Already given savings, DSS wants more.

[ScottyandWestie]

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

Well if the are looking at an expensive new build and the price difference is 5k then they can afford a doer upper.

So thats good news!

What a pair of selfish entitled twats they are. How dare they try to manipulate his sister! .

You need to move that money for DSD into something long term that can't be touched.

Wow they sound disgusting. Think I'd enjoy telling them to fuck right off.

I agree with PP your DSS is a selfish git .

Lets say this was not cash , perhaps a car, a very fancy holiday , a piece of art work , etc and DSS wanted it would you expect DSD to just hand it over with little / no chance of ever getting it back ?
Nope

In front of DSS's Gf get DSS to list what he spent all his money on , add it up as he does, does it come to 5k ? I recon there is very little chance of him remembering even half of what he spent his £s on.

Show this thread to DH !

They shouldnt be trying to buy a house they cant afford.. how will they ever pay the day to day bills if they cant even get a deposit together.
They are adults and therefore responsible for their own money, should not be asking around for cash.
Hope your DSD stands firm too and tells them to do one!!
They sound like they deserve each other... make it clear to your husband that capitulation on this will have serious consequences in your relationship too.

Right; I've totally lost the plot of this.

Is DSD at fault? Or DSS?

Actually, it doesn't matter.

If they can't afford it, they can't afford it.

Work, earn money, save up. Like everyone else.

Surely your not considering it?

Cf and the girlfriend is one too

DSD is not 21 until Feb so she does not have the money to give.

If you cave into DSS then it will never end. He will always want money for something.

Hold tight. Stick the money (£4k of it) into a LISA in your daughter's name.

@ScottyandWestie

Yes the girlfriends father is giving them money and lending them money too. They have their eyes on an expensive new build.

Tough shit. Tell them to live within their means, nobody owes them a fancy house.

Just no! An absolute flat no!

Even if I had the money, his entitled rude attitude would mean he wouldn't get a penny. If they want a house then they will have to rethink their expensive new build.

Your poor dsd, I can't believe anyone would consider using her money. It's beyond awful. I'd put the money in an ISA in her name where she can't access it until she's 21

Ah this is a great life lesson for your dss and you should all be pleased he is learning it now. He will be glad one day.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Of course DSD's money shouldn't be given to DSS.

"We already gave you £5000 and if you spent it on something other than a house deposit, that was your choice as an adult. I'm sorry we have no more money to spare."

This!

@LemonSwan

Well if the are looking at an expensive new build and the price difference is 5k then they can afford a doer upper.

So thats good news!

Yeah and they will potentially make more money that way

What an entitled young man! Needs to get in the real world pronto!

Absolutely not. He got his dosh at 21. No more in the kitty.

How are they going to afford a mortgage on a house that isout of their financial league ? What will the repayments be ? - I wouldn;t be surprised if they do buy this expensive house that you find future pleas for money coming your way.

I would tell them they have to do what thousands of other young couples have to do at the moment - rent, work hard and save for a deposit. Or look at houses they can afford if her Dad is giving them deposit money.

They both sound appalling - no idea what the GF is on thinking she can demand money from you that is beyond rude.
There isno shame in saying 'we don;t have the money to spare' and if he mentions DSD's money the answer is 'that is DSD's money - you had yours and you spent it.'

I'd just concentrate on doing everything I could to protect DSD's money and to be there to support her if he and his awful GF try to put pressure on her to give it to them.

Echoing everyone else to say do not give them DSDs money, but alod to add there is no need to feel guilty you can’t match the girlfriend’s parents gifts.
If happens all the time where couples have parents of different financial situations,( ef one of our dc is buying a house and we are lucky enough that both ourselves and my dad have given him some money, whereas his girlfriend’s dad doesn’t own his own home and is not in a position to help at all, difference being she wouldn’t dream of asking)and it was very wrong of her to try to guilt you.

It looks like DSS is living above his means as it is.
If they stretch themselves it all is likely to become even messier.
Your family should stay out of this for that reason alone.

He wouldn't be wanting a loan either would he?
What a little shit!!

What @DeciduousPerennial said.

@ScottyandWestie

Husband struggles with not giving in but DSS abuses it and DSD does not. Now husband is furious about the manipulation of DSD. I'm not sure between DSS and his girlfriend which ones worse. His girlfriend gets on well with DSD.

Pretty sure they won’t get well after this!

He had the same money but spent it....tough.

My son is 19 and pays into an special isa designed for saving for a house deposit.

He set it up of his own back and pays in monthly and am very proud of him for forward thinking, and far more likely to help him out if needed when he is already trying to take responsibility for his financial future.

Tell DSS to get a second job if he needs more money for a deposit for his own fucking house.

Selfish entitled brat.

He has already had his 5k. Do not give into their demands.

They need to learn to live within their means.

I’ve only read your posts OP but surely this is a no brainier. DSS got his £5,00 at 21 and DSD is due to get her £5,00 when she is 21. What’s the dilemma here?