Page 6 | For not inviting MIL?

thatllberight · 2021-07-26T08:25:29+00:00

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/07/2021 20:11

She is some piece of work!

If you know that she is something and your DH knows this too and her DH knows this, then you just bow out of the conversations, teach yourself to stop being such a people pleaser (it'll take time), and then you'll be grand!

Next time you see her (hopefully it'll be after this event) don't even mention it. Ignore her nonsense behaviour. Treat her like you would a petulant toddler. Ignore the naughty/tricky/tantrum-like behaviour. Praise the good behaviour.
I wouldn't mention it again in her company and if she does, change the subject by saying "We've already spoken about that MiL, time to move past it now. It's all in the past. There will be other events that you can go to as I've already said countless times so let's drop the subject" and say it with a firm voice.

ancientgran · 26/07/2021 21:15

@longdistanceclaraaa

Ancientgran- can I just check please, what was your son doing while you were doing childcare so that your DIL could work? I'm assuming he wasn't working too, otherwise I assume you'd have written that you were doing childcare for them both.

He worked 7 days a week, she worked 2 and I did childcare for those 2 days so it saved them enough money that she didn't need to work fulltime.

When her behaviour became so erratic that the children couldn't stay in their home social services placed them with me. When my son left due to DV, she punched him in the face while he had the baby in his arms, I worked with her and social services so that she eventually was able to have the children back with her but I was on call to have the children whenever it all got too much for her and my son was at work so couldn't go and pick them up at the drop of a hat. The reality was the children spent more time with me than either of their parents.

I believe they both let the children down but he was the one working 7 days a week and she was the one who was unstable and violent.

As teenagers the children are officially living with their mother but they are here more days/nights than they are home.

So no on those two days I was doing childcare for her, I couldn't care less how you feel about that or what you assume. If I'd been doing childcare for him it would have been 7 days a week.

ancientgran · 26/07/2021 21:19

@longdistanceclaraaa

I know precisely what she was getting at. And in my view there is a clear need to tackle this type of sexism

My son never asked me to do childcare so he could work fewer days, DIL came to me and said she was going to have to work fulltime to afford nursery but she wouldn't need to if I'd have them two days a week. It was done for her, I didn't realise that on top of those two days I'd also do most weekends as he needed to work and she needed a break.

I know what you are getting at as well. Typical.

ancientgran · 26/07/2021 21:21

@Panickingpavlova

Ancient gran you saw the nursery invite as special and perhaps a read for them constant work with your gc.

I don't know why the other parent didn't do more every day help but... Perhaps your dil wanted to get her mum involved because your so involved and perhaps have a better bond??

If my mum couidnt look after dc in the week and my dm felt sad or pushed out I may invite her to the nursery show to balance it out?

So the mug who does the hard work gets nothing and the one who doesn't want to do the work gets the treats. Maybe that is how she felt. You can hardly expect me to feel happy about it.

PollyBlue6 · 26/07/2021 21:36

Im glad our DDs school only give out 2 tickets. Pre covid of course.

After reading this thread I think if they start dishing out 3 tickets I'll rip the 3rd one up.

What a bloody stress for parents.

PerciphonePuma · 26/07/2021 22:56

@2bazookas They don't both need to be there for goodness sake! It's only a mew routine, it's not a proper performance or anything 🙄

FortniteBoysMum · 26/07/2021 23:21

Simple 3 places and mil has been to previous performances of some sort. Dm is traveling to see you all on that day and would be rude to say sorry you cannot come to watch as mil wants the ticket. Your dm has not seen any performance and mil can go next time assuming no one else is asked first.

Dogvmarmot · 27/07/2021 02:02

you dm is visiting, her gc had an event on that she will enjoy as it is her gc and a shared interest, you invited her, no more tickets. I am not sure what you mil expects you to do. She would have to be v unpleasant to expect you to tell your mom she has to give her ticket up, and both parents should go. It all seems a bit silly really - now that she knows there is a ticket limit. you DH explained it and I would just ignore it unless she brings it up. She can enjoy the next event.

sunlight81 · 27/07/2021 02:17

Tell them there's no more tickets and the only way for her to go is for DH to give up his. Then it's up to MIL and DH to sort out who's going.

ancientgran · 27/07/2021 09:55

@sunlight81

Tell them there's no more tickets and the only way for her to go is for DH to give up his. Then it's up to MIL and DH to sort out who's going.

So 3 tickets mean mother gets 2 and dad gets 1. Yes that is a common pattern.

Brefugee · 27/07/2021 09:56

There's no need for that. You know very well what the pp is getting at

5here is a need to call out that sexism. She was babysitting for both of them not just the DIL. Maybe the FILs mum lived too far away to do school runs, or whatever. Maybe she hardly ever saw the grandchild but could make it to a performance. Why does DIL get the blame? Because as PP have said child admin so often falls on the mum the poster could easily have asked her own son about a ticket to the performance, but nope. It's all the DILs fault. It is infuriating.

ancientgran · 27/07/2021 10:17

@Brefugee

There's no need for that. You know very well what the pp is getting at

5here is a need to call out that sexism. She was babysitting for both of them not just the DIL. Maybe the FILs mum lived too far away to do school runs, or whatever. Maybe she hardly ever saw the grandchild but could make it to a performance. Why does DIL get the blame? Because as PP have said child admin so often falls on the mum the poster could easily have asked her own son about a ticket to the performance, but nope. It's all the DILs fault. It is infuriating.

