MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

Is she environmentally minded, Op? That's the angle I'd take, the sheer waste of buying so much and throwing away.

@NotMeNoNo

For someone to have that kind of repeated behaviour it sounds like some kind of emotional issue. For instance was she very short of money when her own DC were small. Or is she projecting a different set of expectations on how babies should look? Is baby a Precious First Grandchild?

I'm not sure how you get to the bottom of it but the money seems completely out of proportion - what if you started gifting her expensive clothes that didn't fit her?

The issue is probably not about clothes but maybe her relationship with you/your DH or a fear that she won't be loved/accepted as a granny or something. She's trying to fill a gap with purchasing.

She dressed DH and his brother in stuff from a catalogue - oshkosh be’gosh I think?? And a lot of designer label stuff she used to get from m and s and Debenhams. So expensive at the time, but not to the level she’s spending on DS. She was a receptionist and FIL worked in a bank. Basically, she was from a poor background until she married FIL who was lower middle class and thought herself terribly well to do once she married. It’s sweet in a way. She is a very showy person and flaunts how well off she is but in reality they were probably earning just below average and lives in a really modest 3 bed terrace which is lovely but nothing very grand. To her though I think because they had a mortgage and owned it, it was a sign of how well she was doing. Her brothers and sisters refer to her as hyacinth to wind her up

She’s always been quite competitive with me as well which I think plays a part. I actually do come from a bit of money (professional parents and a 4 bed detached, not downtown abbey) and I earn well so DH and I live in a lovely house and have a lifestyle she probably thinks is extravagant. I wonder whether she thinks she has to buy expensive stuff because she thinks that’s what we expect?

DS is first grandchild.

@TheGenealogist

Is she environmentally minded, Op? That's the angle I'd take, the sheer waste of buying so much and throwing away.

God no, she thinks reusable nappies are disgusting

@MrsMaizel

I would say that it is up to your partner to deal with this - why are you taking the burden on ?

Because we’re a team?

Just because he’s going to be the one actually having the conversation doesn’t mean I can’t help him figure out how to approach it.

Do you not tackle situations together with your husband?

I’d just say you want to choose your own child’s clothes and she is being outrageously rude commenting on them as she does. TELL her you won’t be accepting any more clothes and GIVE THEM BACK if she ignores you. If you actually mean it and follow through there is no longer an issue.

She also thinks we’re mad for washing clothes that DS has been sick on or pooped on. She thinks they should immediately be binned.

Does this include the designer stuff?

Your solution sounds good. Another suggestion I have, which isn’t a solution but may at least help mitigate the issue until it is sorted out - go to the posh boutique with your DS. Have a browse (they don’t know you’re not planning on buying anything). Get chatting to the staff there, mention that your MIL has been shopping there a lot but keeps coming back with things in the wrong size. Show them DS actual size, mention the cloth nappies and talk a bit about the sort of styles that you like, so that next time she comes in they can steer her that way.

@HaveringWavering

She also thinks we’re mad for washing clothes that DS has been sick on or pooped on. She thinks they should immediately be binned.

Does this include the designer stuff?

Your solution sounds good. Another suggestion I have, which isn’t a solution but may at least help mitigate the issue until it is sorted out - go to the posh boutique with your DS. Have a browse (they don’t know you’re not planning on buying anything). Get chatting to the staff there, mention that your MIL has been shopping there a lot but keeps coming back with things in the wrong size. Show them DS actual size, mention the cloth nappies and talk a bit about the sort of styles that you like, so that next time she comes in they can steer her that way.

Good idea about the boutique, I was planning to go anyway and just have a chat about how much MIL is spending. I’m in 2 minds though because it really isn’t their responsibility. Your approach is much better and will at least put on the radar that I’m on to them!

@JimHairy

*Because we’re a team?

Just because he’s going to be the one actually having the conversation doesn’t mean I can’t help him figure out how to approach it.

Do you not tackle situations together with your husband?*

I said that because you mentioned that she can't afford it , pension etc and I would consider that as a son - mother chat which might go better.

Personally I would NEVER go and talk to a shop about anyones spending, it’s utterly disrespectful and in appropriate. As I said stop accepting her presents and tell her when you find her rude.

You can completely ham it up and say how sad you are that so much doesn’t fit but she keeps taking the tags off. I guess the problem is whether they sell anything at all that you would actually like. An obviously this doesn’t address the issue of her potentially spending beyond her means.

Your description of your MIL in the interim confirms to me that your H would be the better person.

She dressed DH and his brother in stuff from a catalogue - oshkosh be’gosh I think?? And a lot of designer label stuff she used to get from m and s and Debenhams. So expensive at the time, but not to the level she’s spending on DS. She was a receptionist and FIL worked in a bank. Basically, she was from a poor background until she married FIL who was lower middle class and thought herself terribly well to do once she married. It’s sweet in a way. She is a very showy person and flaunts how well off she is but in reality they were probably earning just below average and lives in a really modest 3 bed terrace which is lovely but nothing very grand. To her though I think because they had a mortgage and owned it, it was a sign of how well she was doing. Her brothers and sisters refer to her as hyacinth to wind her up grin

She’s always been quite competitive with me as well which I think plays a part. I actually do come from a bit of money (professional parents and a 4 bed detached, not downtown abbey) and I earn well so DH and I live in a lovely house and have a lifestyle she probably thinks is extravagant. I wonder whether she thinks she has to buy expensive stuff because she thinks that’s what we expect?

