Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

@Whoarethewho

Claim CMS that is your right. but Men really need proper contraception choices to stop this. They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control. Personally I would only have sex with someone who has the implant and you can feel it before DTD for proof and even then double protect with condoms. And dispose of them appropriately because the contents of that little bag of latex could you you paying out many thousands and potentially taking pay increases in the future.

Wow. You really hate women don't you. What on earth are you on mumsnet for?

@Whoarethewho

Claim CMS that is your right. but Men really need proper contraception choices to stop this. They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control. Personally I would only have sex with someone who has the implant and you can feel it before DTD for proof and even then double protect with condoms. And dispose of them appropriately because the contents of that little bag of latex could you you paying out many thousands and potentially taking pay increases in the future.

Wtf?

@bg21 eh because she didn't make the baby herself.

Claim CMS and sack the other 2 dopes off.
Your DC don't need that Shit in his life

Claim it legally via CMS and go no contact with them all.
Bet they will be crawling back.
They cutting their noses to spite their faces fools.

@Whoarethewho

🤣🤣Who wants your sperm that badly. I'm sorry but if this is what you're like in RL you have NO worries about that....wise up!

What is going on with the misogyny this morning?!

Having sex risks pregnancy. That’s the bottom line.

Vasectomies fail.
Tubes being tied can fail
The pill can fail
Conforms fail

The only thing guaranteed to stop you getting pregnant is no sex. BOTH parties accept the risk when having sex.

The man accepts he may cause a pregnancy.
The woman accepts that they may become pregnant.

You cannot dictate what someone does with their body so it the natural consequence of sex is that some babies will be born which were not intended.

If you don’t want one as a man don’t have sex.

If you do accept you’ll need to support the baby.

bg21 and whoarethewho at the wind up?

You have a legal right to child maintenance, and seems to me that you need the money, so you should claim it. Suppose the situation was reversed - he wanted the child, you didn't, you agreed to have the baby and handed it over to him. Then he would be fully entitled to claim maintenance from you, wouldn't he?

@whoarethewho I got pregnant on the implant.

I also got pregnant when DHs condom split, and I had the coil fitted resulting in an ectopic pregnancy which put my life in danger and required me to have surgery.

I can no longer take the pill due to a blood clot.

Poor men not having these options. No birth control is 100%. You run the risk of pregnancy every time you have sex, even with birth control in place. You cannot force a woman to have an abortion or excuse yourself from the conditions if she doesn't play along. Abortions can be extremely traumatic, and cannot be used simply to give men a way out of their responsibilities.

(dh has since had a vasectomy because he knows the responsibility is also his).

*consequences not conditions

I agree that you shouldn't claim maintenance. You both made the child yes but you continued the pregnancy KNOWING this man did not want the child or have any part in his life. So you knew you would be only parent, meaning you will have to pay for everything. You accepted that when you chose not to abort so I wouldn't claim, it would be a small amount anyway, block them all especially the Mum and move on.

Claim it. He needs to take responsibility!

I think some people have misread your OP, as 2 separate children both with fathers who don't want to know, when you're in fact talking about the father of your baby, whose own father doesn't want to know him.

I don't think that's what you've said, but I think that's where the (totally unnecessary and very unpleasant) comments about continuing to make the same bad choices are coming from. Unless I've also misunderstood...

Of course you should claim maintenance. He doesn’t get to choose, and neither does his mum.

Put in your claim for child maintenance, have it deducted directly from his salary by the CMS. Although it will cost you a small amount, it will show him that you are in control, not him.

Forget the grandmother, she is always going to put her son first, not you.
Your son will not suffer because she is not in his life. The grandmother could well have been a thorn in your side in years to come, as she would have been route for the child's father to emotionally blackmail you whenever it suited him. Steer well clear of her in the future.

For yourself, strengthen your own personal boundaries, you seem to take everyone at face value, believing all they tell you, which is leaving you vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Lots of luck for the future.

Yes correct, I meant my babys dad grew up without his dad involved. I have 2 wonderful boys my eldest, who is 13, has his father well and truly involved in his life always has been. I dont make a habit of going around sleeping with 'random' men just to have a baby. The 13 year age gp proves that I think 🤷‍♀️

*Nope, it takes two to make a baby. Forcing a woman to have an abortion after the fact, is not a male form of contraception. We all know it’s women who get pregnant, we all know it’s her choice after that happens, so rather than playing victim, men need to take some responsibility whilst they still have choices.

The idea that a man can have unprotected sex, and then walk away because he couldn’t force a woman to have an abortion is disgusting. It also of course means that women have to deal with the consequences no matter what option they go for, and men don’t.*

All of this!!

Absolutely disgusted at all the posters saying that because OP didn't have an abortion, it absolves a man of all responsibility, after he made an active CHOICE to have sex, made a CHOICE not to take any responsibility for his own contraception, and now thinks saying "I don't want a baby, get an abortion" is enough to excuse him from the consequences.

You cannot force women to have abortions. Abortions are not contraception.

Thankyou for pointing that out tho, wondered why people were being a bit brutal 😀

CMS now. He knew how babies are made. You used contraception, he chose not to. Contraception is not infallible, he would have reduced the risk of pregnancy if he bothered to use a condom. Both he and his mother sound awful.

File now, if you haven’t already - the more you delay, the longer you will struggle as they won’t backdate it. Please get the ultimatum and it’s source via text or email or something, subtly, and hand it over to your solicitor. Manipulative men who try to undermine children and their relationships do poorly in court.

@Bri102 you aren’t choosing for the Nan to not be involved in your babies life, it is all on her. She has decided what the ground rules are, you are open to contact whatever happens. Nothing you do affects the fact it is her decision and you can tell your son that later. You facilitated contact and wanted to continue and they chose not to.

Call her bluff.

Claim it via the CMS then tell them both to get fucked.

She can choose,but she can't choose for him. Of she chooses to go ahead when he's stated he doesn't want a baby then she can't then expect any contribution or input whatsoever.

Every time a man has sex with a woman, he is risking a pregnancy. So, if he doesn't want kids he needs to take responsibility for contraception, ie condoms, vasectomy or abstinence. Expecting a woman to have an abortion for his convenience is disgusting.

Just claim and forget the emotional blackmail.

Its not about the mother. Its not about the father. Its not about you.

Its about whats best for your child. Don't feel guilty for trying to do the best for them.

Unless a man has a gun to his head forcing him to have sex, he doesn't get to abdicate responsibility either by saying he wants an abortion or he doesnt want to play an active role as a parent.