MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

I would refuse to accept any clothes from her. Be rude about it if you have to.
Just say we’re not accepting any unsolicited gifts of clothing, don’t get them out of the bag, we don’t want them.

She might be so offended she stops buying clothes.

@Babyboomtastic

You know you can have outfits that are comfy right?

Is it just principle that nothing that MIL buys is comfy?

Okay....

The principle is the OP doesn’t want the clothes. It’s not a gift if the recipients don’t want it. It’s a burden.

Off the point I know, but Frugi clothes are designed for cloth nappies, and ethically and environmentally friendly. And lovely and soft and snuggly. They are also quite expensive! ( I buy from eBay or when on sale). You could point her towards their website?

@Babyboomtastic

You know you can have outfits that are comfy right?

Is it just principle that nothing that MIL buys is comfy?

Okay....

It’s not a principle, it’s literally true. The stuff she buys is linen and denim mostly, so stiff, not stretchy fabrics. It also has a lot of collars. DS has no neck and wears a dribble bib so collars on stuff are really uncomfortable for him. She won’t buy t shirts and joggers because she thinks they look untidy, she’ll only buy shirts (lumberjack shirts are a favourite) which again aren’t stretchy. Plus she buys everything in 3-6 months size when DS is in 6-9 months already. She does this because she believes cheaper clothes shrink and that’s why he’s wearing the size bigger. She’s wrong, he’s just enormous.

I think your husband needs to speak to her properly. Her comments re baby looking neglected are really hurtful. She obviously has issues due to upbringing re children looking poor. There’s a definite working class/middle class divide with baby clothes. The clothes are too small, not suitable for cloth nappies and not to your taste.

Gosh @Somuchgoo @Babyboomtastic you really seem to have an agenda to paint the OP in the wrong here!

She has posted, listened and taken onboard advice. At no point has she mentioned she hates outfits, it is the material and fit that is the issue. At 4 months, soft natural fibres are much kinder the skin.

Sounds like MIL is not listening and your plan for DH to approach her and also steer the shop into the right sizing at least is a good plan OP!

As an side, the money would be better off in a savings account for when he gets older.

Designer boutique baby stuff tends to be even smaller as it’s European sizing. So he would need even bigger sizes especially with cloth nappy.
Needs nipping in bud now otherwise she’ll be cutting his hair behind your back, criticising if you use second hand school uniform etc.

She must be pretty well off to be able to afford such things in the first place.

@diddl

I'm also not sure that talking to the shop at all is a good idea.

She likes what she likes & more than likely will continue to buy that.

I mean if none of the items are returned to the shop-why would they bother to steer her towards stuff that Op likes?

Because a local small boutique type business probably cares more than a bit about what they sell being right for their customers and wants to build a long term relationship. Just because some things have not been brought back does not mean that others will not be. Or that OP will not tell other Mums how rubbish the shop is.

If the softly softly approach isn't working I think the next time I'd maybe let her know that the clothes were going straight on gumtree and the proceeds added to DS savings account. That way at least some of the money she has spent will be of some actual use to her grandson.

To all of those suggesting Frugi- I can almost guarantee from reading this that the OPs MIL will NOT like Frugi, its so bright and childish! I can imagine that she is receiving stuff from Mayoral, or even actual designer gear, Prada, etc, for that type of price.

As daft as it sounds, when I had my eldest and I was young, I lived on a council estate, and I dressed her much older than she was. As a 1 year old she would often be in a pair of jeans with a top with a slogan or theme. As would lots of the neighbours kids.

I've had my second with a big age gp, and I'm much more confident in dressing her in what I like- which is toddler clothes! Every bright colour under the sun, lots of patterns and prints. I spend more than I should on clothes, tend to go scandi which isn't cheap, but I can guarantee that they wouldn't be the MILs style, as they don't shout expensive. The money goes on organic, soft, natural, stretchy materials, not on brand names.

What would I have gone for in that stage? Zara probably, it looks stylish enough to be expensive, has a bit of a name about it. White company is gorgeous material. See if you can sway her towards Alba, Mini Rodini maybe? But it's probably going to fail, I'm afraid, as it's not a well know designer brand that the neighbours will recognise :(

If you tried the clothes on your baby in front of MIL then she'd realise they were too small. That part of the problem would be solved.

Why on earth should OP change her approach to dressing her own baby, as long as baby is adequately and comfortably clothed for the weather?

It's fine if some people prefer to put your baby in daytime "outfits" from day one, but I'm sure the OP can already use her brain enough to think through whether she wants to do that or not (leaving aside the specifics of what MIL is purchasing). She doesn't have to change how she parents her own baby just to be polite to MIL.

Really sorry you are dealing with this, OP. It sounds very strange and concerning about your MIL.

‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

"To which the only answer is:
"MiL, nobody needs to spend £680 on 'looking presentable', & since you've been so rude, I am going to be blunt, You are choosing NOT TO HEAR ME when I explain that the clothes you buy are the wrong size, & very uncomfortable for him, like the stiff jeans that would have chafed his legs.
Can you please stop trying to control whay MY baby wears? Thanks - now, do you want a cuppa?"

& move swiftly on.

