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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Emmiess · 26/07/2021 10:08

Also what kind of brother asks for his sister’s money?
I might be reading too much into this, but if g.f’s dad often pays for her, then she’s most likely grown up a bit entitled.
Meaning she can’t possibly understand why her b.f’s parents aren’t shelling out for him.

This might be where the pressure is coming from…

thenewduchessofhastings · 26/07/2021 10:08

Why can't they save their own deposit?;also they should live within their means and not buy an expensive new build.

They want a champagne lifestyle on a Prosecco budget.

Absolutely do not give your DSD birthday gift to him the cheeky entitled little turd.

It basically sounds as though his girlfriend is pressuring him to produce the money for a deposit and he's been too irresponsible to save his money or be truthful about his 21st gift.

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 10:14

Does the girlfriend know DSS has already had his £5k, @ScottyandWestie?

Terhou · 26/07/2021 10:14

If £5K is really going to make a difference in terms of their ability to buy, they could raise it by way of a loan relatively easily.

Diverseopinions · 26/07/2021 10:17

Also, you never know people's circumstances. DSD mother might have three other kids, but perhaps she does have a spare 2k.

I would want to help the young entitled ones to think of ways of raising cash, not just say ' Sorry, can't help: nothing to add'. If they could sell one of their cars or a bike, cancel a membership they don't use, they might be able to raise some more and you could maybe give them a grand. The proviso could be that it is instead of birthday and Christmas presents for two years, and maybe a grandparent or aunt could do the same with a few hundred.

I suppose you have to think that it's an unpleasant situation to be in for girlfriend, if DSS has confidently informed her that he feels he can raise some money. I suppose your DH won't want his son's relationship with his future in-laws to be soured irretrievably, even though we all know DSS is to blame. But parents rarely want their kids to suffer the full consequence of their own stupid actions.

There is a difference between washing your hands of the scenario completely, and, on the other hand saying, let's see if we can give you some advice.

Scottishskifun · 26/07/2021 10:17

@Emmiess

Also what kind of brother asks for his sister’s money? I might be reading too much into this, but if g.f’s dad often pays for her, then she’s most likely grown up a bit entitled. Meaning she can’t possibly understand why her b.f’s parents aren’t shelling out for him.

This might be where the pressure is coming from…

My brother would do this exact thing! In fact he's had 30K+ off my parents over the years in smaller amounts and then has the cheek to call me up and ask for money! He gets told no and goes into a huff.

He's a lot older but still has that self entitled attitude he got annoyed when my mum refused to let him and his family move into the house she rents out for free..... 🙄

Unfortunately self entitled people rarely learn.
My brother will when my parents pass (hopefully not for a long time yet) as all the money he has had over the years has been factored into estate split and I'm the executor of their wills and they have both written him letters which explains it!

SmokeyDevil · 26/07/2021 10:19

I'd be worried about giving your dsd the money incase bratty ss (I'm not putting 'dear' in front of that) goes to her and harasses her for the money.

He is a shitty person to be honest, so is his girlfriend. We would all love a big fancy house as our first house, sadly that rarely happens. We all have to make do with what we can actually afford. Could they even get a mortgage for it? Do they have enough income to qualify for a mortgage that big?

KatherineJaneway · 26/07/2021 10:23

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.

Exactly.

RadandMad · 26/07/2021 10:31

I'm just imagining what a nightmare this girl will be when they plan the wedding.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/07/2021 10:32

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.

Yes - and use those EXACT words.

"Fuck off you selfish little shit. You pissed your money up the wall - your choice"

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 10:33

@RadandMad

I'm just imagining what a nightmare this girl will be when they plan the wedding.

Or when they have kids!

You know they’ve already got your name down on a rota to have the baby 7am-7pm Wednesday/Thursday/Fridays at theirs, don’t you, @ScottyandWestie

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/07/2021 10:35

@ScottyandWestie

I wonder if it is better to give it to DSD sooner knowing DSS would never ask her.

Yes - give it to her NOW!

theemperorhasnoclothes · 26/07/2021 10:37

Are they doing ANYTHING to get money themselves or just trying to get it from other people? Maybe DSS could sell some of the cycling stuff his spent his 5k on? Second hand good quality bike stuff sells well.

Inertia · 26/07/2021 10:39

Glad to see that you, DH and DSD are now all on the same page with a plan to move forward.

Your stepson really has behaved like a conniving little shit hasn’t he? Astonishingly quick pivot to buttering up his sister for the money.

If he spent a lot of the money on cycle kit, I bet he’d be able to sell it and get some of his money back (unless he’s trashed it , which does seem entirely possible).

