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AIBU?

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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/07/2021 21:02

I can't believe what I'm reading. How dare your DP even contemplate giving his daughter's money (because that's what it is) to these shameless CFs. Really, HOW DARE HE?

You say he's struggling a bit with his self worth. Well tell him just how much more shit he's going to feel about himself when his DD's birthday comes around and he's given her present away.

HelebethH · 25/07/2021 21:03

If you give the money what about future relationship with his sister. Surely she would be very hurt at the favouritism. It could also damage yours and her fathers relationship with her. Please don't do it. I have a relative who was in a similar position and caved. Cheeky elder sibling is now very low contact now they have bled relative dry and younger sibling has always resented the fact her promised money was given away. Relationship between both siblings broken down completly. Elder sibling now has divorced and exwife living in the house and he is up to his eyes in debt trying to tap anyone for "loans"

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 21:03

Well DSD has called, husband told her what DSS was asking for and that we are saying no.
Seems like I underestimated DSS as he had called her earlier today to tell her about the "lovely" house.
He didn't mention asking us for money or getting his hands on hers.
I think he was setting the stage to ask her. She doesn't speak to him much, so knew he was after something. She is cross and husband is upset now at the agro DSS has caused us all.
Girlfriend of DSS had sent photos of the house to DSD, they have an ok relationship. I'm furious at the manipulation. Husband is too.

OP posts:
JSL52 · 25/07/2021 21:04

I can't believe the nerve of some people 😡

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 21:04

You cannot give them what is promised to his sister.

There's nothing to stop them asking her and then it will be her decision but I think they won't.

I daresay when he was 21 he didn't think he would be engaged and wanting to buy a house within a few years; you can't put an old head on young shoulders.

Perhaps they need to lower their sights a little, there must be something cheaper they can buy.

DoingItMyself · 25/07/2021 21:04

What a little bastard he is. Protect DSD and her money from him.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 21:05

@QueenBee52 we had no idea they were coming round to ask for the money.
They didn't announce it beforehand. If we had known that's what they were planning it
Would have been easier. This was totally out of the blue.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 21:05

All they need is a little flat to start off with.

Herecomesthesun70 · 25/07/2021 21:06

Simply sorry no will do it.
Cheeky shits

Getoutofbed25 · 25/07/2021 21:06

Can you move the money to an account in your name to ring fence it for DSD

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 21:07

Has he always been a nasty peice of work?

EwwSprouts · 25/07/2021 21:07

Just greedy. DSD won't see it even if it's framed as a loan.
They can look at cheaper houses.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 25/07/2021 21:07

@ScottyandWestie

Thanks, my first thought was flat no, but girlfriend of DSS was making him feel a bit useless that we do t have more cash to give and that he's taken a pay cut. The kids know about the pay cut and my husband has struggled mentally with wrapping some Of his self worth in his pay and so feels crap at the moment now anyway as we have had to make some changes lifestyle wise. I think he just wants DSS to be happy. DSD Is very easy going that's why I do not want a word of it mentioned to her as I think she might say yes.
What a nasty little manipulative cow the girlfriend is!! Pair of CF's - would be a massive NO with bells on from me! Tell her to stop looking for handouts and you cannot give what you don't have and how dare the girlfriend think she has a right to DSD's money. Please send them away with a flea in their ear.
Pissinthepottyplease · 25/07/2021 21:09

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.
This! He is 21 and expects a house handed to him. He needs to do what everyone else does and save up for a deposit.
Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 21:09

So he didnt have the balls to ask her out right. But set a situation up so she knew how lovely the house was and how much he wanted it, so she would feel guilty and agree to it.

He absolutely thought your husband would say yes.

I am guessing your husband gives onto him him alot. Hopefully, your dh now changes that.

frazzledasarock · 25/07/2021 21:09

Put DSD’s money into a lifetime ISA, she can use the money towards her first house and not piss it away like your DSS has. You can only put £4K a year in however.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/07/2021 21:10

Well done Op

Keep saying no. Make it clear to the girlfriend that DSS has had his gift and made his choice on how to spend it.

If your DH even looks like wavering ask him how he wants his family to look in 5 years time. Because if he gives in the chances are extremely high that DSD will not be in contact with him. Neither will DSS unless he wants something but that’s because he’s an entitled selfish person.
If DSS persists in asking tell him the subject is closed.

Ardnassa · 25/07/2021 21:12

Not surprised you're furious, OP. That sounds exactly like setting the stage for a request. It's good that your DSD knew something was out of the ordinary and that it is out in the open at least. I hope she's not susceptible to pressure - she may be intending to save it for a while now but she may well need it for something worthwhile before she expects to.

FatJan · 25/07/2021 21:12

This might help or it might not. It's very rude of me.

You and your husband strike me as a bit spineless.

Your husband's son is asking you for money you don't have (unless you take it off his sister).

So you say no.

The end.

All this aggro, all this him calling everyone to show how nice the house is... it doesn't need to be a thing. Say no. Stop letting yourselves be blackmailed.

If he kicks off and says OH WELL YOU'VE RUINED OUR LIVES YOU'LL NEVER SEE YOU'RE GRANDCHILDREN YOU DON'T LOVE ME then this is an indication of his behaviour and how he plans to control you for the rest of your lives. Best to nip that in the bud.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2021 21:12

Repayments weren't mentioned because he has no intention of paying it back. To you or DSD.

Good work talking to DSD because she might be easy going but the message is that she doesn't matter if DSS gets the money. And he and his GF clearly think she isn't.

Velvian · 25/07/2021 21:14

He needs to find the money himself, as he spent his handout. Does he have a car he can sell?

KidneyBeans · 25/07/2021 21:16

Are you seriously suggesting that your DSS gets 10K and his sister nothing?

No, 5k each is fair.
Please set some clear boundaries

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 21:16

Husband struggles with not giving in but DSS abuses it and DSD does not.
Now husband is furious about the manipulation of DSD. I'm not sure between DSS and his girlfriend which ones worse. His girlfriend gets on well with DSD.

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 25/07/2021 21:18

No is a complete sentence.

Scottishskifun · 25/07/2021 21:20

@ScottyandWestie

Well DSD has called, husband told her what DSS was asking for and that we are saying no. Seems like I underestimated DSS as he had called her earlier today to tell her about the "lovely" house. He didn't mention asking us for money or getting his hands on hers. I think he was setting the stage to ask her. She doesn't speak to him much, so knew he was after something. She is cross and husband is upset now at the agro DSS has caused us all. Girlfriend of DSS had sent photos of the house to DSD, they have an ok relationship. I'm furious at the manipulation. Husband is too.
It's good that your husband has got angry and seen it for the manipulation that it is as this will stop him from wavering when DSS lays it on thick!

Simple response "we are not in a position to give you any more money you had your 5K. If you can't afford the house without it then you need to find a different house that's what being an adult means living within your means" ...... End of convo.