MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

OP I’ve got a similar problem but the other way around, MIL will see the kids dressed in M&S, John Lewis or Joules and ask where the outfits are from then turn up the next week with bagfuls of stuff from Matalan in the wrong size, say they’re 5 months old she’ll buy ten outfits in 3-6 months, but won’t buy one outfit from M&S because it’s “too expensive”. And she doesn’t keep the receipts so if we want to return it we have to hope the store will do it as a good will gesture.

I took all the stuff back once because I’d reached the end of my tether, and ended up with a Matalan store credit for £120, but to be honest I’d struggle to spend £120 in Matalan over a year.

Now it just goes in a bag for two months then dropped off at the charity bin in the supermarket. Like you I wish she’d just put the money in a savings account for them rather than handing it to a shop for nothing but she will not be told.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Do nothing, just do what you're doing now. She'll give up eventually.

I think so.

She has a problem, needs some professional help. This is an obsession.

Irritating as it is, just be kind. It won't last forever.

I think she likes being fawned over by the shop staff, spending lots and being made a big deal of. She wouldn't get this in Asda, Next etc. She wants to have the pleasure of shopping, to get the ego boost. Because of this, I don't think there is any use in suggesting alternative shops and putting money aside.

All you can do is keep saying that you don't want the clothes, any they don't fit. Keep it simple and rinse/repeat.

My advice is be honest about the comfort and about the money.

But also how grateful you are that she wants him to have lovely stuff but that it needs to be a bit softer. (Even maybe invent an interest in organic cotton etc?)

Make an event of it maybe? Go to John Lewis shopping with her. Make it an outing.

Get her addicted to the stuff that mums get addicted to.

The expensive (not compare to what she's spending but for me it was) yet comfy stuff. Show her Frugi, JoJo, Mini Boden etc.

Best of both worlds then! I'm lucky in that my MIL has a Boden addiction anyway and most of my girls favourite baby outfits were MiniBoden gifts from Nanny-with-the-Dogs.

If she’s spending money like water when she doesn’t have the funds in the bank then obviously something is very wrong. Does your DH have any concerns about his mothers wellbeing? Maybe she does have a little nest egg and wants to spend it on her grandson. Her wording isn’t great and sounds quite brash and expecting you to put your son in clothes that don’t fit is ridiculous but I do detect a touch of inverse snobbery in your post to be honest. But then you’d probably judge me because as well as Sainsbury’s I also bought my children clothes from Jojo maman Bebe and the white company

If you know where they are from can you try to return them? If not do you have a friend who has a younger baby? Say to MIL thank you for the clothes but they are too small, do you want to return them or shall I gift them to xyz for little bobby etc

Can you suggest she saves the money for your son even if it’s for treats/toys when he’s more able to appreciate it? It’s painful to hear about her unwittingly wasting her money like that and your son not even being able to wear the clothes even just for her visit

The shop sound like they’re taking advantage.

Sorry I have only read the OP posts I’m sure my suggestions aren’t new.

The fact she is removing the tags is just odd. Preventing you from returning them or even getting decent value on resale. I'd also wonder if they were stolen (by her or maybe someone she buys off)

Just have them back each time and say they are not suitable/size/fit. Her issue not yours.

@Potpourri23

If she's wanting to put them straight on him I'd let her crack on. It'll be the easiest way to let her know she's buying sizes that are way too small.

I’d do that as well.

@diddl

"‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him."

I'd find that very hard to get past tbh.

What a completely horrible thing to say.

Totally. I am surprised the OP wasn't as outraged at that. I would be livid, and would ask her to leave and tell her she is not to come back until she is ready to make a sincere apology. No way would I put up with that level of insult and abuse. Nobody has to put up with being accused of neglecting their child and not caring about him, in their own home, even if it is the MIL. OP (and her DH) needs to stop being a passive doormat, put on her big girl pants, grow some ovaries and really have it out with MIL and put her in her place.

Wowser. On her children’s home comment, our DC are adopted and spent the first 8 months of their lives in foster care.

DD was squashed into horribly too small clothes because her foster carer knew she was moving on to us soon and presumably didn’t want to spend the money on clothes that fit. I feel very upset just thinking about it. So tell her kids in ‘children’s homes’ can be in too small clothes and kids who are looked after properly are in clothes that fit!

@Stonecrop

Try and take as much of it back as you can. Put the money aside for her so you can give it back to her if she needs it in the future. Tell her you are doing this and why (clothes too small and, impractical and a waste of money)

I was going to say this. Keep the labels on whenever possible and take the clothes back, then put the refunds aside to help her in the future. If you can't do that then consider selling them on ebay or similar.

@Confusedandshaken

I'm fascinated by the jeans incident. You "obviously' asked her to leave? That isn't obvious to me at all. Taking the jeans off the baby, comforting him and redressing him in something more suitable is obvious but asking his granny to leave seems excessive to me.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - if you had soothed him, redressed him and then given him to his granny for a cuddle she might have learned from the incident. That mum knows best and she can have a lovely time with her GS if she does things your way. As it is you have declared war. Luckily as the mum it's a war you are bound to win but in doing so you've probably made your life and your DH's life more difficult.