I think she is being over the top, but it covers across like you don't want any of the stuff she brings, almost on principle.

You also seem very welded to your son only wearing sleep suits and vests etc, and that's totally your call, but isn't there a middle ground here?

I will say, I personally only used sleep suits at night, as a reserve outfit it if they were ill, as I much preferred then wearing outfits in the day, from as soon as they got home from hospital. And whilst some came from supermarkets, most were more in the John Lewis/frugi/baby Boden type, though often second hand.

I don't think there is anything wrong with either way, it's personal preference. I don't think your refusal to try the clothes on in front of her helps - especially when it comes to sizes. At least if she buys things that fit, they'll be more comfortable and you might get some use out of them.

Her comments were seen, and uncalled for, but I detent quite a lot of inverse snobbery from you as well.

@5zeds

Personally I would NEVER go and talk to a shop about anyones spending, it’s utterly disrespectful and in appropriate. As I said stop accepting her presents and tell her when you find her rude.

100% agree on this .

Personally I would NEVER go and talk to a shop about anyones spending, it’s utterly disrespectful and in appropriate. As I said stop accepting her presents and tell her when you find her rude.

I agree. It's astonishingly rude and inappropriate.

They also may well tell her, and that could cause a huge family argument.

@5zeds

Personally I would NEVER go and talk to a shop about anyones spending, it’s utterly disrespectful and in appropriate. As I said stop accepting her presents and tell her when you find her rude.

She’s not going to do that. The idea is to go in as a customer and mention in passing that MIL has been having trouble finding the right sizes and styles. Not go in on a mission to discuss MIL’s spending. You pick something up and say “My MIL bought this last week but unfortunately she’s not used to sizing up for cloth nappies”. Conversation then flows. It sounds like they might live in a small town where it would be entirely natural for the staff to go “oh, yes, so you’re Elsie’s DIL and this must be Oliver, she’s always telling us about him”.

@5zeds @Babyboomtastic @MrsMaizel she has just said that she is NOT going to do this.

@Babyboomtastic

I think she is being over the top, but it covers across like you don't want any of the stuff she brings, almost on principle.

You also seem very welded to your son only wearing sleep suits and vests etc, and that's totally your call, but isn't there a middle ground here?

I will say, I personally only used sleep suits at night, as a reserve outfit it if they were ill, as I much preferred then wearing outfits in the day, from as soon as they got home from hospital. And whilst some came from supermarkets, most were more in the John Lewis/frugi/baby Boden type, though often second hand.

I don't think there is anything wrong with either way, it's personal preference. I don't think your refusal to try the clothes on in front of her helps - especially when it comes to sizes. At least if she buys things that fit, they'll be more comfortable and you might get some use out of them.

Her comments were seen, and uncalled for, but I detent quite a lot of inverse snobbery from you as well.

He was in sleepsuits as a tiny baby, since about 12 weeks he’s in leggings/ vests/ jumpers/ dungerees in the day now.

It’s inverse snobbery to want my baby to be comfy? Ok.

The reason I like stretchy stuff and soft materials is because reusable nappies are really bulky and restrict his movement. Having stiff materials on top of that would be like a straight jacket.

I was planning to go anyway and just have a chat about how much MIL is spending.

@HaveringWavering, that quote is from the OP, so yes she had been considering going and talking to them about her spending.

@Somuchgoo

I was planning to go anyway and just have a chat about how much MIL is spending.

@HaveringWavering, that quote is from the OP, so yes she had been considering going and talking to them about her spending.

Yes. Then in response to my suggestion she said she would not do it that way after all.

@Somuchgoo

I was planning to go anyway and just have a chat about how much MIL is spending.

@HaveringWavering, that quote is from the OP, so yes she had been considering going and talking to them about her spending.

Yep, I was half considering it. Decided against as the rest of that post you’ve decided to ignore states.

I’m in 2 minds though because it really isn’t their responsibility. Your approach is much better and will at least put on the radar that I’m on to them!

@Somuchgoo not sure why that was unclear to you?

You know you can have outfits that are comfy right?

Is it just principle that nothing that MIL buys is comfy?

Okay....

I'm also not sure that talking to the shop at all is a good idea.

She likes what she likes & more than likely will continue to buy that.

I mean if none of the items are returned to the shop-why would they bother to steer her towards stuff that Op likes?

Whilst I'm glad you've reconsidered it and decided not to, the point still stands that it was considered, even though it would be incredibly innapropriate to do so. It's innapropriate to the extent that I'm amazed it even crossed your mind, let alone was something you planned.

I really think you are better if leaving your husband to deal with this as he is the son. Though most of this could have been avoided if you/husband tried the clothes on baby to show her they were too small.