Already given savings, DSS wants more.

[ScottyandWestie]

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

The only thing I'd consider is letting DSD give them the extra for their deposit via a deed of trust, and that it is to be paid back in 5 or 7 years as a similar % to which it buys.

That's what we did with my mother in law, she gave us £40k for our deposit and got £60k back 10 years later- everyone was very happy!

It will need to be declared as part of the mortgage etc.

You have done the right thing OP, but be prepared for DSS to try and wear you and DH down, he will try and wear DSD down as well. That money needs to be ring fenced with plutonium!!

Your step son sounds extremely entitled.
He needs to save his money for a house. You have already said no and you only have the money for your step daughter for her 21st bday. That’s it. You said no and he has to accept it.

"DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit."

It's pretty hard to get past that isn't it?

I mean even if you could afford it doesn't mean that you would have to!

Isn't it quite a rare thing to be able to afford to give your kids a deposit for a house?

@Meatshake

The only thing I'd consider is letting DSD give them the extra for their deposit via a deed of trust, and that it is to be paid back in 5 or 7 years as a similar % to which it buys.

That's what we did with my mother in law, she gave us £40k for our deposit and got £60k back 10 years later- everyone was very happy!

It will need to be declared as part of the mortgage etc.

When I read the top line I was expecting it to say 'the only thing I will let dsd give him was the middle finger'

I have no idea why that's what I expected

I can't imagine this is the only incident where DSD has been worked over by her selfish entitled brother and her parents coddling him.

I wouldn't be happy with your DH either as he has played a part in raising this selfish brat.

Tell him he has already been given his £5k and spent it instead of saving towards deposit. Do not entertain idea of him taking or borrowing his sister's money. She will need it later.

@Hannayeah

They’ve lost their dream house?! How does one go about losing something they never actually had in the first place?

Exactly!

Who buys their dream home as their first property as well? We bought a small flat in a busy town as that’s all we could afford!

What did the CF girlfriend say when she realised her boyfriend also had £5k but spunked it up all the wall on crap? I hope this has been spelt out to her. You don’t just get another £5k because you haven’t got the last one any more!

@Mrmoose23

Have they looked at Help to Buy? Only available on new builds, if they have a 5% deposit the government will loan them 20% of the property value. They will need a mortgage for the other 75%.

I imagine that's what the 5K is for - if they get the same off GF's dad, they will have 5% of a 200k house. Without having to do any saving.

Be strong here op. I never had any financial help with house buying but I understand it is very hard to get a deposit together now. He has had his and could have saved and added to it. He chose not to. Why on earth should DSD be expected to hand hers over?

I can comment because I was weak with dd1 and she never learned financial lessons. She was only 15 with her first child, 17 with her second. I felt I had to help out financially, although she received benefits and grants from all over the place at the time. Some really great help but she blew it all. I think I was somehow trying to buy back her childhood.

It has resulted in a 34 year old woman who cannot manage financially at all. She still boozes it all away and smokes and has a catalogue of CCJ's. She treated her exH appallingly financially. He did not have a penny.

She is on holiday this week somewhere she cannot afford. My gs (who has to live with me) is going as well and I think she will take his money from him. I expect a phone call mid week.

I facilitated this along with DH and even her sister who has been wonderful with her, paying for her kids haircuts, clothes etc because we could not bear them to look scruffy.

Stand firm. So what if his gf's parents are helping? He has had his help and blew it. If they want to help some more, then so be it. Tell him he has had £5000 and if her parents want to provide more, then that is very kind of them. I can see where this is going and it is pure manipulation. Your gut is telling you this is wrong, and it is.

DSD is coming round tomorrow so money can be transferred to a LISA.
Husband has spoken to her this morning as neither of us want her badgered by DSS and when the money is gone it's gone. There is nothing that can be done. DSS Will have to get on with things himself.
DSD wants to use it toward a house in the future but as that's a long way off and she is planning on traveling next year it's safer to be inaccessible for her.
Husband and I both very shocked at girlfriends behavior and it's left us quite upset. She was crying yesterday and really laying it on thick. With the benefit of a poor nights sleep both husband and I are left quite cold about her behaviour and the kind of person she is.
We knew DSS was selfish he always has been, but the pair of them together and so manipulative, I feel like we've seen the mask slip and it's not nice. I think we will have to be wary going forth concerning anything financial.

I think in situations like this, the best ways to deal with CF requests is to laugh. (they'll be back asking again OP)

haha, "you want us to give you 5K of your sisters money because you spent yours haha"

If you never even entertain it, they stop asking (looking at your SIL)

He's sounds delightful

Tell him to sell his bike

The entitlement starts early with cyclists, eh. Good on you for standing up to him.

