detached path and let your husband deal with them.

Life is too short, and being the woman/mother does not make your in-laws your problem.

Couldn’t agree more.

What a ridiculous drama over nothing.

God forbid they have any real problems to deal with.

Lemonmelonsun · 26/07/2021 13:26

@Sssloou

What a great line, I wished I had used that withy my Mil when she was ruining a party

PerciphonePuma · 26/07/2021 13:29

Your DH needs to give up his space to allow his mother to go. There's no need for both of you to go. Especially if filming it is permitted. It obviously means a lot to MIL, despite her childish behaviour

Notaroadrunner · 26/07/2021 13:29

@thatllberight

I think in hindsight I feel bad about saying "oh sorry DM is up that day, so she's going" rather than properly explaining the limit on numbers etc. DH explained this all to FIL but MIL is still upset with me.
Upset with you - of course she is. No need to be upset with her own son Hmm. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up in conversation again. It's been explained so leave it at that.
2bazookas · 26/07/2021 13:36

You explain to PIL that you are only permitted to invite 3 and that DM was already staying with you on that date.

2bazookas · 26/07/2021 13:38

@PerciphonePuma

Your DH needs to give up his space to allow his mother to go. There's no need for both of you to go. Especially if filming it is permitted. It obviously means a lot to MIL, despite her childish behaviour
Crap! DH should be there ; parents take precedence.
TheMarmaladeYears · 26/07/2021 13:38

@SorryWoman

The point is the ticket thing has already been explained to her by FIL and shes STILL pissed off.
Yes....but....any explanation that comes hours after the initial incident invariably looks like a form of justification that's been arrived at in the meantime. I've no time for unnecessary upsets over grandmothers and their respective priorities (I am a GM and MIL and we seem to just work these things out) but I know that if I'd merely been told I couldn't attend but the OG could and this without a perfectly reasonable explanation about limited tickets, then I might well have felt excluded and pissed off. It seems entirely reasonable to offer that ticket to your visiting DM. But I think that the ship has sailed insofar as emotional kerfuffles are concerned.
Lemonmelonsun · 26/07/2021 13:41

Some great posts on here esp sss and Clara.

As sss said this is not about this but the behaviour of a difficult person.

Floralnomad · 26/07/2021 13:43

Honestly @thatllberight with some people whatever you do it will always be the wrong thing , I’d stop bothering with her too much . It’s nice for children to have lots of loving people in their lives but it’s pointless if those people are causing stress .

Ofallthethings · 26/07/2021 13:45

@Bridezillamaybe

"hi MIL, I wanted to clear up something from the other day. I should have explained at the time about the ticket restriction. My DM got the third one as she's visiting. It's a shame as we would have loved to have you there. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear the last day. For the next performance we will definitely give you priority. We are going out for a lunch afterwards on Saturday, will you join? DM would love to see you."
Say this next time you see her. Regardless of whether she is tiring/hard work etc I do think you owe her an apology for not explaining the ticket limit at the time, it would have come across as if she was being excluded. If she doesn't accept this and move on there's not much you can do but I do think you need to try .
mickeysminnie · 26/07/2021 13:49

The dynamics have been explained to her. If she is still upset she is being unreasonable so just ignore it.

lastcall · 26/07/2021 13:57

It's been explained. If MIL is still whinging that's on her. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, OP.

PlasticOldBag · 26/07/2021 14:05

My advice to you would be to tell FIL that if MIL has an issue or is upset, she can call you up to discuss. Sounds like FIL is her flying monkey.

starrynight87 · 26/07/2021 14:11

Just get your child to do a 'special' performance next time they see her.

PlasticOldBag · 26/07/2021 14:16

OP, never, ever give in to adult toddler tantrums, whoever that person is.

I have a few people like this in my life. You have to ignore and then crack on. The minute you give in, that is it, the cycle will continue on. As with toddlers, people learn that their behaviour doesn't get them anywhere and they will stop after a while.

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/07/2021 14:23

If she's not very interested in day to day stuff with your DD, and doesn't take you up on your invitations, is she a performance grandparent? Does she go to the shows so that she can post on SM (with or without photos) that she's seen her brilliant DGD dancing in a show and what a proud grandmother she is, when the usual reality is that she's not that bothered?

Sally872 · 26/07/2021 14:30

Yanbu. I would say "dh and I gave my dm ticket because dm is visiting and has limited opportunity to attend so will be coming this time. Tickets are limited otherwise you could come too. You will be first priority next time."

Do not apologise or waste any more headspace on this, that is the explanation she can choose to accept it or to play the victim but I wouldn't engage any further on it.