I was 4 weeks PP after an episiotomy, still very sore and bleeding. I asked if she could just sit with him while he was fast asleep and shout me if he woke up because he’d need a feed and I’d come down.

Instead, she chose to wake my sleeping baby to force him into jeans after I’d expressly told her that same day that we wanted him in sleepsuits even during the day so he was comfy and warm. So, after I’d stopped her and redressed him the atmosphere was awful because she knew she’d done something I didn’t want her to do and I didn’t need that energy around me with a baby attached to my boob. So while I was feeding and she was just sitting there not offering to get me tea or help (whole other story), I said ‘actually MIL do you mind heading off and we’ll see you another time?’

So yeah, I asked her to leave pretty immediately. Within about 5 mins.

Can you resell some stuff of the clothes to give her back the money!

Shops don't have to refund though. If as the OP says it's a small independent boutique, then her MIL is buying a lot there and is possibly one of their biggest customers. Why should they refund and take the hit on their profits?

Shops only have to refund if an item is faulty. Not because the OP doesn't want it, or it doesn't fit. And if MIL has taken the tags off, that's even more of a hassle for them to try to sell to someone else.

I agree that it's a total waste of money and there are all sorts of things going on about class, appearances and being "better" than the sort of people who dress their kids in supermarket clothing. My MIL was similarly horrified that I put my son in a pink vest which had belonged to his older sister and had barely been worn - not that someone would think he was a girl but that someone might think we couldn't afford new vests for our DS. I was more of the opinion that it was a perfectly good vest and why would I chuck it out and buy another?

The problem with letting her try to put them on DS is that she will literally force stiff fabrics on to him to prove a point and make him very uncomfortable in the process. His reusable nappies are bulky so if the fabric doesn’t stretch it really pinches the skin on the thighs in particular. It will hurt him. I won’t put him through that it’s not fair. He also hates having clothes put on (he loves to be naked) so will scream the place down.

@JimHairy not normal no.
But I would have let her put the money clothes on the baby to prove a point. Maybe do this next time.

Ignore the word money

We posted at the same time so you've already countered my suggestion

@TheGenealogist

Shops don't have to refund though. If as the OP says it's a small independent boutique, then her MIL is buying a lot there and is possibly one of their biggest customers. Why should they refund and take the hit on their profits?

Shops only have to refund if an item is faulty. Not because the OP doesn't want it, or it doesn't fit. And if MIL has taken the tags off, that's even more of a hassle for them to try to sell to someone else.

I agree that it's a total waste of money and there are all sorts of things going on about class, appearances and being "better" than the sort of people who dress their kids in supermarket clothing. My MIL was similarly horrified that I put my son in a pink vest which had belonged to his older sister and had barely been worn - not that someone would think he was a girl but that someone might think we couldn't afford new vests for our DS. I was more of the opinion that it was a perfectly good vest and why would I chuck it out and buy another?

This rings true for me too. We bought a bundle of 6lb size clothes on Facebook marketplace when we realised DS was coming early. It had a mix of stuff in it and some vests etc that were pink. MIL was horrified.

She also thinks we’re mad for washing clothes that DS has been sick on or pooped on. She thinks they should immediately be binned.

[quote PerfectPrepPrincess]@JimHairy not normal no.
But I would have let her put the money clothes on the baby to prove a point. Maybe do this next time.[/quote]
Op shouldn't have to prove a point.

If I told my MIL that certain stuff didn't didn't fit my child because it was the wrong size/not stretchy enough due to terry nappies & she wouldn't do me the courtesy of taking note/believing me then quite honestly she could fuck off.

And if she thinks the price of a babies clothes equal care then she can fuck off even further!

For someone to have that kind of repeated behaviour it sounds like some kind of emotional issue. For instance was she very short of money when her own DC were small. Or is she projecting a different set of expectations on how babies should look? Is baby a Precious First Grandchild?

I'm not sure how you get to the bottom of it but the money seems completely out of proportion - what if you started gifting her expensive clothes that didn't fit her?

The issue is probably not about clothes but maybe her relationship with you/your DH or a fear that she won't be loved/accepted as a granny or something. She's trying to fill a gap with purchasing.

Also thanks everyone for the suggestions. I think what I’m going to do is tot up how much she’s spent in the last 4 months and through my pregnancy, then ask DH to have a chat with her on his own at her house without DS and I. I’ll suggest he asks her to open a savings account for DS and pays in an amount each month if she wants to be helpful/ spoil him that can be used when he’s older and he can appreciate the gifts she’s buying. If the answer is no, we can safely assume the motivation isn’t kindness for DS and probably be a bit firmer with her and start refusing to accept the clothes/ asking her to take them back.

That sounds like a good approach OP.

Although MIL's behaviour might be motivated by liking being fawned over by the boutique staff and deep-rooted insecurities about her own background, there's an unpleasant controlling vibe going on as well in her telling you how much she's spent and taking the tags off before she gives them to you.

I would say that it is up to your partner to deal with this - why are you taking the burden on ?