MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

@Siameasy

Yanbu Our child in outfit for a photo then sell on Vinted. Sell the item that is

Well, selling the baby would probably solve the problem

Why would you go non contact for this?
Do the kind thing. Meet up with her for a coffee and shopping. Show her the things that you do like.
She doesn't need to be the enemy over this, but for some reason she's got it into her head that expensive = better. Offer to show her different! maybe Next rather than Asda though

Sorry I’m crap at reading any post that’s more than a few lines - just sell the clothes if you don’t think you can get through to her. She’s trying to impose her values on you but I think it’s DH’s argument to have not yours. I kind of got the impression with mine that they wanted a pretty Princess DGD and the stuff we were bought initially (designer wear and yes it’s so impractical) reflected that. As you resist she will realise it’s not working.

Sounds like she has a massive lack of self esteem and thinks she can buy it. The people in that shop fawning over her, are properly feeding her ego.

As others suggest, talk to her and then receive n ignore those that don't fit. But also from several of your posts I sense an undercurrent. Do you like her at all? Do you like each other? Not a Biggie but I sense there is a back story and she's just your bitch eating crackers

I treated my niece , when she was little, as brother not to well off, it was tesco stuff, made sure it was right size tho.
Seems needy and extreme your case

Do nothing. It's for your DH to resolve. His mum, his problem.

Is she usually pleasant/sane?

Sell them on Ebay. She's off her trolley for doing it, but you may as well get some benefit. Imagine having hundreds in the bank for selling baby tat.

Can I ask what your DH said to his mother (who is clearly who they were talking about when they came up with the saying "A fool and their money are soon parted") when she said this:
"DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’"

OP, your response is disproportionate to the problem. You are considering NC because she is buying not suitable clothes for your baby? Do you see how ridiculous it sounds?
She is probably over compensating for all the times in her life where she had no opportunity to buy anything nice for her babies. There is a very simple solution - tell her you appreciate she wants the best things for your baby, but he is really a very big baby and needs different sizes. Measure him in front of her so she knows he now fits in a bigger size. Let her buy a couple of outfits..ask her to buy something soft otherwise he is not going to want to wear it. Also perhaps keep your attitude under control. Not everyone believes supermarket clothes are the only sensible choice. She is not asking you to spend your own money on more expensive stuff, she just buys her own. And don't tell her to open a savings account. It is really your job to do it.

Surely this is illegal? You can probably report them for this!

@onelittlefrog Why would that be illegal? They can sell whatever they want for whatever price they want.

If MIL is happy to buy at an overinflated price rather than doing the research herself and buying online then there’s no issue.

Yes, you could say she’s being taken advantage of, but if she’s not willing to shop around that’s on her. It’s not illegal.

Does no one read the bloody OP. She very clearly states she doesnt want to go NC. So why are so many posters jumping on her claiming she is suggesting this?

@Iwonder08

OP, your response is disproportionate to the problem. You are considering NC because she is buying not suitable clothes for your baby? Do you see how ridiculous it sounds? She is probably over compensating for all the times in her life where she had no opportunity to buy anything nice for her babies. There is a very simple solution - tell her you appreciate she wants the best things for your baby, but he is really a very big baby and needs different sizes. Measure him in front of her so she knows he now fits in a bigger size. Let her buy a couple of outfits..ask her to buy something soft otherwise he is not going to want to wear it. Also perhaps keep your attitude under control. Not everyone believes supermarket clothes are the only sensible choice. She is not asking you to spend your own money on more expensive stuff, she just buys her own. And don't tell her to open a savings account. It is really your job to do it.

@Iwonder08 The OP NEVER said they are considering going NC. In fact, they pre-empted other posters by saying "I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that". Re-read their OP.

However, I personally think threatening the MIL with going LC may be something that just may make her wind her neck in a bit, and if it works, then good. When the MIL is insulting the parents, suggesting the child looks like it lives in a children's home and is neglected, well I think that level of abuse and disrespect qualifies for LC at least.

@Iwonder08 Also perhaps keep your attitude under control. See now you are being so ridiculous. It's ok for the MIL to become angry, aggressive, abusive and insulting, but it's the OP that has to 'keep their attitude under control'? Wtf? That suggestion can fuck right off. It's not the OP (who seems quite passive imo) who needs to 'keep their attitude under control'. Maybe the OP needs to get a big of an attitude. Maybe that's the problem.

*bit, not big

Is she buying them nudge nudge wink wink ie fallen off the back of the lorry and can’t take them back so she’s irritated that you won’t put him in them because she’s stuck with them? Another reason why she “knows” the price but takes the labels off. Also why they come in sizes that don’t fit, that’s all the “seller” had?

Wrt sizing, why don't you pick up something he was wearing (maybe change of trousers at nappy time) and hold them against something she's bought. Demonstrate that it really doesn't fit.

