MIL buying ridiculously expensive baby clothes..

[JimHairy]

My MIL keeps buying my 4 month old insanely expensive baby clothes. We’re talking £120 pairs of jeans that are really stiff so he can’t wear them anyway (not comfy) all the way down to £40 sleepsuits that don’t have feet or fold over mittens so aren’t practical for him.

This sounds like such a non issue and usually I’d be of the thinking ‘let her crack on, it’s her money to burn’ etc but she gets REALLY offended when she visits and DS is wearing something cheap (usually George at Asda stuff, it’s cheap and comfy!).

Every time she comes over she brings a new batch of clothes but doesn’t listen when we tell her he’s wearing 6-9 months at 4 months old. She thinks he’s not actually that size it’s just because we buy cheap clothes and they shrink. She’s buying him 3-6 months and none of it fits even before it’s washed.

Yesterday she turned up with £680 worth of stuff (I know the price because she told us, she always does) including 2 outfits at £140 each that are way way too small and I couldn’t put him in anyway because they both look really impractical. He’s also in reusable nappies so if the crotch on things isn’t cut for cloth nappies, they won’t fit. She demanded DS got changed into one of them immediately and when I said no, she tried to take him off the floor where he was happy playing. DH said ‘no mum don’t do that, he’s happy how he is’ and then she got really angry and said (word for word) ’ ‘he looks like he lives in the children’s home like no one cares about him. Someone has to make him presentable’

He was wearing a vest, a pair of socks, leggings and a dribble bib. Fairly standard baby clothing I thought?

The other problem is that MIL isn’t well off at all. She doesn’t come from money either, totally working class through and through so I don’t know where this is coming from. She retired 5 years ago and doesn’t have any savings at all. Her retirement payout had to be used on the house which was falling into disrepair. Her pension is ok but she’s always complaining she can’t afford a holiday etc etc. She really can’t afford what she’s spending on DS and I suspect is paying for it on store cards.

Wtf do we do? I don’t want to take a nuclear option and NC or anything like that, but I do want to put a stop to her buying impractical expensive clothes for DS for her sake, and also somehow stop the judgement she has about cheap baby clothes??

She is trying to spoil your DS and she is being taken advantage of by the boutique. Your DH has to tell her to stop. I would suggest a savings account for the money but I doubt its paid in cash.

Set yourself up on depop or similar and sell them

If take them back to the local boutique even if they dont have the tags.

I’m sure she will get the message when this pops up on the mirror/sun on fb as seems to be so common lately 😱

Seriously through, it sounds very difficult. Maybe your Dh could try to talk sense into her. £680 is a huge amount of money

@JimHairy

I can’t send them back unfortunately because she takes the tags off them before she gives them to us.

I really hope she gets bored. She’s just SO judgemental about it and like you lot, my attitude is they mostly get dribbled/ sicked/ pee’ed on so what’s the point??

Thanks for the sense check, I was fairly certain it was normal to not spend a fortune on baby clothes but I had started questioning myself.

eBay?

Your DH needs to speak to her not you.
NC is an extreme reaction.
But simply, she will give up if you never put him in the clothes

She sounds like she has massive underlying issues about having enough money/looking 'respectable' and is applying them to your family. Obviously she is BU but tackling it might not be as simple as simply saying no. My husband and I tend to say 'That won't work as it is a rational solution for an emotional problem', generally when we are discussing his mum. This sounds like something similar. It also sounds like she might have had The Fear of children's homes when her own DC were small, or when she was a child herself (your DP may be able to remember things she's said in this vein from his own childhood).

Your DP needs to sort it out, in any case. "Mum, DC is fine. The most amazing thing you could do is save all this money in an account for them - imagine the playset/toys etc they could pick for themselves, with you, when they are older. You'll be the best Granny ever". That might work, perhaps?

I wonder if she is overcompensating for her own deprived childhood? The shame of being poorly dressed, perhaps. I agree the boutique owners are talking the piss. She probably gets treated like royalty while she's spending money. My FIL hardly drove, but (in his 90s) was buying a new car every year or so because the salespeople at the local Mercedes garage were so nice to him

It is a tricky one. Yes she would get marvellous savings at tk maxx, but nobody would chat to her and make her feel special.

I'm fascinated by the jeans incident. You "obviously' asked her to leave? That isn't obvious to me at all. Taking the jeans off the baby, comforting him and redressing him in something more suitable is obvious but asking his granny to leave seems excessive to me.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - if you had soothed him, redressed him and then given him to his granny for a cuddle she might have learned from the incident. That mum knows best and she can have a lovely time with her GS if she does things your way. As it is you have declared war. Luckily as the mum it's a war you are bound to win but in doing so you've probably made your life and your DH's life more difficult.

Its quite sad really, maybe she could never afford to dress her kids in expensive /new clothes, so is making up for it with her grandson.
What is wrong , is going against your wishes, being rude and probably getting herself in debt.
There's nothing wrong with very expensive babywear, as long as its comfy and it's not making you broke!
As for going nc, as someone suggested, get real, that's very unkind. Her son needs to have a strict word with her and she needs to respect not only your wishes, but to be polite too.
Good Luck!

