Page 2 | For not inviting MIL?

Icecreamsoda99 · 26/07/2021 09:47

I didn't think of explaining the situation further to MIL at the time

So she didn't know tickets were limited? If that's the case of course she was upset. Basically from her point of view you told her she couldn't come because your DM was going, no wonder she felt confused and rejected. Try and put yourself in her shoes, hopefully now your DH has explained she understands, but to be honest I'd apologise in your position for not explaining the situation fully.

Soberanne · 26/07/2021 09:47

@sorrywoman sorry i dont think i was suggesting that she wrack her brains to find a solution i was merely suggesting some solutions. The OP and her daughter obviously have a good relationship and i am sure if there was a solution the OP would prefer that.
I understand why the MIL might seem left out and was trying to point this out.

At no point in my post did i say the OPs mum should not have the ticket.

PamTheSpam · 26/07/2021 09:48

Bloody hell @WithloveFromMyselfToYourself talk about putting the cart before the horse
She hasn't spoken to her yet, everything may work out fine

HelloDulling · 26/07/2021 09:51

You say she has no interest in horse riding/skateboarding/whatever it is, but her interest is in her granddaughter.

Anyway, you should have explained that there are only three tickets, not just told her you are taking your mum so she can’t come along. I’d feel excluded in those circs too. What you are doing is entirely reasonable, but you/DH needed to tell her why.

TeaDrinker98 · 26/07/2021 09:56

I agree with you that you should have explained things better to MIL regarding the limited tickets. However, this has been explained and she's still upset, so she needs to learn to be more understanding to be honest. Surely she understands that she isn't the most important grandparent? Your mother has to be involved too.

It would be very different if your mum was going to every event and you were excluding your MIL, but I don't get the impression that that's the case.

Be kind to your MIL about this (as I'm certain you will be because you sound lovely ), but don't pander to her. Try to find the middle ground ❤

We have to pander to my MIL because we've been warned that she "doesn't handle criticism well. Whilst I've tried to be kind and understanding, there are definitely times when she tests my patience, so I know how exhausting it can be. Though, saying that, I'm fairly certain I test her patience too lol

Sssloou · 26/07/2021 09:59

DH explained this all to FIL but MIL is still upset with me.

Oh she’s one of those.

Poor you.

Don’t allow her to unsettle you or put you down with any sulky moods. If she brings it up - refer her directly back to DH and FIL convo. If she continues to push or continues to be moody or sulk - don’t tolerate it - call her out on it and give her a consequence - “It seems you are still in a bad mood - maybe you should take some time out and go home to process that in private as we are having a fun day doing x,y and z and don’t want the atmosphere”

Freddiefox · 26/07/2021 09:59

@pleasedonttextmyman

she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before

sounds like she wants to score points and be the "first" and more important grand-parent, and it's all about her, not about the child.

People like her are exhausting.

Why does it sound like that? I don’t think it does at. I’m not particularly interested in my children’s hobby but always go along to support them.

Freddiefox · 26/07/2021 10:04

@thatllberight

DD1 has a performance for her hobby soon. We've been told 3 people can go to watch. On the day of the performance DM is coming up to visit, this was planned before we knew the date of the performance but works out well as she likes the same hobby and will be interested to see it, so makes sense for her to come along with DH and I. Yesterday PILs were over and DD mentioned the performance, MIL said "great, let me know what time it is", I explained DM would be coming as she's visiting that day, MIL nodded, conversation moved on. Then last night FIL called DH saying I'd really upset MIL by "excluding" her. I don't see it that way, there's no reason MIL would go ahead of anyone else and she's never shown an interest in DD's hobby before, plus DM rarely comes up so hasn't ever gone to any of the DC's shows/school plays/etc whereas MIL has been to a couple. AIBU? MIL is coming over later and I don't know what to say.

So you mil didn’t know that there were only 3 tickets? and you didn’t tell her? It’s not surprising she feels about excluded. But it’s was just a mistake so tell her that there are 3 tickets and hopefully maybe she’ll understand. Once you’ve explained the ticket limit, move on.

Any more phone calls just keep getting dh to Say the same thing. If there’s any strops ignore them.

Holly60 · 26/07/2021 10:05

I find it hard to understand that you wouldn’t have led with the fact there are only three tickets. ‘Oh bum sorry MIL but there are only three tickets because of Covid and I’ve asked DM to come along as she is down’ would have been a very natural thing to say IMO. You probably do need to apologise for not explaining properly. Just a ‘sorry MIL I didn’t explain it properly before, hope I didn’t upset you too much’. Is your MIL possibly still upset because of the way you spoke to her - were you a bit dismissive in the moment, or a bit sharp?? Only throwing ideas around as to why she might still be upset …

Wimpeyspread · 26/07/2021 10:06

@JudgeJ

Is your mother always allowed to be involved for more than your mother in law? That's the usual way things are done, my mother was never involved in things for my brother's children, unless money was wanted, and she was very hurt on occasions, it was the reason that we always made sure that we involved both grandmothers whenever possible.