Of course the girlfriend was upset. Probably heard a hard NO for the first time in her life, poor little princess. She’ll survive

Word of advice OP, your DSD will
Only be able to out 4K into the LISA this financial year but the government will top that up to 5k. Win win for those prepared to save for a house deposit 😉

Maybe the other 1k can go towards her travelling fund since she’s a sensible girl x

I think it's good that your husbands rose tinted specs towards his son have come off!

This also means that DSS and his GF know where the law of the land lies so it should hopefully stop them in future for asking for more money such as weddings or needing to repair something etc.

Your DSS will probably be in a sulk would definitely leave it a few days to let the dust settle before maybe your DH having a chat with him on his own to explain that his behaviour was not acceptable and it's not acceptable to try and guilt trip into giving over his sisters money!

Glad dsd is putting the money away. If there is £1k left over from opening the LISA, make sure she puts it into an account where it can't be accessed for a while too, as no doubt he'll try to get that out of her. I'm also glad you showed your Dh the thread. While he might be annoyed you shared the information with a load of strangers at least he can see from a neutral point of view what an entitled prick his Ds is.

That spare money is for his daughter. She will never forgive her father or brother if it ends up going to him. These kind of things (will be viewed as playing favourites) destroy families for life. Ends up being a nasty undercurrent that never goes away.

If the g.f’s father wants to help, that’s his business. Nothing to do with you. And under no circumstances should you be guilted into doing something you don’t want to.

This has been created into such a drama when it didn't need to be.

DSS asked for money, your husband should have said, nope, nothing in the pot. Move onto next topic. Instead DSD gets told and it unfolds like a nasty soap opera. This could so easily have been avoided.

@ScottyandWestie

DSD is coming round tomorrow so money can be transferred to a LISA. Husband has spoken to her this morning as neither of us want her badgered by DSS and when the money is gone it's gone. There is nothing that can be done. DSS Will have to get on with things himself. DSD wants to use it toward a house in the future but as that's a long way off and she is planning on traveling next year it's safer to be inaccessible for her. Husband and I both very shocked at girlfriends behavior and it's left us quite upset. She was crying yesterday and really laying it on thick. With the benefit of a poor nights sleep both husband and I are left quite cold about her behaviour and the kind of person she is. We knew DSS was selfish he always has been, but the pair of them together and so manipulative, I feel like we've seen the mask slip and it's not nice. I think we will have to be wary going forth concerning anything financial.

What a horrible situation for your son and his partner to put you in. You're right, they are selfish and perhaps she is making him even worse than he would otherwise be.

Just try to remember they are the selfish and manipulative ones and you haven't done anything wrong.

It is so entitled of them to ask (and expect) to be given money that was put aside for somebody else. What is your step daughter meant to do when she wants to buy a property?

There probably will be a fallout but just remember they brought it on themselves. It sounds like they have a lot of growing up to do.

Also don't feel too bad about this apparent "dream house". It's funny how often people find their "dream house" after a few weeks of looking at whatever happens to be on the market at that time!

There will always be a dream house on the market that they want, whether they are looking now or in 5 years time. They'll live!

I suppose what is going on, judging by the extreme reaction of the girlfriend, is that she had gained the impression that they were going to raise the money for the deposit, has told her friends and family that they are serious about the house, and now she is gobsmacked that it won't be going ahead.

I would want to sit down with the pair and ask them what has given them the impression that they are definitely going to get £5k from you. If your DH has said that he should be able to help with some jiggling around, then I can see how the seeds of misunderstanding might have been sown, although your DSS has not taken a subtle and thoughtful approach, or held back or been cautious, and certainly hasn't considered the feelings of your DH, who has had difficulties at work - as many have during Covid. You must be very worried and feeling protective towards your DH .

However, if the young pair have got their wires crossed, and think they were entitled to feel that something might be offered, best to have a straight talk to save your DH more emotional trauma around the time of his birthday, just after it and going forward towards Christmas. Family things can fester and you don't want that and nor does your DSD.

@doodleygirl

This has been created into such a drama when it didn't need to be.

DSS asked for money, your husband should have said, nope, nothing in the pot. Move onto next topic. Instead DSD gets told and it unfolds like a nasty soap opera. This could so easily have been avoided.

I don’t agree. It was a matter of time before the poor girl would be pestered to hand over her money, they were already grooming her towards the question or even to get her to offer. They knew the money was there and wanted it, so it’s best to warn the poor girl.

Many years ago my son and his girlfriend were looking to buy their first home. Both me and her mum said they should buy an older terraced 2 bedroom house, being their first foot on the housing ladder.

No - girlfriend wanted a nice new build. They bought a lovely starter home but still wanted nights out and holidays. Within 2 years the house was re-possessed and they split up.