She will be shocked, you will likely get a huffy strop performance.
But if you use the "broken record" technique, & just keep repeating the above, she will eventually realise she can no longer control or bully you with her stupid tactics.

Once you've cured her of her ridiculous clothes-spending habit, she'll likely develop another one.
Use the same technique.
Expect an extinction burst every time you tackle her on a similar behaviour - but overbearing people are like toddlers, you have to stick to your guns a long time before they get it.
youarenotsosmart.com/2010/07/07/extinction-burst/

If she is a regular at the boutique they may well recognise the clothes she has been buying if you take them back, they might offer to exchange them for something more suitable, but I would agree with pp that you tell them your babies true age and size and that she buys the wrong things,

If you hold the clothes against ds can she not see that they're too small? Maybe try to put him into one thing to show her they won't fit?

Then you pick up each thing and tell her why it's impractical, or why you have made the decision that you need sleepsuits with feet/fold over mittens etc.

Remind her that babies are messy and clothes are ruined by drool, sick, poo etc and that's why it makes far more sense to dress them in things which are easy to get on and off, make nappy changing quick, can just be chucked if they get, say, beetroot poo all over them (I never found a way to get the stains of beetroot poo off). Even if clothes aren't ruined they need to be quick to wash and dry, as there aren't enough drawers in the world to hold all the clothes one needs for a baby these days!

Suggest she get one really nice outfit for when he's a bit older which he could wear for a special occasion. Then forget it.

@Babyboomtastic op has already stated earlier in the thread that mil was trying to force her 4 week old baby into denim jeans that were stiff and too small. She is still buying the clothes. Stop trying to make the op out to be some kind of pfb unreasonable dil by deliberately misinterpretating or blatantly ignoring her posts.

OP, I think you've been completely reasonable and there is clearly something going on with MIL that goes far beyond treating the baby to nice things.

It's completely understandable that she wants to splash a bit of cash on her first grandchild, but she's clearly using these situations as a way to exert some authority over you. Which isn't acceptable, but is probably pretty common, particularly if she has some deep-rooted resentment for her own background, or a bit of jealousy around you.

As many others have said, it may be best that your DH takes the lead in talking to her - appreciate that you're a team, but I think this situation needs quick management so it doesn't escalate into your MIL doing this about future situations - your son's eating, his schooling etc. I know that might sound dramatic, but getting her to calm down about clothes now might mean less drama in the future.

The financial fund idea is a good one.

You definitely can't go to the baby boutique and talk about her behind her back - that will worsen the situation and genuinely isn't fair on her. You could go together, and talk to the sales people about baby's actual clothes size - then at least they'll sell her bigger things when she next goes back.

I think it's pretty disturbing she throws clothes away when they're dirty (no matter how rich you are, that is bonkers), that she refuses to believe what size he is, and that she calls a baby a 'slob'.

Perhaps you could buy him a dinner suit or a tuxedo in the correct size for him to wear when she next comes round?

Keep standing your ground, being kind, and hopefully she'll realise that uncomfortable, tiny, waste-of-money clothes are a weird hill for her to die on and get bored of it.

It’s easy:

Put the baby in her clothes and take lots of pics, in the garden, in his bed, in the living room. Periodically send a pic, so she thinks the clothes get worn

Sell the clothes on e-bay

If she enquires, say they are in the wash or he’s grown out of them.

Periodically keep sending pics of baby in her outfits

That’s what we did anyway It kept MIL happy.

"Or that OP will not tell other Mums how rubbish the shop is."

The shop isn't rubbish though is it?

They are selling the customer (Mil) what she chooses to buy!

"Put the baby in her clothes and take lots of pics, in the garden, in his bed, in the living room. Periodically send a pic, so she thinks the clothes get worn"

Then she'll continue to buy them!

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class. She was a receptionist and FIL worked in a bank. Basically, she was from a poor background until she married FIL who was lower middle class and thought herself terribly well to do once she married. It’s sweet in a way. She is a very showy person and flaunts how well off she is but in reality they were probably earning just below average and lives in a really modest 3 bed terrace which is lovely but nothing very grand. To her though I think because they had a mortgage and owned it, it was a sign of how well she was doing. Her brothers and sisters refer to her as hyacinth to wind her up grin. She’s always been quite competitive with me as well which I think plays a part. I actually do come from a bit of money (professional parents and a 4 bed detached, not downtown abbey) and I earn well so DH and I live in a lovely house and have a lifestyle she probably thinks is extravagant. I wonder whether she thinks she has to buy expensive stuff because she thinks that’s what we expect?
Taking all those comments into account the poor woman obviously feels judged hence why the expensive clothes - if you can write it, your face tells it. I feel sorry for MIL.

That sounds really awful. es[pecially as she can'r afford to throw money away.

Next time she comes with some too-small garment I suggest you say "Oh, how kind; would you like to put it on him right away" and let her try.

Then when she can't, maybe the message will get through.

Then, suggest that instead of buying clothes, she invests her money into a savings account for him. Call it his University Fund or his First Car/House fund. Make a big deal of how generous she is but at least channel the money into some positive benefit.

@Babyboomtastic

If you tried the clothes on your baby in front of MIL then she'd realise they were too small. That part of the problem would be solved.

Did you read the bit about the MIL trying to squeeze him into the too-small jeans and failing?