MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

The trying things on or holding them against baby to prove that they don't fit approach will only work on a person with a good grasp of reality. It doesn't sound like MIL has this.

It sounds like she has issues from her own past and lack of money growing up and I don't think you can fix this yourselves.

@diddl

"Or that OP will not tell other Mums how rubbish the shop is."

The shop isn't rubbish though is it?

They are selling the customer (Mil) what she chooses to buy!

It is rubbish if they continue to sell her clothes that they know are too small.

Another tactic with the shop is make sure it's more trouble for them to sell your MIL the wrong stuff. Take it all back (baby in tow) even if it doesn't have tags, do the head tilt and tinkly laugh and 'oh, my MIL adores it here but she's a bit clueless about sizing/styles so I'm returning it'. If they won't refund, see if they'll put store credit on her account. Be pleasant and polite but if you do that a couple of times they may decide that it's easier to steer her towards something more appropriate to start with.

"It is rubbish if they continue to sell her clothes that they know are too small."

That could be solved by MIL buying the size she has been told or keeping tags on though.

Designer clothes are sized crazy small. For a 4 month old she’ll need to buy 9-12 months in designer labels.

@diddl

"It is rubbish if they continue to sell her clothes that they know are too small."

That could be solved by MIL buying the size she has been told or keeping tags on though.

European and designer clothes have different sizing to supermarkets, Next etc. I don’t understand them myself. No substitute for the staff seeing the baby and getting a proper idea of his size, rather than going on MIL giving his age, but not mentioning he’s large for his age and wears cloth nappies.

I think she is being over the top, but it covers across like you don't want any of the stuff she brings, almost on principle.

You also seem very welded to your son only wearing sleep suits and vests etc, and that's totally your call, but isn't there a middle ground here?

For crying out loud, @Babyboomtastic.
If MiL had a preference for 'high end' furnishings or wallpaper, would OP have to suck it up & "find a middle ground", instead of sticking with her own preferences in her own home?

MiL's had her babies, & dressed them how she wanted to.
This is OP's baby, & she can dress her boy however the hell she wants to.

It would be different if OP's MiL was otherwise a kindly sort, but on reading that all she wanted while OP was still bleeding & uncomfortable post-partum was to wake up the baby & play dress-up on him until he cried with discomfort, rather than look after OP, she can get to fuck with her ridiculous, controlling clothes-posturing.

I'm surprised by the replies here.

Why should you have to compromise with anyone other than your husband on how the baby is dressed? Why should you have to go shopping with your MIL? Why should you accept insults about how you are presenting your child? Why should you tolerate having your baby woken up and disturbed when you are probably exhausted already?

I would have been very annoyed about the jeans incident.

Having a new baby is nonstop organising, reorganising. I liked putting my LG in nothing but soft vests and babygros. I always had two spare sets in her nappy bag. They were easier to store too. I referred to them as her capsule wardrobe. People did gift other things, I'd put them on her and take a photo but she generally only got one wear out of them. I knew I was in the minority but my baby my choice. I remember my mum rolling her eyes and slagging me off to the other siblings saying she saw lovely baby clothes but I was being a babygro fascist. It was all pretty good natured however.

I really would not be happy. Adopt some catchphrase and use it repeatedly. When my MIL interferes I say "thank you but mama knows best" and ignore her entirely.

I know it's really annoying.

Could you take her out shopping, look at baby clothes with her, explain what you need, and when she gets it right, be delighted?

And NB any discussion with the shop centres around sizing, which is a fairly neutral mistake to make. Not over-pricing or style. However while there, OP picks up something soft and comfy and says “”Ooh I love this! Little collars look sweet but poor Ollie has such a pudgy little chin, I’m always wiping away sour milk from inside the folds, you k ow what it’s like don’t you?It’s a real shame they end up giving him a rash”.

Though most of this could have been avoided if you/husband tried the clothes on baby to show her they were too small.

Which OP has explained more than once, @Somuchgoo, would cause her baby discomfort, because MiL consitently buys clothes that are too small, or too stiff, then tells OP she is in the wrong. A bit like you have just done ...

MIL just needs to stop. Why can’t she just wait until you see something you like and ask her, if she’s so desperate to buy stuff for your son.

It’s sounds like she’s trying to take over.

I’m sure it comes from a good place but he’s your son.

I had to tell my own mum to stop buying my kids clothes. Just so much stuff, all the time. things that we didn’t put them in.

I told her kindly that while we appreciated her thinking of us. She should save her money and we’d let her know when we need stuff.

Easier said than done with some people.

I haven't read the entire thread. But my advice is do nothing. This your husband's issue. When she kicks off say "ask Dh why " then walk out of the room. Bat everything back to dh every time.

In my 20 years of marriage my dh got less and less involved in spats with mil ( about him and his kids. They arent just my kids. Hes not just my husband. He is his own person) that I went nuclear and went NC with her last year.

Guess what? It turns out not now that they can talk without involving me.

Dh is spineless with his mum and wants a easy life. Well. Me too. It turns out I owe his mum nothing, certainly not that she gave birth to me and brought me up.

Just deligate all of this to dh. He is a grown adult.

I would also have tried a outfit on in front of her then asked her to take it back when it didnt fit. When she refuses I'd say say " someone at the charity shop will be grateful I guess" then back.out of the room leaving them too it.

