MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

But still - it's not the job of the shopkeeper to try to second guess the size of OP's child, or her taste. The job of the shopkeeper is to serve the customer in front of them, and if that customer is asking to see jeans or lumberjack shirts in a size 3-6 months, that's what you show them. You don't ignore your customer and try to steer them to another brand of clothing entirely.

I would be worried that she will get into debt with all this wild money spending. if she isn't a wealthy person..She must be the type of person,who totally gets carried away when she sees all the nice and expensive clothes in the shops, and she just has to buy them,no matter what.

All you can do ,is have a serious talk with her about all the baby clothes, that are not even going to be used. She must have this mindset, that cheaper clothes, will make you look poor and in need.

Maybe she didn't have many nice clothes when she was a baby, so she is going to town now, and wanting to kit your baby out in the finest of clothes.

Baby shopping is fun & it’s nice to show an interest.
However, The comment she made was rude & it’s not her job to decide what your dc wears.
I think she has some deep insecurities/ mental health issues that she’s projecting on to her g/c’s clothing.
I’d be wary of this for future.

FYI we use cloth nappies, and have found Zara cut really good. Comfy leggings or soft merino dungerees. Maybe send her in that direction

@TheGenealogist

But still - it's not the job of the shopkeeper to try to second guess the size of OP's child, or her taste. The job of the shopkeeper is to serve the customer in front of them, and if that customer is asking to see jeans or lumberjack shirts in a size 3-6 months, that's what you show them. You don't ignore your customer and try to steer them to another brand of clothing entirely.

Even if the child was in yesterday and you know he needs size 12-18 month clothes?

"That won't work as it's a rational solution for an emotional problem"

This is one of the best things I've read on here and something a lot of posters seem to be missing.

This is not a misunderstanding, it's an emotional problem from the MIL.

Baby clothes need to be practical, comfortable and washable - your MIL should understand this, @JimHairy - and I can understand why you are irritated with this behaviour from her.

If she wants to buy expensive stuff, and she can afford it, then there’s nothing wrong with that, but why would anyone want to spend a lot of money on something that doesn’t fit the baby or isn’t practical? Not to mention the nappy non-containment situations, and baby sick that can ruin expensive clothes just as easily as they ruin cheap ones!

The first thing I'd do, as you are planning, is have DH sit her down privately for a serious chat and have him put his foot down if she's not receptive.

If that didn't work, the next time she shows up with ill-fitting expensive clothing I'd say "Oooh MiL, how much did you pay for those? That much? New, unworn items go for a pretty penny on so that will be a tidy sum into 'Baby's' Uni fund".

@Hopdathelf

No contact is a very extreme and seemingly unnecessary reaction. Just be consistent and direct: if she asks why he’s not in the clothes she bought, say they didn’t fit, if she makes a rude comment about how he is dressed, say of course he doesn’t look unloved and untidy. Rinse and repeat and she’ll soon get bored.

OP wasn't suggesting NC! She said she doesn't want to go to that extreme! 🙄 🤦🏼‍♀️

Please read posts properly

It is rubbish if they continue to sell her clothes that they know are too small.

But they don’t know they’re too small if they’re 3-6 months and the baby is 4 months. They don’t even know she is buying for just one baby.

OP has an easy in with the shop if she attempts to exchange the too small clothes. Even without the tags, it is worth a try if everything else is intact. Even if it fails, it gives OP a conversation starter to see how things are from the shop’s side.

Another tactic with the shop is make sure it's more trouble for them to sell your MIL the wrong stuff. Take it all back (baby in tow) even if it doesn't have tags, do the head tilt and tinkly laugh and 'oh, my MIL adores it here but she's a bit clueless about sizing/styles so I'm returning it'. If they won't refund, see if they'll put store credit on her account. Be pleasant and polite but if you do that a couple of times they may decide that it's easier to steer her towards something more appropriate to start with.

Sounds like a perfect plan!

@Iwonder08

OP, your response is disproportionate to the problem. You are considering NC because she is buying not suitable clothes for your baby? Do you see how ridiculous it sounds? She is probably over compensating for all the times in her life where she had no opportunity to buy anything nice for her babies. There is a very simple solution - tell her you appreciate she wants the best things for your baby, but he is really a very big baby and needs different sizes. Measure him in front of her so she knows he now fits in a bigger size. Let her buy a couple of outfits..ask her to buy something soft otherwise he is not going to want to wear it. Also perhaps keep your attitude under control. Not everyone believes supermarket clothes are the only sensible choice. She is not asking you to spend your own money on more expensive stuff, she just buys her own. And don't tell her to open a savings account. It is really your job to do it.

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ PLEASE READ THE OP AGAIN - SLOWLY......

Op is NOT considering going NC!!!!

@Babyboomtastic

Personally I would NEVER go and talk to a shop about anyones spending, it’s utterly disrespectful and in appropriate. As I said stop accepting her presents and tell her when you find her rude.

