For not inviting MIL?

[thatllberight]

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

It isn't a formal thing this performance, the instructor mentioned at the last meet very offhand that each DC could bring 3 people along next weekend to watch them do a new routine they've been working on, it won't last more than 20 mins. I just said performance for ease, it's not like an end of year dance show or play or whatever, more like a work in progress type thing.
And yes MIL has form for not communicating well then getting FIL to call and give me (because inevitably it's always me in the wrong) a hard time about whatever it is, then after I explain/apologise she holds a grudge. I know she's still upset today because FIL has told DH this. It's tiring.
I try very hard to include her, find opportunities for it, invite her over for a cuppa with me etc but she rarely takes me up on it. I would really like it is she were more involved with DC, partly as we're far away from my own DM, but mainly because I want DC to have lots of loving people in their lives.

I don’t know I think I’d take MIL and DM instead of DH just as a compromise if she was genuinely upset.

She sounds exhausting OP.

If your MiL is coming over to you for a visit, you need to answer any questions with "We're only permitted to have 3 in attendance MiL and on this occassion, it will be DH, Me and my Mum. She hasn't been at any of the performances of DD yet so this will be a nice chance for her to see DD in action. You've been at a few already so it's only fair"
If she carries on with her "Woe is me" behaviour, you'll have to be firm but polite and say "DH said last night to FiL, that it is out of our hands MiL, now, would you like a cup of tea or a sandwich or something else to eat?"
Be strong!

Why shouldn’t DH go @DeadSouth? Surely parents take priority.

Have you explained to MIL it’s not a full on show? Can you video it?

Oh dear how tedious and tiring. What a waste of life and energy.

Just stand back and leave your H to deal with her and FIL who pulls the strings from the sidelines. You don't need to be rude about it, you can have a kind but personally distant relationship with them. I would simply not tolerate my MIL being unhappy with me about something like this. I would demonstrate that by simply not seeing this all as my problem to solve. Who do they think they are to be upset with you like this? Don't bend over backwards to include them. Don't bend over backwards to exclude them either. Just plough a pleasant but detached path and let your husband deal with them.

Life is too short, and being the woman/mother does not make your in-laws your problem.

"hi MIL, I wanted to clear up something from the other day. I should have explained at the time about the ticket restriction. My DM got the third one as she's visiting. It's a shame as we would have loved to have you there. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear the last day. For the next performance we will definitely give you priority. We are going out for a lunch afterwards on Saturday, will you join? DM would love to see you."

Before anyone says it, this is not a paternal MIL thing, for me at least. I dont expect my H to deal with my parents. I therefore would not insert myself into his relationship with his to the extent that they feel they can go into huffs with me and that I'll run around trying to solve it all.

I think MIL was rude I never first place to invite herself when a kid was telling her about something. My mum or MIL would have said "oh I'd love to see that, is there space for one or two more?" But even when you'd said your mum was going she could have asked if she could go too, rather than just sulking and complaining to FIL later.

DH has explained. I wouldn't mention it again tbh, it'd just be like you'd done something wrong and need to apologise which you don't because you haven't.

I wouldn't say a thing op. Just ignore it when she comes and carry on as normal. Your dh has explained the limit of numbers to her, you trying to then further explain this will only come across as feeling guilty for something that you shouldn't. She needs to suck it up and deal with it.

So could be that at some point the routine is used in a performance that MIL gets to see?

It is a shame that at the time MIL wasn't just told that there it was limited on tickets & your mum had already been asked as she happened to be visiting.

If she alreay gets invited to stuff there's no need for her to be upset.

Forgot to say, she was pretty rude if she assumed she was invited.

Maybe it depends how the conversation went?

Hmm, still not sure she seems as disinterested as you are suggesting... this could all have been avoided if you had been upfront about the ticket situation at the time, it seems like you enjoyed telling her that DM was coming and wanted her to feel inferior to your mother? Second best? I can see no reason why the ticket situation wouldn't be mentioned at the time. It seems a little bit malicious that it was withheld.

Hand it off to your DH. "If MIL wants to go, you can miss this one" kind of thing.

Competitive grandma-ING is exhausting and I'm glad we were spared that.

But. In future I'd palm off all communication with the Ils to your DH until they stop being knobbish

The MIL offered to go before she even knew the OPs mum was going so how is that being competitive. She respected this and went home and had a Moan to her husband who then had a moan to his son. The woman has the right to be upset and doesn't deserve some of the comments.

OP firstly said that the MIL wasnt interested then said shes been to other shows. She also said it was a performance with tickets but then said its not a performance and each child is permitted to bring along 3 people. She then says that she often invites her MIL for tea etc and encourages her to be hands on but often refuses yet the MIL has been to hers twice in a few days.

None of it makes sense and it really is getting blown out of proportion. If things are so difficult with the MIL then do what others do and let your his and deal with her.

Husband not his

Your MiL is upset about being 'made to' feel embarrassed, not by missing your DD's performance.

@pommepommefrites

You contradict yourself in your posts, op. In one you mention that mil has been to all dd's shows whilst your own mother has been to none, then in another post mil has no interest in dd and your own DM is more of a hands-on gp despite living further away.

That's not a contradiction. It could be OP's mum is more hands on and involved, offers to babysit, takes kids out, takes an interest, makes effort day-to-day with the grandchildren while MiL turns up for the events and not much else.

I feel like your husband should be doing more here. So your FiL calls your husband to tell him that your MiL is pissed off with you. From what you've written it sounds like your husband then just tells you about it, putting the emphasis on you to feel like yoh should be doing something to sort it or implying that you might have done something wrong, like this example has got you questioning yourself.

Why isnt he just telling them that they're being ridiculous and if he is that bothered about his mum not attending on this occasion, giving up his space for his mum?

You or your husband misses it so that both grandmas can go.

@pommepommefrites

You contradict yourself in your posts, op. In one you mention that mil has been to all dd's shows whilst your own mother has been to none, then in another post mil has no interest in dd and your own DM is more of a hands-on gp despite living further away.

There's no contradiction.

MIL has no interest in the specific activity but has been to a few to support her GD, despite not being all that hands on usually.

OPs DM is more interested in the specific activity but lives further away so hasn't managed any performances and she is more hands on despite living further away.

Not at all hard to understand.

That's just your assumption, though. That's not what is written in the posts. I can assume that op is rewriting the truth through subsequent "dripfeeds" to suit her narrative that mil is a crazy, unreasonable, overly emotional, manipulative fucking bitch that fits all mil stereotypes ever fucking created. Not that hard to understand.

@pommepommefrites

That's just your assumption, though. That's not what is written in the posts. I can assume that op is rewriting the truth through subsequent "dripfeeds" to suit her narrative that mil is a crazy, unreasonable, overly emotional, manipulative fucking bitch that fits all mil stereotypes ever fucking created. Not that hard to understand.

Odd, I barely paraphrased!

She needs to grow up!!!

The paternal grandmother usually has a bit of an inferiority complex because her ddil is obviously closer to her own mother, and gets closer involvement with the dgc. I'm lucky. My ddil is careful to treat us the same, but I don't think it's fair or kind for MNers to be harsh towards MIL.