Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

406 replies

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 09:31

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 25/07/2021 13:20

I also think it's important that you don't tell the nan that she can't see your son, as it could be used against you in years to come.
However, I do think it's best that she doesn't get to continue to see your ds as she's clearly not putting his best interests first.
I would just tell the nan that given her views, you agree with her decision to stop seeing your ds is probably for the best.
If possible I would put this in writing to her in an email or a text, as it makes it clear that the decision was hers.
I would suggest that she can do something very important for your ds though before contact is broken , and that is to provide you with some photos of your ds's dad when he was a child and at different stages of his life. Also some photos of herself and other family members. They could be really invaluable to your son as he grows up.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 13:23

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant and the dad said he wouldn’t be involved if I went through with the pregnancy. So I made my decision that I would keep the baby as raise it as a single mother. That was my choice and I didn’t ask for maintenance or help because he was upfront and said he wouldn’t be involved. So I don’t think it’s fair to then turn around and ask for maintenance when it wasn’t his decision.

A few years later he wanted to be involved and after much stress of him planning to see her and not showing up etc I said if he wanted to be involved he would need to be properly involved and see her regularly and pay maintenance.

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

Maddison12 · 25/07/2021 13:23

If you play the lottery you risk winning

This^

Your son's father and his mother are trash.

And this^

Don't understand why people are saying they wouldn't have continued with the pregnancy, that's immaterial, there's a baby here now.

and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance,

Sadly OP, this comment tells you everything you need know. You need to contact CMS asap. As for the arsehole and his mother, block and move on, you'll feel 1000 times better when you do.

Good luckFlowers

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/07/2021 13:31

If he is already paying CM, then - correct me if I am wrong - he won't pay any more actual money but the money that he does already pay will now be divvied up between 3 rather than 2 children?

That was my understanding of it, I am happy to be corrected!

Assuming that is, that he is paying through official channels.

If that is the case, he doesn't suffer financially at all, although the mother(s) of his existing DCs might not be too chuffed.

Maintenance aside, when I was a FT working single parent, I used to get a fair percentage of my childcare costs paid for by the Government without which I would've struggled.

So make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to.

I also wouldn't be too upset about the Gran at this point not would I prevent her from seeing her GC at any stage. These things have a way of working out in the wash.

Good luck OP.

whynotwhatknot · 25/07/2021 13:35

Ignore the lot of them and claim maintenance how dare they blackmail you like that

if he doesrefuse they can go to his work to get it straight from his wages but it will cost him an extra 20% and you 4%

but its better than nothing

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 13:36

Stop debating with these 'people' this has nothing to do with them...

Get your CMS claim in Now 🌸

whynotwhatknot · 25/07/2021 13:36

@toocold54

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant and the dad said he wouldn’t be involved if I went through with the pregnancy. So I made my decision that I would keep the baby as raise it as a single mother. That was my choice and I didn’t ask for maintenance or help because he was upfront and said he wouldn’t be involved. So I don’t think it’s fair to then turn around and ask for maintenance when it wasn’t his decision.

A few years later he wanted to be involved and after much stress of him planning to see her and not showing up etc I said if he wanted to be involved he would need to be properly involved and see her regularly and pay maintenance.

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

More fool you then

the money is for the child anyway

Gwenhwyfar · 25/07/2021 13:37

"She can choose,but she can't choose for him. Of she chooses to go ahead when he's stated he doesn't want a baby then she can't then expect any contribution or input whatsoever."

Well, she can expect money for the child because that's the law.

User135792468 · 25/07/2021 13:37

He sounds like a total arse! Definitely claim the child maintenance.

However, try and go easy on his mum. What she has said is awful but try and remember that she has her son in her ear threatening with cutting her off from her other grandchildren. You know how she really feels as she told you that at the start, but she’s under a lot of pressure. I feel sorry for her as as you said, she jumped at the opportunity to get to know your son. You don’t know exactly how she’s being treated behind closed doors.

Blossomtoes · 25/07/2021 13:45

@SuperstoreFan

Claim it via the CMS then tell them both to get fucked.
This. That decision not to use a condom has very expensive and far reaching consequences. Perhaps he’ll think twice next time.
NewlyGranny · 25/07/2021 13:48

Maintenance is not a payment for seeing his child: the two are on no way linked! Whether or not he wants to have contact with his child, he needs to pay to support him. The child exists and has to be supported by both parents.

And whether or not he pays maintenance, the child is entitled to know his father, though nobody can force that contact.

The grandmother is neither here nor there. Her views are irrelevant and the way she tried to guilt trip you is indefensible, whether or not she was colluding with her son. The pair of them are a disgrace.

He doesn't get to walk away from his child because he wanted you to terminate the pregnancy! He doesn't get to dictate what happens to his child or your body. He refused to wear a condom despite your request and he'd already fathered two other babies, presumably by two different mothers, so he knew the risk he was taking. He sounds about as organised as a motorway pileup, tbh.

I'd refuse contact to them both and let him go to court to make firm arrangements, but start the CMS now. There's absolutely no reason not to and every reason why you should!

Remember, adults as parents have responsibilities; only children have rights. Grandparents get no say and I consider this woman has forfeited any right to be welcomed to your home or eben to be allowed to contact you, let alone her grandchild.

Giotto479 · 25/07/2021 13:52

These posts are always so depressing. I wish men would wear condoms.