Read the OP

pommepommefrites · 26/07/2021 10:10

You contradict yourself in your posts, op. In one you mention that mil has been to all dd's shows whilst your own mother has been to none, then in another post mil has no interest in dd and your own DM is more of a hands-on gp despite living further away.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/07/2021 10:12

Would it be possible to find out whether there are any spare places? Although if MIL is just having a hissy fit as DM is going instead of her and she isn’t actually interested in the performance I wouldn’t go out of my way to try and find a solution.

Original poster

thatllberight · 26/07/2021 10:16

Yeah I realise now that not explaining the tickets thing at the time was a mistake, the conversation just moved on and I didn't think about it properly. And trust me, a grandparent can turn up to shows etc while still not being hands on or involved.

OP posts:

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/07/2021 10:18

@thatllberight

I think in hindsight I feel bad about saying "oh sorry DM is up that day, so she's going" rather than properly explaining the limit on numbers etc. DH explained this all to FIL but MIL is still upset with me.

so, your HUSBAND explained all this to her, yet she's upset with YOU??? why?

TeaDrinker98 · 26/07/2021 10:19

@ineedaholidaynow

Would it be possible to find out whether there are any spare places? Although if MIL is just having a hissy fit as DM is going instead of her and she isn’t actually interested in the performance I wouldn’t go out of my way to try and find a solution.

Can we all just take a moment and try to recognise that this isn't actually about OP, DM, or MIL.

Try and get more tickets, if possible, for your lovely DD. I'm sure she would be delighted to have both DGMs there watching her.

No need to be spiteful (not you, OP).

Soberanne · 26/07/2021 10:21

The way i read it was that MIL asked to go before she knew the OPs mum was going so I dont understand why people think shes trying to get one up. And again the OP said that MIL wasn't interested in The DDs hobby but she has been to be previous shows and offered immediately to go to this one.

I always feel sorry for MILs on mumnet they can never win. A granny is upset that shes missing her grandaughters event and shes accused of point scoring and all sorts.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/07/2021 10:22

Limited tickets.
The DGP who has an interest in the hobby and has the track record of interest in the child's activities gets the ticket. The DGP who is less interested and involved doesn't.

Doesn't stop less interested DGP going to a future event or getting more involved in future. As PP said - these are grown adults, not kids bickering over who gets the last sweet.

Soontobe60 · 26/07/2021 10:24

@Sssloou

Urgh…..getting the FIL to call to complain on her behalf……I suspect that she is emotionally inadequate and has form for entitled tantrums, sulks and manipulating others into drama she manufactures.

Is she not capable of communicating like an adult there and then to say something like - I would have loved to go - hopefully there will be another opportunity. etc

Or maybe, she didn’t show she was upset in front of the OP because that would be bad manners, then at home her husband saw she was very upset and phoned his son up without her knowledge. She may well be more upset now that her dh has told them she was upset about it! Not all MILs are horrible you know.

MakeItRain · 26/07/2021 10:24

If she brings it up you just agree with her that it's "such a shame they're limiting numbers" and add comments like "I know, I hope these covid restrictions can ease off soon"/"yes it's really disappointing isn't it" etc etc. Say it all very kindly and just keep agreeing!

Soontobe60 · 26/07/2021 10:29

@thatllberight

I think in hindsight I feel bad about saying "oh sorry DM is up that day, so she's going" rather than properly explaining the limit on numbers etc. DH explained this all to FIL but MIL is still upset with me.

How do you know she’s still upset with you? If you’ve not seen her yet then you couldn’t possibly know that. Maybe she’s upset because she thinks that by not mentioning the show to her beforehand and explaining that there’s only 3 tickets and you’d like your mum to go as MIL has already seen 2 shows, you have been a bit underhand. At what point would you have mentioned it if your dd hadn’t let the cat out of the bag yesterday?

Youseethethingis · 26/07/2021 10:30

Fuck me, do people not realise that having two grandmothers is not an "exceptional circumstance" but an actual fact of life?
It must be so exhausting needing diagrams drawn for everyday stuff like this

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 26/07/2021 10:31

@PamTheSpam

Bloody hell *@WithloveFromMyselfToYourself* talk about putting the cart before the horse She hasn't spoken to her yet, everything may work out fine

I said not to worry, just explain like she has here, only if MIL escalates to bring out the fairsies for all point.

Obviously if MIL visits and all is well then it's not going to come up is it? OP is worried it is though as she's been told than even after DH explained about the tickets to FIL on the phone, MIL is still upset with her.

Helendee · 26/07/2021 10:40

Such a shame your DD mentioned it in the first place.
I feel sad for your MIL as I know how difficult it is being a paternal granny and
I get on really well with my DILs.
OP, I would try to get another ticket if you can or arrange another event for your daughter and mil.

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 10:42

The point is the ticket thing has already been explained to her by FIL and shes STILL pissed off.

blubberyboo · 26/07/2021 10:45

From reading you post whilst you explained to us there was only 3 tickets, it sounds like you didn’t make it clear to her

And it is a bit dismissive to say oh she’s not interested in this hobby. Clearly she is interested when she immediately offered to go and has been before. This sounds like a really interested grandma and I feel the way you are portraying her is hurtful.

So Yabu for not being kinder to her feelings.