I agree. It's astonishingly rude and inappropriate.

They also may well tell her, and that could cause a huge family argument.

It isn't rude if they're taking advantage of MIL!!!

Tell her your ds has enough clothes, but you are saving up for a bigger item.
First bikes? Big boy bed?
Special holiday/day trip....
Ask her if she would like to contribute to that instead?

Point her towards the 'looking expensive' threads on here, where it's inevitably mentioned several times that very wealthy children wear scruffy clothes with unkempt hair, etc. 😉 (Lighthearted & not a serious suggestion, before anyone jumps on this ...).

You've had some good ideas OP, wishing you luck! I think the idea of asking her to save for something else is a great one... Love the idea of a car but if she's someone who would like a faster sense of achievement then maybe there are certain toys or baby classes or practical things for his nursery that she could contribute to or save up for for when he's old enough for them? Maybe 3 months of subscription to baby library classes or swimming or something, you get the idea. Maybe something she could come along to too. Regular enough she feels she's contributing, not long enough she feels taken advantage of and you don't need to worry she's spending an extreme amount, and far enough in the future that it gives a bit of breathing space between then and now.
An I agree it's DH's conversation to have!

I get that those suggestions are diverting the problem rather than solving it outright, but you've already spoken to her about it, it is an emotional problem as someone else has mentioned as she wants to help in her own way (or have control over something). Hopefully there's an alternative that you'll all feel benefit from.

Let her try and put the outfit on, then she'll realise it's too small. If she persists, squeeze baby in for a picture and the sell them and buy wine and cheap clothes. Drink the wine a roll eyes at MiL

Maybe she didn't have many nice clothes when she was a baby, so she is going to town now, and wanting to kit your baby out in the finest of clothes.

She won’t remember and, anyway, baby clothes were just so different 60+ years ago - mostly hand knitted! OP has said how her children were dressed which wasn’t particularly cheap (though not crazily expensive either).

Her behaviour is totally irrational, even if she thinks the baby needs day clothes, there are plenty of soft convenient options available. And who cuts the tags off - surely you would give parents the option of changing the size. It wouldn’t be a problem if she was rolling in money, but this extravagance while pleading poverty I other areas is deeply worrying.

I don’t think the MIL will go for saving for something else, she’s obviously Hyacith Bucket reincarnated, she enjoys purchasing the clothes, as PP said the shop are probably fussing over her, and then she gets to tell her friends I spent £xxx on clothes for my grandson/I bought him Gucci jeans or Calvin Klein shirt or whatever, it’s all about how it’s making her feel.

Next time she gives you something say did you keep the receipt? The shirt has a hole in it/seam came loose/didn’t wash well and I need to return it and I can’t do that if you remove the tags and don’t keep the receipts, hopefully she’ll start giving you the receipts and you can return for refunds and keep the cash for later on, she gets to keep shopping and everyone’s a winner.

Regift!

Your DH needs to have a kind but firm heart to heart with her. Get her to channel her best intentions elsewhere. All that energy can go into something productive, even if it's just a savings fund. He needs to set this boundary.

Tell her your ds has enough clothes, but you are saving up for a bigger item.
First bikes? Big boy bed?
Special holiday/day trip....
Ask her if she would like to contribute to that instead?

Unfortunately none of this will give MIL the instant gratification she is obviously craving.

Does she have a history of repeatedly ignoring you? It's quite self destructive to spend money like this, there must be a motivation beyond having a photo.
Are her friends competitive or well off? Does she feel inadequate or that she missed out on doing this for her own children?
I agree with PP that any resistance you offer will drive her to try and 'win' even more. Her son needs to put a stop to it. Could be ask her how she is paying for it?

"Another tactic with the shop is make sure it's more trouble for them to sell your MIL the wrong stuff. Take it all back (baby in tow) even if it doesn't have tags, do the head tilt and tinkly laugh and 'oh, my MIL adores it here but she's a bit clueless about sizing/styles so I'm returning it'. If they won't refund, see if they'll put store credit on her account. Be pleasant and polite but if you do that a couple of times they may decide that it's easier to steer her towards something more appropriate to start with."

That's just making it difficult for Op though.

They could miht just say that there's nothing they can do.

And FFS head tilt & tinkly laugh??!!

Perhaps better just to phone & see if they can do anything?

Well, for those posters brining up dementia, here is the difference.
My late DM was always a bit batty eccentric so early signs of dementia were hard to spot, although we did in the end and got a diagnosis and meds.
When DS was small she loved buying him stuff from a local very chic baby boutique, however, it all fitted him and was appropriate. (And she could afford it)
But as time progressed she kept buying him baby stuff (not clothes so much) until she was buying cuddly toys for him when he was 10, 11, even 12. (And not at all interested in them)
It was very clear there was something wrong by then.