Another thing I did with mil was play dumb "oh you know I cant do xyz right. Your always wrong? Great remind her your too dumb, difficult whatever so go to dh. Just go to dh. I cant do right for wrong. Go to dh. Every time.

He will get the hint eventually too

"MIL just needs to stop"

Well yes-that's it in a nutshell!

Op & he husband are more than cpable of buying the clothes that their baby needs.

Perhaps the odd item, but there's no need to be seeming to buy everything!

Could you /dh try a proper conversation with her? Tell her your both a bit overwhelmed with the generosity .but love n cuddles gony shape babe more than dg.versace.etc? find one of them pottery studios or similar ?my kids 15yrs apart so we made a clock with hand print of wee one inside handprint of big one. ..something like £30 but precious forever...and give her a" role"cos shes maybe emotionally weirded out

I do think trying on some of the clothes would help. You do it so he’s not as uncomfortable.

Alternatively when you next have something new from somewhere she’ll think is acceptable put him in it when she’s around. It won’t have shrunk because it’s new and will still be 6-9 months

Finally I’d take her shopping. Go to John Lewis and JoJo. JL will also cover mini Boden and Frugi/Hatley etc. Show her the type of things you like, wax lyrical about the quality etc. Comment on Prince George being dressed in JL and Boden etc in his recent photo. If there’s someone she thinks is ‘posh’ tell her they love M&S, JL etc, that there’s nothing lovelier than a baby in a fresh sleep suit etc.

Good luck!

Am from an ethnic minority background and my mum came out with similar, ie, baby gros are for nighttime, they need proper outfits in the day time. Its very much a 'how they dress is a reflection of me'

It drives me mad here. My mother insists on sending stuff, pays a fortune in postage, and none of it suitable, bar some socks she sent recently!

I tell her 1 year old is currently in 12-18 months (in July), so she says of I saw some shorts and bought him bigger to grow into. So she will send 18-24 months shorts. Great, except they are too big for him now in summer, and will likely fit in January when it’s -20 here. So they will just sit in a drawer basically until next summer, when i will try on him and then too small, so off to charity unworn they go.
He currently has a 12 month old snow suit she sent last Xmas ‘to grow into’ which fits him now it’s 30 degrees..

My favourite was The Santa outfit she sent for his first xmas, again, it was miles too big, as she sent age 2 years! Might fit him next summer for him to stroll around in in July

As soon as she presents you with something that is too small or too hard I’d say “oooh thanks so much, sadly it’s too small” or “that’s an interesting style, I don’t think it will work for us while he’s so small. Perhaps you could exchange it for something else, similar to xxx”

Either that or clear off you menace and take your unwanted stuff with you

Id be concerned about her mental health tbh, that isn't normal. Especially the grand gestures.

@Caspianberg

We have similar with the 'growing into things', like a fleecy 'my first christmas' babygrow in 12-18m for our 6m old. It was given to us 2 days after Christmas, with MIL saying 'we bought it big so she can grow into it'. We just said thank you, tried not to giggle, and eventually gave it away unworn.

Tackling the shop is the wrong approach. They are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

@IncessantNameChanger

I haven't read the entire thread. But my advice is do nothing. This your husband's issue. When she kicks off say "ask Dh why " then walk out of the room. Bat everything back to dh every time.

In my 20 years of marriage my dh got less and less involved in spats with mil ( about him and his kids. They arent just my kids. Hes not just my husband. He is his own person) that I went nuclear and went NC with her last year.

Guess what? It turns out not now that they can talk without involving me.

Dh is spineless with his mum and wants a easy life. Well. Me too. It turns out I owe his mum nothing, certainly not that she gave birth to me and brought me up.

Just deligate all of this to dh. He is a grown adult.

I would also have tried a outfit on in front of her then asked her to take it back when it didnt fit. When she refuses I'd say say " someone at the charity shop will be grateful I guess" then back.out of the room leaving them too it.

Another thing I did with mil was play dumb "oh you know I cant do xyz right. Your always wrong? Great remind her your too dumb, difficult whatever so go to dh. Just go to dh. I cant do right for wrong. Go to dh. Every time.

He will get the hint eventually too

Another thing I did with mil was play dumb "oh you know I cant do xyz right. Your always wrong? Great remind her your too dumb, difficult whatever so go to dh. Just go to dh. I cant do right for wrong. Go to dh. Every time.

This is NOT good advice at all, @IncessantNameChanger you are suggesting the OP belittle herself and as a woman, so the MIL will go to the man, to her son. No. Just no. No woman needs to depreciate, invalidate or talk herself down, especially for a narcissistic MIL. What a message to send to women, that they have to belittle them self. Assertiveness is needed her, not passiveness.

I can't be doing with with 'let MIL discuss with her son' stuff, either. OP is the mother, and has a relationship with her MIL, she comes as a package with her DH. She, as the mother, should be addressing this, not the DH, just because MIL gave birth to DH and not OP. This is not DH's job alone. The OP has the right to speak to her own MIL about her own son's clothes/upbringing.

Show her the Frugi website, theirs are cut for cloth nappies and have a high resale value.

@TheGenealogist

Tackling the shop is the wrong approach. They are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Absolutely nothing in the approach to the shop that I put forward suggested the shop was doing anything wrong. The shop has no idea what size the child is or what the mother’s taste is.