Midlifebaby · 25/07/2021 13:54

The maintenance isn’t for you - it’s for the child and that child deserves help from all sources available! My mum didn’t push for maintenance because my dad is a nasty piece of work…it was wrong of her. She should have pushed for it as my sisters and I suffered poverty when we were children…we would still have been poor, just not that poor! His mum will come round, she sounds like she is torn - if she doesn’t, her loss x good luck

NewlyGranny · 25/07/2021 13:57

It's impossible for him to see his child because you asked for maintenance? Illogical lie fit only to be ignored.

And if he genuinely gave that cruel ultimatum to his mother, which I doubt, her only decent response would be to challenge him on it. OP should never have been dragged in. That's their circus, not hers.

OverTheRubicon · 25/07/2021 14:00

@toocold54

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant and the dad said he wouldn’t be involved if I went through with the pregnancy. So I made my decision that I would keep the baby as raise it as a single mother. That was my choice and I didn’t ask for maintenance or help because he was upfront and said he wouldn’t be involved. So I don’t think it’s fair to then turn around and ask for maintenance when it wasn’t his decision.

A few years later he wanted to be involved and after much stress of him planning to see her and not showing up etc I said if he wanted to be involved he would need to be properly involved and see her regularly and pay maintenance.

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

Children aren't pay per view. I'd be more sympathetic if he said he could do 50/50 care but not contribute. As it is, he's saying his child will grow up with only one parent AND less money. That child is going to need school shoes, whether or not their father wanted them. They might need significantly more help than the average, due to exactly that fact.

His choice to have sex without a condom, his need to deal with any consequences.

RevolvingPivot · 25/07/2021 14:01

Obviously I know her baby isn't a dog and would never compare a child to a dog. I tell both my siblings who don't have kids that.

RadandMad · 25/07/2021 14:03

No one forced him to get you pregnant. If a man doesn't want a child, then he can either forgo sex - which oddly does often lead to pregnancy (who knew!) - or put a bloody condom on his dick. Men don't get to stick their naked penis everywhere then expect there to be no consequences.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 25/07/2021 14:05

It was his decision as much as yours to have sex and a baby is the result. Neither of you planned it.

He needs to take responsibility.

Absolutely claim they maintenance.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 25/07/2021 14:06

And cut ties with grandma if it's causing more harm than good to see her.

Butchyrestingface · 25/07/2021 14:07

@ChunkySloth

I can see her point, and there's a bit of a common denominator here, isn't there.
I can see her point too. It just happens to be a load of shite.
Bollindger · 25/07/2021 14:09

Sex makes babies.
In that one action he knew what could happen.
He didn't want to use a condom as it seems he put pleasure above protecting HIMSELF.
So after he choose that action he can't just say get rid of the baby, like a sweet he didn't like.
Claim the money and tell his mum he will have to pay up as babies cost money.

updownroundandround · 25/07/2021 14:10

@Bri102

Totally agree that the whole idea some men have about using 'get an abortion' as a contraceptive technique is horrific !

He chose to have sex.
He chose not to use a condom.

He does not get to 'be excused' from the realities of being a parent because his choices had unintended results FFS !

Would he 'be excused' from killing someone while drunk driving ?
Would he 'be excused' from stealing a drink because he was thirsty ?

No ?

But in both these situations he would still be 'unable to undo it' because he couldn't 'predict' the outcome ....Confused
(And don't say ''well she said she was on the pill etc, because

1.He'd be a total idiot to rely 100% on anyone else for his contraceptive 'protection' Hmm

  1. Only a complete moron would think any contraception is 100% foolproof/safe ! Hmm

So, he knew the 'unintended result' from having 'unprotected sex' could be pregnancy, so why would he think he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences ??? Hmm

Tell his Mum that you'd love her to be in her DGS's life, but that you and your DC should not be 'expected' to 'let him off' being financially responsible for his child !

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 14:10

@TriciaMcMillan

I think some people have misread your OP, as 2 separate children both with fathers who don't want to know, when you're in fact talking about the father of your baby, whose own father doesn't want to know him.

I don't think that's what you've said, but I think that's where the (totally unnecessary and very unpleasant) comments about continuing to make the same bad choices are coming from. Unless I've also misunderstood...

Ah sorry, yes thats how I read it too. Sorry about the assumption OP. It sounds like you're really devoted to your son's and it makes sense why you're so shocked at your baby's behaviour if his brother's father is a reliable man. Its sad that adult men can be so irresponsible.

I still think you should go for CM and keep the family out of your son's life. If they can't step up he doesn't need that drama in his life.

Nightowl1989 · 25/07/2021 14:13

I'm in the exact same situation as you except my daughter's grandparents want nothing to do with her as well as her own dad, I claimed CMS he went mad but tough shit no skin of our nose he weren't gonna see her anyway! He has two other children he sees weekly and pays for too!
I work 30 hours a week and universal credit top up my wages but I also get 85% child care fees back if you are using a child minder or nursery that are Ofsted registered so my childcare fees come to £240 a month and I actually only pay £36 a month of that. Therefore if your childcare fees are 600 you will only actually have to pay £90. But regardless he should 100% pay maintenance to you x

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 25/07/2021 14:13

@toocold54

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant and the dad said he wouldn’t be involved if I went through with the pregnancy. So I made my decision that I would keep the baby as raise it as a single mother. That was my choice and I didn’t ask for maintenance or help because he was upfront and said he wouldn’t be involved. So I don’t think it’s fair to then turn around and ask for maintenance when it wasn’t his decision.

A few years later he wanted to be involved and after much stress of him planning to see her and not showing up etc I said if he wanted to be involved he would need to be properly involved and see her regularly and pay maintenance.

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

This isn't some noble act of yours. It's your child's money and you're failing her by not collecting it.
Swipe left for the next trending thread