@confusedandshaken
I love that saying 'you catch more flies with honey than sugar ' I've never heard it before.
I agree 100% with your post too.

OP - the thing that concerns me here is where you say your MIL tried to take your DS off the floor when you had clearly said "no".

I've had this dynamic with an IL, and it is not a minor thing. It's your IL making a clear statement that they have authority over your child that trumps your authority. If your DH does not step in at that point and stop the situation immediately, and you do not immediately stop it, then you are in difficulties. It becomes a habit, you yourself may become gradually marginalised in the family. The frustration then may build between you and DH, who really ought to stand up to MIL. Then soon you have marital conflict on your hands.

If I may suggest a way of thinking about it: Could you consider how this situation would play out if your MIL was instead a large friendly dog, or a boisterous teenager?

In those situations, it would be the most natural thing in the world to calmly but clearly set boundaries, and to send the person home if they over-stepped the mark. With a few repetitions, you would expect them to learn and to behave sensibly in future.

That is what needs to happen here, and I would really urge you to take action asap before the habit becomes much harder to break.

You and your DH are in charge of the baby. Do not let your MIL get ideas above her station.

@Confusedandshaken

I'm fascinated by the jeans incident. You "obviously' asked her to leave? That isn't obvious to me at all. Taking the jeans off the baby, comforting him and redressing him in something more suitable is obvious but asking his granny to leave seems excessive to me.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - if you had soothed him, redressed him and then given him to his granny for a cuddle she might have learned from the incident. That mum knows best and she can have a lovely time with her GS if she does things your way. As it is you have declared war. Luckily as the mum it's a war you are bound to win but in doing so you've probably made your life and your DH's life more difficult.

I really don't think that the OP is the one in the wrong in that situation! The MIL is the one making life difficult here.

It does sound like she has something going on - emotional? stress? worries that she’s trying to offset with this focus on clothes? My DM has acted in a similar way (not baby-related) and it was a symptom of emotional upset.

Trying to dress your 4 wk old in jeans is totally overstepping though. That, and her comments about baby ‘looking like a slob’ are too much and ridiculous.

Get your DH to speak to her. Give her a list of clothes brands that ‘fit baby’, including some higher end ones. Tell her you’re upset she’s wasting her money like this and are concerned about her.

Sorry but calling your baby a 'slob' for wearing a babygro in the day made me laugh! 😂

It does sound like she has an impulsive shopping habit that will be hard to curb. I like the idea of DH taking her on a shopping trip to John Lewis or TKMaxx to redirect this habit to clothes that are more affordable but a bit up from supermarket clothes. If possible I would also sell some of the clothes (although realise this would be a pain!) and keep the money aside for paying of her debt.

I thought someone would mention dementia, (although it took a while!)

Yanbu
Our child in outfit for a photo then sell on Vinted.
Sell the item that is

If you're concerned she doesn't believe you about the sizing because you buy "cheap brands", & you don't want her to change him because she's too rough with him (which I agree it does sound like she is), could you show her? Choose whatever looks like it will be softest & least difficult, & you try to put it on in front of her. Show her it won't go on easily, doesn't do up/stay closed, doesn't have sufficient movement, etc.

Or, just return them or sell them. If she insists on bringing all this stuff round, what else can you do. Either keep the money aside & give it back to her, or bank it for your child if she refuses to cooperate.

We have told all family members we do not need anything for our 2nd baby she's the same sex and we kept all her sisters stuff! Mil has already bought stuff! So DH informed her again and said if she really wants to spoil her then we will open a savings account for her no one is obligated to put money in but if they feel they really want to then they can.
I'm just hoping this works baby isn't due until September
When I was sorting out all the baby stuff there was still so much with tags on that didn't get used first time round! People just like to spoil babies

The comment of your baby being dressed like a slob made me laugh out loud!

@Siameasy

Yanbu Our child in outfit for a photo then sell on Vinted. Sell the item that is

Child does not fit into clothes

@Siameasy

Yanbu Our child in outfit for a photo then sell on Vinted. Sell the item that is

Plus the child is being disturbed while asleep to be forced into said clothes and becoming distressed.

He's not a doll or fashion accessory FFS.

I came on to say just let her indulge her grandchild a bit. I buy clothes from Boden etc for my grandchildren and her parents don't. But, she is taking it too far and could easily end up in debt with this level of spending.

Bloody babies, slobbing around all day in vests ......what do they even do?

THisbackwithavengeance 's post about a savings account is very sensible. And if you feel you can't say it to her face because she'll get angry, write her a letter. Also I would be very offended with her description of your child in clothes you bought, and I wouldn't hesitate in telling her so in the letter, even threatening (even if you don't mean it) to reduce her contact with him if she is 'so offended' at seeing him in normal clothes. She has no right to speak about your parenting like that and needs to be told she is out of line.