I suspect she felt embarrassed and guilty she couldn't buy expensive stuff for her children and is trying to make up for it. The fact you're happy with cheap clothing is throwing her and she can't actually cope.

After the jeans incident she would not be left alone with him again. I'd take the children's home comment personally. I'd really just bag up the whole lot and sell it on ebay. My younger 2 DC are 13 and 9, certainly old enough to choose their own clothes. I've explained to DM that the clothes she buys aren't to their taste. She reads this as "You're so strict about the clothes they wear." Now she refuses to buy anything and gives me the money instead, even though I've told her what kind of things to buy. Stuff from the boys' range for DD2, and anything with Marvel, Jurassic Park or Star Wars on for DS2. I now feel like she can't be bothered to look for the things I've asked for.

"‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him."

I'd find that very hard to get past tbh.

What a completely horrible thing to say.

@Lockdownbear

Point her in the direction of M&S or Next or somewhere in between Asda and the £££ boutiques. She's desperate to spend on the baby and shop for cute clothes.

Let her try the outfits on him so she can see they don't fit, seeing is believing. Grandmother's are daft and become smitten by baby stuff.

Watch out for the he'll grow into it nonsense too. Won't be the first time we've had character on clothing be outgrown before it actually fitted.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. M&S does have much nicer and better looking baby clothes than the supermarkets. I do dress mine in a lot of george and nutmeg clothing but the M&S stuff still looks good after two babies. If it is brand new without tags you should be able to ebay it.

This sounds very compulsive and like it's answering some emotional need or very deeprooted insecurity like others have said. And the idea of opening a bank account doesn't sound like it'll work because it sounds like going to this particular shop and the actual purchasing is part of the addiction (as that's what it's coming across like) somehow - putting money in a bank account is not exciting and does not contain an activity in it with all the associated things to that she is enjoying. We don't really know what is feeding her need - whether it's the shopping itself, the personal experience of the particular shop telling her those clothes are superior or giving her very personal treatment or the items themselves. So maybe it takes a bit of experimenting to work it out. The fact she gets so angry may well be an indication that this is related to insecurities or things that are very sensitive to talk about so I'm not sure if it'll be that easy to just chat it through with her - even for your partner. People don't always know why they do things. Sometimes people seem to get reflected attention through babies wearing particular things. Perhaps she wants to get approving comments or be able to show her friends pictures to impress them? Perhaps she is simply terrified of people judging the baby as being poorly dressed due to things that maybe happened when she was young as people have said. Maybe she was bullied badly or felt shame as someone said. Which can be a very powerful emotion and perhaps make it even harder for her to have self-awareness or be open about.

You might not find what works straight away but I think as she's really struggling financially you need to try and do something - for her, let alone yourselves. Maybe try and work out what it is about the buying that is so important to her and seeing if you can redirect or get that experience another way that doesn't cost the earth. Perhaps if you and your DH went on some shopping trips with her and if that's enjoyable she might keep it up going to those places and cut out the boutique? Or if she does get something more appropriate you can immediately dress the baby in it so she can feel she made an impact? And maybe making it clear you are not going to accept the snobbish sounding remarks but being gentle if you can as it sounds like she has a proper emotional issue surrounding this that she's not completely in control of.

Its also more of a working class thing to have immaculate baby clothes and posh pram almost to prove you can provide for the child, a bit like to immaculate home thing. That is a generalisation but it is broadly right.

If she's wanting to put them straight on him I'd let her crack on. It'll be the easiest way to let her know she's buying sizes that are way too small.

I would be telling her in advance that you will no longer be accepting baby clothes from her, and if she brings them you won’t take them. Then if she brings them, give them back and refuse to take them. It’s mean but in the long run it’s kinder as she’ll no longer be wasting her money, and it is wasted money if he isn’t wearing the clothing.

It’s kind to give gifts to someone, but when you’ve been told they don’t want those gifts it becomes for you rather than for them.

haven't read every message so may be repeating but from experience(told I was lower class wanting a sit down meal at our wedding and insisted on shopping at Harrods for baby clothes!!) I know how difficult this can be.
I saw someone mention that if she wanted she could put money aside for university.
We have always been lucky enough to have a very good income but I have always shopped at George, Sains, Tesco, Next etc for babies and young children. We then put extra money into child savings accounts for uni so locked away until they are 18. Now means they each have enough to cover uni or something else if they choose not to go.
Only now mine are teenagers that Nike, Hollister, Addidas etc creeping in. Certainly with babies I loved George and still buy for lots of friends over the years. The soft and comfy sleepsuits are fantastic.

I would try to explain you are grateful for her generosity but it could be used better for the future.

Just saw that this may be beyond her means. If that is the case then her son really needs to talk to her if she is coming around with £680 worth of baby clothes.