You haven't read my other post have you? My son worked 7 days a week, when DIL was going back to work she didn't want to work fulltime so she asked me if I'd have him 2 days a week and because of what would be saved on nursery fees she could cut to 2 days a week.

If the childcare was for my son's benefit he would have been able to cut his working hours. Both doing 5 days would have been fairer don't you think?

Re child admin falling on the mum, my DIL was a controlling and violent woman, the MH damage she did to my son goes on although he is gradually recovering. The idea that anyone else had a say in who got tickets is simply hilarious. I never asked her or him for tickets, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothered me. Her children hate her and spend most of their time with me or their father although she still gets child benefit and maintenance as my son doesn't feel able to fight that battle at the moment. There is virtually no support for DV directed at men.

Interestingly I see them more in an average week than their other grandmother does in 12 months. Her choice initially but now the children are older they also have a choice.

I have no idea what you are talking about the FILs mum, maybe you mean the DILs mum?

Maybe have a look at your own biases.

Brefugee · 27/07/2021 10:49

I have and I still see no reason for the sniping at your DIL. Your son works constantly and she does what she can and you help them both by babysitting. It's kind of you.

She has mental health issues? Still no reason not to be kind. You prefer your son, it's fine. She prefers her own mum.

However it still forms the usual backdrop on MN that DIL/MIL are always in the wrong and leaves the fathers of the children out if it. That is what I object to.

ancientgran · 27/07/2021 11:01

@Brefugee

I have and I still see no reason for the sniping at your DIL. Your son works constantly and she does what she can and you help them both by babysitting. It's kind of you.

She has mental health issues? Still no reason not to be kind. You prefer your son, it's fine. She prefers her own mum.

However it still forms the usual backdrop on MN that DIL/MIL are always in the wrong and leaves the fathers of the children out if it. That is what I object to.

She isn't my DIL anymore. My son doesn't work constantly, he did as they were in financial difficulties, he had a complete breakdown due to her controlling and violent behaviour.

How do you know she prefers her own mum? You make lots of assumptions, she spends at least 50% of her time not speaking to her parents or sibling.

Object to what you like, individual people count. How would you feel if I told the story with the sexes reversed? Violent controlling SIL, wants to only work 2 days a week while his wife does 2 days a week. Wife has no say in family events or who can attend Is that OK?

ancientgran · 27/07/2021 11:03

@Brefugee

I have and I still see no reason for the sniping at your DIL. Your son works constantly and she does what she can and you help them both by babysitting. It's kind of you.

She has mental health issues? Still no reason not to be kind. You prefer your son, it's fine. She prefers her own mum.

However it still forms the usual backdrop on MN that DIL/MIL are always in the wrong and leaves the fathers of the children out if it. That is what I object to.

How about her punching him in the fact when he had baby in his arms and toddler was hysterical? I guess I'm not being kind in blaming her for that.

Brefugee · 27/07/2021 11:31

I haven't defended your ex-DIL who sounds as though she has problems.
I have objected (and am not alone in this) to another post about the sheer awfulness of DILs when the son is an equal parent.

One thing about your babysitting: you can say until you're blue in the face that you did it for her benefit but the fact is it benefitted your son too. I'm glad he's out of an abusive relationship. It must have been awful got everyone.

ancientgran · 27/07/2021 18:24

@Brefugee

I haven't defended your ex-DIL who sounds as though she has problems. I have objected (and am not alone in this) to another post about the sheer awfulness of DILs when the son is an equal parent.

One thing about your babysitting: you can say until you're blue in the face that you did it for her benefit but the fact is it benefitted your son too. I'm glad he's out of an abusive relationship. It must have been awful got everyone.

You didn't defend her? Really? I have and I still see no reason for the sniping at your DIL. I've never sniped at her, I maintain a good relationship with her because of the children. The day the youngest is 18 she is out of my life. Your son works constantly and she does what she can I'm not going to go into what caused the financial problems but she didn't do what she could because she could have worked 5 days a week to help pay off the debts. Do you ever refer to a man going out to work as "doing what he can" and you help them both by babysitting She benefitted from my help, he did not.

How did it benefit him? He worked the same hours, there was no extra money in the house as what was saved in nursery fees meant she worked fewer hours.

My son wasn't allowed to be an equal parent, you are victim blaming and you wouldn't do it if the victim of DV was a woman.

PurpleMustang · 27/07/2021 22:58

God there is nothing worse than a sulking relative. Nor as a mother having to be a constant UN peace keeper, by analysing every conversation to ensure you can chip in and make sure nobody sulks. I would turn it around on your MIL if she still wants to sulk and say 'well it would be rude, as she is visiting, to just up and leave my mother here, wouldn't it?' Surely she can't argue with that? You didn't organise the date. And as you say she doesn't overly take an interest and assumed there was a seat for her. She got it wrong. It took me a while but it is hard to please someone that will just never be happy whatever you do. It was such a headache to constantly check everything was fair when one was never ever happy. So I decided if could only be one of us it would be the easy going granny (mil) and me. Had little contact with my mother since.