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2021 10:43

Nope, tell him to jog on and I'd talk to dsd about locking the money away in savings account that cant be pushed for a couple of years so she cant be pressured

Original poster

ScottyandWestie · 26/07/2021 10:44

The 5k is toward the deposit, they have saved some but want a bigger house now which means a bigger deposit. This because the new build estate hasn't enough stock of houses in their budget. They know they won't get one, so have moved a price bracket up to try and secure their "dream house". I'm less shattered by it all today and think we can move on ok once we've had a few days of calm.
I don't think they will have much money once moved in as it will be a big mortgage and they like to spend on gym membership, going out, restaurants, travel when allowed and hobbies. So I to tell them straight that we are in no position to be relied upon financially.

OP posts:

lastcall · 26/07/2021 10:44

You're doing the right thing, OP. Absolutely the right thing.

Your DSS and his girlfriend have shown their true colours, and they're ugly ugly ugly.

I'm particularly flabbergasted that a 'girlfriend' feels perfectly free to moan and wail and cry to her boyfriend's parent and step parent whilst demanding their hard-earned money! The entitlement is stunning!

Original poster

ScottyandWestie · 26/07/2021 10:47

@Howshouldibehave
I suspect they would do that, another bridge to cross in the future I think.

OP posts:

LJAKS · 26/07/2021 10:51

"Thank goodness you have that 5k we gave you, that will be a great help for you both." "Oh you don't? You pissed it away on a holiday? Oh dear. That was silly of you."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/07/2021 10:52

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.

Yep, exactly this. Possibly the first time that the first AIBU response is the one I totally agree with!

ejhhhhh · 26/07/2021 11:01

Well done for standing your ground OP. It's all valuable lesson for. DSS and his girlfriend, that achieving what you want in life takes hard work and sacrifices. It sounds like they haven't learnt that lesson yet so probably aren't ready for home ownership. Sounds like they wouldn't have much spare cash for emergencies, so even more so. You've done the right thing, and part of parenting is helping kids learn these life lessons. DSS and DSD have been treated the same with gifted money, which is the only fair course of action, and it's his poor choices that have put him in this position. Hopefully your DSS will see this in time, it seem black and white to everyone else.

SmokeyDevil · 26/07/2021 11:03

@ScottyandWestie

The 5k is toward the deposit, they have saved some but want a bigger house now which means a bigger deposit. This because the new build estate hasn't enough stock of houses in their budget. They know they won't get one, so have moved a price bracket up to try and secure their "dream house". I'm less shattered by it all today and think we can move on ok once we've had a few days of calm. I don't think they will have much money once moved in as it will be a big mortgage and they like to spend on gym membership, going out, restaurants, travel when allowed and hobbies. So I to tell them straight that we are in no position to be relied upon financially.

Can they even get a bigger mortgage? Banks look at their combined income and times it by 4. They might not even be within the limit for the bigger houses. Plus they will take their hobbies etc into consideration, so may not pay out on the max anyway.

Bythemillpond · 26/07/2021 11:03

I don't think they will have much money once moved in as it will be a big mortgage and they like to spend on gym membership, going out, restaurants, travel when allowed and hobbies. So I to tell them straight that we are in no position to be relied upon financially

Sounds like they would have expected other people to pay their mortgage as well.

Cailin66 · 26/07/2021 11:06

@ScottyandWestie

The 5k is toward the deposit, they have saved some but want a bigger house now which means a bigger deposit. This because the new build estate hasn't enough stock of houses in their budget. They know they won't get one, so have moved a price bracket up to try and secure their "dream house". I'm less shattered by it all today and think we can move on ok once we've had a few days of calm. I don't think they will have much money once moved in as it will be a big mortgage and they like to spend on gym membership, going out, restaurants, travel when allowed and hobbies. So I to tell them straight that we are in no position to be relied upon financially.

So knowing they were planning on buying a house instead of saving they frittered away their earnings on trivia and come to you with the begging bowl because they think you are an easy touch, and also because they know you have your hard earned money saved for your daughter. Why don't they stop spending, start saving and put off buying a house until they can demonstrate some financial good skills. You don't have to have a reason to say no by the way. I'd be fuming at your son for the neck of asking you when you've demonstrated he's woeful with money.

Day0fMarketBag · 26/07/2021 11:14

How much has DSS saved ?
How much has DSS girlfriend saved ?

It is not just the deposit
It is money for;
Mortgage arrangement fee
Solicitor fee
Moving costs
White goods
Furniture ( but can but second hand)
Post redirection cost
Etc

What effort have they put in ?

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